SCT Secret Santa – Day 2

Tis the season for giving, so The Nest is going to treat you to another bad case of heartburn with the next entry in our Shelf Critter Secret Santa series.  Who will be the next critter who will have to find a crappy gift for someone who won’t appreciate it?

Looks like it will be The Shelf’s resident random noise generator, Scratchy!

SCRATCHY: Don’t be parroting that parrot, dude!  It’s a well known fact birds have no sense of musical taste.  “Fly Robin Fly,” “Mockingbird,” “Disco Duck,”….. need I go on?

Whatever.  Just draw a name so we can get back to T.G.I.F…..

SCRATCHY: No way, man!  This is like Fonzie having to buy a gift for Urkel.  I don’t shop at uncool stores.  Can I pick again?

Sorry, you’re stuck with Chip.  Let’s see what Scratchy comes up with for everyone’s favorite straight critter…

SCRATCHY: So I had no clue what you might want…. so I just made this mix tape off the radio.

CHIP: Hey, that’s cool!  And I just happen to have a cassette player on my Walkman here….

SCRATCHY: Of course you do.

Chip presses Play….

You won’t want to miss Mattress Warehouse’s Iben Browning Day sale this weekend!  Take up to 99% off our overly inflated prices on a new box springs….

CHIP: I think you accidentally recorded….

SCRATCHY: Naw, I had no idea what kind of music a flake like you listens to….

Side effects of taking Fukitol® include nausea, headache, cold sores, hardening of the arteries, stretch marks, hairballs, spleen rupture, bad hair, and death….

SCRATCHY: So I just made up a mix tape of radio commercials.

Join KRAP deejay Dick Vinyl as he broadcasts live from Big Bertha’s Brothel this Saturday afternoon from 2 to 4:20.  Bring the whole family, as there’ll be games, prizes and free samples…

CHIP: It’s official.  The argyle socks and matching underwear my Aunt Madge got me for Christmas when I was nine are no longer the worst Christmas gift I’ve ever gotten….

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SCT Secret Santa – Day 1

Another year, another horrible Shelf Critter Advent calendar series.  For this fifth edition, The Nest took the names of 24 of your favorite Shelf critters and put them in a cup to have them draw another critter to buy a gift for.  As with most Secret Santa exchanges, we encouraged the critters to spend no more than $20 on their gifts, but we don’t expect them to actually follow that rule since most of them don’t know math and are currently in bankruptcy….

Let’s see who the first critter is to get to draw a name from the hat!

Seriously, the stupid dog gets to go first?

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I DON’T HAVE TWENTY BUCKS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

That’s too bad.  Maybe you can sell yourself to the Chinese buffet to raise the money then.  Well, nevermind that…. just draw a name.  And please, try not to drool in the container.  That cup needs to go back in the commissary soda fountain on December 26th…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I’M GOOD WITH KIDS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

Yeah, sure you are…. just like John Wayne Gacy was.  Well, let’s see what Fleabag gives the Squirrel Children for the Shelf holiday party…..

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Oh boy!  Tootsie Rolls!!!!!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! 100% ORGANIC! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHILD 2: I get first pick!!!

CHILD 3: Wait a minute!  There’s only four Tootsie Rolls for five kids!

CHILD 4: Looks like Pipsqueak gets to watch us eat our candy!

LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy you won’t share!!!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DON’T WORRY, I GOT ANOTHER ONE COMING BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! ………. PLOP!

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Share Your World – Week 204

Building a giant radio telescope in the middle of a sinkhole. What could possibly go wrong?

In the early 1960’s, what began as a Cold War era project by the US government to detect nuclear missiles morphed into a giant radio telescope built into a natural sinkhole in Arecibo, Puerto Rico.  For the next fifty years, the Arecibo telescope scanned the skies for objects in deep space and signs of extraterrestrial intelligent life as the world’s largest single aperture radio telescope.  The site was even used for the ending fight scene in the 1995 James Bond movie GoldenEye.

However, the structure supporting the telescope began to fall into disrepair in the late 2010’s, with damage from 2017’s Hurricane Maria and two subsequent earthquakes leaving the rig in perilous shape.  Though it was already decided in November 2020 that the telescope would be decommissioned and torn apart, nature did the job for humans on December 1, 2020

Oh well, back to the drawing board, as they say….

And speaking of the drawing board, let’s use it to answer this week’s Share Your World questions from Di!

Actual images from the Arecibo Radio Telesc…. errrr, maybe not.

Do you have any family traditions?

Not in the sense that this question is asking.  But there were annual things we did throughout the year when I was young since we were poor to break the monotony.  There was the yearly trip to Six Flags, usually made by scrounging up as many empty cans of Coke we could find to get the discounted price (And of course, me and my sisters were always 12 and under, even when we weren’t).  Vacations consisted of every-other-year trips to that tourist hot spot Paducah, Kentucky, which was about 150 miles southeast of where we lived.  Fun times, indeed….

Made even more fun by backwards facing station wagon seats…

With December on its way, have you ever been carol singing?

Do you decorate your home for the Christmas holidays?

No, but I can occasionally seasonally decorate a Shelf Critter Theatre scene….

Well, if that doesn’t make things look merry and bright…

Do you enjoy the Christmas rush for preparations and shopping?

If you’re talking about watching others do that kind of stuff at work….. well, kind of.  But only when the big fights break out…

Good thing my box cutter is always sharp….

Gratitude Section Retro Comic:

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#41 – Wild Kingdom

While July 6, 2017 will always be a dark day in my life as it was the evening my Dad passed away… before I fully knew what would be in store for me that night, I received a rather welcome distraction that morning which started with a very loud rendition of the Squirrel Alarm.

That loud screeching/barking sound you might hear on occasion coming from the trees is likely a squirrel who has discovered a perceived threat and is broadcasting the message to every squirrel in earshot.  This squirrel alarm was even more rousing than usual, as it was multiple squirrels who were sounding off outside my door.  I spotted one of the noisemaking squirrels in my neighbor’s tree, and then I spotted the threat….

Do I look like a threat to you? (Licks lips)

The cat I came to affectionately call Sewie was on the prowl, or at least lurking about.  And that had the squirrels on edge.  The following Saturday, I processed the pictures I took that morning and added my own dialogue to turn these photos into an over-dramatized story, which will be presented this week as my 41st favorite Saturday Squirrel exactly as it appeared five years ago….


Uh oh!  One of my sciurines in arms has sounded the alarm!  I wonder what’s up!  Hopefully it’s just another false alarm like when Ralph stubbed his toe on that giant acorn last week and….

HOLY SHIT!!!!  Is that what I think it is!?!?!?

Well, poop.  Looks like the stupid tree rat has spotted me.  Not that it will keep such a skilled hunter as myself from having a nice, fat squirrel supper tonight.

Does he see me?  Does he see me!?!?  Oh shit, I think he does!  What to do, what to do!?!?!?

Maybe if I just lay here and look cute, the pussy beast will ignore me!  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

You can’t stay up in that tree forever, you no good little tasty morsel.  I’m in no hurry though….. take your time.  It’ll just work up my appetite even more.

No good little……… what!?!?  Hey, you can’t talk to me like that!  I’m a squirrel and I have rights too!  I have the right to life, liberty, and………. um….. life!  And if you think for one minute that some internet lolcat reject is going to intimidate me on my own turf….. well, let me tell you something mister, you’ve got another thing coming!!!!

(Licks lips) Not in aaaaaaaany hurry at all.  Take your time, pal……………………

Oh geez….. what am I gonna do?  Is there a deus ex machina in the house!?!?!?

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Paradise Found

The Garden of Eden. Just add Miracle Gro.

Too worried about how many shopping days are left until Christmas to enjoy your Monday?  Well, The Nest has just what you need to pump your ears up with more than just Alvin and the boys screeching like rodents in heat.  This is the day we we fetch another lost song that got unjustly sentenced to that Island of Misfit Muzak we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s ready to smash all of her Burl Ives and Jose Feliciano records, while the Sponkies try their best to behave in front of the elf on the shelf.  You won’t need to save the receipt for this gift…

Long before there was that other guy in Van Halen, there was that guy in Van Halen.  That would be the ever effervescent original lead singer of that famous rock band, one David Lee Roth.  Diamond Dave was ever the showman, something which was quite apparent when MTV came around in the 80’s and Roth stole the show in all of their videos.

Looks like Dave just found Waldo…

When Dave left Van Halen in 1985 over creative differences with the late Edward Van Halen, he jumped head first into an incredibly successful solo career that milked the exposure the wild videos David shot for his songs to the absolute max.  Not even a year after Madonna scandalized the youth of America by slinking around seductively on stage in a wedding dress, Diamond Dave was shooting videos for his covers of “Just A Gigolo” and “California Girls” that featured the most female skin you could see on TV outside of HBO, and which made the shoot of “Hot For Teacher” look like a PTA meeting in comparison…

How quaint. These days, the girl can wear a thong and shake her ass all day, but that flag’s gotta go!

While DLR’s early solo videos made for some nice eye candy, his best solo hit in my opinion has no half naked chicks at all in it.  It’s just a great, energetic rocker…

“Just Like Paradise” was the first single from Dave’s 1988 album Skyscraper and reached #6 on the Hot 100.  It just features Dave and his new band rocking out and clowning around on stage, and also has shots of Roth rock climbing at Half Dome in Yosemite National Park.  You gotta admire a rock star who isn’t afraid to do his own stunts…

squirrel hanging upside down

Amateur!

Come back next Monday for more lost hits straight from paradise…

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