Up To Eleven

EVIL SQUIRREL: Troll!  Shouldn’t you be scrubbing the toilets right now?

TROLL: Sorry sir, but Hung Lo just locked himself in there again… and he’ll probably be in there a few hours…….. or days.

SCRATCHY: I see you’re using your time to beg for change again.

TROLL: Oh this?  No, we’ve started a pool on which critter’s going to have the #1 song!  Wanna get in for two bucks?  The house only takes a 90% rake…

ES: Troll, I made up this list and I already know who got the top song!

TROLL: You’d be a cinch to win then, sir!  Especially when most of the critters picked themselves to win even though they were already chosen.  They won’t beat me, though… my man’s still in the game!

SCRATCHY: And that would be….?

TROLL: George!

GEORGE: Remember me?

ES: No, but I’m finally going to insist Mitzi go on birth control!

SCRATCHY: Sponkies!  Tell us who’s up next… and I’m sure it isn’t this clown.

SPONKIE 2: At number six is….

SPONKIE 1: Brother Bear!!!

SCRATCHY: What?  Why him?

ES: Why are you so critical about your fellow critters?  Lighten up and share the love!

SCRATCHY: Grunt!  Well, where is he?

BROTHER BEAR: (Waving) Yoohoo!  Over here!

SCRATCHY: Well, what’s the hold up, dude?  Get your ass over here!

BROTHER: Sorry, but you know I have a manufacturing defect and can only lay here.

SCRATCHY: Then you’re shit out of luck!  Let’s move on to number five…

ES: Come on, Scratchy, we’re going to have to go to him.

SCRATCHY: Are you out of your mind!?!?  I’m not lugging all of my equipment halfway across the stage just to accommodate some worthless stooge!

ES: And I’m not raiding the pension fund again to settle another ADA lawsuit against us!  Let’s go…

SCRATCHY: Grrrrrr… I need to hire a roadie.

BROTHER: Hello there!

SCRATCHY: Fuck you, Plank Boy!

ES: Let’s get this over with, Brother Bear.  You know I only put up with your shit so I don’t get slapped.

BROTHER: Of course!  I chose a song that really gets me moving on the dance floor!

SCRATCHY: You mean like you were “moving” across our stage?

BROTHER: You’ve never seen me do the lying man before?  All the chicks at the club really dig it!

SCRATCHY: Yeah, sure…

HEDDY: (Hopping aboard) OMG!  It’s THE Brother Bear!  You’re so cute all sprawled out and limp on the floor like that!

SCRATCHY: I’ll bet that’s not the only way he’s limp…

BROTHER: I don’t have a manufacturing defect there, miss!

ES: OK, this is TMI…. just play his damn song already!

While pop music may have taken a step back as the new millennium dawned twenty years ago, there were still plenty of great bands under the radar making a lot of really good music that didn’t get the same amount of radio airplay as Lady Gaga and Beyonce.  And once again, Celine Dion and Justin Bieber notwithstanding, it was our neighbors to the north who were sending their awesome rock tunes south of the border.

Finger Eleven formed in the early 90’s, but didn’t get noticed until their 2003 single “One Thing” made an impression.  Four years later, they were back with an even bigger hit that managed to get to #6 on the US Hot 100 and is definitely one of the better songs of the 00’s…

“Paralyzer” is about how out of place normal people can feel at a dance club full of hipsters dancing like maniacs to music with entirely too much bass.  I’m sure that’s the same way this song felt getting played on the same radio stations that in the late 2000’s were blasting out The Pussycat Dolls and Ludacris…

Of course, the most awesome fact about this Canadian group is that during their first seven years they were known as Rainbow Butt Monkeys.  Why they felt the need to change their name to Finger Eleven is beyond me…

Can I be on the album cover?

While that club will hopefully be closed in three weeks, this countdown still has five to go!  Come back next Monday as the SCT Request Countdown enters the Top 5!

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Weekend Threesome – 1/16/22

It’s time for The Nest’s Weekend Threesome, three short tidbits from my week that you could have lived without knowing, but why would you want to?

Yeah, that might send shudders down your spine if you live in the deep south… but that’s hardly enough to qualify as our first snowfall of the season.  That photo’s from Saturday morning, and as I type this three hours later, it doesn’t look any whiter outside.  The rain didn’t change over anywhere near as early as was forecasted, and with the ground still warm, what snow did fall this morning didn’t stick much.  I’m sure the squirrels appreciated not having to go out barefoot in the snow, but you were probably looking forward to more snow-squirrel pics, and I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you…

Kudos to the lady working the deli at the next-town-over Mecca I get my prescriptions filled at (No, not for mind altering drugs, as you might expect).  I picked up food for me and Mom to have for lunch Wednesday, and I always get some potato wedges because they are food of the gods if done right.  I asked for a pound of them, and on the very first try, the scale read “1.000 pounds” exactly!  We were both impressed with the accomplishment, which was one of those “couldn’t do it again if you tried” kind of moments…

You have to buy the whole dog at the Shelf deli…

And finally on this very short edition of the Threesome….

