Stairway To Hell

Posted on May 22, 2019 by

a box full of junk

The Nest likes to put the hump in your Wednesday, and what better way to do that than with anther journey down that blind alley we like to call Random Image Inspiration!  We’re going to fire up the Rivernator Randomator and see what purty picture falls into our lap this week…

30, 78, 66, 34

The 30th 31st 32nd 33rd 34th post in my Reader this morning was this amazingly cute squirrel post by the Photo Finland blog!

I’ve had to fudge the first number a bit in the past to avoid “hijacking” serious posts for this game I play, by geez louise, the Randomator walked right into a four-deep pile of morbidity this time.  Yoinks…

The 78th word in that post (wrapping around) is “yard”

The 66th word in that post is “I”

Putting “yard I” into Google Images brought this up as the 34th result…

Bob winced as he saw the light through the front door from the bottom of the steps.  He knew there was an angry wife behind that door waiting for him to finally come home from work six hours late without so much as an explanation…

“I shoulda called,” Bob thought as he bounced up the first step, “but what was I gonna say?  ‘Honey, I’ve got to work late again!  You know, the Fuzzywig account has got the whole company burning the midnight oil!’  But no… that one’s gotten really old.  Besides, she knows my boss’ wife, and that busybody tells my wife everything that goes on at work.”

Nope, that old yarn wouldn’t cut it, Bob thought, as he clunked up the second and third step.

“I just wanted to go out and have a good time with the guys!  What’s so wrong about that?”

“So we drank a little… (hic!)…. bit.  Big deal!  I only had a few beers.  It’s not like I’m drunk!”  It was at this moment that Bob realized he was now going over the rocks the landscaper had lined the front steps with.  “OK, maybe I’m a little tipsy” Bob thought as he veered back to the fourth step.  “But I can hold my liquor… Sue will never suspect I was at the bar.”

Bob glanced down at his shoulder and saw a few flakes of sparkly glitter, which caused him to miss the fifth and sixth steps entirely.

“OK, so it was a titty bar.”

Bob made every effort to stay out of the rocks and back onto the straight and narrow path towards what appeared to be his doom.

“I need to think of an explanation for where I was…. fast,” Bob muttered with a determined face as he approached the seventh step.

“Dammit, I’m stuck in a huge mess!” Bob grumbled as the eighth step loomed.  “But……..”

“That’s it!!!” Bob squealed as his face lit up with relief.  “I was stuck in the elevator at work all evening!”

“Hey, it happens!  It would explain why I look a little disheveled, trapped in a small space like that for hours…. and I could say there was no cellphone signal in there, so…..”

Bob clapped his hands together and felt quite confident he had come up with the perfect excuse to hide his bad behavior as he cleared the ninth step.

“She’ll never suspect a thing!” Bob said through a wide grin as he topped the tenth step and made it onto the front porch.  “Just gotta lose the smile and act natural…”

“Honey, I’m home!” Bob said as he went through the front door.  “You’ll never guess what happened to me today!”

“I know exactly what happened to you today!  You went out and got shitfaced drunk with those friends of yours!” Sue sneered at him, the curlers in her hair giving Bob’s wife the appearance of Medusa.

Bob opened his mouth to protest…

“Don’t deny it, you louse!” Sue shouted as she pulled a rolling pin out from under he bathrobe.

Bob slumped his shoulders…. defeated.  “But… how do you know I was out drinking, dear?”

“Because you’re still in the fucking car, you idiot!!!!”

Bob undid his seatbelt and surveyed the living room through the window…

“Maybe I had more than a few beers…..”

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Share Your World – Week 20

Posted on May 21, 2019 by

School’s already out here…. WTF!?!? And when does year round schooling start?

It’s that day when there’s no such thing as TMI!  Yes, Tuesday is when The Nest shares it’s sick and delusional world with those who are unfortunate enough to stumble across my blog.  We do that with the help of Melanie’s weekly SYW questions she posts, which makes her an accessory after the fact to this heinous crime I’m about to perpetrate.  Pick a logo, any logo…

This one. ‘Cause, America!

Is it better to suspect something (bad or hurtful) and not know or to have your worst fears confirmed by sure knowledge?

This question makes my head hurt….. or maybe it’s just the lack of sleep.

Or those Zimas I had last ni…. no, wait, I don’t drink! Really, I don’t!

