Share Your World – Week 78

Posted on July 2, 2020 by

Awooooo….

Welcome to the month of July!  We’re now officially halfway through this wonderful year of 2020!  What did I have to greet me when I flipped the calendar page to July?  This wonderful summer scene of a fully furred wolf howling atop a snow covered mountain.  Nothing quite conveys the sweltering month of July better than a snowy scene.  Apparently, my calendar was supposed to be shipped to one of the observation stations in Antarctica, but wound up at my Mecca by mistake…

And with the comically bad photo matching out of the way, let’s get on with our usual Thursday bi’ness, and that’s answering Melanie’s Share Your World questions for this week!  They promise to be philosophical, which means I’ll probably hurt myself trying to think.  Please keep that stretcher handy in case I need it…

Spoiler Alert! This is a terrible example of gravity…

Must we have evidence to know the truth?

Only if you’re playing the game Clue.  Everyone else is free to create their own truth from whatever they choose to believe is evidence of that reality…

And thus why you should never look for any evidence…

How much control does a person have over their life?

Nowhere near as much as those sappy inspirational memes or Disney movies like to make you think you have.  Life’s a constant lottery that begins the day you leave your vaginal hideout and doesn’t end until it finally kills you.  Like with the real thing, the more tickets you buy, the better your odds of winning…. but in the end, the House always wins.

And of course, all of those lottery proceeds go toward education. Which means your money gets wasted twice!

What is gravity and how does it work?

Ugh!  This is giving me bad flashbacks to all of that fucking physics I had to take in college when I thought I’d make a career out of meteorology.  I think I’ll leave this response to Professor Shadow…

SHADOW: Gravity is one of the fundamental forces of nature, a result of the curvature of space-time as laid out in Albert Einstein’s famous Theory of Relativity, which I hope you all have memorized.  Now, let’s examine some of the basic equations that pertain to this fascinating feature in the physics of our vast universe….

BEARCAT: This is, like, SO BORING!!!

ZEEBA: Dafuq, Teach?  I don’t understand this shit!  Isn’t it time for gym class yet?

SHADOW: I see the mother’s pea-brain was passed along to her hopeless spawn.  Well, perhaps a practical demonstration would help you two escapees from the special education class grasp this phenomenal concept with the fervor all intellectual beings should.

BEARCAT: Could you speak in English, please?

SHADOW: Sigh…. I test out with a five digit IQ, and what does it get me?  An assignment teaching remedial science on the Shelf.  Watch and learn, tiny ones…

SHADOW: Welcome to Professor Shadow’s classroom, lowly possum!

BUSTER: Wow, thanks for the invite, Professor!  I’m answering the ad you placed looking for test subjects for unclassified ‘speriments.

SHADOW: Yes, yes… I have an experiment I’d like to conduct for the class on the subject of gravity.  Would you mind stepping over here, please?

BUSTER: Oh, wow!  How did this deep chasm pop up at the end of your classroom?

SHADOW: Nevermind petty details like that.  Now, be a good guinea pig and show my students how gravity works.

BUSTER: If you don’t mind, I think I’d rather… (Shadow gives Buster a rather emphatic shove over the edge) Oh dear…..

SHADOW: Just like Sir Isaac Newton drew it up.

BEARCAT: That was COOL!!!!!!!!!!

ZEEBA: YES!!!!  Gravity means BLOOD!!!!  C’mon Sis!  Let’s go push a bunch of the boys off the top of the school building!

SHADOW: Proof positive that even the densest brains can be penetrated with the proper educational techniques….

Can a person be happy if they have never experienced sadness?  How about vice versa?

Of course they can.  It’s appreciation for one that requires some experience with the opposite.  You can’t really understand happiness if you’re never sad….

Zac has never been sad before. Thus, he has no idea how annoying his perpetual happiness is to others…

Gratitude:

The cats have now been granted their usual access into my computer room since I am no longer scratching around them.  I’m not ready to claim total victory over the fleas yet, but it’s hella better than it’s been for the past month and a half.  And now I have two more critters on the SCT stage once again…

And no, we’re NOT moving…

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Squirrels In The Park – Trip 7

Posted on June 30, 2020 by

If you’re one of those weird people who like to take pictures of squirrels, then there’s only one place to go in my town, and that’s the local park.  I’ve made a number of photography trips there over the years, and I’m looking back at each of them every Tuesday.  This is edition number seven, and today’s collage of park squirrelly goodness took place on the morning of Wednesday April 27, 2016!  Once again, I had a lovely photo in the leadoff spot to serve as the title card for this album.  Let’s see what was blooming in the park on this late April morn…

Oh, is that a visitor I see to my humble arboreal abode?

