Bible Adventures

RICKY: Good morning, children.  I’m Pastor Ricky, and I’d like to welcome you all to Vacation Bible School.  Your parents have sent you here to enrich your religious brainwash… I mean, education…

TINA: Actually, my Aunt Scratchy sent me here because it’s free daycare.

RICKY: Yes, but…

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: And we’re just getting out of the house before mom goes on another murderous rampage again.

RICKY: Sigh.  The important thing is that you’re all here now, and can be enlightened in the ways of the Lord.  And summer Bible school can be fun as well!

ZEEBA: Are we gonna tear shit up?

RICKY: No, we’re not gonna tear sh… I mean…. stuff up.

ZEEBA: Bullshit!!!  I wanna do some smiting!

BEARCAT: Settle down, Sis!

RICKY: Now now.  Our first lesson is going to be about Noah’s Ark.  You all know the story about Noah, right?  God was going to create a flood over the entire earth, and Noah had to gather up two of each critter to survive the cataclysm…

TROLL: Ma’am, you better get on board the ark now.  It’s about to rain for forty days and forty nights.

RAINY: What forecast have you been watching?  It’s supposed to be sunny and hot for the rest of the year!

TROLL: Ma’am, my meteorologist has a pretty big say in the weather, and I’m warning you that…

RAINY: You’re trying to trick me onto that ark to be a part of your big Love Boat critter orgy you plan on having!

TROLL: What!?!?  No, I mean we’d never….. hmmmm, I didn’t think of that!  Man, it’s gonna be a wild month and a half!  I better buy some condominiums…

RAINY: See if you can survive this plague, prevert!

SQUIRREL CHILD 2: That story sucked!

RICKY: As a special treat for everyone today, I brought in the two foxes who were actually aboard Noah’s Ark!

RICKY: These two foxes alone helped to repopulate the vulpine species once the flood waters receded…

FEMALE FOX: I don’t think so.  Not with Mr. erectile dysfunction here.

MALE FOX: Honey, please!  You’re embarrassing me!

FEMALE FOX: Oh, and it wasn’t embarrassing for me to run around in heat for years with no other male fox to throw this dog a bone?  It’s a good thing I made the conscious decision not to have children anyway.

RICKY: But….. but how come there are so many foxes today if you didn’t….

SHADOW: My cloning ray is a success!!!  Too bad the offpsring look about as bright as a black hole at midnight.  But with this army, I just might be able to take over the world!

MR. FOXES: (In stereo) ………………………………………………………..

SHADOW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RICKY: Would you two heathens please leave my classroom?  I’m so very sorry you had to hear about those awful, evil stories from our guests…

ZEEBA: Yo, Preach!  When are we gonna talk about Revelations?

RICKY: But that’s at the end… and it’s not very lighthearted and child friendly…

ZEEBA: Fuck that!  I want BLOOD!  Rivers of BLOOD!!!!  Forty days and forty nights of BLOOD!!!!

BEARCAT: You’re really wound up today, Sis!

RICKY: Nothing a good exorcism couldn’t fix.  Now please, let’s move on to the story of the burning bush…

TINA: Didja bring the burning bush in for us to look at?

RICKY: No, heathen, I did not bring in…

SQUIRREL CHILD 3: Then what’s that smell?

FUZZYWIG: ‘Sup?

RICKY: Put that away!  This is a non-smoking church!

FUZZYWIG: I’m not smoking, I’m toking, dude.

SQUIRREL CHILD 4: Can we try some of your burning bush, mister?

FUZZYWIG: Of course!  This should be a learning moment!

RICKY: What?  No!!!!  You can’t…

CHILD 4: Like this?

FUZZYWIG: You got it, dude!  Hold it in until the mellow starts to kick in, and don’t forget to pass the plate.

LITTLEST: I’m next or I’m telling Mommy!!!

RICKY: No children!  This is not the burning bush!  Please return to your pews at once, children, or…. I must begin praying to deliver us from this evil!

FUZZYWIG: There, now look how happy your flock is.

RICKY: This is church!  They are not supposed to be happy!!!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah. I’m buzzing out of here Oral Roberts.  Adios, kiddos!  And don’t forget to read Jamaicans 4:20 in your Good Books…

RICKY: Now look, children.  We need to forget about all of these unholy acts that have taken place so far and concentrate on learning about the good of the Lord…. uh….

RICKY: Pardon me, but where has your little brother gone to?

