Bringing Sexy Back, Jack

buster sexy

tuesday tvIf there is one maxim in advertising that has been tried and true since the very first caveman went through puberty, it’s that sex sells.  Companies that sell beer know that the best way to cater to their desired young male demographic is to feature commercials with as much cleavage as is legally allowed by FCC laws.  I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter knows more women will buy their product if they feature Fabio licking his lips for the artery clogging delight.  And Taster’s Choice coffee realized that it would sell more grounds if it featured serial ads with the longest build-up of sexual tension outside of a male/female partnership in a primetime drama…

Um, you came over to borrow some coffee... not my vagina.

Um, you came over to borrow some coffee… not my vagina.

In 1993, Mennen wanted to tap into the erogenous G spot of using sex appeal in its ads to sell Skin Bracer aftershave.  Unfortunately, every Hollywood stud was apparently unavailable at the time, or possibly allergic to aftershave.  So Mennon made the curious choice of hiring screen legend Jack Palance to be the smooth talking, sexy voice for Skin Bracer’s aphrodesiatic powers… and being the trooper that he is, he managed to milk it for all it was worth!

I’ll give the women out there a few minutes to wash their fingers after viewing that 15 seconds of overly stimulating, arousing sensuality that was almost too hot for Retro TV Ad Tuesday…

SWOON!

SWOON!

Jack Palance had just won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for “City Slickers”, which made him a hot commodity at the time and ripe for the opportunity to be some product’s pitchman.  But is a 74 year old man really the best choice to use in a commercial where you want your hired gun to talk all sexy and seductive and appeal to the young adult set with lots of disposable debt income?

What would your great grandkids think, jack?

What would your great grandkids think, jack?

I realize that older men can often hold massive sexual appeal to most women, and Jack’s still got the Romeo charm even if his six-shooter’s probably out of bullets.  But exactly who is Mennen trying to win over by having a 74 year old senior citizen talk about how sexy their aftershave makes them appear to the feminine nostrils?

Hottie, did you smell that dude's aftershave?

Hottie, did you smell that dude’s aftershave?

And that makes this whole ad even more bizarre since the product is for men, and presumably bought by men.  I’m not sure where Jack Palance rates on the ultimate guy list of Hollywood heroes, but he’s certainly not in the same echelon as John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, or even Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.  He’s probably a few notches below Joe Pesci…

Does my aftershave amuse you?

Does my aftershave amuse you?

…but slightly ahead of Rick Moranis.

Your confidence is very sexy, sir.

Your confidence is very sexy, sir.

And definitely miles behind my sister

Of course, guys only put up with smelly cologne, aftershave, and body spray because female human beings are the only animal on the planet not attracted by their opposite sex’s natural musk.  Women want a man who smells like a perfume counter, not their brother’s armpit.  Having Jack Palance apply some Skin Bracer and talk about how confident and sexy it makes him feel is not going to encourage guys to run out and buy some in hopes of getting laid.  If anything, this ad probably makes guys feel pretty damn uneasy since it’s comparable to borrowing a condom off of their grandfather…

Protection, it's the right thing to do, Timmy!

Protection, it’s the right thing to do, Timmy!

No, Skin Bracer’s attempt to get the male population out there lathered up over the idea of smelling like a French whore to feel sexy was as full of epic fail as Gillette’s attempt to get guys to mutilate their manfur.  If only they would have had the vision that Axe did when it went on the market last decade… knowing that the best way to convince men to buy their smelly products was through the visual that if they used Axe’s overly scented toiletries, they just might end up in the middle of some softcore porn scene.

Heck, Axe's creative team does porn better than those who make the real thing!

Heck, Axe’s creative team does porn better than those who make the real thing!

Can simply applying a little aftershave really give you the same sex appeal as a man who starred in his first film during the Truman Administration?  I highly doubt it, though I’m not about to risk contracting a saggy nutsack to find out.  Anyway, we here at The Nest salute Skin Bracer and the confidently sexy Jack Palance for showing us how to properly smell like a man, even if our nose is so clogged up with old man hair that we couldn’t tell it  ourselves.  We may have to beat the babes off of us with our walking cane now… but at least we’re a clean, mean, artificially scented machine thanks to the men’s hygiene company that had one of the best commercial signoffs evah!

Take that, Beatrice!

Take that, Beatrice!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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19 Responses to Bringing Sexy Back, Jack

  1. he is worlds behind your sis! that’s for sure! I’m anyway not a fan or the axe commercials, but as I thought it couldn’t come more worse, I saw the commercial with Brad Pitt for Chanel N°5… uhoh!

    • I had to look that up…. it reminds me of the shitty commercials for Obsession back in the 80’s that made no sense. It’s like bad poetry meets bad advertising… and Jack Palance would’ve still done it better!

  2. They seem to be mightily close to stepping on the toes of the porn industry with many fragrance adverts these days.

    • It’s funny… when the body spray “Bod” first came out about 10 years ago, Mecca included a note that we were not to include the graphic insert that came with the displays for any features we put out because Mecca deemed it too risque. I can’t remember what it looked like, but it’s probably tamer than even those Axe ads are!

  3. The last time I used Axe products there was a riot at the Mecca. I use Skin Bracer now and peace reigns.

  4. Mental Mama says:

    You make good points ES, but… How many ladies are the ones going to the grocery store to get the aftershave for their guys?

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I was trying to remember what teen boys used before Axe to bathe themselves. Now I am remembering, all too well.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Jack was a hawt commodity after he did his one armed push ups at one of the award shows. We were hoping he wouldn’t split his pants.

  7. I love how you have captured “confidence” in Buster. Lynx promises all the boys they will get the girls here. I wondered why it didn’t get a mention but turns out it did but it is marketed as axe there. As you mentioned. 😀

    • I noticed the brand name change when I was looking for some ads for Axe! I have an Axe connection at my message board (the same lady who sent me the Snuggle Bear) and I don’t think she ever mentioned Lynx before. But to be honest, I kinda like that name better… especially since it’s also an animal! 🙂

  8. The Cutter says:

    Abe Vigoda wasn’t available?

    • Heck, George Burns was still alive at the time.

      Funny, I just realized that Vigoda is now the go-to 90-something celeb that Burns used to be when I was growing up. Well, maybe Betty White too, but she doesn’t look a day over 85….

  9. MY husband smells yummy all the time. But I have to order his cologne from one place online because no one sells it anymore. But mm mm good.

    You made me laugh again. You always make me laugh. I like that in a blog.

  10. draliman says:

    Whenever I think “Jack Palance” I think “City Slickers” so I’m not sure I’d buy aftershave he promoted either.
    I should also note that Axe (Lynx in the UK) are liars – I’ve used it for years and never had hoards of women chasing me 😦

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