Like most kids when they’re young, I wound up getting dragged along to the grocery store by my Mom quite a bit. Apparently, leaving 8 year olds home alone with a handful of baby sisters was frowned upon back in the day. This was also a more innocent time when hyperactive little imps like me were merely labeled as
fucking bastards problem children and were not put in special classes and given Ritalin IV’s.
Being a bored little kid with a short attention span, wandering through aisle after aisle while Mom got the crap she was going to make for dinner was not exactly what I wanted to be doing. Since they didn’t have leashes for kids in the 80’s, I often wandered off… especially while my Mom was in the checkout line. I’d manually open the automatic doors for customers coming in and out, even at the cost of a finger or two. I was always getting trapped inside the bagged ice cooler and in need of rescue by frustrated store employees…
And when I wasn’t in the mood for some death defying stunt, I would play around with all the vending machines every grocery store had in the front. Pressing the buttons on the soda machines, turning the knobs on the gum and candy dispensers… and spinning the wheel round and round on my absolute favorite contraption in the whole store!
The supermarket my Mom always shopped at had one of these Starscroll vending machines that would give you a little roll of paper with your personal horoscope for a couple coins. I had no idea what in the hell a horoscope or a zodiac or any of that astrology stuff was at the time… I just loved spinning the wheel around and seeing what pretty color would come up in the opening on the bottom. It was like having my own game of Wheel of Fortune!
I never grew out of having a ball spinning the Starscroll wheel around… in fact, the only way they managed to stop me was by closing down the store in the mid 90’s. Over time, I eventually began to notice a connection between the strange words and symbols on that machine, and the daily horoscopes that appeared in the same section of our newspaper as the comics. And then I began to wonder why anyone would want to stick 50 cents in a machine to hear the same thing they can get from Sydney Omarr in the paper…
After all, shouldn’t all astrologers be on the same page if they’re looking at the same stars to tell you how you’re going to fuck up your love life next? But I’d occasionally read Sydney’s column, and pay no nevermind to the hilarious instances where the horoscope for a person whose birthday was that day would horribly conflict with the general prediction for their sign. Mixed messages like this would never happen in the fortune telling world, right?
It was almost pitiful when the paper started adding the equivalent of a Surgeon General’s warning at the beginning of the horoscope column to remind readers that the advice being given was merely for entertainment purposes only, and should not be used as a means for making important life decisions, unless you happen to be the President of the United States.
Obviously, I’m one of those people who think astrology’s a bunch of bunk… but it remains immensely popular even in this day of reason because it is nevertheless quite fascinating. To think that the position of the sun and moon in the sky at the exact moment we leave the Vaginal Projects could have a profound influence on who we are and what will happen to us! Just the fact that there are charts and centuries old interpretation techniques in order to give every person their own unique astrological profile is almost as cool as the fact that there is an entire language built around a race of fictional aliens…
Five years ago, I created a project where I drew a picture with one of my critters and a few factoids about each of the 12 signs of the zodiac. It was quite interesting to read the general personality traits assigned to each of the twelve sun signs and how well they seemed to almost universally fit a lot of the people I knew. Although that’s the beauty that keeps astrology from getting dumped into the nearest trash can along with all those Scientology celebrities… horoscopes are generally so vaguely written, that you can almost always find a way to apply them to your daily life…. or find a way they fall totally flat if you’re so inclined. There are several ways my sign fits me… and then there are just as many traits that don’t.
Anyway, as a non-believer who is nonetheless intrigued by the whole concept of the zodiac, I have decided to do my own tribute to the twelve signs we know and love as my new Friday project here at The Nest! I think I can assure you that unlike my previous Friday series, this one will obviously have a fixed limit and only last about three months.
As usual, you will get The Nest’s patented formula of both an informative and completely fucked up take on each of the zodiac signs. After all of the wonderful features I had on my blog in 2014, I hope the first project of ’15 will be just as much of a hit with you all! I’ll be back next Friday to ram the first sign down your throat!