CHILD 1: Beats me!

CHILD 2: He mighta gone to the potty!

CHILD 3: To play with his nuts!

CHILD 4: (Giggling) Yeah, that’s it!

RICKY: No, I see him…… Oh my….. deity whose name I can’t take in vain!

LITTLEST: Howdy (hic!) Pastor!

RICKY: That wine is for sacraments, and you’re not old enough to be drinking it anyway!  You MUST be punished!  I want you to go straight to hell!

LITTLEST: Isn’t that far away?  Mommy says I can’t leave the neighborhood!

RICKY: No!  Hell is what I call our time out corner.  You need to sit there for one hour!

LITTLEST: (Pointing at Caper) But what about her?  She’s drunk too!

CAPER: (Hic!)

RICKY: You’re so drunk you’re seeing unholy visions!  (Pointing) Go to hell, NOW!

CAPER: Sometimes it pays to be the (hic!) invisible one!

LITTLEST: What are you?

DEVIL: I’m the chaperone of hell.  My job is to deliver damnation, and stick you in the buns with this pitchfork.

LITTLEST: You do and I’m telling Mommy!!!!

RICKY: Sigh, now class, we should start with Genesis…

TINA: My Aunt Scratchy HATES Phil Collins!

RICKY: Lord, please give thou the strength to not kill today.  No, I mean….. OH NO!!!!

RICKY: What happened here!?!?

ZEEBA: This possum just got raptured!

BEARCAT: Yeah, he musta ran into the man from Mars!

RICKY: Oh goodness…. you are lucky it’s not a sin to murder a possum, but now what are we going to do with him?

HUNG LO: Perfect meat for next Saturday’s barbecue to raise money for the church bingo.  Hung Lo will take…

RICKY: Wait a minute!  Aren’t you Buddhist?

HUNG LO: I thought this church welcomed all faiths.  Besides, Hung Lo Jehovah’s Witness.  I have summons right here to appear at Jehovah’s trial next month!  HA! HA! HA! HA!

ZEEBA: Come back with my raptured soul, you blood thief!!!

HUNG LO: Here, Have copy of The Watchtower as compensation.  Good day.

RICKY: Now children.  The Lord has been testing our faith today, and I really think we should all spend the next half hour praying for His divine guidance…

TINA: That’s BORING!!!

CHILD 3: Yeah!  We want another story!

CHILD 4: Something with superheroes!

RICKY: Well, I guess we can try something from the New Testament…

Yooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RICKY: Do I even want to know?

MITZI: I’m, like, here to teach the kiddies about the totally bestest character in the whole Bible!  Mitzi Magdalene!!!

RICKY: But she was a…

MITZI: I know!!!  It’s, like the world’s oldest professor!  Mitzi Mags, like, totally had it going on in the best little whorehouse in Nazareth!

MITZI: So I, like, totally have a Biblical demonstration for all you kyooties out there!

BEARCAT: Hi mom!

MITZI: Hi little grrl!  Now, let me totally introduce you to my partner for this scene!

RICKY: Who is this!?!?

MITZI: It’s, like, Rainbow Jesus!

RICKY: He is NOT our Savior!

RAINBOW DONKEY: Haven’t you ever heard of the song “Jesus Was A Unicorn?”

MITZI: (Checking under the dreamcoat of her amazing technicolor Jesus) Oh my!  He has, like, totally risen!!!  Let’s show the kiddies how to totally do some begatting!!!

RICKY: Lord.  When you send down the giant lightning strike, please steer it away from your humble servant Ricky, the one pious critter left on this Shelf.

CHILD 1: I saw Mommy and Daddy do that once!

CHILD 2: Really?  What happened?

CHILD 3: Mommy went to the kitchen and got the Ginsu knife and they never did that again!

TINA: I haven’t seen this much rolling on the floor since Aunt Applejack took me to that Pentecostal church!

SPARKLEPONY: Sorry I’m late, Pastor Ricky.  But I’m dropping my kids off for your Bible schoo….

SPARKLEPONY: DAFUQ!?!?!?

RD: Now I know why Jesus never got married.

SPARKLEPONY: RAINBOW DONKEY!!!!  You come down from Mount Mitzirat THIS INSTANT!!!

RD: Errr, I’m not Rainbow Donkey.  I’m Jesus.

MITZI: (In full O-face) Ohhhhhhh JESUS!!!!!!

