Mr. Jones

Please refrain from throwing objects at your computer screen while reading this post.

Now that the flowers have wilted and the chocolates have stained your teeth, are you ready to get back into the grind of another fun and exciting week?  Well, The Nest can help you get through Monday at least, since that’s the day we stroll down the record store clearance aisle and find another one of yesterday’s fads straight out of that heart shaped box of moldy nuggets we like to call The Dusty Vinyl Archive!  It’s not unusual for DJ Scratchy to be decked out in something totally inappropriate while she’s playing her records… she’s no lady, after all.  While the Sponkies have their pushbrooms out to take care of any lacy debris that ends up on the stage.  Here’s what’s old, pussycat…

For those of us in the US who are of my generation, we probably heard of this musician named Tom Jones from our mothers and grandmothers as they gleefully told the tales of how they screamed and cheered at the sexual god’s concerts all while throwing their unmentionables up on the stage at him.  I guess that’s not a bad thing to be known for… although I imagine it could get a little dangerous as your target audience gets a little older…

Aw, it looks like Nana’s on her way to the Tom Jones concert!

Despite his popularity, Tom Jones hasn’t had a Top 40 hit in America since 1971… but his career sure in the hell didn’t end there.  The dude has been going on almost nonstop releasing new material from when he first hit the scene in 1965 right on up through his 72nd birthday in 2012!  And you don’t stay in the music business for almost fifty years by being a one trick pony.  Mr. Woodward had a rather successful career as a country artist in the 80’s, and moved on to dance music and collaborations with other artists in his later career.  I already featured Tom’s excellent 1988 rendition of the Prince hit “Kiss” as the #5 song in my Cover Songs Countdown in 2015.  And I guarantee you nobody was throwing panties onstage at Prince while he was whining out his wretched take on the song…

Unless they were aiming for his annoying piehole.

Which brings us to… 1994.  I was wrapping up my freshman year in college that Spring when a rather interesting song with a very familiar voice was getting a LOT of play on the college radio station.  Was that Tom Jones…… rapping?  Yes, Grandmaster Woodward was in the fucking house letting it loose with “If I Only Knew.”  After the prior tragedies of Vanilla Ice and “Marky” Mark Wahlberg… white rappers were forever redeemed.

I fucking love this song.  The video, which was actually a part of MTV’s “Buzz Clips” alternative music feature during the early Beavis and Butthead era, is also pretty cool.  The young man featured in it is practically a grunge era stereotype who is a perfect time capsule of that weird era in fashion.  And you’ll especially enjoy it if you love dogs, and who doesn’t…?

Who are you calling a bitch, bitch?

I’ve referenced this song a few times in the past on The Nest, but finally got around to giving “If I Only Knew” it’s proper DVA showcase.  I’ll put another long lost song in DJ Scratchy’s spotlight next Monday…

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Winter Fluff

I could still use a nice, cozy mink or a stole…

A fluffy winter snow squirrel for this week’s Saturday Squirrel… because there isn’t much cuter than fluffy winter snow squirrels.

Brrrrrr!!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

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An Oscar Worthy Performance

VAL: Oh boy… February 15th, and once again I’m still sitting on this damn dusty shelf because no man’s got balls enough to buy their ho a pretty little unicorn like me.  Well, fuck them!  Fuck every one of them.  I’ll just hang out here and watch all the shoppers stroll down the aisle in their PJ’s…

SNUGGLE: Heeeeeeyyyy, $4.98!  And 50% off for after VD Day!  Half of $4.98, that’s…. ummmm… (the smell of burning brain cells fills the stage) about a dollar fifty!  Cool!  I’mma buy this!

VAL: The hell you are, Creepy Bear!

SNUGGLE: Aw, shit!  This must be one of those talking monstrosities that’s going to keep singing bad Justin Bieber songs every time someone walks in front of her sensor!  Eh, I’ll still buy it and rip out the batteries!  My babe loves unicorns!

VAL: Of course she loves unicorns since your babe is an eight year old piece of jailbait.  Why don’t you have a seat over there, Perv.

SNUGGLE: Dafuq’s your problem, bitch?  Does the phrase “Don’t judge me” mean anything to you?

VAL: Attention Mecca Shoppers!  Pedophile in Aisle 13!  Hide the children!

SNUGGLE: Shit, I better get out of here before I end up sharing a shower stall with Big Scrat again!  You’re not just a bitch, you’re a snitch bitch!!!

VAL: Finally.  Alone again to sit here and laugh at the fat asses rolling by on their scooters…

SPONKIE 2: Ooooh!  Mommy!  Can we buy this?

SPONKIE 1: No fair!  If Sis gets a unicorn, I should get a Transformer!

SPARKLEPONY: I’ve just given you both your own allowance.  Mother’s Day is right around the corner, you know…

VAL: Oh Jesus, help me.  Mother’s Day unicorns.  Don’t make me vomit glitter all over the place.