Hmmmmm, I think rumors/gossip are/is best when unconfirmed.  Isn’t it more fun to think something awful about someone without actually knowing for yourself whether it’s true or not?  Isn’t it a bit of a letdown when you find out you were definitely correct?  I mean, some of you probably suspect I may be a psycho killer.  But if a story about a deranged squirrel who hid the bodies of fifteen of his former followers under his crawlspace ever appeared on the news, you’d probably just say, “Meh” and change the channel over to reruns of Carol Burnett…

RIP Tim Conway.

What makes you laugh aloud?   Crack up?   Laugh until your sides split?   When was the last time you had a great big belly laugh?

Speak of the devil…

It’s hard to say.  I’m so easily amused, and the stupidest things can send me into a laughing fit.  Then something that’s actually supposed to be funny will turn me into a statue of Calvin Coolidge.

Some of the things that can put my funny bone in a splint…

Spread out!

Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh!!!

Hated it!

And of course…

What’s so funny?

Do you suppose Noah had woodpeckers in the ark?  If he did, where did he keep them?   Apologies to the Darwinians in the crowd…this is merely for fun, okay?

Merely for fun?  OK, I think I can handle that….

CHIP: This is Chip Squirrel live on the scene with Noah…… er, wait a minute.  Are you really Noah?

FUZZYWIG: In my state of stonedness, I could be anyone in the world right now, dude!

CHIP: Whatever, it’s not like The Nest has any journalistic standards.  OK, Noah, we’d like to know if you had any woodpeckers on the ark, and if you did, where did you put them?

FUZZYWIG: In my pants, of course!

CHIP: That’s absurd!  Nobody would put woodpeckers in their pants!  While I’ve got you here… something I’ve always wanted to know… why did you not bring any unicorns onto the ark?

FUZZYWIG: The Boss wanted them drowned.  The Big Guy’s a bit jealous of things that are more popular than He is.  He hated John Lennon.

CHIP: That’s an awful reason not to allow any unicorns onto the ark!

FUZZYWIG: Well….. there was one.  You see, my dock security for the ark was pretty bad, and….

TROLL: Alright, squirrels… check!  Foxes… check!  Cockroaches…. check!  Head lice….. um…. (Runs his hand through his hair) check!!!  This should be all the critters!  Time to pull up the gangplank!

Yoooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: Like, Can Mitzi go on a cwuise too?

TROLL: Gak!  Sorry, but no unicorns are allowed on board without the expressed written permission of a major deity!  I’m afraid you’ll have to turn arou….

MITZI: YAYAYAYAY!!!!  Mitzi’s gonna, like, get boat rides!!!  Like, where’s Captain Stubing?

TROLL: Aw, shit!  I’m gonna get totally fired for this!  Or maybe sent to Heck!  Fuck it, time to set sail!

BUSTER: I hope I’m not late…

TROLL: Beat it possum!  The world will be a lot better off without you to get run over by automobiles in 5,000 years!

CHIP: So wait a minute… there was a unicorn aboard the ark?  But only ONE?  I guess that’s why unicorns went extinct…

FUZZYWIG: Are you kidding?  That boat was rockin’ for 40 days and 40 nights, and…… well…..

CHIP: Oh my.  That explains all those freaks of nature….

FUZZYWIG: So if the critter upstairs ever decides to send a giant asteroid down this way… blame that unicorn.  It’s bad enough she gave me gonorrhea…

Why is “Charlie” short for “Charles when they are the same number of letters?

After going out of my way to explain why we have a fascination with unicorn horns, I’m going to use that as an excuse to pass on this silly question…

What  happened in your world this past week that made you feel thankful, joyful or grateful?

While walking around the hospital block last Wednesday while my Mom had a doctor appointment, a guy in a pickup truck leaned out his window and called me a “fucking bitch” for absolutely no reason as he turned around the corner.  I am very thankful to live in a loser redneck town where wonderfully pleasant interactions with strangers like that can happen out of the blue!

And just what’s wrong with being a fucking bitch?

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Disco Dancing

Posted on May 20, 2019 by

Go ahead and tell these skunks that disco sucks…. I dare you.

