SCT Secret Santa – Day 9

The critters have come bearing gifts.  Unfortunately, one of those gifts won’t be tact… which will lead into another appalling version of the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange.  It’s time for another name drawing…

CHIP: You know, I already had a bad experience on the receiving end of this silly game.  Can’t I be excused from the giving half?

Oh, a selfish little prick, huh?

CHIP: No, I don’t mean it like that!  I mean….. my gift was garbage anyway, so it’s not like I’d be gypping…. oh, to hell with it all!

CHIP: Oh, just end my miserable life right now….

Well, that’s a distinct possibility drawing that name.  Good luck!!!!

CHIP: So…… um….. I have a gift for you…….

ZEEBA: YAY!!!!  Zeeba likes getting gifts!  Gifts of BLOOD!!!!!

CHIP: Well……. it’s……. um………. (Thinking to self) Crap, she’s not going to like this Slinky I bought her……

ZEEBA: Well!?!?!?  Where’s Zeeba’s present!?!?!?!?  Give it up, Fatty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP: Uhhhhh……………….. errrrrr……………. it’s…………….. I’m sorry!  You can buy whatever you want!

Chip tosses his wallet and runs for his life….

BEARCAT: Wow, Sis!  Look at all this money in here!  We can buy us each a Barbie Doll!

ZEEBA: And a gallon of BLOOD!

BEARCAT: And a My Little Possum figurine!

ZEEBA: And a package of bottled BLOOD!

BEARCAT: And still have enough left over for an Easy Bake Oven!

ZEEBA: So we can bake BLOOD COOKIES!  BLOOD BROWNIES!  BLOOD CUPCAKES!  BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! (Stuffs a bunch of bills in her glittery Charles Manson backpack) BLOOD MONEY!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

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Share Your World – Week 205

Lars Ulrich, heavy metal drummer and fellow Seat 9 alum.

Rock music history was made on December 8, 2013 as the heavy metal band Metallica played a concert in Antarctica…… yes, fucking Antarctica, where nobody but scientists, penguins and Bond villains live.  This concert, played in the middle of a sweltering Antarctic summer, made the group the first band in rock and roll history to play a concert on all seven continents…. a feat that The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and even Milli Vanilli can not list among their legendary accomplishments.

Some acts should consider an extended tour in Antarctica…

And now before we get brain freeze from washed up band stupidity, let’s get on to answering Di’s Share Your World questions for this week!

Time to melt Antarctica with body heat…

Do you have a favorite outfit you like to wear?

I have a lot of clothes that all look alike, so no….

Ody, however, enjoys his wardrobe from Mecca…

What is the worst thing you were forced to wear as a child (school uniforms aside) ?

I was fortunate to grow up in the era before the public schools here mandated uniforms, which I think lasted about the entirety of my two nephews’ school years from the early 2000’s until being dropped again about five years ago.  I remember one Easter when I was about 8, my Mom bought me a suit and my sisters all fancy dresses.  No, it wasn’t to go to church, we were heathens (as you can tell)… just to fuck with us kids.  It’s the only time in my life I have ever worn a suit, and just one of two times I ever wore a tie.  Even when I was a kid, I HATED dressing fancy…

I can’t be your Best Man, but maybe your worst?

Do you have a sweet tooth, and if so, are you a chewer, cruncher, or sucker?

Chewer:

Cruncher:

Sucker:

Do you think you could eat your weight in chocolate?

You could try, but the more chocolate you ate, the heavier you’d get and the more chocolate you’d have to eat to eat your weight.  I’m pretty sure it would be a never ending challenge…

That won’t stop some people from trying…

Gratitude Section Retro Comic:

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SCT Secret Santa – Day 8

If you play Christmas gift giving like it’s a zero sum game, then you’ll enjoy the overwhelming unbalance that is the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange.  Let’s see who’s about to experience then dark side of the holidays today….

SPARKLEPONY: As a hard working mother of two, three if you count my husband, I shouldn’t have to be buying anyone gifts at Christmas.  I should be the one receiving everything!

Oh, grow up you old nag and pick a name already!

SPARKLEPONY: Well, I’m certainly NOT going out of my way to shop for some nasty old Troll!  I’ll just get him the same thing I’m getting everyone else on my list….

TROLL: So yeah, I got this gift card for Christmas and I was wondering…. where’s the booze aisle?

TWILIGHT: Sir, this is a spa, and there’s only five dollars loaded on that card.  That’s not enough to purchase any of our services.