SPARKLEPONY: Do you have a problem with being a token of appreciation for all the backbreaking work a mother does?

VAL: Yeah, I do actually.  I guess your mother did more than just smoke crack while she was banging the Roto Rooter like mine did.  If any snotty kid brought me home to their doting mama so I could sit on her work desk next to the photo of her fucked up family and look like a unitard, I’d gouge their eyes out with my horn and hop away in my cup like hell!

SPARKLEPONY: (Covering the Sponkies’ ears) Looks like someone has some serious issues!

VAL: You try spending your life crammed into a tiny little cup and see how sunshiny you view the fucking world!

SPARKLEPONY:  Let’s get out of here, children!

VAL: Yeah, go back to your neat and tidy stable with your little brats now so you can catch the old man getting a hornjob by someone who’ll actually put out for more than breeding services…

VAL: Gee, I can’t understand why I’m not a more popular gift.  Who wouldn’t want a cute little unicorn to point out all of the faults in their life…

VAL: Great, I smell pot.  I’m having flashbacks to my stint in the Brownies.

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say brownies?  I’ve had a bad case of the munchies ever since about 4:20.

VAL: Security!  Reefer addict in the pain management aisle!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! CAN I HUMP IT? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

VAL: Dude, you better get back.  I’m warning you… I’m NOT good around pets.  Especially vicious little annoying runts like you!

FUZZYWIG: Awwwww, he likes you.  You can have him.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

VAL: Alright, that’s enough….

Both Fleabag and Fuzzywig tumble backwards at the rousing woof from the problem unicorn.

FUZZYWIG: This unicorn is seriously cramping my mellow.  Come on, mutt, let’s go to the deli case and visit your father…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU SLICED MY PA! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

VAL: Sigh, these are the days I wish someone hadn’t jammed my ass in a cup to be sold off like some cheap knickknack.  The free range unicorns have it made…

Yooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!  You are so kyoooooooooooooot!!!!

VAL: What are you, like five!?!?  Get that nasty muzzle out of my face.  I’m sure it’s been places I don’t want to think about.

MITZI: Grrl!!!  Mitzi just wants to, like, totally wuv on you!  We could be, like twinsies!!!

VAL: No, we couldn’t.  I have more brains in the tip of my horn than you have on that entire silicone body of yours.  You, alone, have just put our species somewhere under toenail fungus on the list of most intelligent organisms.

MITZI: Like, what?  Mitzi’s orgasms are totally intelligent!

VAL: Would you get lost already you airheaded slut?  Why don’t you hit up the restroom and see if the employees have put in a gloryhole yet…

MITZI: Okie dokies!  Like, buh bye!!!

VAL: And I wonder why critters try to reach inside this cup and grab my ass when they walk by.  The reputation that bimbo has given us magical creatures…

Speaking of magical creatures….

SHADOW: Greetings, critter in a cup!

VAL: Adios, scene stealing asshole!

SHADOW: I am not an asshole.  I am an Umbreon… and I have an important announcement for everyone out there watching this!

VAL: You’re finally coming out of the closet?  I’ll bet the only pussy you’ve sniffed is a cat’s ass…

SHADOW: There are now less than two weeks left to get your entry in for the Contest of Whatever!  Please hurry and…

VAL: What is this, a damned commercial?  No soliciting on this blog, jackoff!  Get lost before I rip your Pokeballs off and jam them in those giant ears!

SHADOW: You can’t intimidate me, defective Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m going to take every opportunity I can get to plug the contest so everyone is dutifully reminded to work on their submissions!

VAL: Yeah, we’ll just see about that…

SHADOW: My sign!  What happened to it!?!?

VAL: Never fuck with a unicorn, rabbit ears!  Now are you going to vamoose in the next five seconds, or am I going to have to magic you to death as well?

SHADOW: Very well, evil creature.  I’ll just…

VAL: Four……. three……. two…..

SHADOW: (Sweating) Alright already!

Shadow vanishes and leaves Val alone on stage again…

VAL: Is there a full moon out there, or is this Shelf just full of whack jobs?  I swear….

SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Auntie Val!  Auntie Val!!!

VAL: Oh….. this is NOT going to end well, I’m afraid.

CHILD 1: Auntie Val, we’re BORED!!!

VAL: Who gives a shit?

CHILD 2: Can you tell us a story?

VAL: No

CHILD 3: Preferably one with lotsa pictures?

VAL: (Gives the children the double “bird”) Can you see this?

CHILD 4: Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!

VAL: One more whiny outburst from you little hellions, and I swear I’ll come out of this cup and stomp all five of you into the ground!

LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy if you do!!!

VAL: (Leaping from the cup) Well, tell her you little prick!!!!  And you better make it fast before I eye laser your scrawny little ass into a smoldering pile of burnt rugrat!!!