We have a few fire hydrants in town that were painted in some artsy way a few years ago in an effort to (cough, hack) brighten up the city.  Here’s one by the city park…

I’m not exactly sure if the design has any kind of meaning…… but, eh, I guess it’s art.

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Bundle Up

If only I had a wider tail…

If the forecasts are correct (LOL, says the former meteorology student), by the time this post goes live, we’ll be getting our first accumulating snow of the year in my area.  And as usual, the snow will be followed up by an arctic blast.  This little guy I met at the park on Wednesday seems to be preparing for the winter weather.  That’s a nifty use of his tail to shield his back from the cold… and he even has some extra length for that super cool mohawk style.

He may not seem very happy about it, but this week’s Saturday Squirrel is ready to face the elements anyway!

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Share Your World – Week 158

And now the Fleischmann’s Yeast musical hour presents, live from WESN studios, a concert with Justin Bieber and his swing band!

On this day, January 13, 1910, an opera concert from the Metropolitan Opera House in New York was aired live over the radio to….. well, probably no one since nobody had radios at the time.  But it’s credited with being the very first public radio broadcast ever, launching radio as a medium that despite being obsoleted numerous times over the next 110 years, is somehow still a viable way for music, entertainment and information to be broadcast to the masses.  Many of us in the pre-internet age picked up most of our knowledge of music from listening to the radio, and consequently, radio had frequently been the subject of pop music over the years for everyone from Queen to Wall of Voodoo to Everclear.  And to think, that all started with a few tenors and fat ladies in viking horns…

Radio’s not over ’til the fat lady sings…

And now it’s time to tune our FM dials to Melanie’s blog and answer her Share Your World questions for this week!

80’s album cover art in honor of good ol’ KWK and KHTR…

Who do you think is an example of a successful person?

Admiral James Stockdale.  Not only is he an American war hero, but he wound up being accidentally chosen as a Vice Presidential candidate for my favorite ticket of all time and in glorious fashion delivered the greatest quote in US pop culture history…

The Nest will always look up in awe at your success, Admiral…

Why are you doing what you’re currently doing?

Because the nerve impulses sent by my brain to the rest of my body are creating electrical reactions that are moving my muscles to force me to do what I’m doing.  No matter how much I think I might be in charge of my body, make no mistake that my brain is the one that’s truly in command…

This doesn’t apply to you, Scarecrow. Some puppeteer’s probably got a hand up your ass…

What is your personal theme song?

Two’s a crowd on my cloud, baby….

What do you think about tofu?

I couldn’t even identify tofu if you put that nasty ass shit in front of me.  As George Carlin once alluded to, just the names of some foods are unappetizing and just scream “YUCK!”

Keep your tofu to yourself, squirrel!

Where did you find bliss this past week?

Right next to its partner, Ignorance, as usual….

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All Time Sandy Awards – Questions!

It figures! The Joker was making all these ridiculous searches!

As part of The Nest’s 10th anniversary celebration, we’re dedicating the next eleven Tuesdays to one of my very favorite features to write for this blog, The Sandy Awards!  I presented these awards at the end of every year since 2012 for the best, funniest and most fucked up search terms to get caught up in the filter WordPress maintains in my stats page.  Unfortunately, as search engines began encrypting more and more of the terms that led people to my blog, it was inevitable that a point would finally be reached where I had hardly any material at all to work with… and that moment came midway through 2020.

Since I had nothing to do a 2021 Sandy Awards show with, I borrowed an idea I’d already planned to do anyway when this blog turned ten, and that’s an all-time Sandys list!  I divvied all of the previous Sandy entries into my nine classic categories (plus a miscellaneous for terms that didn’t fit anywhere), and will present one category each week until the final post on March 22nd announcing each category’s winner, as well as THE best search term EVER on my blog.  You won’t want to miss that!

Better put on your best tuxedo T-shirt and stilettos.

Every bolded term you see in this series is an actual set of search terms that was typed in by someone somewhere in the world during the last ten years, and that search led them to The Nest!

And now on to Part One of my 10th anniversary Sandy Awards!  As always, I’ll start with the category that led off every Sandy Awards show since its inception…

The Nest has apparently answered a lot of your internet questions over the past ten years!  I don’t quite know how, but here’s some of the things we’re apparently experts on….

what are the sandy awards? – Seriously!?!?  Were you not listening to my introduction speech?

what does it mean when someone yells squirrel? – You better duck, and FAST!!!

is soloflex still in business? – They should be.  People still enjoy paying hundreds of dollars for exercise equipment they’ll never use.

