When Squirrels Attack

So, you only wanna feed the birds, huh!?!?

So, you only wanna feed the birds, huh!?!?

The internet is a cool thing.  You can use it to look up information that was once only available from 69 pound dusty books at the library.  You can use it to find out where your BFF is currently eating lunch and see for yourself just how many rat droppings are in their Big Mac.  The power of the World Wide Web has ever given us access to literally any kind of pornography we might need to tide us over before that next blind date.  And that is a beautiful thing…

Into McDonaldland porn?  Oh yeah.... it's out there somewhere.

Into McDonaldland porn? Oh yeah…. it’s out there somewhere.

Unfortunately, the very thing that allows us to watch cat videos and create unclever memes to pester people with on Facebook can also be used as a tool to bring civilization as we know it to its very knees.  squirrelsinnewsThose geeks who got wedgies every time they tried to roam the hallways of middle school can now plot to take over the world from the mildew infested comfort of their parents’ basement using only the crummy cable company wifi.  Shutting down major power plants, government websites and really terrible blogs these days is as easy as a few unauthorized keystrokes.  The very scary thought of the apocalyptic things cyber terrorism can cause in our society is enough to make us all wish for the days when such vast inter-connective technology didn’t exist…

LOL.... you really didn't believe that, right?

LOL…. you really didn’t believe that, right?

Well, you can calm down and stop hoarding canned goods in your cellar now… because some guy named Cris Thomas would like you to know that expert computer hackers are not actually the most fearsome enemy to our own existence.  No, there is a cabal of evil out there that imposes an even greater threat to our freedoms to enjoy electricity and play Pokemon Go!  A gang of villains that secretly seek to destroy the very lifelines we take for granted while we turn a blind eye towards their treasonous acts.  Just who does Mr. Thomas consider to be earth’s public enemy number one!?!?

Squirrels!

What!?!?

What!?!?

Yes, it’s time for our world leaders to stop worrying about ISIS and start honing their heat seeking drones in on those bushy tailed little fiends wearing the cute disguises.  At least that’s the conclusion Thomas put forth at some conference called Schmoocon recently in response to the growing fear that hackers can easily take down the infrastructure that makes the world go around (Props to Draliman for bringing this to my attention).

Thomas set up a Twitter feed a few years ago called Cyber Squirrel 1 in order to track power disruptions across the globe, and he came to one of the most forehead slapping conclusions that has ever been reached in the name of science.  Hang on to your seats, everyone, because what follows may shock you…… but supposedly, most power outages are caused by animals.

That's impossible!!!!

That’s impossible!!!!

And naturally, in this collection of clippings featuring felonious fauna, you know who came out on top…

Squirrels topped the list with 879 “attacks”, followed by:

  • birds – 434
  • snakes – 83
  • raccoons – 72
  • rats – 36
  • martens – 22
  • frogs – three
What.... no koalas!?!?

What…. no koalas!?!?

It should surprise absolutely nobody that squirrels, who use our electrical infrastructure as their own personal highways, would be causing so many outages.  And we at The Nest think it’s about time birds were called out for their part in making our lives a living hell as well.  We’re still trying to figure out how frogs created three power outages somewhere in the world, though…

I guess there were three times Baron von Greenback outsmarted Danger Mouse...

I guess there were three times Baron von Greenback actually outsmarted Danger Mouse…

Squirrels aren’t just the primary source of putting people in the dark.  No, they’ve apparently also added cold blooded murder to their criminal ways as well.  According to Thomas’ research, no fewer than six people died due to squirrels dropping live power lines on their heads.  Keep that in mind if you were one of those naive humans who thought an acorn ambush was all you had to worry about when you dared to leave your front door…

Remember.... squirrels want you DEAD.

Remember…. squirrels want you DEAD.

