Ho Ho No!

Holidays and shitty music just seem to go together...

Holidays and shitty music just seem to go together…

random rantThis is my seventeenth December working in the retail hellhole wonderland of Mecca, and as such, I have heard more than my fair share of Christmas music.  If it has Santa Claus, snow, or JHC Himself in it, you can bet I’ve heard it before… and often.  The funny thing about music you don’t like is… if you are forced to listen to it often enough, you can’t help but to start actually taking a fondness to it.  I’ll sing along even to songs I can’t stand, and as you’ve seen in recent Mondays, there are even some holiday songs I would willingly listen to regardless of what time of the year it was…

Ma!  Is it alright if we bring Burl with us to the beach?

Ma! Is it alright if we bring Burl with us to the beach?

But no matter how many times I hear some Christmas songs, there’s just no getting around how completely awful they are.  The more I hear them, the more I want to pop a cap in some happy elf’s ass.  In the interest of equal time for the holiday songs I’m praising in my December editions of Mecca Muzak Mondays, here are five Christmas songs that I wish someone had saved the receipt for so that they can be taken back to Goodwill and put back on the discount rack with Tino


“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” – Any version:

The Mecca CD is chock full of different versions of this holiday standard… even leading off with one of them.  Every single one of them sucks nasty brown reindeer turds.  You know why?

I didn't even make it past the first verse this time...

I didn’t even make it past the first verse this time…

There is no getting around the fact that this is one of the slowest, softest, and most boring Christmas songs in the Book of Noel.  I don’t think it would even be possible to record a version of this song that doesn’t sound like the person singing it is slowly slipping into a persistent vegetative state.  I doubt even Metallica could make this wretched old carol sound cool…

You know what I have in common with Lars Ulrich?  We both sat in Seat 9 on Millionaire within a week of each other.  I shit you not.

You know what I have in common with Lars Ulrich? We both sat in Seat 9 on Millionaire within a week of each other. I shit you not.

If you’re in need of a nap, here’s a link to the YouTube of Judy Garland’s version of the song that I have to listen to every night.

You'll pay for this, my pretty!!!!

You’ll pay for this, my pretty!!!!


“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be late)” – Alvin & the Chipmunks:

I realize this is grabbing at very low hanging fruit since this would have to rank on many others’ most annoying Christmas song lists.  But just like Hitler would have to be included on any list of the naughtiest people in history, the fucking Chipmunk Song has to make any list of holiday tunes that need to die a slow, painful death.

Something even worse than what I put Buster through...

Something even worse than what I put Buster through…

You might say to yourself that it’s rather odd of me, a blogger who has my own cast of cartoon character rodents, to be so mean to the Chipmunks.  While Alvin, Simon and Theodore may get all the fame, fortune and chipmunkettes… there is one quality that Evil Squirrel and the gang will always hold over David Seville’s trio of little nutcases….

MY SQUIRRELS DON’T FUCKING TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least not where you have to listen to their squeaky ass voices...

At least not where you have to listen to their squeaky ass voices…

Sure, you may have a voice in your head for Evil Squirrel as you read his lines whenever he appears in a comic… and not only do you keep that voice to yourself, but I’ll bet it doesn’t sound like someone who sucked an entire helium tank dry.  I don’t know how anyone could even tolerate the Chipmunks cartoons, let alone this cochlea-cracking song that badly needs to be put down like a sweater wearing chipmunk caught in a steel trap….

Sure it sounds cruel... but think of all the lives it would save!

Sure it sounds cruel… but think of all the lives it would save!


“The Twelve Days of Christmas” – Any non parody version:

This endless torture of a carol is to Christmas what “99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall” was to road trips from hell.  The gifts being given in the song are bad enough… I mean, did anyone stop and think for a moment that every present from the eighth day on involves treating human beings like material things?  I thought we had it written into our Constitution 150 years ago that slavery was no longer legal, and people couldn’t be bought or sold anymore… let alone be treated like Chia Pets and given as holiday gifts.