Guess I better look cute then!

This beautiful photo was nominated for my April Calendar Squirrel competition last year, and somehow didn’t win!  I love those blooms draping all around the squirrel.  If you know what kind of tree this is, please holla in the comments below!

What’s the matter, ain’t never seen a squirrel with a dandelion on its head before? Go away!

Now that’s just rude!  Cute, but rude…

How come my tree isn’t as pretty as that other squirrel’s looks?

Sorry pal, but not every squirrel’s tree can look like it was featured in Better Nests and Gardens…

Sisyphus Squirrel hard at work…

I pushed this rock up the hill all by myself!

Yeah, sure you did…

Oh, come on!  This is the seventh time I’ve been to the park.  Shouldn’t you guys be used to seeing me taking pictures by now?

You can take a picture of me!!!

Thanks, buddy.  I think I will…

Not me! I’m too shy…

Oh, come on!  I won’t put it on Facebook since I don’t use it anyway….

Is that a squirrel or a martian!?!?

OK, definitely a squirrel.  I guess he could still be from Mars, though…

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You just look silly with that stick blocking your face…

Oooooh!!!  Famous Squirrel Alert!!!  You’ve seen this guy on my blog several times before.  He’s just missing the accessory you usually see him with…..

Yep, it’s Gun Nut Squirrel!  I’ll bet you’re surprised to learn that gun was fake, aren’t you?

One of these days I’ll get a picture of a squirrel holding a pine cone.  It hasn’t happened yet, but it will!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screaming Squirrel!!!!  I love this picture!!!  Yes, it’s another “nut in mouth looks like open mouth” illusion… but it’s a great one!  I dub thee Howard Dean…

Congratulations!  You win the Squirrel Of The Year Award!

I do!?!? Well, where’s my trophy?

Ummmm….. you’re standing on it!

Actually….. you ARE the trophy!

I hope you’re joking…

No, I’m dead serious!  Hold still while I get the gold spray paint….

And one last photo of a squirrel in front of a very pretty leafy background.  His tail looks a little stubby, don’t you think?

We’ll go another four months into the future next Tuesday.  Be sure to come back for more awesome park squirrels!

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The Bad Touch

Posted on June 29, 2020 by

Entering “touch” into my blog’s media library brought up this photo of Ody. I think we’ll lead off with this…

Aw man, I think the calendar’s slow!  That’s right, it’s only Monday….. ONLY Monday, you say?  Well, that’s ONLY the day The Nest brings its pencil to jot down another teacher approved lost hit out of that principal’s office full of tardy music we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  What do you think the DJ’s gonna look like this year?  Well, Scratchy is pretty hot, but don’t gawk too much unless you want her to bust her neon ruler over your hairy knuckles… while the Sponkies are totally not getting all of the Van Halen references in this intro.  Now, sit down Waldo, you might learn something today….

The only thing The Nest’s musical staff loves more than a great lost song is an epically fucked up music video.  Let’s combine the two today and play Joan Jett and The Blackhearts‘ 1981 rendition of “Do You Wanna Touch Me”…

Now, in Joan’s defense…. this video was shot on what had to be a very tight budget since the major album labels wanted nothing to do with the ex-Runaway’s bad reputation until “I Love Rock and Roll” became one of the biggest songs of 1982.  But still…… well, this is copied from when I featured this post six years ago in an old MTV lost videos post:

Where oh where to start listing all the fucked up things that are contained in this video?

0:22 – Joan Jett flashes her bikini at us behind a trenchcoat.

0:39 – A bodybuilder more oiled up than the Gulf of Mexico flexes his moobs.

0:42 – Even Joan got sick watching Mr. Moob flaunt his breasticles, and knocks him out cold.

0:49 – Joan flashes her bikini at us four more times during the first chorus… just in case we didn’t see it the first time…

Yes, we saw it Joan… and we still fear it.

1:21 – Slow motion turn towards the camera to show that her raven black hair doesn’t need any Aqua Net.

1:49 – Joan now jumps for us in her bikini…. three times! Luckily, she is in no danger of knocking herself out while doing this.

1:55 – Bad stock footage from a Joan Jett concert showing her fist pumping the crowd… wearing a very different outfit than what she is wearing during the front shots.

2:12 – Shot of the band standing in the middle of a kiddie ride at the carnival getting down to the song. Fortunately, no children were around at the time to be traumatized by this.