RD: See?

SPARKLEPONY: I am not believing the testimony of a tramp, mister!

RD: Sorry dear.  I was just trying to teach the children some religion.

SPARKLEPONY: They can get a lesson from ADULTERY from some other manwhore!  You’ll be sleeping in the outhouse until next Epiphany, mister!  And I’ll be nailing your begatting appendage to the cross!!!  MARCH!!!

RD: (Slowly turning tail) Yes dear…

MITZI: I guess now that, like, the holy rolling is over, Mitzi will go back to the nunnery and find some sex-ay lingerie that totally goes with my new habit!

RICKY: Yeah, you do that.  Before we all get covered in fifty feet of fresh brimstone.

RICKY: Kids, I think we’re going to have to cut this morning’s class a bit short due to unforeseen prophecies.

TINA: No way!!!

CHILD 4: But this is the coolest Bible class ever!

RICKY: NO!  The things you have witnessed today will scar you for life, and lead you to an eternity rotting away in the Goodwill Store of despair!  You must forget….

EVIL SQUIRREL: What’s going on here?

RICKY: And the critter interrupting my sermon would be….?

ES: Ummmmm…. nobody in particular.  Just, you know…. God.

RICKY: You don’t look like God.

ES: And you don’t look like a Shelf critter…

ES: Kids, what do you think of your pastor here?

CHILD 1: He’s a loser!

TINA: Yeah, this dude sucks!

ZEEBA: His strict ass needs to be drawn and quartered by the four horsemen!

RICKY: But children!  I must be strict in order for you to stay on the path to salvation and see the light…

ES: Ricky!  You’ve failed me again!!!   I want you to go straight to hell!  And I don’t mean your corner over there where the altar boys go to jerk off to pictures of Mitzi…. I mean….

RICKY: (Gulp) The REAL hell?

ES: My executive washrooms!!!  You will clean them…. NOW!  And I’m warning you, I had the potluck chileh from last week’s church ladies fundraiser, and it looks like an the Ti-D-Bol apocalypse in there!

RICKY: Yes… my Lord.

ES: And Troll took the wire brush home for his hair, so you’ll have to use your fingernails to remove the crusties!

Ricky quickly runs out into the hallway… one hand trying to pray for his soul and the other over his mouth trying not to lose his daily bread.

ES: Now I need to find a new pastor who is actually good with children!  I think I know the perfect candidate!

SNUGGLE: Awesome toss, Tina!  You got a ringer on the Tower of Babel!

TINA: YAY!  These Bible games are actually fun!

ZEEBA: Pastor Snuggie!  Is it OK if I sacrifice this skunk to the God of Blood?

SNUGGLE: Knock yourself out, kid!  God would want it that way.

TINA: So, do I get my candy back?

SNUGGLE: Gotta get it yourself, sweetie!  Let’s go back to the rectory….

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Share Your World – Week 28

There hasn’t been a man, or a critter, on the moon in my lifetime. So what’s the big deal about?

It’s time for The Nest to take another giant leap of faith into sharing our world with Melanie’s SYW questions for this week.  I actually had time to do this post on my normal Tuesday, but then saw that all the questions required actual thinking this week, and that tends to set off the smoke alarm around here even more than Fuzzywig’s “bathroom breaks” do.  And naturally, I spent exactly zero of the last 48 hours doing any actual thinking… so we’re winging through this like one of those college papers I put off until the last minute and always got B-pluses on!  Let the BS roll…

So how come nobody from the moon has walked on the earth yet?

Why do we seem to respect the dead more than the living?

As a society, this might be true… but I don’t really have any more respect for the dead than I do the living.  I’m one of those people who hates that “moratorium” we’re supposed to observe when it comes to referring to the recently deceased in anything short of mournful and outright respectful terms.  Too soon?  There is no such thing as too soon…

I do have to respect Buster, though. That possum really knows how to die…

Why is beauty associated with morality?  Or not?   (a few weeks back I asked a similar question, but the key word was MORTALITY, not MORALITY). 

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally bootiful!  And Mitzi is a polygon of morality!  Mitzi always, like, says “Pweeeeeeze” when asking for smoochies… takes off her wet panties before totally entering someone’s house… and Mitzi even extends her pinkie when giving hoofjobs!

Nononono Mitzi!  You’re confusing morality with etiquette!  In fact, I think you’ve just proved that beauty and morality don’t necessarily go together!

