Top Secret!

They're better than chileh!

They’re better than chileh!

tuesday tvListen.  Do you want to know a secret?  Do you promise not to tell?

There are all kinds of reasons to keep something a secret.  Governments protect information from our enemies, as well as from the people with three heads who have no idea their town had been sprayed with Agent Orange for the past five decades.  Friends keep hot gossip hush hush to avoid hurting the wrong people, at least until the right people ask them.  And companies keep their formulas and recipes a secret to prevent companies from cutting into their profits.

The secret to my success?  Being a total asshole!

The secret to my success? Being a total asshole!

The secret recipes behind some of our favorite food and drinks are protected by security that would make Fort Knox look like an open house.  Jay Bush sure wasn’t going to take any chances of anyone getting the family recipe that makes his line of baked beans so popular among the bean eating, gas passing public.  So he made sure the only other individual who knew the secret recipe couldn’t tell a soul…

Alas, YouTube fails me again.  The original ad in this series is not over there, nor can I even find it on any other site on the entire damn web.  But the commercial I linked to gives you a general idea of what this Bush’s campaign was all about, which I’ve outlined below…







This cute little ad campaign with Jay Bush and his talking dog Duke first hit our TV’s in the last 90’s, and still pops up on occasion to this day.  It made a catchphrase out of its signature line “Roll that beautiful bean footage!”, which Duke parrots in the very first ad that set up this series.  We aren’t sure what bean footage is supposed to be, but it’s just so cool to say!

Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The funny thing about secret recipes, though, is that while they are closely guarded like the solvency of the corporation depends upon it… the fact is that they really aren’t that well hidden at all.  A chemist worth their Bunsen burner could tell you what ingredients are all in Coca Cola.  It wouldn’t be that difficult to deconstruct Col. Sanders’ original recipe by just buying a bucket of his chicken.  So why is it that apparently nobody has discovered these secret formulas yet and made a mountain of money using someone else’s hard work?

Other than Disney, that is...

Other than Disney, that is…

The secret behind why secret recipes are really such a sham is the fact that what is valuable to these companies isn’t the formula itself that is hermetically sealed inside a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch.  It’s the brand name of the product that is valuable…. and no other entity can copy that, at least without legal consequences.  Any moron could make a pop soda that tastes exactly like Coke…. but only the Coca Cola Corporation can call its product Coke and can publicly denounce your concoction as just a lame imitation of the real thing.  Nobody is going to buy your ripoff no matter how much you scream that it is exactly like Coke….

Sorry Great Value, you can't use the power of Wendell!

Sorry Great Value, you can’t use the power of Wendell!

But of course, the hype surrounding the fact that their formulas are so secret has worked very much to Coke’s and KFC’s advantage over the years.  The aura of mystique surrounding the mystery of the secret ingredients has itself sold quite a few red cans and striped buckets.  And with the classic commercial campaign that was the subject of today’s Retro TV Ad Tuesday, Bush’s Baked Beans has cut themselves in a little of that “I got a secret!” action…

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

So today The Nest gives a big, greasy high five to Jay Bush and his trusty canine companion Duke for teasing us with the family secret behind making something so disgusting somehow taste a little less disgusting.  We only hope that should something dreadful happen to either man or beast, that someone else is able to step forward that can be trusted with the closely guarded family recipe that will keep the success of Bush’s Baked Beans out of the hands of those who would like to make generic clones. Where will we find such a man?

Roll that beautiful bean footage!

Roll that beautiful bean footage!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Top Secret!

  1. markbialczak says:

    I never trust a dog’s taste in baked beans, anyway, Bush dog or not, ESN.

  2. Twindaddy says:

    I think the commercials should show the aftermath footage, too.

  3. C.K. Hope says:

    Coke, wasn’t their secret ingredient actually cocain in the beginning?

    • C.K. Hope says:

      I’m going for a record in how many comments I can leave “e”s off of words in one 24 hour period, I think that one makes 6! hehe

      • That’s extremely efficient of you to leave the silent letters off of words like that! Think of how many megabytes of storage you are saving WordPress! Someday, that may be the difference between me being able to upload Buster’s latest X rated movie or not…

  4. gentlestitches says:

    HeeHee, now there is the bloke who can keep a secret, especially one that might rattle the “geriatric quo:” (the old men with guns who control all the money.) o_O

  5. Ted Luoma says:

    Baked beans is people. Classic.

  6. draliman says:

    I feel a bit left out that I have never heard of Bush’s baked beans 😦 . We only have Heinz.

    • I don’t think I have ever seen the Heinz brand of beans before…. but while checking to see if maybe they sold them under another brand name around here, I did find this image which I believe is serious, but can’t help but draw some juvenile giggles…

      • draliman says:

        Yep, funny but yummy! Heinz is an American company but maybe uses a different brand name in the US. They do everything here – beans, spaghetti, soup, ketchup, brown sauce.

      • Heinz mainly uses their name on ketchup and other condiments in their home country. They have a lot of familiar sub-brands from what I saw on their website, but none that is associated with beans that I know of…

  7. motherhendiaries says:

    Gahahaha! Made me snort beans. Who would have thought people could taste so good… 🙂 That dog sure knew what he was talking about.

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