2:27 – Similar shot of the band standing on the beach, while some old guy with a metal detector looking for his long lost class ring walks in front of them.

It was just here fifty-three years ago!

2:40 – Beavis and Butthead’s favorite moment during their critique…

Huh huh! They’re holding their rods!

Well…. you get the picture.  This video is a collage of random WTF, two decades before that acronym even existed.  Yet, the song is actually pretty good… and it was released as a single on the heels of “I Love Rock and Roll” and made it up to #20 in the US.  You’d think this song would get a little more love, but alas, “Touch” has a rather scary skeleton lurking in its closet….

Do You Wanna Touch Me, Part I

The song was written, and originally performed by none other than glam rock legend Gary Glitter… who has a VERY bad reputation for playing the “Do You Wanna Touch Me” game on young boys and girls all over the world.  Because of Glitter’s rather disturbing history as a sex offender, this song, which is only popular in the US because of Joan Jett, has literally gotten dumped off of just about anything that could earn its writer royalties.  But don’t worry, I don’t think the currently incarcerated Gary Glitter will get anything from this song’s appearance on the Dusty Vinyl Archive…

Because, you know, The Nest would never aid and abet known pedophiles…

Come back next Monday for another great lost song that wasn’t conceived by a prevert…

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Jaw Dropping Excitement

Posted on June 27, 2020 by

OMG!

Whatever’s going on off to my right in this photo sure does have this squirrel’s undivided attention.  Maybe I should be checking out that scene rather than taking a picture of his quite excited expression…..

Nah!  It’s probably nothing big.  It really doesn’t take much to excite a squirrel.  But I know my readers demand only the best and the cutest when it comes to my Saturday Squirrel feature.  And this little ham’s a perfect example of why squirrels will never fail to entertain us…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Flower Power

Posted on June 26, 2020 by

Today’s SCT story is inspired by the photo for Pam’s Poetic Thursday prompt….

And, of course, the usual unhealthy dose of demented imagination that oozes from The Shelf….

TROLL: Oh shit!  A flower’s growing on the stage!  The boss will be pissed if he finds out I haven’t been cleaning all of the dirt out of the cracks…

FLOWER: Leave me alone.

TROLL: Did that flower just talk to me!?!?  I only had a little bit of whiskey this morning… that can’t be the booze talking!  Well, there’s only one thing left to do now with this pretty little flower…

TROLL: Kill the fuck out of it with this herbicide!

FLOWER: Don’t spray that!  It’s bad for the environment!

TROLL: I sleep in the gutter and eat out of the Chinese buffet;s dumpster.  Do you think I give a rat’s ass about the environment?

FLOWER: OK, but when you end up killing off all of the baby seals, you’ll be sorry.

TROLL: Baby seals?  Where!?!?  I’ll spray their asses too!!!  Now, prepare to die, you filthy weed!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say “weed?”

FLOWER: Better back off, raccoon, unless you want this stooge from Monsanto to give you non Hodgkins lymphoma…

FUZZYWIG: Put away that can right now, Troll!  You don’t spray weeds!

TROLL: But it needs to die!!!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, let me show you how to properly deal with a weed…

FUZZYWIG: Come with me, flower.  I have a very special vase to put you in…

FLOWER: If you’re referring to your bong, forget it.

FUZZYWIG: (Flicking his Bic) It’s time to light up and be happy…

FLOWER: What would Smokey the Bear have to say about you burning flowers?

FUZZYWIG: Was he on H.R. Pufnstuf?  Eh, you don’t look ripe anyway.  I’ll come back at 4:20 for my flower power fix…

Fuzzywig and Troll vacate the stage…

FLOWER: Well, that was close.  I knew it was a mistake choosing to grow my roots on the Shelf…

SPONKIE 2: Look, Bro!  A flower!

SPONKIE 1: Think we should pick it and give it to Mom?

SPONKIE 2: I think Mommy’s allergic to flowers.

SPONKIE 1: Mom said she’s allergic to everything except Cucci purses and diamond stud earrings.  Let’s pick it anyway!!!

FLOWER: What do you think you’re doing!?!?  Get your hooves off of me at once!!!

SPONKIE 2: A talking flower!!!

FLOWER: That’s right, I’m a talking flower.  You should leave me alone.

SPONKIE 1: Let’s take it home and see if we can sell it on eBay!

SPARKLEPONY: What do you two little miscreants think you’re doing?