MITZI: You mean go together like a weewee and a vajayjay?

Shut up, Mitzi…

Beauty and morality on display.

Have gadgets and apps taken away emotions?

Is there a perfect life?  What’s your version of a perfect life if you care to share?

Everyone should have their own version of a perfect life that would include just the right amounts of things they love and value.  I’m not sure we’d all be happy with the perfect life, though… I mean, it’s the imperfect things in life that give it its flavor and charm.  I’ll share one thing… as an anti-summer person, my perfect life sure as hell wouldn’t look anything like this…

I can’t tell if this is a commercial for Corona or Cialis.

If you’d like, please share something uplifting or for which you are grateful.

Both of my cats were sitting next to me as I was trying to think of something for this.  Since I haven’t taken any pictures of them in a long time, I grabbed the camera… which immediately made Biskit bolt.  So you won’t get to see him, but here’s the old man Ody who turns 10 in a week and a half…

Yeah, whatever.

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Just A Friend

a box full of junk

It’s that midweek feature that turns one blogger’s treasure into The Nest’s trash.  Let’s get our thumb and forefinger poised to flick the game board’s cheap plastic spinner for another exciting edition of Random Image Inspiration!  Here is the latest batch of numbers fresh from the Randomator’s easy bake oven…

44, 18, 65, 34

The 44th post in my Reader was this one by Biker, Books and Yarn (Her third RII appearance despite infrequent posts.  Take that River Girl!)

The 18th word in that post is “let”

The 65th word in that post is “tell”

Normally, when I come across an “image” that is just text, I skip it and pick the next one.  But this one was pretty blunt (And I don’t mean that in a Fuzzywig kind of way)…

Putting “let tell” into Google Images brought this up as the 34th result…

Well, OK.  Who needs to find inspiration when the image pretty much tells you what to post?

And if the image told me to jump off a bridge, I guess I’d do that too…

As someone who adapted to the life of a loner early on, and has since grown to embrace it, friends aren’t really something I can claim to have.  Sure, I have people I know… mostly at work, but they’re not people I hang around with outside of the job.  Of course, there’s a lot of people I know online as well… but cyber-friendship has its real life limits.  No, Evil Squirrel doesn’t have any friends… and certainly not one he would call a best friend.

Even Friend Bear hates my ass.

Peel back the years to before high school, and you would find that even my pathetic socially retarded ass had a friend.  A BEST friend.  A friend who, for a few years, I spent more time with than the rest of my family.  His name was Shawn.  The 80’s were riddled with boys named Shawn, or Shaun, or Sean…. it was a fad name that had a billion different spellings.  The late 20th century male equivalent of Amy.  For much of the late 80’s, me and Shawn were besties.

Shawn’s the goofy one in the yellow shirt in this 32 year old photo from a class field trip. The kid sitting in the middle was also named Shawn, which proves my point about the name.

Shawn was in my grade school class and lived about four blocks from my house.  Since texting wasn’t exactly a concept in 1987, that meant I had to do a lot of walking or bike riding back and forth from his house.  That was nothing for us kids from the 80’s… we walked and biked all over town rather than sit on our asses and play with our phones.  We played many a one on one game of whiffle ball in his back yard (And only broke one neighbor’s window by using a tennis ball), annoyed his older brother Todd (Every Todd I’ve known in life has been a major jackass), and…… well, sat on our asses and played a bunch of Nintendo games on the still relatively new NES system.  Fun times!

We played the hell out of The Goonies II, and never did find that damned Transceiver.

While I am the oldest of five kids, Shawn was the youngest of seven.  Because of this quirk, his mom was damned near as old as my grandparents… which I always thought was weird.  But she was older, wiser, and knew how to lay down the law… thinking nothing of backhanding both me and Todd when we got in a scuffle once.  Yeah, the good old days when you could even physically discipline other people’s kids when they acted like assholes and not end up in jail!

This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you, mister…

During the summer vacations of 1987 and 1988, I swear I spent more time at Shawn’s house than I did my own, often staying the night.  I’m sure my parents and especially my sisters appreciated my absence.  But all good things must come to an end, and so it did for my best friendship with Shawn.  He dropped by my house one day in April of 1989 and had me search my upstairs room for a certain baseball card with a printing error that he found out made it more valuable.