Sorry... the other eleven drummers drumming got the hell out of town once they found out what you had planned for us.

Sorry… the other eleven drummers drumming got the hell out of town once they found out what you had planned for us.

But even ignoring the egregious human rights violations in this carol, whose brilliant idea was it that each gift had to be introduced one at a time… and then the next lousy present couldn’t be named until all of the previous gifts had been repeated.  Listening to this song is like being Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”… only instead of reliving February 2nd over and over again in its entirety, each “new day” you’d only get treated to a couple more minutes than the one before.  It’s a kind of slow torture even the CIA couldn’t dream up…

Look out, Phil.  Six geese a'laying straight ahead.

Look out, Phil. Six geese a’laying straight ahead.

This is actually the version on the Mecca CD, and I stumbled onto it the first try.  Go ahead and listen to it… but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you end up caught in a time loop…


“Santa Baby” – Eartha Kitt version:

I’ll go ahead and say it for the benefit of everyone who doesn’t already know… I can’t stand the Eartha Kitt classic, yet the Madonna version is one of my favorite holiday songs ever…

What... the... fuck, dude?

What… the… fuck, dude?

First off, as a child of the 80’s, I grew up on Madonna’s version of this song.  In fact, up until about 10 years ago, I was totally unaware ANYONE ELSE did this song other than the Material Girl.  So when I kept hearing how “superior” this supposed Eartha Kitt original was to the one that was always near and dear to my heart, I was definitely intrigued.  But in an era before YouTube, I had to wait until it finally crossed my path naturally to satisfy my morbid curiosity… and when it finally did play for me….

Ugh.

Don't worry, Eartha.  You'll always have Catwoman to fall back on.

Don’t worry, Eartha. You’ll always have Catwoman to fall back on.

I guess I just prefer bouncy and bubbly to slow and snoozeworthy seductive whenever I have the choice… and to me, Madonna just owns this song.  Her blonde bimbo take on “Santa Baby” is cute and (UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT!!!) completely unannoying.  I always sing along with the “Ba-doopie-Doos!” with her when it plays on the PA.  Eartha’s take, meanwhile, just lulls me into a coma that keeps me from getting my job done.

Not even Shawn Mullins can write a more boring lullaby...

Not even Shawn Mullins can write a more boring lullaby…

Give me Blonde Ambition any day!


“Feliz Navidad” – Any fucking version:

Surely, you’ve seen this little drawing appear on my blog one or fifteen times in the past…

Guns don't kill people... Shitty Christmas music kills people.

Guns don’t kill people… Shitty Christmas music kills people.

It is no coincidence that I used “Feliz Navidad” as the song coming out of the Mecca speaker as ES goes postal on the muzak.  Many people think the word “hate” is too strong a term to ever use for anything… but in the case of this little Spanglish Christmas classic, it’s not strong enough to describe my feelings.  I absolutely fucking LOATHE this piece of shit, goddamn song!

Thanks for forever ruining Christmas for me, you lousy blind bastard!

Thanks for forever ruining Christmas for me, you lousy blind bastard!

And it isn’t just the Jose Feliciano original that gets on my nerves… there are two other takes on this song included on this year’s Mecca CD, and they both sounds just as awful… maybe even MORE awful… which is a level of awfulness that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible.  The only thing more unbelievable than the fact that Jose thought it’d be funny to sing the same two lines over and over and over again for three whole minutes is the fact that the holiday spirited public actually went batshit crazy over it… making it one of the most popular contemporary holiday songs of all time.

wtf

Seriously! WTF!?!?

At least if this song were entirely in Spanish, I might not realize he’s repeating the same words ad nauseum.  But no, this song’s like those instructions you get included with anything you have to assemble from a big box store… only not as cool because Jose’s song just keeps flipping back and forth between Spanish and English rather than also folding out into Portuguese, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili, and Klingon…

Guaranteed to sound better than Jose Feliciano.

