Candy Girl

Posted on March 20, 2019 by

It’s time for another exercise in Wacky Wednesday as we fire up the randomator and await this week’s visual cue for Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see which one of the fifteen gazillion pictures on the internet will serve as The Nest’s guiding light this time.  First, those totally random numbers…

9, 67, 86, 10

The 9th post in my Reader was this one by Phenny,  Yep, that’s two weeks in a row as the RII originator…

After wrapping around the 33 word post twice, the 67th word turned out to be “bon”

The 86th word in that post is “of”

Putting “bon of” into Google Images turned this up as the 10th result…

It’s a lady made out of sweets!  I think it said her name was Baroness BonBon, or something like that.  Oh well, let’s steal the same prompt from this year’s Contest of Whatever and have Miss BonBon walk into a bar……. full of horny males, of course.

YAY! I haven’t used the frat guys picture on my blog in a long time!

With the Renaissance Fair canceled due to rain and rusty armor, Lady BonBon decided to spend the afternoon in one of the local watering holes…

“What’ll it be, Miss?” the bartender asked the candy coated customer.

“Kool Aid on the rocks.  LOTS of sugar, you hear me?”

Suddenly she felt the finger of a stranger running up her leg.

“What’s the meaning of this!?!” Lady BonBon shouted as she turned towards the man who was violating her personal space.  The pervert next to her merely brought his finger to his mouth and licked off all the icing he’d just scooped up.

“Mmmmmmm, nice dress, baby!  And I really mean that!  I’m not afraid to admit I love pink icing!  Name’s Sleazeball!” the man said as he reached back and grabbed another huge chunk of icing off of Lady BonBon’s bunbuns…

The horrified woman quickly moved towards another part of the bar where she ran into a lowlife named Douchebag.

“Oh boy!” Douchebag gleefully said all wide eyed.  “I love peppermint!  And it isn’t even Christmas!”

Lady BonBon shrieked as Douchebag began licking her chest…

“The behavior of the filth in this bar is appalling!” the candy princess proclaimed as she escaped her tormentor who had a candy cane fetish.

Things were no better in the far corner of the bar, where a patron named Dickhead began eating her hair!

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!” Dickhead sang as he began licking up the poor lady’s luscious locks.

“This is an OUTRAGE!  I spent five hours down at the confectioner’s getting my hair done… and NOT for some fresh scumbag to lick up!”  Lady BonBon snapped her peppermint cane in half and announced she was leaving!

But she didn’t make it to the door before she got manhandled by a fellow named Asshat who began sloppily kissing her tart covered mouth.

There was nowhere for Lady BonBon to go as the others in the bar converged on where Asshat had her in a bear hug….

“I’m going to lick every inch of that sweet body!” Sleazeball bragged.

“I might just bite into her, myself!” Douchebag replied

Dickhead shouted, “I got dibs on eating her….”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lady BonBon was never heard from again.

It’s ten years later now.  I’m a freelance private eye who works on cold cases in my spare time.  I was looking into the BonBon case… weird chick covered in candy who disappeared a decade ago.  She was already well past her expiration date and presumed to be dead.  I’d gotten a tip that she was last spotted walking into a seedy looking downtown tavern.

“You seen this girl before?” I flashed an old photo in front of the bartender.

The look in his eyes told me he knew who she was.  “uhmmm…. maybe.”

“Come on, mac.  You can’t forget a treat like that.  What happened to her?  I want her killers brought to justice!”

The bartender didn’t appear to be very forthcoming and just continued spit shining shot glasses.  I gazed around at the patrons… four outright losers who were probably regulars in this shithole.  I slammed my glass of tap water on the counter to get some attention.

“I WANT TO KNOW WHO MURDERED LADY BONBON TEN YEARS AGO!  COME ON, NOW… GIVE YOURSELVES UP!!!”

“Not me!” Sleazeball said as he went back to gumming his glass of booze…

“Me neither!” Douchebag shook his head as he injected himself with insulin…

“”Nope, not me!  Not me!!!” Dickhead said as he ran circles around the pool table and leaped over chairs like a hyperactive little child…

“You’re all under arrest!” I announced to the sweet toothed criminals.  Then I looked over at the fourth suspect.  “Well?”