Not this one, but it’s the coolest baseball card ever. Phenny’s Mama isn’t the only one who likes to write that word on things…

While I was looking through my baseball card stash, apparently Shawn was busy looking through my Dad’s much more valuable baseball card stash and getting sticky fingers.  It took a few days for my Dad to notice some of his cards were missing, but it didn’t take long after that to figure out who had done it… and it didn’t take the CSI team to get Shawn to break down and confess his crime once the matter was in police hands.  Dad got his cards back, and I don’t think I ever spoke to Shawn again.  I completely lost track of him once we both entered high school the following Fall.

And I began my very sheltered life thereafter.

So there you have it.  Even I once had a BFF, even if he turned out to be a petty criminal (who was later suspected of burning down our elementary school after it closed down in ’89).  And thanks to the Randomator, now you know about him…

Now I hang out with friends who are actually cool. And yeah, I’m a loser, baby…

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Second Degree Burns

Just put a little Noxzema on it, Buster, and it’ll be alright.

Need to beat the heat at the start of another sweltering week?  Well, The Nest has an icebag for your ears at least.  That must mean it’s Monday… that day we break out another frosty lost hit buried underneath the frozen tundra we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s always cooler than room temperature, while the down under Sponkies put on their jackets since it may drop below 75 degrees.  Time to spin this coldie oldie right round baby…

When most of the cool kids who lived during the 80’s remember the music that defined the decade, one of the more novel acts that might immediately come to mind is a UK quartet that was not wanted, but still called themselves Dead Or Alive.  Fronted by the poor man’s Boy George, Pete Burns, DoA compared love to the almighty vinyl disc with the 1984 smash “You Spin Me Round (Like A Record).”  While the song was a #1 in many parts of the world, here in the US, it only reached #11… but that was still enough to give the band it’s much deserved One Hit Wonder status for giving us one hell of an 80’s anthem and then going back to playing in circus freak shows.  Right?

Bitch, please!

Of course not.  While I despise the song itself, even to the point of preferring a cover version by Jessica Simpson of all people, I won’t deny it was a hit.  It just wasn’t their only hit in the States, by a long shot.  Just a couple years later in 1987, Burns and Co. came back mad, bad, and dangerous to know.  And they gave us their second and final US pop hit, topping out at #14, here’s the unfairly written off Dead or Alive masterpiece “Brand New Lover”…

Go ahead and make all of the politically incorrect gay western jokes you can think of… I won’t judge.

You’ve got your assless chaps on backwards, dude.

“Brand New Lover” has been forgotten about, kind of like Pete Burns’ career.  It didn’t help that Boy George beat him to popularity with the transvestite look, even though Burns claims it was his trademark first.  Pete spent much of the latter years of his life getting all of the cosmetic surgery record deal residuals could buy.  So much cosmetic surgery that….. well….

Kids, remember, you’re beautiful just the way you are.

One of the more amusing misadventures in Pete Burns’ splurge on plastic surgery was a botox procedure that didn’t quite hold up well, resulting in his lips literally exploding.  As horrifying as that may sound, it’s still the worst thing to happen to a rock group frontman.  Three Dog Night’s Chuck Negron once had his penis explode during sex with a groupie… and no, not the “good” kind of explosion.  More like a hot dog in the microwave kind of explosion.  That’s gotta hurt…

We hope these incidents weren’t…. er, related somehow.

Come back next Monday for another lost hit that will make your eardrums explode…

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Back In Action

You dropped by just to see me? Aw, you shouldn’t have…

After a long stretch of icky weather since the start of Spring had kept me from being able to do one of my park walks looking for squirrels, I’m happy to report that I was able to take my camera for a visit on Thursday morning.  No hip waders necessary, and not so uncomfortably hot that the squirrels were all hiding away in the AC of their nests.  Though the squirrel activity wasn’t as robust as I normally see it, I got quite a few great captures in just over an hour that should help stock the next couple months worth of these Saturday Squirrel features… and as always, was treated to a few squirrel sights that I’ve never gotten pictures of before.  Sciurophiles rejoice!

Among those treasures I ran across the other day was this cute little guy, who stood still long enough for me to get quite a few shots of.  I don’t know if he’s happy to see me, or he wonders what in the hell I’m doing stopping to look at him… but I had a giddy smile on my face the whole time I took pictures of him because he just looked so adorable with his short summer fur and bemused expression.  Man, I really missed doing this!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oh, I think Mitzi wants to wish me a happy birthday. So thoughtful, that girl…

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