Feeling a bit lethargic and unenergized as we kick off another week?  Well, it’s Monday, so The Nest has just what you need to put some sparkle back into your groove!  That’s the day we dive deep into closet underneath all of those polyester leisure suits and pull out another well worn dance tune from that disco ball of awesomeness we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s got her hot pants and roller skates on for this week’s track, while the Sponkies just watch all the pretty lights float around on walls.  Here’s a record that made it out of Comiskey Park undemolished…

I noticed more than my fair share of anti-disco sentiments recently… and it made me realize it’s been a while since I spun a classic late 70’s dance song on the DVA.  It’s time to change that with a song that’s literally been sitting near the top of the list of songs I planned to feature here since I started this feature three years ago.  Ladies and gentlemen…. Mr. Peter Brown!

Disco king by night, French artiste by day.

Peter Brown did a lot of the music that filled the clubs of the disco and post-disco era… and he even managed to score a Top 10 hit.  Not that a lot of people know him today from Peter Wolf… but The Nest remembers his most famous contribution to the dancefloor.  Here is the 1978 #8 song “Dance With Me”…

Yeah, go ahead and tell me that disco music isn’t the greatest thing ever after listening to that five minutes of Monday Night Fever!

Disco fucking sucks, you lousy squirrel!!!

Regardless of what you may actually think about my selection for this week… here’s a fun fact about Peter Brown.  Along with his songwriting partner Robert Rans, he wrote Madonna’s 80’s anthem “Material Girl!”

Looks like Madonna had the disco ball made into jewelry…

I’ll be back next Monday with another song that’s got a great beat and you can dance to…

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Fake Flowers

Posted on May 18, 2019 by

At least the squirrel is real.

I have been working in retail for 21 years now, and have seen quite a few products blossom from an unpopular, weird niche item into customer must-haves that there are now entire sections of the counter dedicated to.  Puppy pads.  Scented candles.  Portable insulated tumblers.  Duct tape.

Outdoor solar lights would be another such out of nowhere consumer phenomenon with literally billions and billions of these cheap plastic stakes sold each year.  Unless you planned on reading a book at night while lying on your frontyard walkway, the lighting itself isn’t much more than decorative.  But you can buy these solar lights with all kinds of pretty decorations attached to them… like the flower themed ones in my neighbor’s yard.

Hey, put that Roundup away! This isn’t a dandelion!

If only squirrels were nocturnal (they aren’t… my most popular post of all time!), perhaps I could get some pictures of them in the soft glow of the stored solar energy in these popular yard decorations.  Oh well, I hope this week’s Saturday Squirrel has helped you to see the light… even if it isn’t very bright.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Posted in Saturday Squirrel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Mail Call

Posted on May 17, 2019 by

CHIP: Fuzzy, what are you doing down here in The Nest’s mailroom?  Are you on one of your stoner walkabouts again?

FUZZYWIG: The boss wanted me to man the mailroom for a few days since the regular critter got reassigned.  It pays $4.20 an hour!

CHIP: That’s less than minimum wage!

FUZZYWIG: Plus I can “confiscate” any deliveries addressed to Mary Jane, if you know what I mean…

CHIP: Ah, so you’re only in it for the fringe benefits.  So…. um, where’s the mail?

Incoming!!!

FUZZYWIG: Ask and you shall receive.

CHIP: Who dumped all of this mail on us!?!?

SANTA: Now you know how I feel every December, putz!

CHIP: Santa as a postal carrier!?!?

SANTA: Hey, I gotta deliver something in the offseason!  Especially since that tightwad squirrel slashed the amount of PTO I get so I can’t spend ten months lying on the Costa Rican beach in my elfkini anymore!

FUZZYWIG: It’s gonna take a whole pawful of joints to get that image out of my mind…

SANTA: Well, Happy Postmas to all… and don’t forget there’s no delivery on Memorial Day!  It’s about fucking time I get some holidays off…

CHIP: Well, there sure is a lot of mail here to sort through.  Want me to lend a hand?

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, whatever.  Just don’t bogart the envelope glue…

CHIP: This has got to be a scam!  It’s from a Doctor Dick Boner, and addressed to Mr. Snuggle Z. Bear or current occupant…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq, dude!?!?  Get outta my personal and private mail!  They told me this would come in a confidential and discreet package when I responded to their email!

FUZZYWIG: There’s nothing confidential and discreet about ¢iali$, dude.

CHIP: I find it hard to believe someone as preverted as you has erectile dysf…

SNUGGLE: SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  Dude, I’m pretty sure there are Hippo laws being violated here!  It’s kinda hard for me to get it up sometimes when every time I turn around there’s that creep….