Aside from the very gall of trying to turn squirrels into adorable little scapegoats, what’s truly shortsighted about this research is the fact that no matter how devious we may believe them to be… animal-caused outages are 100% unintentional.  No squirrel, raccoon or frog wants to suffer fatal fourth degree burns just so you won’t be able to watch the next exciting episode of Real Housewives of Tittybong.  And since the dangers of stray animals doing the electric slide has been known for a long time, most of the power infrastructure we depend on has been devised to prevent as many of these kamikaze critter incidents as possible.

Things could always be worse.

Things could always be worse.

But to downplay the potential of deliberate. large scale attacks by people who want to be huge dicks simply because they don’t happen all that often is short-sighted even in the throw all logic out the window world of social and political commentary.  Making cyber security less vulnerable at all of our vital institutions we rely on should still be a huge priority, even if the human attackers in this case are actually less intelligent than the animals who accidentally crossed the streams.  It’s like stating that stadium security should be more worried about keeping fans from throwing their beer onto the field simply because it’s more common for that to happen than fearing some guy might show up with an AK-47 under his jersey intent on “improving” his team…

Don't be alarmed.  It was just a pissed off frog.

Don’t be alarmed. It was just a pissed off frog.

So when it comes down to the accusation that squirrels are the main force to be reckoned with in the cyber terrorism sector, we at The Nest calmly ask you to ignore the hype.  And no matter what the talking heads in our government or on our “news” channels may want you to believe… we need to instead recognize and prepare for the dastardly subversives who are a real threat to all we hold dear.  Yes, it’s time to round up all those evil frogs….

Help me!  Help me!!!

Help me! Help me!!!

Posted in Squirrels In The News | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Showing Our Appreciation

Woohoo!  It's our day!!!!  OUR DAY!!!!!!

Woohoo! It’s our day!!!! Just for us!!!

For the first time since I started the feature in the Fall of 2012, my weekly Saturday Squirrel post coincides with the biggest sciurine holiday of them all, National Squirrel sqturday squirrel logoAppreciation Day!  Celebrated every January 21st since 2001, it is a time for reflecting on the many positive qualities squirrels bring to our lives.  It is a time to love the species rather than curse its existence.  It is a time to celebrate the happiness and joy that we humans can get from these very special arboreal critters that can be found almost everywhere on earth!

The Nest will honor this most glorious occasion by recalling some of our favorite Saturday Squirrels from the past, so you can get to appreciate their beauty and humor one more time!  And we may as well start with the squirrel who appears in every Saturday post because he was incorporated into my badge for the feature….

The Who Me? Squirrel!:

squirrel looking at camera

Me? You want to have ME in this post!?!?

The Who Me? Squirrel was one of my first sciurine photo successes.  I loved how he was looking directly at me with his left paw up to his chest.  He is (I believe) the only real squirrel I ever worked into one of my comics

Foxy:

What?  A squirrel can't dye his tail once in a while?

What? A squirrel can’t dye his tail once in a while?

This adorable young squirrel with the fiery red tail was frequently seen in my yard around New Years 2014.  I thought I’d lost him when the unmistakably bright tail quit appearing, though I learned that these tail color variations are more a case of fur molting (See: Squirrelcoon) and Foxy undoubtedly grew in his normal grey tail to become indistinguishable from the other squirrels…

Leaping Squirrel:

Easy breezy beautiful hover squirrel.

Easy breezy beautiful hover squirrel.

One of the first photos I took with the new camera I got for Christmas 2013… I may never take a more awe-inspiring squirrel photo than this one featuring a squirrel jumping from a rock onto the nearby tree trunk.  I don’t know what setting my camera was on at the time, but whatever it was worked…

The Defender of the Realm:

Time to kick some nuts!!!

Time to kick some nuts!!!

Leaping Squirrel may be my best photo ever, but the Defender is far and away my favorite Saturday Squirrel post I ever wrote.  You really have to read it for yourself to appreciate how magically I wove together reality (My outside air conditioning unit being stolen) with this adventurous little squirrel I took a lot of photos of playing with sticks in my yard in the ensuing days.  It is sciurine storytelling at its best…

Squirrel Belly!:

I hope my cellulite isn't showing!

