What’s Your Sign?

Oh look... a Rainbow Donkey card!

Oh look… a Rainbow Donkey card!

Like most kids when they’re young, I wound up getting dragged along to the grocery store by my Mom quite a bit.  Apparently, leaving 8 year olds home alone with a handful of baby sisters was frowned upon back in the day.  This was also a more innocent time when hyperactive little imps like me were merely labeled as fucking bastards problem children and were not put in special classes and given Ritalin IV’s.

This is a much better solution to the problem.

This is a much better solution to the problem.

Being a bored little kid with a short attention span, wandering through aisle after aisle while Mom got the crap she was going to make for dinner was not exactly what I wanted to be doing.  Since they didn’t have leashes for kids in the 80’s, I often wandered off… especially while my Mom was in the checkout line.  I’d manually open the automatic doors for customers coming in and out, even at the cost of a finger or two.  I was always getting trapped inside the bagged ice cooler and in need of rescue by frustrated store employees…

HELP!  I'm turning into a bifurcated popsicle in here!

HELP! I’m turning into a bifurcated popsicle in here!

And when I wasn’t in the mood for some death defying stunt, I would play around with all the vending machines every grocery store had in the front.  Pressing the buttons on the soda machines, turning the knobs on the gum and candy dispensers… and spinning the wheel round and round on my absolute favorite contraption in the whole store!

The perfect form of entertainment for the bored child.

The perfect form of entertainment for the bored child.

The supermarket my Mom always shopped at had one of these Starscroll vending machines that would give you a little roll of paper with your personal horoscope for a couple coins.  I had no idea what in the hell a horoscope or a zodiac or any of that astrology stuff was at the time… I just loved spinning the wheel around and seeing what pretty color would come up in the opening on the bottom.  It was like having my own game of Wheel of Fortune!

Without having to solve the stupid puzzle.

Without having to solve the stupid puzzle.

I never grew out of having a ball spinning the Starscroll wheel around… in fact, the only way they managed to stop me was by closing down the store in the mid 90’s.  Over time, I eventually began to notice a connection between the strange words and symbols on that machine, and the daily horoscopes that appeared in the same section of our newspaper as the comics.  And then I began to wonder why anyone would want to stick 50 cents in a machine to hear the same thing they can get from Sydney Omarr in the paper…

Astrologer to the stars... and personally recommended by none other than Regis Philbin!

Astrologer to the stars… and personally recommended by none other than Regis Philbin!

After all, shouldn’t all astrologers be on the same page if they’re looking at the same stars to tell you how you’re going to fuck up your love life next?  But I’d occasionally read Sydney’s column, and pay no nevermind to the hilarious instances where the horoscope for a person whose birthday was that day would horribly conflict with the general prediction for their sign.  Mixed messages like this would never happen in the fortune telling world, right?

I'll stick to getting my predictions from reliable sources... like televangelists.

I’ll stick to getting my predictions from reliable sources… like televangelists.

It was almost pitiful when the paper started adding the equivalent of a Surgeon General’s warning at the beginning of the horoscope column to remind readers that the advice being given was merely for entertainment purposes only, and should not be used as a means for making important life decisions, unless you happen to be the President of the United States.

Your wife's astrologer told me to tear down what wall!?!?!

Your wife’s astrologer told me to tear down what wall!?!?!

Obviously, I’m one of those people who think astrology’s a bunch of bunk… but it remains immensely popular even in this day of reason because it is nevertheless quite fascinating.  To think that the position of the sun and moon in the sky at the exact moment we leave the Vaginal Projects could have a profound influence on who we are and what will happen to us!  Just the fact that there are charts and centuries old interpretation techniques in order to give every person their own unique astrological profile is almost as cool as the fact that there is an entire language built around a race of fictional aliens…

Type "klingon" into the Klingon to English translator, and "dingleberry" will pop up.

Type “klingon” into the Klingon to English translator, and “dingleberry” will pop up.

Five years ago, I created a project where I drew a picture with one of my critters and a few factoids about each of the 12 signs of the zodiac.  It was quite interesting to read the general personality traits assigned to each of the twelve sun signs and how well they seemed to almost universally fit a lot of the people I knew.  Although that’s the beauty that keeps astrology from getting dumped into the nearest trash can along with all those Scientology celebrities… horoscopes are generally so vaguely written, that you can almost always find a way to apply them to your daily life…. or find a way they fall totally flat if you’re so inclined.  There are several ways my sign fits me… and then there are just as many traits that don’t.

For example... unlike most Cancers, I am NOT nurturing.

For example… unlike most Cancers, I am NOT nurturing.

Anyway, as a non-believer who is nonetheless intrigued by the whole concept of the zodiac, I have decided to do my own tribute to the twelve signs we know and love as my new Friday project here at The Nest!  I think I can assure you that unlike my previous Friday series, this one will obviously have a fixed limit and only last about three months.

Unless C.K. Hope's fire breathing and unbreathing dragon decides I should also include the Chinese counterpart.

Unless C.K. Hope‘s fire breathing and unbreathing dragon decides I should also include the Chinese counterpart.

As usual, you will get The Nest’s patented formula of both an informative and completely fucked up take on each of the zodiac signs.  After all of the wonderful features I had on my blog in 2014, I hope the first project of ’15 will be just as much of a hit with you all!  I’ll be back next Friday to ram the first sign down your throat!

