Spring Back

Well, this isn’t what I was expecting!

This week’s Saturday Squirrel seems to have a look of surprise in his face.  What has be possibly seen that would give him the big-eyed look of wonder?  Is there another cat on the loose?  Maybe his best friend is digging up the nuts he just buried?  Perhaps one of the neighbors is out in just his underwear again?

Or maybe……. maybe’s he’s just a little confused by the fact that on the first Saturday of Spring, I’ve posted a picture of a squirrel that was very obviously taken in the Fall!  I guess I can’t even get my seasons in the sun straight.  But colorful leaves and pretty squirrels look quite beautiful no matter what the calendar says…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Candy Girl

It’s time for another exercise in Wacky Wednesday as we fire up the randomator and await this week’s visual cue for Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see which one of the fifteen gazillion pictures on the internet will serve as The Nest’s guiding light this time.  First, those totally random numbers…

9, 67, 86, 10

The 9th post in my Reader was this one by Phenny,  Yep, that’s two weeks in a row as the RII originator…

After wrapping around the 33 word post twice, the 67th word turned out to be “bon”

The 86th word in that post is “of”

Putting “bon of” into Google Images turned this up as the 10th result…

It’s a lady made out of sweets!  I think it said her name was Baroness BonBon, or something like that.  Oh well, let’s steal the same prompt from this year’s Contest of Whatever and have Miss BonBon walk into a bar……. full of horny males, of course.

YAY! I haven’t used the frat guys picture on my blog in a long time!

With the Renaissance Fair canceled due to rain and rusty armor, Lady BonBon decided to spend the afternoon in one of the local watering holes…

“What’ll it be, Miss?” the bartender asked the candy coated customer.

“Kool Aid on the rocks.  LOTS of sugar, you hear me?”

Suddenly she felt the finger of a stranger running up her leg.

“What’s the meaning of this!?!” Lady BonBon shouted as she turned towards the man who was violating her personal space.  The pervert next to her merely brought his finger to his mouth and licked off all the icing he’d just scooped up.

“Mmmmmmm, nice dress, baby!  And I really mean that!  I’m not afraid to admit I love pink icing!  Name’s Sleazeball!” the man said as he reached back and grabbed another huge chunk of icing off of Lady BonBon’s bunbuns…

The horrified woman quickly moved towards another part of the bar where she ran into a lowlife named Douchebag.

“Oh boy!” Douchebag gleefully said all wide eyed.  “I love peppermint!  And it isn’t even Christmas!”

Lady BonBon shrieked as Douchebag began licking her chest…

“The behavior of the filth in this bar is appalling!” the candy princess proclaimed as she escaped her tormentor who had a candy cane fetish.

Things were no better in the far corner of the bar, where a patron named Dickhead began eating her hair!

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!” Dickhead sang as he began licking up the poor lady’s luscious locks.

“This is an OUTRAGE!  I spent five hours down at the confectioner’s getting my hair done… and NOT for some fresh scumbag to lick up!”  Lady BonBon snapped her peppermint cane in half and announced she was leaving!

But she didn’t make it to the door before she got manhandled by a fellow named Asshat who began sloppily kissing her tart covered mouth.

There was nowhere for Lady BonBon to go as the others in the bar converged on where Asshat had her in a bear hug….

“I’m going to lick every inch of that sweet body!” Sleazeball bragged.

“I might just bite into her, myself!” Douchebag replied

Dickhead shouted, “I got dibs on eating her….”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lady BonBon was never heard from again.

It’s ten years later now.  I’m a freelance private eye who works on cold cases in my spare time.  I was looking into the BonBon case… weird chick covered in candy who disappeared a decade ago.  She was already well past her expiration date and presumed to be dead.  I’d gotten a tip that she was last spotted walking into a seedy looking downtown tavern.

“You seen this girl before?” I flashed an old photo in front of the bartender.

The look in his eyes told me he knew who she was.  “uhmmm…. maybe.”

“Come on, mac.  You can’t forget a treat like that.  What happened to her?  I want her killers brought to justice!”

The bartender didn’t appear to be very forthcoming and just continued spit shining shot glasses.  I gazed around at the patrons… four outright losers who were probably regulars in this shithole.  I slammed my glass of tap water on the counter to get some attention.

“I WANT TO KNOW WHO MURDERED LADY BONBON TEN YEARS AGO!  COME ON, NOW… GIVE YOURSELVES UP!!!”

“Not me!” Sleazeball said as he went back to gumming his glass of booze…

“Me neither!” Douchebag shook his head as he injected himself with insulin…

“”Nope, not me!  Not me!!!” Dickhead said as he ran circles around the pool table and leaped over chairs like a hyperactive little child…

“You’re all under arrest!” I announced to the sweet toothed criminals.  Then I looked over at the fourth suspect.  “Well?”

“No use in lying,” Asshat said.  “Apparently the Red Dye #6 in used in pink icing is a carcinogen and now I have a month to live.  It doesn’t matter if I spend it rotting in jail.”

“There’s justice for you, flatfoot,” the bartender sneered at me as he spit a loogy in another pint glass.  “They got their just desserts….”

Karma’s a bitch.

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Share Your World – Week 11

You looking for Spring? Sorry, haven’t seen it.

It’s time for another Phat Tuesday full of TMI courtesy of Melanie and the Share Your World team.  Here are this week’s questions that are eagerly awaiting my set of smartass answers.  I’m just burning daylight trying to come up with some pseudo-clever intro, so let’s get right to that logo then…

SCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH!!!!!

