Ladies and gentlecritters, boys and squirrels, welcome to Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s presentation of the third annual Sandy Awards! One of the most prestigious ceremonies on all of WordPress, the Sandys honor the best, the funniest, and the most fucked up search terms typed in by real internet users that somehow led them to The Nest in the previous calendar year. The Sandy Award is so named due to the abundance of searches in The Nest’s early days by fans of Rule 34 looking for naughty images of Spongebob’s squirrel under glass Sandy Cheeks that redirected those preves to my blog. The 2012 and 2013 shows were quite a hoot, and I certainly hope this year’s presentation will also have you rolling in the red carpeted aisles!
We have another most excellent show lined up for you this year! Along with the presentation of this year’s Sandy Award winners, we have the usual star studded cast of entertainers lined up to keep you from dozing off in your chair. Mark Bialczak and Regis Philbin will reenact the scene from Lethal Weapon 2 involving a bomb and a toilet, Sheena will amaze you by attempting to build the tallest Lego structure ever only to see Pigpool take it all down with one nasty chimichanga fart, and Mattmax will deliver a stirring tribute to the unadulterated beauty of skunk spray while Hottie and Hooly throw rotten eggs at him from the balcony…
Let’s get on with the show, shall we? I saved the most awesome search terms logged on my Stats page (which was FINE JUST THE WAY IT WAS, WordPress….) over the past 365 days, and culled that list down to the best of the best for this post. I then divided those search terms into several categories, and for each category I will present all of the honorable mentions along with my usual witty, sarcastic commentary before revealing the one term that will be that category’s Sandy winner. Then, at the end of the show, I’ll choose the one term that I thought was the best overall and award it the Best Search Sandy for 2014! All of the bolded terms you see below were really entered by someone into a search engine sometime this past year, leading that person to The Nest!
Got it? Good, let’s get
retarded it started!!! And we’ll lead off with my customary first category of the night, honoring those who were brave enough to ask the internet a stupid question!
The internet is all about
porn learning, and the best way to acquire knowledge is by asking questions. But these are the kind of queries that would have gotten you sent to the principal’s office if you’d asked them in your first grade class…
is there such a thing as squirrel nip? – Have you seen how squirrels act under normal circumstances? Squirrel nip is about as unnecessary as a male aphrodisiac.
who buys fanklin mint civil war chess sets? – Only people who enjoy spending $500 on something they can’t actually use.
can you swear on your greeting on a answer machine? – Sure! Nothing says “greeting” like a few choice, vulgar words directed to those who have the nerve to call you, like bill collectors… your parents…. your boss… your girlfriend….
did we lose a couple of minutes during this year’s daylight saving time change? – Yes we did… the couple of minutes it took us to set all of our fucking clocks an hour back.
how many horns does a quadricorn have? – Write your IQ on the blackboard, then add four. That’s how many horns a quadricorn has.
why are cheetos bad for squirrels? – Because anything that attracts crazy cheetahs should be avoided at all costs.
And the award goes to…..
what the hell does boots and pants mean in geico commercial? – It means that Geico took 15 minutes to save 15% on its advertising budget by switching to an ad firm staffed only by monkeys who think with that big growth that hangs off of their asses.
Time to see what happens when fame and fortune meet the squalor of The Nest…
Ever try to search for someone famous, but wound up on a squirrel blog instead? Don’t feel bad, it happened to these people too…
darius sucks –
malibu barbie linda blair – Careful not to spit up pea soup while riding in your hot pink convertible.
pabst spuds mckenzie – No wonder Bud Light phased Spuds out. It had nothing to do with him appealing to underage drinkers… he was drooling for the other team.
the cutest goonie – No contest.
And the award goes to….
dazz band white member – I mentioned being amused over how seemingly every R&B band from the disco era had a token white member. In this musical world of reverse affirmative action, the white guy could be blamed by the rest of the group for coming up with all of the shitty songs. Next time I post something on my blog that sucks possum ass, I’m going to blame it on the white guy from The Dazz Band…
It’s time to put on our language arts swastikas and honor those who couldn’t afford Spellcheck…
Presenting the only category where spelling and grammar really do count! Let’s see who all made their English teachers prowd…
story involving a rat, squirrel and donkey in kannada – We have ourselves a real straight A student here! Not only did you fail English, but Geography as well!
does a squirrel really no worry buried is not – If there is one thing we should have the United Nations universalize in every language in the world, it is syntax. I’m sure this made plenty of sense when someone originally typed this into a translator in Klingon.
does febreeze deter squirrels – No, but squirrels definitely avoid people who can’t even spell the name of the product correctly.
are squrials out at night – No, because that’s when all of the poor spellers come out of the wodwurk…
why do squirlls do flips and act crazy – Because nobody knows how to fucking spell the word SQUIRREL!!!!
And the award goes to…..
do squirrels mean good are evil – Of course! Good always means evil at The Nest, and evil is good. Hooray for contradictions!
Time to reach for the emergency eye bleach under your seats, as we explore the searches for the truly scary…
Don’t look Ethel!!!!
mold from squirrels nest –
squirrel butt problems – Have you ever tried to climb a tree before with a hemorrhoid chafing against all of that bark? This is no laughing matter, nor is it suitable for Google Image Search.
balding studmuffins – Sorry, you were looking for Match.com…
And the award goes to….
atomic udders – If you think the milk you drink now is unhealthy and full of bizarre hormones, try a little of the organic plutonium lactating out of these teats!