SPONKIE 2: We were going to bring this flower home to you, Mommy, but then we found out it TALKS!!!

SPONKIE 1: Yeah!  It’s so cool!!!

SPARKLEPONY: I see I’m going to have to have your lazy father remove all of the lead paint from your rooms.  It’s time for you two to do your homework…

SPONKIE 2: But Mommy, it’s summer vacation!

SPARKLEPONY: I said MARCH!!!  Let’s go… hup, two, three, four….

FLOWER: And you wanted to take me home to give to that bitch?

SPONKIE 2: She may be a bitch, but she’s still our Mommy!

SPONKIE 1: Sis!  Watch this!!!

SPARKLEPONY: OWWWWW!!!!  My back!!!!!!!

FLOWER: So stepping on a crack really does break your momma’s back.  No wonder my mother never answers her texts…

RAINY: This is wrong!

FLOWER: You got a problem with me trying to live my life in this crack?

RAINY: How did you even grow there?  Don’t you need water to survive?

FLOWER: Well, aren’t you just an expert in horticulture…

RAINY: But it never rains on this Shelf!!!  How do you get your water!?!?

FLOWER: Does that answer your question, dear?

RAINY: That’s disgusting!!!!

FLOWER: Oh just wait.  I think it’s feeding time as well…

FLOWER: Ah, yes!  A nice, fresh batch of fertilizer!  Chocolate, my favorite flavor!!!

RAINY: I think I’m going to be sick….

FLOWER: You know, your rain gauge doubles as a barf bag…

RAINY: I’m not going to stand here and take any sass from a nasty plant that lives off of critter waste product!  I think it’s time to give you a healthy dose of something that’s really gross…

FLOWER: Achoo!!!!

RAINY: What did you just (sniffle) do to me!?!?

FLOWER: I just sprayed you with a heaping dose of my pollen, honey.  You might want to invest in a bulk bottle of Claritin…

Rainy retreats from the contaminated scene as fast her watery eyes will allow her to….

FLOWER: So much for Shelf Critter Theatre bring dead.  I thought I could get me some peace and quiet on this stage….

Yooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!  You are so kyooooooooooooot!!!!!!

FLOWER: No fucking duh.  All flowers are kyoooot.

MITZI: Do you, like, totally have a sister too?  Mitzi would totally make a set of pasties out of your petals!!!

FLOWER: WHAT!?!?

MITZI: And then Mitzi could, like, totally be the Queen of the Garden with her fwower nipply covers!!!

FLOWER: Why couldn’t I have been one of those spiky plants that can stab anyone stupid enough to come close to me?

MITZI: We should, like, totally do it right now!!!

FLOWER: Sorry airhead, but flowers don’t “do it.”

MITZI: Everybody, like, doos it!

FLOWER: Flowers need… um…. help to have sex.

MITZI: Ooooooh!  How kinky!!!  Let Mitzi, like, totally sniff your pretty flower!!!

MITZI: Oh noes!!!!  Like, somebody save Mitzi from these beezies!!!

Mitzi runs away, being chased by an entire hive of adoring drones…

FLOWER; What’s the matter, toots?  You don’t like making whoopie the flower way?  And here I thought you were a sexually liberated bimbocorn.  Those stingers beat the feeling of a vibrator any day…

BUSTER: Well, I’ll be darned!  A flower sprouted on our stage!

FLOWER: I guess you’ve come to harm me as well.

BUSTER: Why, I’d never dream of hurting one of nature’s beautiful creations!  I will need to transplant you, however.

FLOWER: Excuse me?  I’m fine just where I am.

BUSTER: You should really let me move you to a better location.

FLOWER: No!  I’ve planted my roots here in this crack, and by golly I’m going to stay here until I die…

SNUGGLE: Out of the way, you hippies!!!!!!!!!!

FLOWER: Me and my big stamen.  Oh well, at least I can wither away in peace now…

BEARCAT: Wow, Sis!  What happened here?

ZEEBA: Blood happened!!!!  Blood! Blood! Blood!  Wait a minute!!!  This one isn’t bleeding!!!!

FLOWER: Flowers (Cough! Sputter!) don’t have blood.  We have xylem and phloem…

ZEEBA: BULLSHIT!!!  There has to be blood in there somewhere!!!

BEARCAT: Settle down, Sis!

ZEEBA: Where are Mommy’s pruning shears?

FLOWER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZEEBA: Yeah!!!!  Xylem!  Phloem!  Blood!!!! PLANT BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!  Bleed me Seymour!!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

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