Let’s Be Frank

Shamelessly stolen from Merby’s blog.

Brrrrrr!!!  Is it just me, or is it getting colder than a witchy woman’s tit outside?  Well, I guess that means we’ll have to turn up muzak and throw another log on the record player!  And just in time since it’s Monday, that day The Nest puts on an extra layer of ear protection and warms up with a nice hot cup of retro cocoa straight out of that polar vortex of iced over classics we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s thawing out this week’s frozen platter in the microwave, while the Sponkies are a bit unhappy that our winter isn’t like the one in Australia.  Here’s one you probably haven’t heard since the Ice Age…

There was an underlying theme that seemed to pop up again and again in the movies of the 1980’s, and it was dancing.  If your script called for young perky people wearing the maximum amount of colorful spandex allowed by law, the chances were pretty good your film was going to be greenlighted thirty-something years ago.  The decade not only produced some of the most legendary dance films ever made, like Footloose, Dirty Dancing and Lambada Flashdance… but a whole host of others that flew under the radar, but nevertheless were chock full of fun, energizing music.

Shake it, Wiki!

So it’s only fitting that one of the most notorious box office bombs of the 80’s was a dance film.  1983’s Stayin’ Alive had so much going against it at the outset, that it’s incomprehensible as to why it ever got made in the first place.  It was a sequel to a disco movie… four years after the dance craze not only went out of style, but became reviled by a culture that burned its leisure suits.  It brought back the original film’s star John Travolta, who had already more than wasted away the youthful fame he got from Saturday Night Fever.  It was directed by Sylvester Stallone, for crying out loud!  What, was Chuck Norris not available?

You say that like it’s a bad thing, yo.

Sly even let his unknown brother Frank write half of the movie’s soundtrack!  That kind of nepotism seemed to have disaster written all over it…. but it turned out to be the one saving grace for this turkey of a movie.  Frank Stallone’s “Far From Over” became the movie’s most recognizable theme, and a #10 hit at that!  It almost never gets played anymore, and that’s a shame…. but it’s one of the best disco/rock mash-ups evah!!!

And yet again, a shitty movie sequel makes its one lasting contribution to the world in the form of a forgotten hit!  This is a high energy blast from the past that’s impossible not to get your blood pumping… making it one of the more popular radio hits to become the theme music to local shows.

And here’s an interesting tidbit from that very Wiki article I just linked to.  “Far From Over” was the last Top 40 single ever issued on a record that featured this famous logo on the label…

Moooooooooo!!!!

RSO Records was only around for a decade, but while they existed, they were one of the most powerful independent labels of all time, and almost singlehandedly started the popular movie soundtrack craze that would take off like wildfire in the 80’s.  They had blockbuster movies like Fame, Grease, Saturday Night Fever, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi on their resumes.  Oh, and they also were responsible for the woefully horrific hot mess that was the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band movie.  They were still reeling from that ill advised mooooooooovie when the label went cow belly up in 1983, the same year Stayin’ Alive became their last, unfortunate stand.

Just in time! Someone’s hungry…

The lost earworms are far from over…. I’ll be back with another one next Monday!

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Give A Little Bit

What do you get for the unicorn who has nothing?

As those of you who read my Shelf Critter Theatre contributions are aware, Mitzi has a couple of eggs in tow that she somehow laid last month.  While everyone’s favorite flighty and flirty bimbocorn is trying to learn the basics of parenting before her spawn officially come into this world, she’s gonna need a little bit more than some smarts (and the support from whichever unlucky critter fathered them) to help raise whatever managed to emerge from those shells.  Pam from One Spoiled Cat made a casual inquiry in that first post as to whether there wold be a baby shower for Mitzi before the big moment arrived… and that got the wheels turning in my head.

Which is always very dangerous…

The Shelf Critter gang will indeed be throwing Mitzi a shower on December 22nd, and you are invited to contribute to the cause!  Not actually sending something, of course… but finding something crazy online, or maybe even creating it yourself… and sending me a picture or the link to that item so I can add it to the baby shower episode!  It might be fun to see what people come up with!