I hope my cellulite isn’t showing!

Is there anything cuter than a squirrel standing on his hind legs, belly facing you?  No, there isn’t, is there…

Smiling Squirrel:

Still smiling after all these years.

Still smiling after all these years.

OK, maybe a smiling squirrel holding a couple pieces of corn is cuter.  He’s only happy because you appreciate him!

Wilson:

The Lord of the Leaves reigns supreme.

The Lord of the Leaves reigns supreme.

And then there is my favorite squirrel of all time… Wilson the park squirrel who I featured in a four part series last February.  I got so many great pictures of him wrangling leaves from the abundance of piles around the park to build a very extravagant nest for himself in a nearby pine tree.  That squirrel you see running in my new header with the mouthful of leaves…. that’s Wilson!

And of course there are others standout squirrel photos I should mention….

Backstabbing Squirrel:

Yes, I added the dagger.  I don't allow my squirrels to have weapons.

Yes, I added the dagger. I don’t allow my squirrels to have weapons.

Big Mouth Squirrel:

I don't know how he does it either.

I don’t know how he does it either.

Greyhound Squirrel:

Leave the awwwwwing to us!

Leave the awwwwwing to us!

Cuddling Squirrels:

How sweet....

How sweet….

And of course that can lead to………

Yeah, baby!  Let's celebrate Squirrel Appreciation Day!

Yeah, baby! Let’s really celebrate Squirrel Appreciation Day!

However you choose to appreciate our fine, fuzzy friends with the bushy tails on their special day, please make it a good one!  A remember… not just January 21st, not just Saturdays…. but EVERY DAY should be Squirrel Appreciation Day!

Yeah, it's MY DAY!  How do you like them apples!!!

Yeah, you should love me every day! How do you like them apples!!!

Have a great NSAD weekend everyone!!!

Posted in Saturday Squirrel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

I Missed The Bus

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SCRATCHY: TIIIIIIIINAAAAAAA!!!!!  Let’s go!  It’s time for school!

TINA: Coming, Aunt Scratchy!  I just gotta put my perfume on!

SCRATCHY: Aren’t you a little young to be wearing perfume?

TINA: Aunt Scratchy!  I gotta have something to cover up the smell of Disney Princesses Bubble Bath if I want to attract the colts!

Tina finally emerges from the bathroom and grabs her My Little Human backpack…

TINA: OK, I’m ready to get my education on!  So, where’s the bus?

SCRATCHY: It came by 20 minutes ago while you were taking morning selfies in the mirror.  Looks like you’ll be hoofing it to school today!

TINA: Walk!?!?  Like, half a mile to school!  That’s cruel and uncritterlike!  I won’t…

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SCRATCHY: You’ll walk to school and like it, young filly!  And here, take this trusty cellphone with you in case you run into any trouble.

TINA: But Aunt Scratchy!  I already have my own phone!  This ancient artifact has a rotary dial!

SCRATCHY: Do you know how to make a call on your phone?

TINA: Errrrr…. (grabs the ancient artifact) OK, I guess I’m off now.  Hopefully I won’t get killed or something!

Little Tina set off on the long and dangerous road to school by her lonesome.  It wasn’t long before she passed a pack of squirrel boys…

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CHILD 1: Holy crap!  A girl!

CHILD 2: Man, I’ve heard some nasty things about girls!

CHILD 3: Little Johnny got kissed by a girl last year and got the possum trots and DIED!

LITTLEST: Aw, she doesn’t look harmful to me!

CHILD 4: Are you kidding, little brother?  Man, she’s probably got cooties crawling all over her!

Tina notices the boys as she struts by….

TINA: Hey there, cuties! (flashes them a wink)

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The four older squirrel boys suddenly change their tune and crowd around Tina… offering to carry her books, asking for her number, trying to awkwardly hide the visible signs of puberty that are beginning to show…

LITTLEST: I thought you all said she had COOTIES!!!