The scared squirrel children all run for home like their tails were on fire…. which they might have been given how close Val came to crispifying them….

VAL: Can this day get anymore fucking annoying?

RAINY: Yes, it can.  I’ve been listening to your fresh mouth the entire time from offstage, and I don’t like it one bit.

VAL: Oh, well I’m SOOOOO fucking sorry, Miss Busybody.  Since you must be a bitch of great importance, I guess I’ll just shut up and ignore all the morons wandering around here.  On second thought…. you’re not my goddamn boss!  Go sit on your precious little rain gauge!

RAINY: You are messing with the WRONG critter, you monohorned misanthrope!  I’ve taught critters a lot more intimidating than you a hard lesson about messing with a skunk.  I think it’s time you get a good whiff of my magical aroma!

VAL: Oooooh, I’m so scared.

RAINY: You better be, because….

VAL: Ahhhhhh, I’ve been holding that in all day.

RAINY: (Cough, hack!) This is wrong!!!  You can’t spray a skunk!!!  (Cough, hack, gag!) This is so nasty!!!  And since when do unicorns…

VAL: A unicorn’s shit doesn’t stink…. but our farts!  I once took down an entire army of minotaurs with just a can of beans!

Rainy stomps off stage…. but not before puking her guts out over the edge due to the ripe essence of the foul unicorn.

VAL: I think I’ve dealt with about enough shit from the assholes of this Shelf today.  So help me, Dog, I swear….. if just ONE MORE critter comes up and bothers me today, I’m taking the horn off STUN and just fucking killing the bastard!

BUSTER: Well hello there, Miss!  It’s a beautiful day we’re having, isn’t it?

VAL: (Charging up her horn laser) Good night, everybody!!!

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Secret Ingredients

It’s time to dig around in the world’s largest tampon box full of photos to fish out the next piccy that will help write another prize winning post at The Nest.  This is the Wednesday game we like to call Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see which numbers random.org pulled for us today…

16, 97, 100, 14

The 16th post in my Reader was this one by Erin.

The 97th word in that post is “really”

The 100th word in that post is “in”

Typing “really in” into Google Images yielded a photo of our (cough, hack) beloved leader for the 14th result.  No, I’m not going there.  But this tasty image was just two results after that one…

Geez, the question in the image is just ripe for a post, don’t you think?  And I’m sure it makes those from my late Gen X age group immediately think of You Can’t Do That On Television’s Barth and “Who do you think’s in the burgers?”

Duh, I heard that!!!

We’re going to tackle this RII challenge the Shelf Critter way.  Of course we are.  Meet SCT’s own celebrity chef…

Belly Hung Lo, master of questionable Asian cuisine…

HUNG LO: Welcome to Hung Lo’s Almost All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet, home of the ten piece dragon balls special!  What can we make for you today?

SLIDER: I’m not interested in eating any of your “food,” I’m only here to look at it.

HUNG LO: This is Chinese buffet, not a “see food” restaurant.  Get it?  Ha ha ha!!!

SLIDER: Sorry, but I have no sense of humor.  I’m the Shelf health inspector, and lately there has been an epidemic of patrons of your eatery coming down with a nasty case of the possum trots.  I want to know what ingredients you are using in the meat you are serving here!

HUNG LO: Hung Lo only uses the finest ingredients in all food.  Come, I show you…

HUNG LO: All natural pork!

SLIDER: Are you sure this pig is fit for human consumption?

HAMMY: Achoo!

SLIDER: Aha!!!  Just as I suspected, the swine flu!

HUNG LO: USDA Choice ground beef!

SLIDER: That is not a cow!

APPLEJACK: Howdy Sugarcube!  I mean, moo!

HUNG LO: Nothing wrong with horse meat.  McDonald’s has over one trillion served…

HUNG LO: Our special ingredient!

SLIDER: You can’t cook dog in this country!  What would Sarah McLaughlan say!?!?

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THIS RESTAURANT IS NOT CRUELTY FREE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SLIDER: No!  Don’t tell me you grind unicorns up for meat as well!

HUNG LO: No kill unicorn.  Unicorn does provide very important ingredient, though…

HUNG LO: Excellent!  That batch will feed a family of 69!

SLIDER: You put unicorn poop in the food here!?!?  There are laws about the maximum amount of animal droppings that are allowed in meat!

HUNG LO: Unicorn droppings add rainbow flavor for the kids menu.  Very popular among tween girls.

SLIDER: Now I know why there are so many vegetarians… (Pulls out clipboard and starts writing) this is not going to bode well on my report!

TROLL: Oh boy!  More toys for the Crappy Meals!

SLIDER: Why is this employee handling food without wearing gloves?  And where is his hairnet!?!?

