Today I would like to introduce you all to a very good friend of mine, and a fellow blogger. His name is Sparky, and he has been one of my biggest inspirations ever since I opened up Evil Squirrel’s Nest. Here you see Sparky back in the days when he used to work in the sporting goods department at K-Mart. Always cheerful, always friendly, and always willing to act like he actually knew which ammunition actually went with the gun you were going to purchase… but those days are over for Sparky. Now that he’s an uberfamous blogger known the world over, he sits at home and collects unemployment while he patiently waits for his blog to start making him tons of money.
Sparky is living the American dream, and I’ve always strived to join him in his life full of adventure, sparkliness, and waiting in the bread line. So today, I’m going to show off what I’ve learned from the master, and really make this blog of mine super sparkly awesome and popular!
The most important thing I need to work on is building a huge base of followers and make them think that I actually have any use for them other than padding my own blog’s stats. Time was, when I’d get a new fan who showed an interest in my blog, I would also become a fan of their blog as well and reciprocate the interaction. Sparky’s much smarter than I’ll ever be, and he taught me that time spent actually reading the blogs of other people could be put to better use relentlessly stalking the few bloggers who actually matter.
No, the best way to show your followers that you care without having to actually spend much time on them is to continuously pump out pretty little awards. What better way to spread the love than to guilt your fellow bloggers into accepting an award that will take them several weeks to complete all the useless crap you required them to comply with in order to show off the badge you made for them!
Oh wait, did I say make for them? Silly me. See, while I do have some skill at creating my own artwork on the computer, Sparky was shocked to hear that I went through all the effort to create original art to sprinkle throughout my blog posts. I mean, that’s why the internet gods created Google Image Search, right?
Heck, as it turns out, I don’t even need to take the time sifting through Google! See, artists tend to follow other artists blogs, so I have a wealth of other creative people at my disposal whose unwatermarked pieces of art they post are just ripe for the picking! No wonder Sparky is so
reviled revered in the blogging community… the man’s an absolute GENIUS!
So, I’d like to present the following award to all of my supercool followers out there!
The King Limpy Award is the most prestgiousest blogging award out there in the known universe! Only the totally rad and sparklicious bloggers out there can display the King Limpy badge on their sidebar! The rules for being allowed the privilege of displaying this awesome image on your pathetic blog are quite simple indeed! You must do them in order too, that’s important for some reason….
1. Thank the recipient for nominating you for the King Limpy Award! And don’t just say “Golly gee, thanks!” and provide a linkback…. after all, you really aren’t worthy of of this award anyway, and you know darn good and well it was only presented to you to get some free advertising on your blog. Go all out and grovel at the feet of the presenter. Offer your devoted readership forever, and possibly even hand at marriage. Don’t worry if you are the same gender as the blogger who nominated you, this is 2013 and that’s perfectly OK now.
2. Answer all 99 questions provided by the presenter. Yes, these are very personal and probing questions, because more than likely the presenter is only trying to find out if you’re truly worth stalking by trying to root out if you share any of their favorite fetishes. Don’t be shy, let your personality flow!
3. Create 99 new questions of your own for other bloggers you’d like to nominate. This is merely a useless fetch quest to distract you from realizing that the blogger who nominated you hasn’t liked or replied to anything you have posted in weeks, not that they were ever even reading the stuff on your blog they did Like in the past. All questions must contain at least one adverb and use of the letter P is forbidden.
4. Buy something from my online store. Minimum purchase to qualify for the King Limpy Award is $150 USD. This award is all about shameless self-promotion after all. Sparky would want it that way. You know you always wanted to drink your coffee from a mug with Buster’s handsome face on it…
5. Nominate 500 other bloggers, and make sure to share the good news that they’ve been nominated for the King Limpy award by commenting on one of their more serious blog posts, like the one about how they were just diagnosed with terminal cancer. Don’t forget to include the link to my store! Check up on your nominees to see if they’re followed through on your nomination or not. Continue to pester the ones who ignore you by noting that they must have overlooked your previous comment. Repeat daily as necessary.
Since the King Limpy Award is mine, I’m not bound by the rules I established for it. So I choose to nominate only one blogger for it, Merbear. I could waste my time getting the links to a bunch of my other followers, but like Kevin Bacon, every blogger on the World Wide Web can be traced back to Merby in under six degrees of separation. So by just nominating her, I’ll start a chain reaction that will soon make me just as famous and beloved and rich as my pal Sparky! I won’t have any problems making sure she follows up on the award either, since I already check her blog out about 200 times a day, and I’ll be sure to drop helpful reminder comments on her blog every hour on the hour. Maybe she’ll present me with the Creeper Award again!!! She loves me so, and I love her…. and the life-sized poster of the left side of her face I have on my wall!
This will be so awesome! Within the next few days, my follower counter will go through the roof! I’ll soon have thousands of fans with foreign names I can’t pronounce who will Like my posts within 0.043 seconds of me posting them! Awesome!!! No, Sparklepony awesome!!!!
So there you have it, folks! How to make millions of friends on the internet and get rich trying! If Sparky can do it, then so can I!
Disclaimer to those not in the know: This post was my entry in Alice in Wonderland’s Sparklepony contest, and should not be taken seriously… well, too seriously anyway. I am not normally this annoying…. honest!