TINA: Down boys!  He’s right… I’m flat out loaded with the coots!  You all better back off and bury your nuts before you end up having to change your clothes!

Tina trots along and leaves the horny squirrel boys feeling unfulfilled and without her private Snapchat account.  Soon she walked by a run down shady house and was greeted by an angry visitor over the fence…

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TINA: Awwwww, what a cute little doggie!  My, what big teeth you have!  And you even look like you’ve been eating bubble bath!

The dangerous mongrel leaps the fence and growls angrily at Tina…

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FLEABAG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Tina scritches the rabid mutt on the head, causing him to foam up even more.

FUZZYWIG: Dammit, Fleabag!  That’s NOT the mailman that keeps sending me all these bills while “losing” my Playcoon magazine!  Get your ass inside that house right now!

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Fleabag cowers seeing the taser in his master’s hand and crawls back into the yard…

TINA: That’s a nice puppy you have there, Mister!

FUZZYWIG: Didn’t your parents teach you not to talk to strangers?  Scram!

TINA: Aw, I’m just trying to be friendly while I walk 500 miles to school!

FUZZYWIG: That’s a coincidence, because I’m heading to school as well.

TINA: Wow!  How many times did you flunk out?  You look older than our nasty principal!

FUZZYWIG: I’m not going to school to sit in class, stupid girl.  I’m a salesman!

hoof8

FUZZYWIG: So….. any of your friends wanna try some of this “good stuff?”

TINA: OMG!  The D.A.R.E. program taught me to stay away from that MARIHUANA!  Can I try it?

FUZZYWIG: You got any money, kid?  I’m not into free samples…

TINA: I’ve got a dollar to buy lunch with…

FUZZYWIG: That won’t even get you a sniff of the baggie.  Tell you what, scrape together some more dough and meet me behind the jungle gym after school around 4:20.

TINA: I’ll be there!  Thanks mister!

Tina continued on the strange and crazy route to school that took her through….

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TINA: Ooooh, I don’t remember this graveyard being here before!  There’s nothing spookier than walking over the bodies of dead critters!

BUSTER: Excuse me, Miss…

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BUSTER: You really shouldn’t be stepping on the final resting places of the dead!  It’s horribly disrespectful, and the groundskeeper might hit you with his rake if you mess up the weeds…

TINA: Why should you care, butt ugly possum!  It’s not like it’s you that’s buried under here!

BUSTER: Ummmmm, actually, it IS my body in that grave.

TINA: What?

BUSTER: Yeah…. Death #69, when I got electrocuted by dropping my hair dryer in the toilet last week.  I feel pain inside every time some careless person steps on one of my many graves.

TINA: Is that right?

Tina begins dancing and jumping up and down on Buster’s grave…

BUSTER: NO!!!! NO!!!!  OW!!!!  Please, STOP!!!!!  My spleen!!!!!!!

hoof13

Buster falls over dead…. for the 70th time.

TINA: Wow, it really WAS you under here!  That’s so cool!  Toodles, Mr. Carcass!

Tina gallops out of the spooky, dead possum infested graveyard and scoots along towards her next misadventure…

SNUGGLE: Hey there, little girl!

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TINA: Ooooh!  Candy!!!!  For me???

SNUGGLE: Sure!  Help yourself! (Tina grabs a fruit chew)  I’ve got plenty more in my dark, windowless car over there!

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TINA: Oh boy!  This is my lucky day!  Take me to your candy stash, stranger!

SNUGGLE: This is like taking candy from a…… well, whoever I stole this candy from.

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TINA: Are you sure there’s candy in there?  That’s an awful small vehicle for a prevert like you.

SNUGGLE: It’s the only damn decent sized car prop we have, OK?  I’d have rather got a van….. hey, what did you call me?

TINA: Prevert!!!  Because that’s what you are, right?  Nobody but Grandma gives out candy to underage girls just to be nice!  I may be young, but I’m not stupid!

SNUGGLE: Well, I did have my designs set on…… you know…..

