Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #252 — 2/23/17

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Crazy Cat Squirrel

Go away! We don't want any more pussies around here!

Go away! We don’t want any more pussies around here!

picture dayIt’s time for a Picture Day Wednesday that promises to be a treat on the eyes rather than the usual eyesore…

As most of you should know by now, I have two cats who share The Nest with me.  Ody’s up there on the left, Biskit on the right.  And regulars are probably familiar with the calico I call Pretty Kitty who has come by to visit on occasion.  She is either a stray or a mostly outside cat whose pretty face can nevertheless charm a free meal out of me…

You try telling Pretty Kitty she can't have a cup full of noms on the house...

You try telling Pretty Kitty she can’t have a cup full of noms on the house…

And those of you who really stalk my blog have great memories may recall there is another cat who roams the neighborhood that I have given the name Sewer Rat due to the way he first made his presence known.  While I know for a fact that cat had a “home,” I was a bit surprised a couple weeks ago when he too showed up at my front doorstep.  It dawned on me then that the house who seemed to care for the cat was now empty… meaning Sewer Rat was now permanently on the streets as well….

The nerve of some people...

The nerve of some people…

So now I have four mouths to feed…

Sewer Rat paid me a visit during my days off last week, and since it’s been an unusually warm February, I was able to sit on the porch with him for a while and grab a few nice photos of him to share with you.  Despite the name I call him, he’s (or maybe she’s, I’ve yet to flip the cat over) an absolutely gorgeous feline…

Show me the food, and I'll come closer...

Show me the food, and I’ll come closer…

What do you see in those mangy tree rats anyway?

What do you see in those mangy tree rats anyway?

And just who are you, strange cat? This is my home now!

And just who are you, strange cat? This is my home now!

Sewer rat hisses at Ody, and my cat's too scared to even react...

Sewer rat hisses at Ody, and my cat’s too scared to even react…

I'm outta here. Have some more food ready tomorrow, and get rid of that ugly black and white beast...

I’m outta here. Have some more food ready tomorrow, and get rid of that ugly black and white beast…

Oh, come on…. one nice close up photo for your new adoring fans?

Happy now?

Happy now?

I’ll be back next Wednesday with something else catty….

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Beware Of Squirrel

You feeling lucky..... PUNK!?!?

You feeling lucky….. PUNK!?!?

As you’ve no doubt realized if you dare to even walk out your front door, our country has been turning into a cesspool full of dangerous criminals who have the few innocent citizens that remain in a constant state of fear that they will become the next victim of senseless violence.  This crime epidemic is no longer just the problem of large cities whose politicians are more focused on getting tax increases passed to build billion dollar sports stadiums rather than worry about the river of blood flowing in their streets.  No place is safe from the bad guys these days, not even places that nobody has ever heard of before like Meridian, Idaho.

You won't be smiling when you see some hooligans just took off with your car while you were posing for that selfie...

You won’t be smiling when you realize some hooligans just took off with your car while you were posing for that selfie…

Yes, Idaho!  Land of potatoes and………… um, more potatoes.  And of course, brazen burglars who strike in broad daylight and even with two feet of snow on the ground.squirrelsinnews

According to this story reported by KIVI-TV, two weeks ago mild mannered Adam Pearl came home and noticed some suspicious tracks in the snow.  Adam entered the front door and was immediately greeted by a feisty squirrel… which would only be unusual if you were one of the many foolish people out there who didn’t keep a squirrel for a pet as Adam did.  Meet the ever adorable Joey…

You'd love to come home to this face every day.... admit it.

You’d love to come home to this face every day…. admit it.

Joey had a story to tell his master, but since Google somehow hasn’t come out with a Squirrel to English translator yet, Adam was forced to discover what happened on his own.  Sure enough, those suspicious footprints combined with the scratches he found around the lock on his gun safe made it obvious that an uninvited guest had been snooping around before he got home.  Adam called the police, and they sent out crack investigator Ashley Turner…

Apparently, it was Deputy Fife's day off.

Apparently, it was Deputy Fife’s day off.

Officer Turner was conducting her routine investigation when Joey made his presence known to her by playing around her ankles.  Fortunately for both Adam and Joey, Officer Turner had the presence of mind to ask questions first before just reflexively going for her service revolver.  When asked if Joey was a biter, Adam had this great reply: “He usually doesn’t bite but you never know cause he is a squirrel.”  We at The Nest are tired of this negative sciurine stereotype being perpetuated by ignorant humans who refuse to interact with the furry species, and would like to make it clear once and for all that a squirrel will never bite you, unless that’s the kind of thing you’re into…

Unicorns love to be nibbled on...

Unicorns love to be nibbled on…

Using some untold Law and Order type deus ex machina that is unreported in this story, Officer Turner managed to track down the suspect within hours, and that’s when the other half of Joey’s exciting story he had to tell finally came to light.  You see, that petty crook picked the wrong house to try stealing from.  The entire time the thief was pocketing things and trying to use his mother’s hairpin to get into Adam’s gun safe, Joey was scratching the ever-loving hell out of his sticky fingers!  The “damn thing kept attacking me and wouldn’t stop until I left” the burglar admitted before he was hauled off to the slammer…

Never mess with a squirrel's domain.