You should know that obviously I’m not looking for the mundane.  I want something truly creative, off the wall, and maybe even completely fucked up… just like Shelf Critter Theatre is!  Be as silly as you want!

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!! Thanx for the styrofoam peanuts!!!

Send the link or a photo of what you’d like to give Mitzi for her baby shower to my emails address (which can be found here) sometime before the 22nd (That’s the Friday after next!)  All “gifts” will be credited to the blogger who donated (Unless you’d rather give anonymously, then please note that).  I had actually thought of making this my Contest of Whatever idea for this coming February, but there was no way I could hold off on hatching the eggs that long!

Do not open before Xmas!

As a completely just for fun aside….. there is no telling what two critters are in those eggs of Mitzi’s.  The Hatchimals menagerie seems to cover quite a large variety of the animal kingdom.  I know several of you are just as curious as I am what species Mitzi will become a mother to…. so how about a guessing game as well?  In the comments, give me your best guess as to which two species of animals you think might be in Mitzi’s eggs.  If anyone manages to hit the daily double, I’ll have to find some prize to send them!  The egg hatching ceremony will be on the final Shelf Critter Theatre episode of the year, which will be December 29th!

Indeed it shall….

Don’t miss out on the fun!  Unless this isn’t your idea of fun…… in which case, what are you doing on my blog!?!?

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Come On Get Happy

happy squirrel

I dare you to try to frown while you look at this picture.

Is there anything in this world more adorable than a happy squirrel?  Look at this cutie!  He’s not going to run away from my camera and give me the business from high up in a tree.  He isn’t going to throw acorns, nuts, or anything else not tied down in my general direction.  This guy’s far too excited at the opportunity to have his picture taken and proudly displayed on my blog for the whole world to ooh and aah over.

That’s the spirit, little one!  Let your powerful rays of sciurine sunshine light up the world as only a smiling Saturday Squirrel can do!

Have a great weekend everyone, and SMILE!

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Mitzi Baby

CHIP: Isn’t this just the most wonderful time of the year, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Ehhhhhhhh, it comes in a close second to April 20th.

CHIP: You know what would really make the season just a little bit brighter?  Some cheery holiday music!

FUZZYWIG: So we’re going down to Mecca?

CHIP: Hell no!  I’m not getting in that crowd fighting for the last Unicone.  But I figured maybe DJ Scratchy could put a Christmas tune on the speakers for us.

SCRATCHY: Sorry, dudes.  But Kevin Eubanks doesn’t have any Christmas muzak.  At least not on the only cassette we have on the shelf.

FUZZYWIG: Oh well.  Time to seek mellowness in something else that begins with the letter M…

CHIP: Shoot!  Hey, maybe I can find us a nice holiday classic on YouTube!

FUZZYWIG: If we’re gonna watch videos, can they at least have boobs in them?

CHIP: Ah, here’s one of my favorites that wasn’t sung by one of my chipmunk relatives…

Chip clicks on the link, and after a 15 second ad for Unicorn Chow (made with 100% Angus unicorns), the video plays……

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  Slip a sable under the tree,  for me! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: No way!

MITZI: But I’ve totally been an awful good girl!

SANTA: Yeah, sure.  I don’t want PETA boycotting my cabin again… they never send the naked protester chicks up to the arctic.  So you’ll have to make due with this possum…

MITZI: I’m, like, supposed to wear that?

SANTA: Well, there’s some assembly required.  And maybe a flea dip…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  A ’54 convertible too, light blue! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Ha!  Don’t wait up for that, dearie…

MITZI: But Santa!!!!

SANTA: Here, have this instead…

SANTA: A ’97 Taurus with about 69,000,000 miles on it and no warranty or AC.

MITZI: My Mommy’s station wagon sounds better than that!

SANTA: I’ll even throw in the squirreldeer!

MITZI: Lolwhut?  Squirreldeer?

SANTA: You’ve never met Scrat the red nosed squirreldeer?

MITZI: Awwwwww, he’s adorabubble!  But the car’s bigger junk than what’s in my trunk!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Think of all the fun I’ve missed!  Think of all the fellows that I haven’t kissed… ♩ ♪ ♫

BUB: Ahem!