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TINA: Well, come on then, big furry prevert!  Come and get your little jailbait fantasy!

SNUGGLE: Is this some kind of trap!?!?  (Looks all around for Chris Hansen’s cameras and starts sweating) Look kid, let’s just forget the whole….

TINA: (Pouty faced) You get me all sweetened up with candy and you don’t want to give this girl some real sugar?  Maybe I’m just not “cute” enough for you… (Tina flashes her Frozen Underoos)

SNUGGLE: Man, I’m getting the fuck out of here!!!!  Bitch, you’re fucking nuts!!!

Pedo…. er, Snuggle Bear pushes Tina off his car and takes off like a bat out of hell…

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TINA: So long, sucker!  Thanks for all the free candy!

The street smart little filly has her fill of the ill-gotten treats before once again getting back on the trail to school….

TINA: Finally!!!  I thought I’d never get here!

TWILIGHT: Welcome to school, Tina!

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TINA: Howdy, Miss Twilight!  I hope class is interesting today!

TWILIGHT: It was… we dissected this dead possum the squirrels found lying in a graveyard.  But I’m afraid school’s already out for the day.

TINA: Dafuq?  I wasn’t walking for that long, was I?

TWILIGHT: It’s already 3 PM, and the principal has has decided to expel you for yet another truancy.

TINA: Wait!  How am I supposed to get an education if I’ve been expelled!?!?!?  I promised Aunt Scratchy I’d grajuwait from college!!!

TWILIGHT: Sorry, I can’t help you anymore Tina.  I guess if you want to have a bright future now, you’ll just have to learn to be a slut…

TINA: Learn to be a what!?!?!?

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TROLL: YEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

TINA: Wow!  Do that again, Mistress Mitzi!!!  I want to make sure I’ve got this whip cracking technique down!

MITZI: That’s my l’il grasshopper!!!  Put that ball thingy in the slave’s mouth so he can’t, like, utter the safeword and ruin everything!

TINA: This is gonna be the easiest A evah!!!

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Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #247 — 1/19/17

comic11917

Image | Posted on by | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Wild Things

Anyone looking to adopt a hypercarnivore?

Anyone looking to adopt a hypercarnivore?

picture dayIt’s Picture Day Wednesday, and a poorly planned out one at that what with all kinds of odds and ends fun to deal with this morning.  To make it worse, I had to completely alter the course of what I was going to write about because I realized my pictures weren’t what I thought they were….

So, out goes the script on nature’s fun little package called the hyena…

And in with a new narrative on the colorful and adorable mongrel known as the African Wild Dog!

Ummmm.... come on, dudes.  Look adorable, already...

Ummmm…. come on, dudes. Look adorable, already…

These photos come from last May’s zoo trip that has filled a number of Wednesday openings on this blog already… and I’d mistakenly assumed the dog-faced critters were your average, anything but ordinary yeens.  But Google confirmed my suspicion that they were actually the brilliantly painted wild dogs… who are in a way the hyena’s bitch.  You see, the meat-loving wild dogs kill the prey… and those laughing hyenas in the bushes wait until the time is right to march right on in and take what they think is theirs.  It’s kinda the same method your government uses to collect its taxes from your paycheck…

If the neighbors in the next exhibit over come and take this entrailed rabbit from us, we're going to shoot them.

If the neighbors in the next exhibit over come and take this gutted rabbit from us, we’re just going to lie down and let them treat us like dogs.

As with most African wildlife, the easiest place to find a wild dog is on the endangered species list.  Reading the country-by-country breakdown of the African wild dog’s past and present status is a pretty sad and discouraging tale of yet another animal that was hunted simply because it was an inconvenience to humans.  It’s a shame that the torty of the canine community might not make it around for the next century to enjoy…

I wouldn't smile so big, Sparky.  You're the next one who might end up being "inconvenient"...

I wouldn’t smile so big, Sparky. You’re the next one who might end up being “inconvenient”…

I’ll return next Wednesday with something else that’s a doggone shame…

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