I hope that bad pun got your goat...

I hope that bad pun got your goat…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in The Zodiac and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to What’s Your Sign?

  1. They did have leashes in the 80’s. Well, they were more like a body harness, but if the kid had a tantrum and laid on the ground, it was like trying to drag a bag of cement. Heh.

  2. merbear74 says:

    My dad sold those at the flea market. 🙂

  3. I nearly lost my fingers in such a door, seems all kid’s of the 80’s had the same ideas (and there was no law to use leashes). I loved the shoe polishing machine we had in one of our malls. Sadly that darned thingy was haunted and my brandnew white adidas sneake turned black :o(

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    So, if I am remembering this correctly, my sign is always at the end of the “year”.

    See you in three months? 😉

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    As we leave the Vaginal Projects…Bahahaha. This is going to be hilarious. I have nothing in common with my sun sign but everything in common with my moon sign. Although the date of my birth calls me “The cryptic secret keeper”. Lol. Love the pun.

    • I think my moon was more accurate as well… though I can’t remember which traits that fit me went with which sign. I do recall thinking once I found out what I am that there couldn’t be a more pussified combo to have than my Cancer/Virgo sun/moon….

      • 1jaded1 says:

        Mine is Leo/Scorpio… I went to an astrologer who said that is the combo of the f*cked up, but “not you of course…five dollars please.” Should have just bought the starscroll.

  6. TC Conner says:

    Is there really no value on astrological signs? I’m bummed.

  7. TC Conner says:

    Is it “on” or “in?”

  8. My brother and I got to accompany Mom to the grocery store too, but we were evil. We would try to see how much junk food we could sneak into the cart. We also liked to pretend that she had kidnapped us and was making us grocery shop against our will. We were rotten. Hodge and Podge were both born in October. I looked it up for the first time and all three of us are Scorpios. How funny! I’m looking forward to this series. It will be hilarious.

  9. fanrosa says:

    Yay!!!1 Says someone who actually used to do charts for people….

    And what do you mean three months??? Sure, for the sun signs. Then you’ve got the moon signs (my moon is in Scorpio, as if you couldn’t guess) and the ascendants and ….

    (Yes, I know that there’s no reason to put this here since you already read the comment on the “wrong” post. But it will drive me crazy if it’s not on the right post! Which must be that over-achieving rising goat talking…..ha!)

    • YAY for OCD!!!

      The series is gonna focus as much (maybe more) on the symbols of the signs themselves as their astrological significance, so it would get redundant for solar/lunar/Mojo rising…

      Baaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

  10. markbialczak says:

    My father read all the astrology books when I was getting out of high school and he told me I was totally in line with my Saggitarius sign and I said, “no f***king way, pops, do I believe that s**t, I’m going away to college and never coming home again,” and he said, see, rebelious and foul-mouthed and adventerous.

    I can’t wait for this short, little, self-contained three-month Friday series, Squirrel!

  11. JackieP says:

    Now this should be interesting. Supposedly I’m a Virgo with Leo tendencies. Whatever the hell that means. Had mine ‘professionally’ done once when I was a teenager. That’s what it said. It also said I would move a lot and have many adventures. Well, that part sure came true! 😉

    Looking forward to this!

  12. So a solid thunk on the back of the head can solve hyperactivity? Nope, can’t allow that. It would put several drug companies out of business. Not a properly American solution. It’s for the good of the people. Load those little buggers up with drugs. THEN they can fall down unconscious 🙂 Happy Boxing Day!

  13. draliman says:

    I love that there’s a warning on horoscope columns 🙂
    It’s a shame they had to close down an entire shop to get rid of you and your wheel-spinning ways, but if that’s what it takes…

  14. youngatfifty says:

    astrology predicted by evil squirrels …. splendid !! Cant wait for the Friday series 🙂

    Reading your post, reminded me of a nephew of mine who visited our brand new flat for our house warming ceremony. The 4 year old brat, took a mop hidden behind a door and went brandishing with glee claiming he was going to break every light in the house !!! Being the host, I chased the guy politely to a dark corner of the house and threatened him with dire consequences !! Out from the dark corner, he grabbed his dad’s plate full of savouries and spread the half eaten crumbs all over the floor. He was such a painful imp that day !!! Today I learn he is a big software wiz kid in your country 🙂 Fear not, his energies now are turned to apparently positive things in life 😀

  15. Your astrology series will be much prettier than Klingons on Uranus. I don’t believe but at the same time find it fascinating. I do however believe some people have more empathy, compassion and insight than others and these qualities combined could possibly present at psychic. I have a friend who seems to get premonitions and I have known her since University. A very sensible person. I think it is important to keep an open mind, welcome good, shun evil and above all HAVE FUN!!!! . Qapla’ to your new project. I am Libra.
    ps. You just didn’t get enough or the right kind of intellectual stimulation as a kid. At least they didn’t drug you though.

    • If I’d have just had the big zodiac wheel to spin around all the time, I’d have been a model child! I have hands that like to constantly be doing something… so long as that something is not productive!

  16. The Cutter says:

    Didnt they move around the signs a couple of years ago, saying the dates were all wrong?

  17. tmitsss says:

    Next year I am giving homeopathic gifts. If you are lucky you might get the box my Ipad came in,

  18. Could you make sure and tell all if us of the Gemini persuasion that we’re going to get an Xbox one in 2015 🙂 lol

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