Never mess with a squirrel’s domain.

So Joey, it turns out, was a hero.  Not that it should really be surprising that a squirrel would attack someone who was trying to get inside a gun safe… squirrels have a pretty solid case for fearing guns.  But regardless of his motivation, Joey can now be recognized as the world’s very first guard squirrel!  Yeah…. you can keep your pit bulls, your rottweilers, your expensive alarm systems that only go off when you’re walking to the kitchen to get a beer at 3 in the morning.  Thanks to the fearless actions of Joey, guard squirrels are now the trendy security must-have for every concerned American’s household!

A good guard squirrel will even scare those evil trick or treaters off your porch.

A good guard squirrel will even scare those evil trick or treaters off your porch.

The Nest would like to extend a congratulatory paw bump to Joey for scoring a minor victory for the good guys, while making the bad guys think twice before raiding a home with no barking dog.  And for going above and beyond the call of duty to help keep his oversized nest safe, we’d like to send a giant carton of Whoppers to Meridian as a reward for taking a literal bite out of crime.  Yes, Adam says Whoppers malted milk balls are Joey’s favorite treat.  Squirrels may be really awesome critters… but even with bushy tailed heroes, there is sometimes no accounting for taste…

No, there is another...

No, there is another…

Posted in Squirrels In The News | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Cougar Town

They're not my kids.  They're my boyfriends...

They’re not my kids. They’re my boyfriends…

Feeling a little frisky and looking for some music to tame the savage beast?  You’re in the right place at the right time, because it’s Monday and that means it’s time to uncage another dangerous lost earworm straight out of the jukebox jungle we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s ready to roar with another wild selection that’s guaranteed to bring out the animal in you, while the Sponkies are earning their stripes by cleaning out the record cages.  Yeah, dust bunnies have to poop too, you know…

dusty vinyl

John Mellencamp was born with a gift for music, and a name that no record producer would touch.  So they made him go by Johnny Cougar, which eventually became John Cougar Mellencamp… and only after he’d made a fuckton millions of dollars as a pop singer was he was finally free to go back to using the name his mother gave him.  Mellencamp was the solo artist version of Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Just Plain Starship, only without the name changes being due to taking too much acid…

Mind if I smoke?  I'm only lighting up 80 of these a day....

Mind if I smoke? I’m only lighting up 80 of these a day….

And no, I’m not just trying to be funny in that caption!  Per Wiki:

Mellencamp launched his Dance Naked Tour in the summer of 1994, but a minor heart attack suffered after a show at Jones Beach in New York on August 8 of that year eventually forced him to cancel the last few weeks of the tour. “I was up to 80 cigarettes a day,” Mellencamp told the Boston Herald in September 1996 about the habits that led to his heart malfunction two years prior. “We’d finish a show and I’d go out and have steak and french fries and eggs at 4 in the morning and then go to sleep with all that in my gut. It was just a terrible lifestyle.”

Wow.  Talk about your paper in fire…

What an amateur!

What an amateur!

Fortunately, Mellencamp survived his 1994 heart attack… because if he hadn’t, we’d be featuring some other song in this post today and you wouldn’t have gotten to see that cute cougar photo.  While all of John’s best remembered and signature tunes came from the 80’s when he was representin’ for small town America, his music in the 90’s didn’t quite have that same vibe or chart success.  Even though his career didn’t come crumblin’ down, a lot of the stuff from the Just Plain John Mellencamp era was absolute garbage…

But not this one…. 1999’s “I’m Not Running Anymore.”  Check it out!

It is incomprehensible to me that this song wasn’t a hit and appeared on exactly zero of Billboard’s 6900 different music charts.  Not just because I love this song just as much as the best of the 80’s JCM era, but because this song was inescapable on the radio at the turn of the millennium!  So much so, that I got very sick and tired of hearing it.  But then it disappeared from airplay anywhere and I went over a decade without hearing it again.  As can often happen, my rediscovery of “I’m Not Running Anymore” made me better appreciate how much my ears actually loved it.

And how great is it that a John Mellencamp song successfully used a Lyn Collins sample that is still most associated today with driving a notable old school rap hit?

Whoo!  Yeah!  it takes two to make a thing do right!

Whoo! Yeah! it takes two to make a thing do right!

I’ll be back next Monday with some more R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A….

Posted in Dusty Vinyl Archive | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Squirrel Head

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Nobody’s gonna put my head on their wall!

sqturday squirrel logoI came totally unprepared for this week’s Saturday Squirrel feature…. so here’s a silly photo of a tree that looks like it has a squirrel’s head sticking out of it.  It’s almost like a Wordless Wednesday on Saturday….

Enjoy!  And have a great weekend!

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