MITZI: Like, who are you?

BUB: I’m the only fellow on the shelf that you haven’t…… you know….

MITZI: OMG!  Really!?!?  Maybe we can, like, fix that!

BUB: That would be impossible.

MITZI: Nothing’s impossible for Mitzi when it comes to making whoopie cushions!

BUB: I have no penis!

MITZI: No way!

Mitzi puts on her spectacles to take a closer look…

MITZI: You like, have nothing fun at all down there!  What happened?

BUB: Read the sign…. getting older sucks!

MITZI: But Mitzi likes a well aged gentlecritter!

BUB: Yeah, well this gentlecritter’s weewee fell off in his forties.

MITZI: Oh noes!  Maybe next year if you could be just as good, Santa would put a weewee under your treetree!

BUB: Already asked for that last year.  Wound up getting this…

BUB: I asked for a penis, and Santa brought me a peanut!

MITZI: Well, at least you, like, have the nuts part of the equipment back!

♩ ♪ ♫ If you’ll check off my Christmas list ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  I want a yacht, and really that’s not a lot! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Yeah, it ain’t like it’s your money we’re spending here, toots!  You are NOT getting a yacht, or even a dinghy!

MITZI: But Santa!  I’ve been an angel all year!

praying raccoon

RICKY: Lord!  Please forgive The Nest for this utter BLASPHEMY!!!  Don’t strike the Troll with lightning again!

SANTA: I guess if you really want to sail, this will have to float your boat…

SANTA: A completely obsolete coin tub from The Brass Ass Casino in Cripple Creek!  Buoyant enough to hold up a silicone bimbocorn like yourself on the high seas. Don’t forget to wear your Marty McFly life preserver…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Honey!  One thing that I really do need, the deed!  To a platinum mine! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Completely out of the question!  Don’t you think we’ve strip mined the planet enough for the past few centuries?  It’s time to get earth friendly!

SANTA: Here’s the seeds to a MARIHUANA farm!  Happy planting!

MITZI: I, like, can’t do farm work!

SANTA: That’s not what I’ve heard

MITZI: But I get allergic smelling hay!

SANTA: I’ll even throw in this scarecrow for you to ward off the raccoons…

MITZI: This is gonna, like, totally ruin my pedicure!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Cutie!  And fill my stocking with a duplex!  And checks! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Should I just sign my X on the line?

MITZI: Yes, please!!!!

SANTA: Oh, damn.  It seems like Santa’s bank account is in the red again because the old lady went shopping and maxed all the fucking cards out again!  I’ve told the missus a thousand times… we have our own damned sweatshop full of cheap elf labor!  She doesn’t need to hit all the Black Friday sales!!!  Sorry, sweetie, but Santa’s checkbook is just as rubber as those toys I brought you last year.

MITZI: (Pouty faced) Saaaaaaantaaaaaaaaa…..

SANTA: How about some lottery scratch off tickets instead?  They’ve become a popular Christmas gift for the cheap…

MITZI: Santa!  These tickets are, like, already scratched off!  And they’re (puts her hoof on her forehead in the shape of an L) LOSERS!

SANTA: Damn, there’s just no pleasing you, is there girl?  It’s the thought that counts, and the thought of giving away a million dollar winner just didn’t sit very well with me…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  So hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Come and trim my Christmas tree, with some decorations bought at Tiffany! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Sorry, Tiffany is way out of Santa’s budget!  But maybe you’d like something from one of her contemporaries instead…

SANTA: Some leftover Electric Youth perfume from Debbie Gibson!

MITZI: I don’t want to smell like 1989!

SANTA: Tough shit!

MITZI: But Santa, I really believe in you!

SANTA: Let’s see if I believe in unicorns……. NOPE!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  Forgot to mention one little thing…. ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Let me guess…… a ring?

MITZI: Nopers!  Like, the fact that I’m asking for THREE this year!

SANTA: I ain’t getting those omelets anything for Christmas!  You have to be born before you can get gifts!

MITZI: But you can give them the one thing they reallyreallyreallyreallyreally need most!

SANTA: You’ll have to ask the bunny for Easter dye.

