Taurus

taurus buster es

es zodiacIt’s time for the second entry in my Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac series featuring all of the astrological BS you can stand in one week!  After prodding all those testy rams out there last week, this time we’re going to get even braver and wave a big red flag in front of a bunch of bulls!

Yes, two of this blog’s main characters are hoof scraping, nose snorting little bullies!  Evil Squirrel (April 25) and Buster (May 16) both fall in the range of Taurus, and they will be my representatives for the sign of the bull today.  With apologies to Lil (May 10), and…. well….

taurus

That’s Fanny from my message board, who you see comment here from time to time.  She was my go-to bull for the Taurus pic in my 2010 zodiac project, but since she’s only gets the occasional cameo in one of my comics (1, 2, 3, 4), she’ll have to watch ES and Buster take her place… and given my take on the zodiac, maybe that’s for the best.  You know I still love you, Fanny!

I am NOT amused one bit...

I am NOT amused one bit…

OK, now that the lame excuses apologies are out of the way, let’s see what our favorite stoner zodiac site has to say about Taurus!

The coming of Taurus means that Spring is in full bloom, lasting from about April 20 to May 20 of each year.  Taurus is represented by the bull… making this the second straight astrological sign to be symbolized by a male animal.  How are we still allowing such blatant sexism these days?  Clean up your act, astrologers!

Moo.

Moo.

The symbol for Taurus is a circle with a pair of curved horns protruding up and outward in both directions from the top.  Taurus would make a nice set of handlebars…

Picasso thought of this, and I didn't.  That's why he has more blog followers than I do.

Picasso thought of this, and I didn’t. That’s why he has more blog followers than I do.

Taurus is the first of the three earth signs of the zodiac.  That means Taurus loves to get down and dirty.

A couple of happy bulls.

A couple of happy bulls.

Taurus is represented on the human body by the neck.  Taurus loves a good neck rub…

Desperately seeking Taurus.

Spock’s desperately seeking Taurus.

So what is the typical personality of a Taurus?

Taurus is fittingly bullheaded and stubborn.  If a Taurus thinks the sky is green, you will never be able to convince them that it is really purple.

idol paula simon squirrel

Taurus thinks you were utterly appalling, Aretha.

Taurus likes to do things their own way, and doesn’t want anyone springing silly changes on them.  If Taurus had a blog, they would hate WordPress’ incessant meddling with the control panel features.

We are all Taurus!

We are all Taurus!

Taurus is strong and persistent.  Taurus is not going to give up until they go down with the captain, the band, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Taurus is not abandoning ship until he finally wins a game of shuffleboard!

Taurus is not abandoning ship until he finally wins a game of shuffleboard!

Taurus doesn’t like to be told what to do.  Taurus firmly believes in the phrase “My way or the highway,” and will get the results they want even if it takes them all night, or kills them.  Taurus would make an excellent employee so long as you left them the fuck alone.

Someone's about to get a Renuzit up the ass...

Someone’s about to get a Renuzit up the ass…

Looking for a little Taurus love?

fat possum

Yummy yummy!

Well, I hope you got plenty of time on your hands, because Taurus isn’t about to rush into your bed just because you bought them a drink or sexted them a picture of your Rocky Mountain oysters.  Taurus takes their time in building romantic relationships.  Taurus is searching for the right person to love for the long haul… so if you’re looking for a fling, you better go look for someone on the other end of the zodiac…

We've been dating for 10 years now, Angel.  I think it's time to let you know about my bifurcated penis.

We’ve been dating for 10 years now, Angel. I think it’s time to let you know about my bifurcated penis.

And of course, we can’t leave out the fun part…

Sex With Taurus:  They are passionate lovers. They have lots of physical stamina and this makes up for the lack of variety in the sex life.

So sex with a Taurus can be pretty damn boring, and yet still take all night long to finish.  No wonder they castrate bulls…

This is for the good of the all critterkind, Mr. Squirrel.

This is for the good of the all critterkind, Mr. Squirrel.

Well, now that I’ve ensured all the Tauruses out there will stubbornly send me sternly worded hate mail, let’s look for Taurus in the world around us!

Taurus can be found in the same town as Da Bears…

Come on guys, it'll be fun to play in North Korea!  All we have to do is let the little fat guy win and we won't get hanged.

Come on guys, it’ll be fun to play in North Korea! All we have to do is let the little fat guy win and we won’t get hanged.

Have you driven a Taurus lately?

Dick Trickle drove a Taurus, and so should you!

Dick Trickle drove a Taurus, and so should you!

Taurus can be found on Wall Street…. sometimes!

Occupy the bull!

Occupy Taurus!

Watch it now!  Taurus will get you while you’re listening to the 60’s oldies station!