Snuggle quickly checks his backdoor to make sure the coast is clear…

SNUGGLE: (Turns back around) That creepy Scrat always sneaking up trying to put his hot dog in my buns!  So yeah, I need a little help erecting my skyscraper sometimes (picks up his discreet delivery for his discreet package) now if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare for my big date tonight with this chick I found online called Nighthawk!

Snuggle Bear exits the mailroom, unknowingly tailed by his closest admirer…

FUZZYWIG: I think Uncle Snuggie’s gonna find King Kong on his skyscraper tonight…

CHIP: Mooooooooooving right along…

CHIP: I don’t understand how junk mail works!  There’s still mail coming here for Bashful, and he’s been gone three years!

FUZZYWIG: Check this one out… it’s addressed to my stupid mutt!

CHIP: That’s not uncommon for pets to end up on mailing lists.

FUZZYWIG: It’s a summons for jury duty!  Yo, Fleabag!  You just got served!  And not on Hung Lo’s buffet this time…

Fleabag storms in to destroy the legal notice…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HELL NO!  I WON’T GO! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHIP: Do you think they’ll arrest him for failing to appear?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, I wish.  He’d make a good juror too.  He’d even send his loyal master up the river on a trumped up charge.

CHIP: In all fairness, Fuzzywig, you have tried to sell your dog to be butchered numerous times.

FUZZYWIG: And is that a crime?  Of course not.

CHIP: Hey, what’s up with this envelope?  It’s all wet!

FUZZYWIG: Someone likes licking envelope glue a bit too much…

CHIP: It looks like it’s addressed to….. is that…?

RAINY: Is that for me?  I’ve been waiting for my delivery of rain from the rain forest to show up for weeks!

FUZZYWIG: Rain forest?  Let me guess, from Amazon?

CHIP: I don’t know how to break this to you, Rainy, but it looks like something happened in transit and all of the rain leaked out!

RAINY: What!?!? (Rainy takes a closer look at the soaked envelope)

RAINY: Please accept their apologies for destroying my package of RAIN!?!?!?!?

RAINY: This is NOT acceptable!!!  I am going down to the post office to give them a piece of my mind!!!

Rainy storms off fuming mad…

CHIP: And no doubt a healthy dose from her other end too…

FUZZYWIG: First it’s post office shootings, and now post office sprayings.  At least they might put her picture up on the wall down there after it’s over…

CHIP: There sure seems to be a lot of mail here addressed to Buster.  Surely he can’t have a bigger fan club than I do…

BUSTER: Oh, those are just all my death certificates coming in for my demises in recent episodes!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll bet they make a nice collector’s item.

BUSTER: (Picks up an envelope) Yes, I think this one is from when I got burned alive by that nice dragon!  I think I’ll frame this one over the toilet…

CHIP: There are no words for this kind of lunacy.

FUZZYWIG: Looks like the undertaker better get to work printing up Buster’s next Game Over certificate.

YAY!!!!  It came!!!!

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Is it from him?

CHILD 2: It IS from him!

CHILD 3: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

FUZZYWIG: What’s got you little bastards all excited?

CHILD 4: It’s a letter from our pen pal!

LITTLEST: In Bumfuckistan!!!

CHIP: You kids have a pen pal…. where???

CHILD 1: We asked him to send us some real, live ANTHRAX!

The kids pick up the letter and take it home with them…

CHILD 2: This stuff is so awesome!

CHILD 3: We should bring it to Show and Tell!

CHILD 4: I’ll bet anthrax will kill cooties!

LITTLEST: Wait for me, guys, or I’m telling Mommy!!!

FUZZYWIG: Ah, another medical mystery explained.

CHIP: Uhhhhhh, so what do we do with him?

STAMP!

SCRATCHY: No such possum!  No such zone!

Scratchy hauls off the possum carcass to be deposited in the nearest mailbox.

FUZZYWIG: Thankyou, thankyou verruh much!

SANTA: Forgot something!

SANTA: This box was hiding down in the bottom of my sack.

CHIP: How can you lose something this big!?!?

SANTA: Hey, it happens in government work all the time, moron!  (Checks watch) Time for my fifteen minute eggnog break!

FUZZYWIG: I hope it’s brownies.  The munchies are really kicking in after all this hard work I’m doing…

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Steve Martin wasn’t this excited when the phone book came.

CHIP: This box is for you, Mitzi?

MITZI: Yeppers!!!  Like, I totally had to get me a new toy, and….

CHIP:  TOY!?!?  Mitzi, this box is as big as you are!

FUZZYWIG: You know how cat toys always get lost under the couch?  Sex toys always get lost under Mitzi’s…

MITZI: Lulz!  Silly boyz!  It’s not THAT kinda toy!  (Rips open the box) Like, check this out!!!

FUZZYWIG: I hope they poked some holes in the box.

CHIP: Wait a minute!?!?  Someone sent you a live unicorn through the mail!?!?

MITZI: You can buy, like, anything online now!  So Mitzi bought herself a new boy toy from StudHub!  It’s time for Mitzi to get horseyback rides!!!

SPARKLEPONY: What’s going on here!?!?

MITZI: Like, who are you?

RAINBOW DONKEY: I think that’s my wife, but it’s gonna take my eyes awhile to adjust back to the light and recognize her haggard face.

SPARKLEPONY: Rainbow Donkey!!!  I send you down to the post office to get me some Mr. Ed stamps, and instead you mailed yourself to some hussy!!!  What do you have to say for yourself?

RD: Well, dear…

MITZI: We can, like, totally have a Mirage a Trois!

SPARKLEPONY: (Headbutting her husband in a box back towards home) You’re gonna be sleeping in the pigsty for months after this little stunt, mister!

RD: Sorry dear.  You’ll have to call customer service for a full refund.

MITZI: Like, you can’t steal my mail!  That’s totally a crime!  You’ll be prostituted to the fullest extend of the law!!!

CHIP: This is absolutely insane.

FUZZYWIG: I know.  Don’t you just love Shelf Critter Theatre?

MITZI: Well, poopsies!  I guess I’ll just, like, totally take all my fan mail and have someone read it to me!

CHIP: Wait a minute!  All of those letters are for you!?!?

MITZI: Totally!!!  Mitzi, like, has fans all over the whole big wide world of sports!  Mitzi gets luv from Canadada, Doucheland, Findland, and even South Dakota!

FUZZYWIG: Any green pieces of paper in those envelopes?

MITZI: Like, toodles!

CHIP: Well, I guess that took care of all of the mail.

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, now I can just sit around and get paid for it like every other worker.

TROLL: Hey, what happened to all of the mail?

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, Phil Spector.  No coupons from SuperCuts came today.

TROLL: Dude, I never get any mail!  But I need to sort it before the boss finds out…

CHIP: Uhhhhh, I think you got caught up in a corporate reorganization…

TROLL: Dafuq!?!?  When I see that jerkwad squirrel, I’m gonna….

TROLL: Oh, shit!

EVIL SQUIRREL: Go on, Troll.  Finish the threat you were making while I fill out your termination papers.

TROLL: Sir, I didn’t mean….. well, I was just reporting to the mailroom to perform my duties like I usually do at this time, and…

ES: And you didn’t know I replaced you with Fuzzywig.  Because the last time you worked the mailroom, you forgot to wash your hands after cleaning out all the toilets and the entire fucking Shelf Critter staff got the possum trots because of your germs on their mail!!!!

CHIP: Is that why I had to get that Pepto Bismol IV last week?

ES: Get out of here!!!  Your job duties have been reduced to janitorial services and bootlicking until further notice!

TROLL: Yes sir, sorry sir, I’ll try better sir….

ES: Well, now that the incompetence has been taken care of around here… I’ll just pick up my mail and go back to the offi…

FUZZYWIG: Errrrrr….

CHIP: There’s no mail left to be sorted.  Nothing came for you today, sir.

ES: What!?!?  Where are all the letters from my adoring fans of SCT!?!?  Are they still in Bangkok with the luggage from my last flight?

SANTA: Late delivery!

ES: Yes, here we go!  These fan letters are all addressed to me!

SANTA: Bullshit!  This is all the hate mail that had to be screened for language, threats of bodily harm and makeshift bombs!

FUZZYWIG: Awwww, our public loves us!

ES: Hate mail!?!?  Why would people send me hate mail?

CHIP: I would guess some people think your Shelf Critter Theatre episodes are too offensive and fucked up, sir.  Kinda like I do…

FUZZYWIG: Uh oh!  The Professional Union of Special Snowflakes Yo is calling for a boycott by your sponsors, chief.  I’ll still get paid, right?

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