MITZI: A DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: I just need, like, a couple pints of your blood in this specimen cup to get your DOA sample, and…

SANTA: Oh, fuck no!  I’m gonna lay a finger beside of my nose and get the hell out of here before my foreign aid gets garnished!

RAINY: Not so fast!!!

RAINY: It’s time to find a vein, Santa!  And I don’t mean in your arm.  Drop your drawers and bend over!!!!

SANTA: Like hell!  Nobody treats Santa Claus like…

Rainy pushes Santa over the table and yanks down his jolly red britches…

RAINY: This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it’s going to hurt me…

Santa screams and cries and whines like a baby as Rainy collects a sample for his DNA test…

RAINY: One down, sixty-nine more blood draws to go before the cup is filled!

MITZI: Good thing you brought a whole box of stickies!

RAINY: Yes (Rainy jabs Santa again, causing him to pass out in the milk and cookies), and hopefully I have enough left to collect from our other potential paternity suit that’s nearby…

MITZI: Like, who would that be?

RAINY: The one who’s peeking through your blinds…

SNUGGLE: Aw, fuck!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  So hurry down the chimney toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! ♩ ♪ ♫

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The Island Of Fucked Up Toys

Oh look, we have a new guest. Welcome Vinnie the male vibrator!

We all know that the true spirit of the holidays is going deep into debt so that we can give everybody who is at least as close to us as a Facebook contact something of material value lest we end up condemning ourselves to be buried in Ebeneezer Scrooge’s bottomless grave.  There is no area of this give until you can feel it up your ass mentality that is more accentuated at this time of the year than buying toys for the children… so that a whole year’s worth of assholish behavior can be rewarded with a shit-ton of imported plastic garbage that will be lost, destroyed or forgotten about before Dick Clark’s animatronic body can rock in the New Year…

The toys your kids will be playing with in January.

I’ve done enough time in the toy department at Mecca this year to have somewhat of a handle on the hottest trends in commercial playthings for the first time since 2000.  As you might expect, I’ve seen plenty of things on Mecca’s shelves of expensive, made in China fun that just aren’t right, and I thought I’d share some of these finds with you so that you can have a laugh at the expense of the parents who actually buy this shit.  This post is suitable for Ages 3 and up…

Fingerlings:

You should never let your sisters play with your monkey.

You know 2017 is gonna be a banner year in WTF when the hottest toy out there is this fucked up mess.  Fingerlings are miniature monkeys that are made to cradle young, grubby little fingers.  The privilege of having some Teletubby reject hump your spawn’s digits is only $15…. what a fucking bargain!  The Wow Wee company, which is probably in the process of being bought out by Hasbro as we speak, managed to hit what is obviously a completely random lottery of selling that one toy this year that no store can keep in stock.  Kids, if you want to play with finger monkeys, masturbation isn’t the devil’s playground your parents might want you to think it is… and it’s also less expensive.

Slime:

Look Mommy! It’s a unicorn’s nutsack!

Back to School was a strange time this year because even long before the first Paw Patrol lunch bag was packed with ramen noodles and a Capri Sun, we were having a hell of a time keeping school glue in stock.  Who in the hell uses school glue someplace other than school, anyway?  Dad’s tube of super glue will work fine if you want to fuse your little brother’s nostrils together.

Or duct tape in a pinch.

It turns out the recipe for making slime went viral this year, so children everywhere could make a gigantic fucking mess while creating…. well, a gigantic fucking mess.  How on earth can a small mind possibly entertain itself for more than 15 minutes with a pile of globby, glittery goop that would probably be put to better use as tile grout?  Well, since apparently kids finally want something other than smartphones or monkeys to hold in their hands, the slime fad has lived on to become the grossest gift to be found in your stocking since toenail fungus…

Enchantimals:

Give the gift of skunk this Christmas.

For all the flak that furry nation takes for being one of the crown jewels of freaky behavior, the toy world sure has gotten awfully furry and cute in the past few years.  With Enchantimals, that trend has now officially gone too far.  It takes a special mindset to appreciate the beauty of a skunk, and it’s probably a stretch to assume the average ten year old girl wants to play with an anthropomorphic representation of that thing that made her dog smell like poopoo.  Like most other dolls made for tweens, Sage Skunk and the rest of her bizarre half animal, half human, half dumbass friends are essentially just another Bratz clone… except playing with a slutty skunk doll might get your child beat up.