TROLL: I can’t find one my size, OK?  The type of net I’d need to cover these luscious locks is being used by tuna fishers to snare dolphins and stray scuba divers in the Caribbean right now!

SLIDER: (Writing) So we have horse, dog, unicorn excrement, and now Troll hair in the food.  Anything else I should know about before I close this joint down?

SLIDER: Raccoons too?  At least most other diners I inspect wait until they’re splattered all over the road first before cooking them…

FUZZYWIG: What’s this about splattering my cute little face all over the road?  I’m just a delivery boy with the most important ingredient of all for any fine dish…

HUNG LO: I assume this batch actually fresh this time.

FUZZYWIG: You have my word, Wang!  I just harvested this shit yesterday.  Be sure to preheat the oven to 420 degrees…

SLIDER: I’m pretty sure this ingredient is still illegal on this Shelf!

HUNG LO: Our senior menu caters to glaucoma patients.

SLIDER: Who is this madman!?!?

HUNG LO: This is our head cook, as well as the house butcher.

SNUGGLE: Yo boss, what’s up?  Find any more living things wandering around the alley you need me to cut up for the next batch of eggrolls?

SLIDER: I’ve seen enough!  (Begins furiously scrawling on his clipboard) I’m not only recommending that this restaurant be shut down for numerous egregious violations of the health code… but I’m going to see to it that this place never opens for business again!

HUNG LO: Before you write up report, perhaps you’d like to know Hung Lo’s most secret ingredient that makes food so delicious?

SLIDER: Oh, and just what, pray tell, is that….?

SNUGGLE: Diced health inspector!!!!!!

HUNG LO: Ah, looks like we have all the ingredients for another successful dinner rush!

SNUGGLE: I fucking love this job!!!

TROLL: Yeah, YOU don’t have to mop up the place before you leave!  Dammit, I’m gonna be here all night again!!!

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Share Your World – Week 6

Hopefully this week’s SYW post doesn’t spend an eternity in the waiting room of Purgatory like the last one…

It’s Tuesday, and that means two things!  First, I’ll finally be getting that loan back from Wimpy.  And second, it’s time to share my world!  Or at least answer a few questions Melanie leaves us on her blog every week.  Unless you work with the CSI team, there isn’t a whole lot you can learn about a person from just four questions.  Oh well.  Roll that beautiful earth footage!

What happens when the planet spins too close to a Xerox machine…

What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?

I guess we should first define “weekend” as the days where you don’t have to show up at your place of employment.  Some people have weekends and some people just get random days off wherever.  Mine happens to run from Wednesday morning until Friday evening… except for weeks like this one where I slap a couple PTO days down and take a four day weekend (a.k.a. The Four Dayer).  I don’t have to go back to work until Saturday night, bitches!  What do you think about that?  Oh, you’re not jealous because you wouldn’t want to work on Saturday nights.   Your loss, man.  Wait, what was the question again?

This would be me all weekend long…. if I wore a suit and tie.

Who do you admire most in the world?

I admire the civil servant guy who has to drive around all day and scoop nasty, splattered, stinking roadkill off the roads.  Talk about a tough job, but somebody has to do it…

Even worse when a certain possum we all know and love is involved…

What do you regret not doing?

I don’t know.  Any moment in our life where there was a fork that we later wished we might have taken is generally some life changing event that would be taking place in an alternate universe.  Who knows what that choice would have actually brought our way, and more importantly, all the unforeseen butterfly effect things that it would have changed in our life.  If you Marty McFlyed yourself back to when you had the chance to take that cushy job you were offered instead of the dead end rut you’re stuck in… your new self might seem happy at first.  Until the day you wound up in a fatal wreck commuting to that dream job…

If there’s anything we should have learned from Choose Your Own Adventure books… it’s that the best choices in life are the ones that always get us killed.

If you see a puddle on the ground, do you walk around it or over/in it?

I wear cheap shoes.  Really, really cheap shoes that easily get holes in them.  Wet feet are not happy feet…

Sunpuddles are well worth jumping in, though…

The traditional gratitude question was replaced with some romantic, squishy booby hug, possibly sappy and overly sugary shit about love… and obviously don’t apply to me who has never had to spend a dime on Valentine’s Day commercialism.  And having a bit of an OCD streak in me, it bothers me to not end SYW on the gratitude question….

Yeah, I’m such a pain in the ass…

So…. I’m thankful that I was able to arrive home from work safely on Sunday morning in the absolute worst ice storm I’ve ever driven in.  The freezing rain itself wasn’t anything special… it was the timing of the storm.  Our city apparently thinks nobody has any business being on the roads at 7 AM on a Sunday morning… and just allowed the entire grid to turn into a huge sheet of ice rather than have the salt trucks out before it turned bad.  I guess we know what the Mayor does on his weekends….. nothing.

If only the freezing rain had started before 4:20 AM…

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