APPLEJACK: (from the backroom) What about our other spa services?

TWILIGHT: You’re right, AJ, he does have enough money for that!  And he certainly looks like he could use it.  Just follow my assistant, sir, and she’ll take great care of you!

AJ: Right this way, Sugarcube!

TROLL: So, what is this other service I’m getting?

AJ: You gotta strip down, first!

TROLL: Wow, that’s kinda kinky!  Is this one of “those” kind of spas?  (Starts removing his clothes) Oh boy, I hope I get a happy ending like I did the last time I visited the petting zoo!

TROLL: I hope we’re in a private place right now!

AJ: Don’t worry, nobody in this neck of the woods has a telescope to see anything you got.  Now, just go through that door there…

TROLL: OK, now what?

AJ: Now the fun starts, Sugarcube!!!

Applejack flips on the switch…

AJ: So, how would you rate our spa service?

TROLL: Well, I think I lost several wads of hair in the machinery, and some of the soap got in my eyes… but the brushes did tickle my jewels and I’m pretty sure my buttcrack hasn’t been this clean since that time I confused a pressure washer for a bidet!  I’ll definitely be coming back when I get another gift card next Christmas!

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SCT Secret Santa – Day 7

Allow The Nest to both warm your heart and rot your brain with the next random act of dumbness from the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange!  Let’s see what the possum dragged in today…

Oh boy.  Just how did you randomly land in front of the cup full of names?

BROTHER BEAR: I’m sorry, but I can’t reveal the behind-the-scenes secrets of my Shelf Critter trade like that!  Well, plus I don’t really know myself how I get around so much…

Well, are you going to draw a name, or….. no wait.  Can you even reach it with your disability?

BROTHER: It’s a manufacturing defect, NOT a disabilty!  As a millennial, I have a very fragile self esteem, you know…. as well as a very good discrimination lawyer.  Don’t worry, for I have brought along my own reasonable accommodation to help me accomplish my Secret Santa task!

MARY: I only agreed to help you because my invitation to participate SOMEHOW got lost in the mail, and I really need the face time because I’m so goddamn adorable!

OK look, one whiny critter is bad enough, but TWO?  Just pick a name!!!!

MARY: Yeah, yeah… keep your wool hat on!

BROTHER: Aw, thanks Mary!  You’re such a sweetie!

MARY: Yeah, and I just may park my tuchus on your face when you least expect it, buddy!  (Blows a kiss) See ya!

BROTHER: Alrighty then!  Now to make this a truly merry Christmas for a fellow ursine!

SNUGGLE: Hey, I hear you got my name in the Santa drawing!  Well, show me all the cool shit you bought for Uncle Snuggie!

BROTHER: Absolutely, Mr. Bear!  Hold on, I have it in my front pocket here….

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?

BROTHER: It’s a can of green beans!

SNUGGLE: I see that.  Now where the hell is my brand new XXXBox?  Or do you still have it on layaway?

BROTHER: Oh, there must be a misunderstanding.  This IS your gift from me!

SNUGGLE: A can of fucking green beans!?!?

BROTHER: Well, I am limited to shopping from the bottom shelf.  And it was either this or a moth-eaten bag of puffed rice cereal….

SNUGGLE: It’s a good thing you can’t get up and run, because I’m KICKING YOUR PATHETIC ASS!!!!!!!!!

BROTHER: And a Merry Christmas to you too, sir…… OW!!!!

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#40 – Man Eating Squirrel

One of the interesting things about photography is that while it captures a real life moment, sometimes the interpretation of what that moment is telling can be quite interesting, and not at all what is reality.

Case in point: These two photos I took of a squirrel in a tree at the local park holding a broken off piece of wood in its mouth.  It doesn’t take a whole lot of imagination to see that “twig” being clamped on by the squirrel’s jaws as something entirely different……. like, I don’t know…… maybe a human finger!  I’ve told quite a few “alternative reality” Saturday Squirrel stories over the years with pictures like this, and how fortunate that I captured it not long before April 1, which just happened to be a Saturday that year.  This April Fools Day tale is one of my more cherished Saturday Squirrel features!

And yes, it really DOES look like a severed finger!

The somewhat demented, psychotically evil glare given by the squirrel just really sells it!  Be careful when you wander around the park, and you better bring some nuts with you, or the squirrels just might satisfy their hunger by eating something else….

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