Oh wait.  There’s a new updated logo… apparently inspired by my snarky comments about all four globes facing towards the Eastern hemisphere.  So now we have this to ooh and aah over…

Now with double Middle East! Hey, it’s the Cradle of Life after all…

Now, let’s really get this show started…

Do You Have Any Guilty Pleasures?

Everyone has guilty pleasures.  The question should really be whether one actually feels guilty about their guilty pleasures.  I try not to be, because fuck what other people think is right or not.  I don’t succeed all that well in that goal, however.  I mean, I’m proud as hell of my little large HUGE critter collection that sits on the shelf behind me… but I sure as hell don’t talk about it around people I know.  I mean, after all, I’ve become this guy…

Chicks like unicorns, and this guy should be a chick magnet…… right?

What Is The Worst Pick Up Line You Ever Heard/Used?

I’ve never got in on the singles scene, and I have loner loser written all over my face, so I’ve never been on the giving or receiving (Why should guys have all the fun?) end of any lame pickup lines.  Maybe the critters can answer this question for me…..

FUZZYWIG: So, um…. wanna take a hit off my bong?

RAINY: NO!  You can’t use my precious rain gauge to measure……. THAT!!!

SNUGGLE: Hey baby!  Wanna put your delicates on my agitator?

MR. FOX: ……………………………

MITZI: Like, there’s bad pick up lines?  Lulz!  No ways!  Ooooh, is that a possum in your pants, or are you just happy to see Mitzi?

What Slang Or Trend Makes You Feel Old?

I’d like to say just about anything smartphone or social media related…. but the adults are just as bad, if not worse about it than the kids.  After over a decade of corrupting the population of planet earth, I still don’t get the allure of Facebook, Tweeter, selfies, or having your face buried in a “phone” at all hours.  I sure as hell didn’t need any of that when I was a kid.

#GetOffMyLawn

What Do You Consider The Most Over-rated Song?

I dedicated an entire countdown to this a year ago!  I rated Journey’s “Don’t Stop Belivin'” at #1, a surefire piece of shit song if there ever was one… yet one that is inescapable because supposedly everyone loves hearing it ten times a day.  Journey’s an overrated band too.  Not quite as overrated as Prince, but that’s a very high hurdle for any piece of shit artist to climb over…

Kiss my ass, Prince.

You Find A Book And Begin To Read Only To Discover That It Is Your Life. You Get To The Point That You Are At Now, Do You Turn The Page Knowing That You Will Not Be Able To Change The Events To Come?

NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!  Everybody thinks they would want to know what they’ve got coming to them, but nobody would really want that information.  Hell, I fear ever getting the dreaded “You’ve only got X months to live” speech from a doctor, because I’m pretty sure I’d freak the hell out if I were imminently staring down my own mortality.  Burn those future pages, dammit!

Buster’s life story would be a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Die.  Start over. Die. Start over. Die….

This Week’s Gratitude Moment:

Winning this guy out of the claw machine last week… and just in time for Friday’s Shelf Critter Theatre episode.  I always wanted a dragon…

Even if he does look like Barney the Dinosaur…

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Hyper Science

Hopefully this week’s earworm doesn’t blind you…

It’s time to put away all of those hideous green clothes you wouldn’t wear any other time of the year, and properly dispose of all of that sickly looking green beer.  But don’t worry, you’ve still got the luck of a leprechaun as today is Monday, and that’s the day The Nest searches for that lost pot of gold at the end of that neon rainbow of yesterday’s music we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy staggered into work this morning with a hangover and half of her mane still green, while the Sponkies are busy pinching each other because they need another shot of Ritalin.  Speaking of which…..

Let’s play a little word association game.  When I say “Thomas Dolby,” what’s the first thing that comes into your mind?

Correct! Any other answer is wrong…

Dolby is a one hit wonder who, at least in the US, can actually truthfully lay claim to that title of ignominy.  His 1982 hit “She Blinded Me With Science” is still played on variety and “oldies” stations to this day… and of course, that familiar exclamation that is made often in the song by Magnus Pyke, which he was never able to live down.  I guess there’s worse things in life to be associated with than the guy who goes around randomly yelling “SCIENCE!”

Hey, it’s Randy the Dandruff Sufferer!

Everyone knows “She Blinded Me With Science”…. but unless you grew up in the MTV era, and in particular watched the channel a lot in 1984 like I did, you may not be aware that Dolby actually had another semi-hit…. or even wrote another song for that matter.  And while this one isn’t quite as catchy as “Science,” the song and most certainly the video for it are just as if not even more weird…

Believe it or not, I actually knew “Hyperactive” before I’d ever heard of “Science” because it was getting a lot of airplay on MTV when my family first got cable in 1984 and I watched the hell out of videos.  The song only hit #64 in the US and was forgotten about as soon as it slipped from MTV’s rotation…

My Dad always told me (And I don’t know now if he really believed it himself or was just being funny) that Thomas Dolby was the genius behind that Dolby Sound credit you always saw at the end of movies.  Dolby’s real name is actually Thomas Robertson, and he use Dolby as his stage name because his constant tinkering with sound equipment earned him the nickname.  While the founder of Dolby labs actually does have a son named Thomas, Thomas the singer has nothing at all to do with the company.  Once Dolby became famous, the corporate Dolby sued to try and get the science Dolby to drop the made up surname.  That lawsuit was not successful…

Not quite as catchy as “Science!” but still fun to randomly shout.

Come back next Monday for another lost hit presented in crystal clear Dolby Digital Surround Sound…

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Hangin’ Out

Yo, wassup?

I love the way the squirrel in the upper left of this photo is upright and looks like he’s leaning with his arms on that branch.  He’s got that aura of Joe Cool going as he looks towards his buddy a couple branches down.  Another cute and totally hip Saturday Squirrel…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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