Taurus could be found in classic 80’s sitcoms…

I am NOT stubborn, Your Honor!

I am NOT stubborn, Your Honor!

Taurus will even cut your grass for you!

I so need one of those... the tractor, not the kid.

I so need one of those… the tractor, not the kid.

And if you’re stupid brave enough, every July, you can have fun mingling with lots of new Taurus friends in Pamplona, Spain.

Ohhhhh, I think that's gonna leave a mark.

Ohhhhh, I think that’s gonna leave a mark.

And finally, for all of you bulls out there in the process of sharpening your horns, here’s your very own Evil Squirrel horoscope for today:

It’s going to be yet another fun and exciting day… well, it would be if you weren’t a Taurus.  You’ve got more important Tauruslike things to do that don’t involve our real time, spontaneous world.  Your Aries boss is going to try to interfere in your latest project, but you know they’re an asshole, don’t listen to them.  Aquarius and Pisces want to invite you over to a Tupperware party this weekend, but don’t be fooled.  You know damn good and well they’re really selling sex toys, and Taurus doesn’t need anal beads or edible dildos to have a good time.  Now would be the perfect time to get down to your earthly roots and plant a garden.  Who cares if it’s two degrees above zero outside?  Persevere, Taurus!  You can do it!  Even if your Leo neighbor laughs in your face, just call them a bitch/prick and don’t offer them any of your prized glowing potatoes after you reap the fruits vegetables of your labor!  That will teach them to underestimate the power of the bull.  Snort, baby, snort!  Your lucky numbers: 13, 21, 38, 666, 1999, and one metric fuckton.

Who'd have guessed Taurus was its own worst enemy?

Who’d have guessed Taurus was its own worst enemy?

Join me again next Friday for a post that promises to be twice as nice!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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28 Responses to Taurus

  1. haha a green sky… but it fits to that taurus guys. no wonder that popie removed Mr. Taurus from the nativity scene :o)

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    This is gonna be corny but I’m calling Taurus shit on sun signs. I have two former coworkers who were born one day apart in Taurus and are nothing alike…that said, you gave me my first laugh of the day.

    See you next week for Two Face.

  3. draliman says:

    Sorry, I keep trying to think up a clever comment but I’m getting distracted by the mud wrestling picture 😉
    I clicked through to the astrology site to check out my own star sign and Libra was pretty much the exact opposite to me in every section. Where did I put my birth certificate…

  4. PigLove says:

    Oh WOW! Mom is drooling on my keyboard and says she wants one of those too – not the kid – the mower. Dude that would be totally awesome to ride shotgun with her! XOXO – Bacon

    • I got to drive a riding mower just once, but it was a huge yard to cut, so I was on it for about an hour. Trying to drive my car back home was quite a trip after holding that little steering wheel tilted totally horizontal for so long!

      But I’d still want one for my yard! Either that or a goat…. but that’s another sign of the zodiac entirely!

      • PigLove says:

        Snorts! Mommy got to drive one for a very short time a couple of years ago. Our neighbor, Big Daddy, has one and he cuts both yards (his and ours) during cutting season. He let her ride his to see how it does. Mom says it was kind of fun – kind of like driving Albert – snorts with laughter. XOXO – Bacon

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Since my sign is at the end of the zodiac calendar, I went ahead and looked it up. Ugh. Apparently we are self-pitying depressives, which has me more depressed.

    I just realized, my major relationships have been with Scorpios and Capricorns. I have no idea what that actually means, but there you go.

    • Well, that should lessen the blow of waiting to find out until I actually get to Pisces.

      Now that you know you were born this way, you have the ammo you need to fight the power. Show those stars who’s boss!

  6. And if they stay in one place long enough, they throw roots and become trees! When my son was very young, as opposed to now when he is merely occasionally infantile, I had a Taurus on his door and all it said was “I AM STUBBORN.” He is. Oh boy. He is. Really. Stubborn. Firmly stubborn.

  7. I am a huge fan of this series. Too funny!
    (I don’t have much to add as I only know one Taurus and he is nothing like this)

  8. The Cutter says:

    My daughter is a Taurus, and she’s already proving to be as stubborn as they get.

  9. grandmalin says:

    Yay, I’m a Taurus and this is all true! Especially the part about the sky being green. And if a metric fuckton was a number on a lottery ticket, I would pick it every time. 😄😄😄

  10. My birthday is 10th May too… And yet I don’t think I’m as stubborn as all that. At least, not about much! However, I could be wrong.

  11. I’m a Taurus and you nailed a lot of it – the stubborness, the passion, the intense anger every time WordPress messages with the control panel. But I have to disagree with boring sex that takes all night long…I’m such a guy in sooooo many ways! 😉

  12. Great post ES! It cracked me up! Wooly Bully was hilarious! Moo!:-D

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