Fat Curvy Barbie:

One of these things is not like the others…

For over 50 years, Barbie has been setting the unrealistic standard of beauty that apparently wrecks the self esteem of our girls who so desperately want to look like a plastic bimbo.  This is ridiculous.  No boy wants to grow up to be a peckerless, metrosexual like Ken… and likewise, no girl should strive to be a wafer thin, unemployed diva like Barbie.  Yet because some people still don’t get that fantasy and reality are two separate things, Mattel felt the pressure to beef up the toy world’s most famous pink pill and call her “Curvy.”

There’s nothing wrong with being a big girl like Mitzi!

When Barbie’s looked like she’s skipped her last three meals for the past half century, suddenly seeing a doll a few sizes up the dress scale just looks….. awkward.  It’s not like Curvy Barbie is morbidly obese, but compared to her iconic form that every person alive today knows well, it still looks like somebody dressed up Shamu and put her in a pink box.  Girls want to play in an idealized world where every girl is a princess with her own unicorn and a prince who will marry them and grow up to be the next dictator, not in the real world where Mom’s busing tables at the Waffle House and big sister got knocked by her boyfriend at 15.  Leave Barbie alone…

Nerf Guns:

I wanna be in a terrorist group when I grow up!

There are some who would think the US has a gun problem.  Why are we a society so obsessed with violence and weapons of mass destruction, and what can we do to stem the tide of mass shootings?  That’s not a subject for my blog…. but there’s one aisle in the toy department of your favorite store that would make Charlton Heston proud, and that would be where you can find a vast arsenal of Nerf artillery that would put to shame what your local militia has built up.  Kids love shooting foam balls at each other while being a menace to the neighborhood… so why not give those future NRA members the most positively frightening array of fake assault weapons so they can pretend to be their favorite member of ISIS while they lay waste to their friends…

Cowboys and Indians is so 20th century.

Pictured above is the Nerf® Retaliator®, so named because cold blooded vengeance is something we want to instill in our youth when they are their most impressionable.  That’s practically wussified compared to the names Mecca’s generic ripoff brand Adventure Force gave to its collection of toy assault rifles.  By spending just a few dollars less, your child can terrorize the subdivision with guns called “The Avenger,” “The Decimator,” and “The Eradicator!” These are the coolest toys that will ever be pried from your child’s cold, dead hands…

No fair! the squirrel has real bullets!

And last, but certainly least…….

The Unicone Ice Cream Maker:

Not exactly the Snoopy Sno Cone Maker…

Remember that insane ad Squatty Potty created last year to advertise its product, which I rightly mocked on this very blog? No doubt, like myself, you watched in utter horror as it showed a rainbow unicorn shitting rainbow colored ice cream into cones and thought that the people who created this abomination needed to be fitted for straitjackets immediately.  There was someone out there, however, who watched that video and thought, “Hey, there’s a product I can market!”  It takes a special kind of genius to invent something so twisted.  This is why we’re all writing blogs in our spare time and not rolling around naked on the kitchen floor in a pile of money right now.

This is also why we are doomed as a society.

The Unicone is an actual, real, honest to fucking Dog product that you can buy at your local Mecca right now that is an ice cream maker in the shape of a roly poly unicorn.  And that ice cream comes right out of its plastic anus.  Yummy.  The Hershey Highway has just become the rocky road.  Look, I love unicorns as much, and maybe even more than you do… but no matter how perfect and innocent and magical these creatures may seem… I got a million dollar bill on my shelf right now that says even a unicorn’s shit stinks.  And for Christ’s sake, I’m pretty sure that unicorn excrement is NOT edible.  Sure, it may look pretty and colorful… but so does your vomit after a night of heavy binge drinking.  Not only should you not eat that colorful waste product, but you should probably call a hazmat truck to remove it…

You just poisoned me, you fucking asshat!

Happy forced reciprocal gift giving holidays everyone!

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