“No use in lying,” Asshat said.  “Apparently the Red Dye #6 in used in pink icing is a carcinogen and now I have a month to live.  It doesn’t matter if I spend it rotting in jail.”

“There’s justice for you, flatfoot,” the bartender sneered at me as he spit a loogy in another pint glass.  “They got their just desserts….”

Karma’s a bitch.

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Share Your World – Week 11

Posted on March 19, 2019 by

You looking for Spring? Sorry, haven’t seen it.

It’s time for another Phat Tuesday full of TMI courtesy of Melanie and the Share Your World team.  Here are this week’s questions that are eagerly awaiting my set of smartass answers.  I’m just burning daylight trying to come up with some pseudo-clever intro, so let’s get right to that logo then…

SCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRATCH!!!!!

Oh wait.  There’s a new updated logo… apparently inspired by my snarky comments about all four globes facing towards the Eastern hemisphere.  So now we have this to ooh and aah over…

Now with double Middle East! Hey, it’s the Cradle of Life after all…

Now, let’s really get this show started…

Do You Have Any Guilty Pleasures?

Everyone has guilty pleasures.  The question should really be whether one actually feels guilty about their guilty pleasures.  I try not to be, because fuck what other people think is right or not.  I don’t succeed all that well in that goal, however.  I mean, I’m proud as hell of my little large HUGE critter collection that sits on the shelf behind me… but I sure as hell don’t talk about it around people I know.  I mean, after all, I’ve become this guy…

Chicks like unicorns, and this guy should be a chick magnet…… right?

What Is The Worst Pick Up Line You Ever Heard/Used?

I’ve never got in on the singles scene, and I have loner loser written all over my face, so I’ve never been on the giving or receiving (Why should guys have all the fun?) end of any lame pickup lines.  Maybe the critters can answer this question for me…..

FUZZYWIG: So, um…. wanna take a hit off my bong?

RAINY: NO!  You can’t use my precious rain gauge to measure……. THAT!!!

SNUGGLE: Hey baby!  Wanna put your delicates on my agitator?

MR. FOX: ……………………………

MITZI: Like, there’s bad pick up lines?  Lulz!  No ways!  Ooooh, is that a possum in your pants, or are you just happy to see Mitzi?

What Slang Or Trend Makes You Feel Old?

I’d like to say just about anything smartphone or social media related…. but the adults are just as bad, if not worse about it than the kids.  After over a decade of corrupting the population of planet earth, I still don’t get the allure of Facebook, Tweeter, selfies, or having your face buried in a “phone” at all hours.  I sure as hell didn’t need any of that when I was a kid.

#GetOffMyLawn

What Do You Consider The Most Over-rated Song?

I dedicated an entire countdown to this a year ago!  I rated Journey’s “Don’t Stop Belivin'” at #1, a surefire piece of shit song if there ever was one… yet one that is inescapable because supposedly everyone loves hearing it ten times a day.  Journey’s an overrated band too.  Not quite as overrated as Prince, but that’s a very high hurdle for any piece of shit artist to climb over…

Kiss my ass, Prince.

You Find A Book And Begin To Read Only To Discover That It Is Your Life. You Get To The Point That You Are At Now, Do You Turn The Page Knowing That You Will Not Be Able To Change The Events To Come?

NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!  Everybody thinks they would want to know what they’ve got coming to them, but nobody would really want that information.  Hell, I fear ever getting the dreaded “You’ve only got X months to live” speech from a doctor, because I’m pretty sure I’d freak the hell out if I were imminently staring down my own mortality.  Burn those future pages, dammit!

Buster’s life story would be a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Die.  Start over. Die. Start over. Die….

This Week’s Gratitude Moment:

Winning this guy out of the claw machine last week… and just in time for Friday’s Shelf Critter Theatre episode.  I always wanted a dragon…

Even if he does look like Barney the Dinosaur…

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Hyper Science

Posted on March 18, 2019 by

Hopefully this week’s earworm doesn’t blind you…

It’s time to put away all of those hideous green clothes you wouldn’t wear any other time of the year, and properly dispose of all of that sickly looking green beer.  But don’t worry, you’ve still got the luck of a leprechaun as today is Monday, and that’s the day The Nest searches for that lost pot of gold at the end of that neon rainbow of yesterday’s music we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy staggered into work this morning with a hangover and half of her mane still green, while the Sponkies are busy pinching each other because they need another shot of Ritalin.  Speaking of which…..

Let’s play a little word association game.  When I say “Thomas Dolby,” what’s the first thing that comes into your mind?

Correct! Any other answer is wrong…

Dolby is a one hit wonder who, at least in the US, can actually truthfully lay claim to that title of ignominy.  His 1982 hit “She Blinded Me With Science” is still played on variety and “oldies” stations to this day… and of course, that familiar exclamation that is made often in the song by Magnus Pyke, which he was never able to live down.  I guess there’s worse things in life to be associated with than the guy who goes around randomly yelling “SCIENCE!”

Hey, it’s Randy the Dandruff Sufferer!

Everyone knows “She Blinded Me With Science”…. but unless you grew up in the MTV era, and in particular watched the channel a lot in 1984 like I did, you may not be aware that Dolby actually had another semi-hit…. or even wrote another song for that matter.  And while this one isn’t quite as catchy as “Science,” the song and most certainly the video for it are just as if not even more weird…

Believe it or not, I actually knew “Hyperactive” before I’d ever heard of “Science” because it was getting a lot of airplay on MTV when my family first got cable in 1984 and I watched the hell out of videos.  The song only hit #64 in the US and was forgotten about as soon as it slipped from MTV’s rotation…

My Dad always told me (And I don’t know now if he really believed it himself or was just being funny) that Thomas Dolby was the genius behind that Dolby Sound credit you always saw at the end of movies.  Dolby’s real name is actually Thomas Robertson, and he use Dolby as his stage name because his constant tinkering with sound equipment earned him the nickname.  While the founder of Dolby labs actually does have a son named Thomas, Thomas the singer has nothing at all to do with the company.  Once Dolby became famous, the corporate Dolby sued to try and get the science Dolby to drop the made up surname.  That lawsuit was not successful…

Not quite as catchy as “Science!” but still fun to randomly shout.

Come back next Monday for another lost hit presented in crystal clear Dolby Digital Surround Sound…

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Hangin’ Out

Posted on March 16, 2019 by

Yo, wassup?

I love the way the squirrel in the upper left of this photo is upright and looks like he’s leaning with his arms on that branch.  He’s got that aura of Joe Cool going as he looks towards his buddy a couple branches down.  Another cute and totally hip Saturday Squirrel…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Enter The Dragon

Posted on March 15, 2019 by

STEVE IRWIN’S COUSIN: (With an overdone Australian accent) Crikey!  Would you look at those crazy wallabies runnin’ ’round in circles!  They seem to be under the influence of the opium in this field!  Let’s go take a closer look…. crikey!  Look at the teeth on that cutie! (CHOMP!)  Oi!  He got me right in the jugular!  Nah, mate!  Don’t call for medical help!  Keep filming this, this is amazing!!!  (CHOMP!) Aiiiee!  Me nuts!!!!

FUZZYWIG: I’d love this show even if it didn’t come on at 4:20…

VOICE: Whatcha watching?

FUZZYWIG: The Crock O’ Shit Hunter.  It’s pretty….

Fuzzywig turns around…

FUZZYWIG: Wonderful.  That’s the last time I buy my good stuff from that weird sloth down the street…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HERE THERE BE DRAGONS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Wait, you see him too?  Well, the good news is that I’m not having a flashback to my acid days.  The bad news is that somehow a fucking dragon just wandered into our house.

DRAGON: I mean you no harm, sir.  I’m new to the Shelf and just wanted to check in on my neighbors.

FUZZYWIG: So of all the critters on this shelf, you chose to visit me.  Lovely.  I guess you’re Puff the Magic Dragon.  I don’t mind sharing my stash with a fellow reefer…

DRAGON: Nah, that was a long time ago and I worked hard to get clean.  After kicking my MARIHUANA addiction, I had my name legally changed from Puff to Pass.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PASS THE DRAGON FROM THE LEFT HAND SIDE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Damn, there goes the last of my childhood idols.  Well, it was nice of you to drop in to see what condition my condition was in.  So long…

PASS: Are those crackers?  After all these years, I’ve still got a case of the munchies…

FUZZYWIG: Ummmmmm, sure.  Go ahead and make yourself at home.  Private property apparently isn’t much of a concept where dragons come from…

PASS: Say, could you be a chum and hand me some of those crackers?

FUZZYWIG: Are you serious?

PASS: Yeah.  They gave me short arms for some reason.  You know, dinosaurs and dragons… people get us confused all the time since there aren’t many of either of us left.

FUZZYWIG: This critter can’t be for real…

CHIP: Hey there, Fuzzy!  How’s life treating you these days?

FUZZYWIG: Chip, can I ask you something?

CHIP: If you want to borrow five bucks again, you’re gonna have to pay back the $6,900 you already owe me first.

FUZZYWIG: Nah, I’m good this week.  But tell me…. do you see anything….. odd around here?

CHIP: Can’t say that I do.

FUZZYWIG: You don’t see a big purple dragon sitting in my living room eating all my crackers?

CHIP: I do see that, but I don’t find that particularly odd.  Before I came to the Shelf, I would have definitely found the sight of a cracker eating dragon to be strange…. but here?  That’s the status quo.  Well, I’ll be seein’ ya, Fuzzy.

Chip exits…

FUZZYWIG: I sure hope you’re potty trained, because I don’t scoop my dog’s poop and I sure as hell ain’t picking up dragon turds…

TINA: OMG!!!  It’s Barney!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Where?  I don’t want that bastard in my Fruity Pebbles again…

TINA: It’s Barney the Dinosaur!  I used to watch him all the time when I was in preschool!

PASS: I get that a lot, but that’s OK, I like to cheer kids up.  Want me to sing my “I Love You” song?

TINA: NOOOO!!!  I fucking HATED your show!!!  You suck, and I’ve wanted to kick you in the balls for a long time!!!

Tina digs in her hooves and begins charging at “Barney,” but is stopped by a call from the door…

SNUGGLE: Yo, princess!!!  C’mon, we’re gonna be late for our date!

TINA: Oh?  Where are you taking me in your windowless van this time, Unca Snuggie?

SNUGGLE: To the Teletubbies On Ice show, of course!

TINA: YAY!!!!  I hope Tinky Winky falls on his ass again and breaks his tailbone!!!

Tina runs out the door with her designated prevert for the night, sparing the dragon’s nads…

PASS: I haven’t had a close call like that since the day Sir Mix A Lot tripped on that can of Spam while invading my lair and skewered himself on his own sword…

BUSTER: Hiya, everyone!  Hey, who’s your new friend here, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, just a big purple winged dragon who followed me home.  Nothing special.

BUSTER: Say, he’s quite a specimen there!  Nice to meet you, Mr. Dragon!

PASS: (Talking through a mouthful of crackers) The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Possum!

Pass puts one of his stubby arms to his green underbelly…

PASS: Urgh.  I think I need to……

BELCH!!!!

PASS: Oh, excuse me!

FUZZYWIG: No worries there, dude.  That’s another square Buster can cover on his bingo card of death…

“Hail To The Chief” begins to play on Scratchy’s offstage turntable…

FUZZYWIG: Oh boy, a dragon and a President in one day.  My living room must be more special than a short bus.  Care for some humble pie?

UNCLE SAM: This isn’t a social call, son.  I’ve been tracking an illegal alien that somehow infiltrated my beloved Shelf, and…

SAM: AHA!!  There you are!  How in the hell did you get through my brand new wall I just built around our border?

PASS: (Flaps his wings) Gee, Mr. President, I have no idea.

SAM: I guess we’re just gonna have to shut everything down until I can get the funding to make it even higher then!  You’re coming with me now to the deportation station!  Troll!!!  Haul this foreign scumbag to the holding cell!!!

TROLL: (Grunting and groaning) I….. errr….. I can’t move him, sir!

SAM: Why in the hell not!?!?

