It’s time for the second entry in my Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac series featuring all of the astrological BS you can stand in one week! After prodding all those testy rams out there last week, this time we’re going to get even braver and wave a big red flag in front of a bunch of bulls!
Yes, two of this blog’s main characters are hoof scraping, nose snorting little bullies! Evil Squirrel (April 25) and Buster (May 16) both fall in the range of Taurus, and they will be my representatives for the sign of the bull today. With apologies to Lil (May 10), and…. well….
That’s Fanny from my message board, who you see comment here from time to time. She was my go-to bull for the Taurus pic in my 2010 zodiac project, but since she’s only gets the occasional cameo in one of my comics (1, 2, 3, 4), she’ll have to watch ES and Buster take her place… and given my take on the zodiac, maybe that’s for the best. You know I still love you, Fanny!
OK, now that the
lame excuses apologies are out of the way, let’s see what our favorite stoner zodiac site has to say about Taurus!
The coming of Taurus means that Spring is in full bloom, lasting from about April 20 to May 20 of each year. Taurus is represented by the bull… making this the second straight astrological sign to be symbolized by a male animal. How are we still allowing such blatant sexism these days? Clean up your act, astrologers!
The symbol for Taurus is a circle with a pair of curved horns protruding up and outward in both directions from the top. Taurus would make a nice set of handlebars…
Taurus is the first of the three earth signs of the zodiac. That means Taurus loves to get down and dirty.
Taurus is represented on the human body by the neck. Taurus loves a good neck rub…
So what is the typical personality of a Taurus?
Taurus is fittingly bullheaded and stubborn. If a Taurus thinks the sky is green, you will never be able to convince them that it is really purple.
Taurus likes to do things their own way, and doesn’t want anyone springing silly changes on them. If Taurus had a blog, they would hate WordPress’ incessant meddling with the control panel features.
Taurus is strong and persistent. Taurus is not going to give up until they go down with the captain, the band, and Leonardo DiCaprio.
Taurus doesn’t like to be told what to do. Taurus firmly believes in the phrase “My way or the highway,” and will get the results they want even if it takes them all night, or kills them. Taurus would make an excellent employee so long as you left them the fuck alone.
Looking for a little Taurus love?
Well, I hope you got plenty of time on your hands, because Taurus isn’t about to rush into your bed just because you bought them a drink or sexted them a picture of your Rocky Mountain oysters. Taurus takes their time in building romantic relationships. Taurus is searching for the right person to love for the long haul… so if you’re looking for a fling, you better go look for someone on the other end of the zodiac…
And of course, we can’t leave out the fun part…
Sex With Taurus: They are passionate lovers. They have lots of physical stamina and this makes up for the lack of variety in the sex life.
So sex with a Taurus can be pretty damn boring, and yet still take all night long to finish. No wonder they castrate bulls…
Well, now that I’ve ensured all the Tauruses out there will stubbornly send me sternly worded hate mail, let’s look for Taurus in the world around us!
Taurus can be found in the same town as Da Bears…
Have you driven a Taurus lately?
Taurus can be found on Wall Street…. sometimes!
Watch it now! Taurus will get you while you’re listening to the 60’s oldies station!
Taurus could be found in classic 80’s sitcoms…
Taurus will even cut your grass for you!
And if you’re
stupid brave enough, every July, you can have fun mingling with lots of new Taurus friends in Pamplona, Spain.
And finally, for all of you bulls out there in the process of sharpening your horns, here’s your very own Evil Squirrel horoscope for today:
It’s going to be yet another fun and exciting day… well, it would be if you weren’t a Taurus. You’ve got more important Tauruslike things to do that don’t involve our real time, spontaneous world. Your Aries boss is going to try to interfere in your latest project, but you know they’re an asshole, don’t listen to them. Aquarius and Pisces want to invite you over to a Tupperware party this weekend, but don’t be fooled. You know damn good and well they’re really selling sex toys, and Taurus doesn’t need anal beads or edible dildos to have a good time. Now would be the perfect time to get down to your earthly roots and plant a garden. Who cares if it’s two degrees above zero outside? Persevere, Taurus! You can do it! Even if your Leo neighbor laughs in your face, just call them a bitch/prick and don’t offer them any of your prized glowing potatoes after you reap the
fruits vegetables of your labor! That will teach them to underestimate the power of the bull. Snort, baby, snort! Your lucky numbers: 13, 21, 38, 666, 1999, and one metric fuckton.
Join me again next Friday for a post that promises to be twice as nice!