Guaranteed to sound better than Jose Feliciano.

Let’s put these five holiday tunes on the permanent Naughty List… or better yet, an ice floe to eventually sink into the ocean whenever the hell those polar icecaps are finally supposed to melt…

No polar bears or penguins were harmed or decapitated in the making of this post.

No polar bears or penguins were harmed or decapitated in the making of this post.

 

 

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Random Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Ho Ho No!

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Eartha Kitt, while very talented, was too over the top as Catwoman. Even for a show as campy as Batman was.

    Yay, unslaughtered wintery animals!

  2. Just wait until you end up for hours and hours at a skate rink with Christmas music playing to a foxtrot or waltz tempo on an ORGAN in the style of people who haven’t been alive for 30 years (yet they still play that organ music). Talk about wanting to chew your leg off to get out of there. That is what all the iPods in HELL are loaded up with. But in a weird way everyone looks forward to the bad Christmas skate music. It sort of makes everyone happy to be hanging out doing dangerous things on eight wheels, but that is another post about sick and twisted things humans do for fun.

    Then again no matter how bad it is – the day after Thanksgiving the Christmas stations seem to be the only one my family members will listen to on the radio so of course I’m singing along. Last night we did an extra loud version of Feliz Navidad. Everybody get up and dance now! Oh well.

    • Hmmmm… I might even tolerate the schmaltzy Christmas music for another crack at those old time skating parties! I’ll bet I could still do it without falling on my ass….

      I always figured those all-holiday stations existed solely for businesses too cheap to get a satellite radio feed of Christmas cheer to play over their speakers… people actually listen to those of their own free will!!?!? My faith in humanity…… sigh! Bring on Feliz National Squirrel Appreciation Day!

  3. The Cutter says:

    My aunt-in-law used to always play this horribly depressing Christmas CD at Christmas dinner every year. Eventually we had to buy her a couple of new CDs just so we could get something a little livelier. And yes, I think the Chipmunks were included.

    • Ugh… I don’t think I’d want to be listening to the Chipmunk song in a room full of people with sharp knives at their disposal. You never know when it might send someone over the brink of sanity….

  4. Maxmatt says:

    what christmas song would you give the skunks?

  5. I dislike the voices of this sh*t-munks, to inhale helium is a sin of the 90’s :o)

  6. Mental Mama says:

    The only version of Feliz Navidad that I can tolerate is the one by Bowling for Soup.

    • Ha! One of these days, I’m going to do a Random Rant on how much I hate the song “1985”. I guess I should check out their version of Feliz… but I’m not holding my breath it’ll sound less repetitious than all the other version…

  7. draliman says:

    Chipmunk hater 😦
    It is weird how listening to a crap song enough times engenders a kind of fondness!

  8. TC Conner says:

    In defense of holiday classics, and you’ll probably crack my squirrel nuts for saying this, but I love all those you mentioned!

  9. Don’t hold back. Please, tell us what you REALLY feel! I notice that much as we think we like Christmas music around here, we don’t actually listen to it, except in context of a movie. We watched “Holiday Inn” and thus also heard “White Christmas.” Twice or was it three times?

    We watched “Meet Me In St. Louis” and thus heard “Have yourself a merry little Christmas,” which makes a lot more sense in context than it does any other way. Otherwise, the Pops version of 12 Days is hilarious because the song IS hilarious … but what they do to it goes beyond parody and hits some kind of new level. Brings down the house, too. In fact, my featured post of tomorrow is all about those beknighted 12 days. I think it’s tomorrow. Or maybe it’s the day after? Who can remember.

    I think I’ll go wrap something. No, wait, I need to finish watching this movie …

    • I didn’t originally label this post as a “Random Rant”… but after doing my cursory proofread before publishing it, I took note of how many F bombs and other slightly off color words I used, and decided it just might be a rant…

      I do enjoy humorous versions of 12 Days… the McKenzie Brothers version comes to mind… but sung straight up, it’s just one horrifically bad song!

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