Evil Squirrel's Nest

As part of The Nest’s 10th anniversary celebration, we’re dedicating the next eleven Tuesdays to one of my very favorite features to write for this blog, The Sandy Awards!  I presented these awards at the end of every year since 2012 for the best, funniest and most fucked up search terms to get caught up in the filter WordPress maintains in my stats page.  Unfortunately, as search engines began encrypting more and more of the terms that led people to my blog, it was inevitable that a point would finally be reached where I had hardly any material at all to work with… and that moment came midway through 2020.

Since I had nothing to do a 2021 Sandy Awards show with, I borrowed an idea I’d already planned to do anyway when this blog turned ten, and that’s an all-time Sandys list!  I divvied all of the previous Sandy entries into my nine classic categories (plus a miscellaneous for terms that didn’t fit anywhere), and will present one category each week until the final post on March 22nd announcing each category’s winner, as well as THE best search term EVER on my blog.  You won’t want to miss that!

Every bolded term you see in this series is an actual set of search terms that was typed in by someone somewhere in the world during the last ten years, and that search led them to The Nest!

And now on to Part One of my 10th anniversary Sandy Awards!  As always, I’ll start with the category that led off every Sandy Awards show since its inception…

The Nest has apparently answered a lot of your internet questions over the past ten years!  I don’t quite know how, but here’s some of the things we’re apparently experts on….

what are the sandy awards? – Seriously!?!?  Were you not listening to my introduction speech?

what does it mean when someone yells squirrel? – You better duck, and FAST!!!

is soloflex still in business? – They should be.  People still enjoy paying hundreds of dollars for exercise equipment they’ll never use.

is the rice a roni commercial evil? – No, but this is evil…

are red squirrels evil? – No, and we no longer make them eat from separate feeders either.

is there such a thing as squirrel nip? – Squirrels can’t possibly act any crazier under the influence…

what are you doing this for? – Because…

how much money did hands across america raise? – Not enough to feed Sally Struthers on her next Ethiopian excursion…

does dr pepper make you stink? – I guess if you dumped it on your head…

what happens when one disturbs a squirrels nest? – You can ask the last person who tried, once he wakes up from his coma…

is it alright to take a squirrel nest out of a tree in lakewood oh? – See above.

is it humane to kill a mangy squirrel? – Sure.  I mean, we euthanize people who are going bald, right?

how did they save money in the 90’s? – By not wasting money on the latest smartphones…

do they have sex in the cool world? – Would it be a cool world if they didn’t?

can sundae be pronounced as sunduh? – You bet your icebox it can!

why are cheetos bad for squirrels? – Do you want to have to clean little orange paw prints off your tree?

is the squirrel in the geico commercial trained? – No self respecting squirrel has to be trained how to run out in front of traffic…

why is labor day evil? – Because it literally means “working day” and nobody fucking works that day!

who did the brim coffee commercials? – Coffee snobs back in the days before Starbucks.

what coffee brand commercial said full till the brim? –

what is the term for when you only survey one profession? – Professional discrimination

did snuggle commercials give kids nightmares? – Of course not!  Creepy teddy bears that lurk in your laundry room are just a figment of the imagination…

what do male possum genitals look like? – You don’t want to know…

is it dangerous for rehabbed squirrels to build a nest out of plastic bags? – I wasn’t aware there were squirrels with a drug problem.

is the word squirrels to be capitalized? – Squirrels may have a god complex, but I still say no.

did the jokers wild game show have a whammy character? –

can you swear on your greeting on a answer machine? – Absolutely!  Let ‘er rip!  Those spam risk callers won’t know what hit ’em…

how has the clapper light switch changed our lives? – By making us all just a little more fucking lazy…

did we lose a couple of minutes during this year’s daylight saving time change? – Yeah, all the time it took to set all of our fucking clocks back!

squirrel doubles the amount of nuts during the day and eats 2 nuts during the evening, by nightfall of the 3rd day there were 34 nuts in the lair, how many nuts were in the original found treasure? –

if a squirrel was an angel what would his name be? – I don’t know…. Ralph?

how do i get the smell of squirrel out of my car? – Hang one of those little pine trees on your rearview mirror.  And stop giving Uber lifts to squirrels…

what is the best thing to post on a girl facebook? – Probably not a dick pic.

who buys fanklin mint civil war chess sets? – People who love spending large sums of money on things they’ll never be able to use.

what makes selsun blue tingle? – They must have discovered the secret ingredient in Herbal Essences.

who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing circus act in the world!

if this is the first solar eclipse since 1979 what the hell did i see in 1994? – Probably Forrest Gump.

does florida have a night squirrel? – Even squirrels don’t want to miss out on that amazing Miami nightlife…

1 800 collect can you find it in your heart? – Nope, only in the part of your brain that remembers the days of collect calls.

who is responsible for building a drey for squirrells? – All property owners are responsible for ensuring their squatters have adequate housing…

were photo huts a real thing? –

Well, weren’t those some rather…. um… special questions?  But none of them won the Sandy Award for this category!  We’ll find out what our best interrogative search was on March 22nd, but until then, tune in next Tuesday for the next exciting category in my All Time Sandys presentation!