And now to help out those who may have really been seeking out a squirrel blog…
You’d expect The Nest to attract some sciurine related searches, and boy did we get some dandies….
why do squirrels squeak – Because even squirrels get a little rusty sometimes.
can squirrels drink coke
is dr pepper bad for squirrels
will energy drinks kill a squirrel – Three separate searches by people who apparently want to know if it’s okie dokey to give their squirrels a jolt of caffeine is somewhat disturbing. Trust me, you don’t want any YOLOing squirrels going batshit crazy in your backyard…
a squirrel is flip flopping in my yard, what’s going on – You didn’t listen to me, did you? Red Bull and squirrels don’t mix!
how to get rid of squirrels eating cushions – Um….. get rid of the cushions? Remove the food source, and you remove the pest.
squirrel is making a nest in ac and my ac is not working what to do – Either get it fixed or roast your ass off. Damn, was everyone searching for squirrel stuff this year a special kind of stupid or something?
just because your paranoid doesn’t mean ninja squirrels aren’t out to get you – I would think someone who’s paranoid would already think ninja squirrels were out to get them…
And the award goes to…
the cool world of squirrels – Well, finally! Someone is making some sense in this category! Let’s hear it for the cool world of squirrels!
The show’s starting to exceed its allotted time, and rather than cut out a few commercial breaks, we’ll just cancel the planned footrace between Running Heartless and Rainbow Donkey. Let’s move on instead to the category that will destroy your faith in humanity…
What is the matter with these people… other than the fact that they turned to a squirrel blog for advice?
skunk opossum hybrid – Well, that would be one way to discourage me from squishing Buster so much…
different ways to cook squirrel –
pikachu on meth – Aren’t there enough stories of celebrity drug addiction on VH1? Can we at least keep the world of Pokemon from turning into a Breaking Bad episode?
did snuggle commercials give kids nightmares? – What do you think?
real millionaires don’t use grey poupon – Real millionaires also don’t bum mustard off of the stranger who pulled up next to them.
smallest room at empire hotel in nyc – That would be Room 607.
And the award goes to….
are my buddy dolls from hell – I don’t think they are…. but Kid Sister. That bitch is nothing but pure evil…
Time to put the kiddies to bed and check your prudeness at the door…
Always a Sandys favorite, let’s see what the fine, upstanding fetish freaks were searching for this year with their one free hand…
pictures of squirrel butts – Squirrels are not exactly known for their fine, fuzzy booties. But if you’re all about that furry bass, well, have at it…
nuns from hell fucking donkeys –
sparklepussy.com – Copycats!
why does icdc college commercial has woman showing so much cleavage – Were you not aware ICDC is one of the top party schools around? How else are they going to recruit disgusting frat boys away from the more prestigious state universities?
donkey hot dick – Gotta get it out of the nun from hell’s mouth first…
on youtube i would like to see the cartoon the flintstones all of them totally naked – Well, that would bring a new meaning to the phrase, “Barney! My pebbles!!!”
And the award goes to….
mcdonalds buttplug – The only question is… do you have to buy the boys or girls Happy Meal to get one?
Wow, where does the time go? The show’s only nine hours old, and we’re already to our final category of the night! But it’s everyone’s favorite…
Yes, it’s time to honor the searches that made sense to exactly one person in this world. If you have any idea what these people were looking for, please, for the sake of everyone… just keep it to yourself!
what is the toast for dick – Girls, I really don’t think I need to tell you this… but if a guy is buying champagne to toast his wiener, you may want to find an excuse to end the date early.
squirrel nest glue – Because no squirrel should belong to a broken home…
squirrel defogger – I want to know exactly where in the world squirrels fogging up is a problem.
my little pony cpr – Because not even unicorn magic can save you in the event of cardiac arrest.
what was the comedy skit they shouted sing stray cats –
pussy hamburger pics – There’ll be no holding the pickle on this order.
And the award goes to…
does the nest beep – Yes, but only when it’s going in reverse.
Well, now that it’s taken this long to get you all warmed up… it’s time for the thrilling climax of tonight’s festivities! The awarding of the Best Search Sandy!
There were so many great search terms that came in to The Nest this year, and so many more lazily classified as “Unknown” by WordPress that would have probably brought the house down. But I have managed to choose one that clearly stands head and shoulders above the rest, and is easily the best search term that brought someone to Evil Squirrel’s nest in 2014! And the winner is………..
can you make a tooth pick from a possum penis? – We at Nest HQ were left deliriously running wild through the house when this amazing search term popped up on our stats page in early December. It is without a doubt the greatest search in the entire three year history of this blog! But in all seriousness, it is a good question that you may not have considered before. After all, there are many practical uses for the amazing bifurcated possum penis. What say you, Buster?
Wellllllllll, I think before we get fined into bankruptcy by the FCC for that gratuitous display of marsupial indecency, we better go ahead and drop the curtain on this year’s show. I hope you enjoyed the awards presentation, and let’s hope that 2015 brings many, many more fucked up searches to The Nest’s front doors…. assuming WordPress will let us keep seeing what visitors were searching for in the coming year, that is….