TROLL: Because I think he weighs a few tons or so.  I’ll go commandeer a crane from a construction site…

SAM: (Checking phone) Nevermind that now, I’m late for an important diplomatic meeting down at the massage parlor.  Let’s go, chauffeur!  (Pointing to Pass) I’ll be back for you later, you deadbeat dreamer!!!

FUZZYWIG: (Watching Sam and Troll leave out the door) Mama said there’d be days like this.  She also told me not to come to that party, then I found her passed out on the floor…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DAFUQ!? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Took the word right out of my mouth.  And where did our scaly companion go?

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!  You are so KYOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!

PASS: Oh dear, and here I thought unicorns were just mythical creatures!

MITZI: Like, the only thing not real on Mitzi is her boobies!!!  Wanna touch?

FUZZYWIG: I’d take a video of this and put it on YouTube, but I’ll bet there’s already thousands of uploads of a dragon and unicorn mating on there.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! TRIPLE X THROWDOWN! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: So…. what did you think of Mitzi the Dragon Layer?

PASS: With her “appetite,” I’m not sure how her race went extinct….

FUZZYWIG: Probably just missed an ark somewhere along the line…

SHADOW: Greetings, critters!

FUZZYWIG: I knew I shouldn’t have bought this crib when I found out it was built on an old nuclear waste dump…

SHADOW: I popped in because I’ve heard vicious rumors that there is another creature on this Shelf that claims to be magical…

PASS: I guess that would be me.

SHADOW: A dragon!?!?  Please.  I could out-magic an oversized lizard like you with both ears tied behind my back.  Watch me pull Jimmy Hoffa’s body out of this hat…

PASS: Meh.  Can you do this?

SHADOW: Did you just……… lay an egg!?!?

PASS: Yes, we dragons are kinda known for that.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THE INCREDIBLE EDIBLE EGG! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I think you just got one-upped there, Pikachu.  And apparently Mitzi has some equipment she’s been hiding from us all this time…

SHADOW: Hmph!  I’m not going to stand here and be humiliated by a male with ovaries!  Goodbye, fools!

Shadow the sore loser disappears in a puff of smoke…

Moving right along…

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, Wang.  But you can’t have any of my crackers.

HUNG LO: Hung Lo was summoned here to pick up dog for sale.

Fleabag leaps behind the chair…

FUZZYWIG: Oh yeah, that’s right.  I got the mutt… um….. somewhere around here.  I hope I’m getting top dollar for these canine carryouts…

HUNG LO: Hung Lo always pay top…… oh my!

HUNG LO: Hung Lo hasn’t had authentic dragon meat on buffet since Boxer Rebellion!  Forget dog!  How much for dragon!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Ehhhh, I don’t know if the dragon’s for sale…

HUNG LO: Will pay $10,000 for dragon!

FUZZYWIG: SOLD!!!  C’mon, Puff.  Come meet your new butch…. er, master.

PASS: Sorry, this dragon is not for sale.

FUZZYWIG: I really need that jack, dude…

PASS: But, this dragon also doesn’t want to become a daddy, so….

Pass slides the egg he just laid over to Hung Lo.

HUNG LO: Hmmmmm.  Will make dragon omelette with this.  (Puts a dime on Fuzzywig’s coffee table)  be back for dog next Tuesday…

PASS: This is why we dragons like to stay hidden from humans who only see us as an exotic commodity.

FUZZYWIG: I guess it’s a good thing I’m all fat and no meat.

PASS: We’re not just hunted for food.  Dragons are murdered for their valuable scales, our magical teeth, our wings are used as spare parts for jets.  And have you noticed how many products these days are made from dragon’s blood?  Where do you think that all comes from?

FUZZYWIG: Blood, did you say?

ZEEBA: Time to make a smelly fragrance out of your life essence!!!!  Dragon’sBlood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!

ZEEBA: (Hauling off with fifty pints of Pass’s blood) I’m gonna be fucking rich!!!

PASS: This is the worst head wound I’ve had since St. George cracked my skull with his shield.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any aspirin handy, would you?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, I don’t think so.  But I do plenty of pain relief medication on hand….

PASS: (Inhaling) Well, so much for all those decades of rehab.

FUZZYWIG: Eh, just sit back with John Lennon and Imagine, dragon…

FLEABAG: (Sniffing the good stuff) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

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