The coffee really is strong enough to put a hole in the wall…. oh yeah!

Coffee.  To some people, it’s a pick-me-up in the morning to help shake off the cobwebs of sleep and dewdrops of wet dreams.  For those who work the night shift, it’s a vehicle to help stay awake so that you can get your job done while the boss sleeps in his office.  And then there are those for whom it is a lifeblood that they literally can not function without… and I’d mock those hopelessly addicted people if they wouldn’t totally kick my ass during a bout of caffeinated coffee bean withdrawal…

As soon as I have enough energy to get up on my feet, your fluffy ass is grass!!!

There are a number of brands of coffee out there on the commercial market to help those who rely on this Colombian stimulant to maintain their sanity and quell their murderous rampages.  And the coffee industry has given us some of the best remembered slogans in the commercial advertising industry…

Hand picked by Juan Valdez….

When did Saddam Hussein have a Rainbowless Donkey?

The best part of waking up….

Snorting Folgers is not recommended…

Good to the last drop…

Preferred by dead Presidents and drag queens.

And then there was the coffee darling of the airwaves in the 70’s and 80’s, which had a pretty well known catchphrase of its own…

Brim coffee not only had a slogan that wormed its way into pop culture during our younger days, but it even invented a new definition for a word that to this day I still hear people use…

Let me fill that up to the brim for you…

The slogan “Fill it up to the rim” somehow got totally bastardized by a society that had yet to experience the mass dumbification of Facebook and Tweeter, and all over America people were wanting their cups “filled to the brim.”  According to the dictionary definition brought up by Google, the word “brim” is defined as:

“The projecting edge around the bottom of a hat”

Exhibit Awww:

So unless you like your coffee to be poured into a hat, you are not filling your cup to the “brim”.  You can have a brimming cup of Brim, but you can only fill something to the rim before this happens…

Shit!

The recurring gag in most of those Brim commercials we were treated to in the 80’s involved exactly what level a douchebag likes their coffee stopped at.  Some coffee snob thinks they’re being served some kind of percolated sewage water, so they stop the pourer at half a cup… since half a cup of something you think tastes like garbage is apparently better than telling the person holding the carafe to go fuck themselves with their shitty coffee.

You can stick both A and B in the brim of your ass for all I care.

In the 1986 Brim ad I embedded above, the woman who is being served the coffee whines that she doesn’t like decaf because it isn’t as full flavored as that seaweed she’s got stuck between her teeth from diving for the pirate Douchebeard’s lost treasure all day long.

Well bring your own damn coffee next time, bitch!

Oh, but dear… this is decaffeinated Brim!!!  I went out of my way for your picky ass!

Old time coffee cans also made convenient murder weapons.

After tasting the Brim, lo and behold, she now has to take back every horrible thing she ever said about decaf.  Fill it to the brim rim, she says!

But of course, my dear. You owe me a BJ for this…

Unfortunately, while you can still fill your cup to the brim, you can no longer do it with the coffee that gave us the phrase.  Brim has been off the market since 1995.  The official explanation is that when Brim’s parent company General Foods got merged with Kraft, the weaker Brim was dropped in favor of Kraft’s more prestigious Maxwell House brand.  But here at The Nest, we’re always on the lookout for ulterior motives, and we think Brim may have instead paid dearly for the unforeseen consequences of its words…

Third degree burning all the way to the bank.

In August of 1994, one of the most famous WTF lawsuits in American pop culture was decided when a jury awarded a 79 year old woman more of Ronald McDonald’s money than her children and grandchildren could have ever hoped to inherit.  The reason?  She spilled her hot Mickey Dee’s java on her crotch and burned her fertile nether regions alive.  Once this verdict was announced, a greedy populace got mega dollar signs in their eyes and realized that the best way to spill hot coffee on them was to….

Fill it to the bri….. YEEEEEEOWWWWWW!!!!

Is it a coincidence that Brim was off the store shelves just a few months later?  We at The Nest think not… and we came to that conclusion will full mental faculties after downing a whole 52 ounce hernia jug of full flavored fountain Pepsi.  So here’s to the coffee that is best remembered for filling cups to a word that Noah Webster and Inigo Montoya would not approve of.  While our slacking lately has caused Retro Ad Tuesdays to seem like it’s on perpetual coffee break, we hope this comeback edition filled you to the brim with our usual brand of cheesy entertainment and inappropriate laughter.

And as for our moronic couple on the boat looking for pieces of eight before the Somali prates can kidnap them…. well, don’t tell anyone, but we secretly switched out their usual Brim with this… let’s see what happens!

The only coffee good enough to be served on the Titanic.