At least a few calories will be burned on laundry day.

is the rice a roni commercial evil? – No, but this is evil…

From the glue trap to your dinner plate!

are red squirrels evil? – No, and we no longer make them eat from separate feeders either.

is there such a thing as squirrel nip? – Squirrels can’t possibly act any crazier under the influence…

what are you doing this for? – Because…

how much money did hands across america raise? – Not enough to feed Sally Struthers on her next Ethiopian excursion…

Ah, the good old days before Purell!

does dr pepper make you stink? – I guess if you dumped it on your head…

what happens when one disturbs a squirrels nest? – You can ask the last person who tried, once he wakes up from his coma…

Proud defender of the nest!

is it alright to take a squirrel nest out of a tree in lakewood oh? – See above.

is it humane to kill a mangy squirrel? – Sure.  I mean, we euthanize people who are going bald, right?

And that’s just the way it is, BABY!

how did they save money in the 90’s? – By not wasting money on the latest smartphones…

do they have sex in the cool world? – Would it be a cool world if they didn’t?

can sundae be pronounced as sunduh? – You bet your icebox it can!

You can have a sun-DUH on Sun-DAY in the Midwest.

why are cheetos bad for squirrels? – Do you want to have to clean little orange paw prints off your tree?

is the squirrel in the geico commercial trained? – No self respecting squirrel has to be trained how to run out in front of traffic…

Why you won’t find possums on Abbey Road.

why is labor day evil? – Because it literally means “working day” and nobody fucking works that day!

Almost nobody…

who did the brim coffee commercials? – Coffee snobs back in the days before Starbucks.

what coffee brand commercial said full till the brim?

Figured it out yet, Captain Oblivious?

what is the term for when you only survey one profession? – Professional discrimination

did snuggle commercials give kids nightmares? – Of course not!  Creepy teddy bears that lurk in your laundry room are just a figment of the imagination…

It’s time to add the dryer sheets….. BITCH!

what do male possum genitals look like? – You don’t want to know…

is it dangerous for rehabbed squirrels to build a nest out of plastic bags? – I wasn’t aware there were squirrels with a drug problem.

Too much squirrel nip, man!!!

is the word squirrels to be capitalized? – Squirrels may have a god complex, but I still say no.

did the jokers wild game show have a whammy character?

Do I look like some red hyperactive little hobgoblin?

can you swear on your greeting on a answer machine? – Absolutely!  Let ‘er rip!  Those spam risk callers won’t know what hit ’em…

Wow, who knew Grampa knew such salty language?

how has the clapper light switch changed our lives? – By making us all just a little more fucking lazy…

did we lose a couple of minutes during this year’s daylight saving time change? – Yeah, all the time it took to set all of our fucking clocks back!

squirrel doubles the amount of nuts during the day and eats 2 nuts during the evening, by nightfall of the 3rd day there were 34 nuts in the lair, how many nuts were in the original found treasure?

if a squirrel was an angel what would his name be? – I don’t know…. Ralph?

how do i get the smell of squirrel out of my car? – Hang one of those little pine trees on your rearview mirror.  And stop giving Uber lifts to squirrels…

what is the best thing to post on a girl facebook? – Probably not a dick pic.

who buys fanklin mint civil war chess sets? – People who love spending large sums of money on things they’ll never be able to use.

Wait, you want your little girl to PLAY with these valuable collectors items? Are you nuts or something!?!?

what makes selsun blue tingle? – They must have discovered the secret ingredient in Herbal Essences.

Your hair may be clean, but now you’ll have to douche again…

who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing circus act in the world!

Now appearing daily in your backyard!

if this is the first solar eclipse since 1979 what the hell did i see in 1994? – Probably Forrest Gump.

And these guys. They were so 1994…

does florida have a night squirrel? – Even squirrels don’t want to miss out on that amazing Miami nightlife…

1 800 collect can you find it in your heart? – Nope, only in the part of your brain that remembers the days of collect calls.

And…. whatever these things were called.

who is responsible for building a drey for squirrells? – All property owners are responsible for ensuring their squatters have adequate housing…

Fuck this! You should build me a mansion!

were photo huts a real thing?

Get off of my lawn, Millennial!

Well, weren’t those some rather…. um… special questions?  But none of them won the Sandy Award for this category!  We’ll find out what our best interrogative search was on March 22nd, but until then, tune in next Tuesday for the next exciting category in my All Time Sandys presentation!

Posted in 10th Anniversary Squirrels | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments