Cancer

cancer robbie

Did you come back for more astrological Friday fun at The Nest?  Well, you’re in luck as it’s es zodiactime to present our tribute to the next sign of the zodiac!  This one goes out to all you loveable, crabby Cancers out there!

After pulling the starry pigtails of those born during the first quarter of the Western zodiac, today I get to have a little fun at my own expense since this happens to be my sign.  In The Nest’s universe, there is only one major Cancer character, and that’s ES’s hapless masked sidekick Robbie (June 30).  I assigned him that birthdate not because he was created on that day (He wasn’t), nor was he inspired by a real life person… but he is instead a tribute to a little plush raccoon I had as a child that I named Robbie, and which came into my life on June 30th…

As if I had to be a kid to have a stuffed animal...

As if I had to be a kid to have a stuffed animal…

Robbie did not exist when I did my zodiac project in 2010…

cancer jessie

I really can’t believe I haven’t found a way to work Jessie the cougar into my comics yet… but she was drawn for a real person, and her fascination with armadillos led to my popular Pigladillo character…

That's Jessie on the left.

That’s Jessie on the left.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get to know a little about Cancer!  Or at least, Cancer according to our favorite stoner astrologists

Along with humidity and mosquitoes, Cancer is the first true sign of Summer… lasting from roughly June 21st through July 22nd every year.  Cancer is also lucky enough to share a name with one of the most common horrific diseases known to man…

I got bad news for you, kid... you were born under the wrong sign.

I got bad news for you, kid… you were born under the wrong sign.

Cancer is represented by the crab.  The fucking CRAB!  Seriously… the rest of the zodiac animals are awesome… even the scorpion kicks ass.  But there is no way you can possibly make a crab look good unless you happen to be at Red Lobster…

Cancer says "Eat me!"

Cancer says “Eat me!”

The symbol for Cancer is…. well, OK, they totally made up for sticking us with the crab.

Cancers are sooooo cute!

Cancers are sooooo cute!

We’ve already covered earth, wind, and fire… so you guessed it!  Cancer gets stuck with the element that wasn’t good enough for that superband of the 70’s.  Cancer’s a water sign… glub glub!

Who let this Aries in here?

Who let this fireball packing Aries in here?

Just when you thought Cancer couldn’t get any more preverted, guess where it’s represented on the human body?

Did I guess right?

Did I guess right?

OK, enough of the crabs, naughty numbers and bewbies… let’s see what Cancer’s really all about!

Cancer is loyal, a true blue friend till the end.  If loyalty is what you seek in a companion, but you’d rather not have to constantly scoop poop, get yourself a Cancer instead…

In fact, Cancer will do the scooping up for you.

In fact, Cancer will do the scooping up for you.

Cancer was born to nurture!  If you are in need of a little TLC, or just looking to unload a handful of unruly brats permanently, seek out a Cancer with nothing better to do.  Don’t worry, because Cancers have this egotistic astrological sickness that makes them like to feel needed…

I need another Cancer to draw me some more Robbie pictures...

I need another Cancer to draw me some more Robbie pictures…

Cancers are the introverts of the zodiac.  Cancer is quiet, shy, and won’t come out of its shell without having it forcibly cracked open with a baseball bat.  Like Robbie, Cancer is an awkward hot mess…

Now we're getting somewhere... even if Cancer isn't.

Now we’re getting somewhere… even if Cancer isn’t.

Cancer is a big pussy.  Cancer will cry if you even slightly hurt its widdow feewings.  Be careful what you say around a Cancer, or it will throw a fit, then run off and sulk in its crabcave and never speak to you again…

Cancer's about to get crabby...

Cancer’s about to get crabby…

Cancer is the king of self pity.  Cancer is that girlfriend you once had who needed to be told fifty times a day that you loved her, or else it must mean you thought she was ugly.  Cancer just loves to clean up other people’s messes, but doesn’t know the first thing about getting its own fucking house in order.

To sum things up.... Cancer is just pathetic.

To sum things up…. Cancer is just pathetic.

If all of that sounded like someone you’d want to be in a relationship with and made you think, “Damn, I’d love to have a Cancer in my life to make me feel better about myself,” then good news!  The stoner astrologers have advice for how to set your Cancer trap!  The great thing about Cancer is that you get to pick and choose who you want.  Cancer is too awkward and antisocial to make the first move on you, because they fear rejection like the Amish fear electricity.  It will take you a while to gain Cancer’s undying loyalty, but once you do, you won’t be able to shake them with a shotgun!  Plus, you’ll have a natural mother/father to take care of the kids while you have a fling with a lover who’s way more exciting than fucking Cancer…

No need for the wooden spoon, ma'am.  I'm a Cancer, and I always do what I'm told.

No need for the wooden spoon, ma’am. I’m a Cancer, and I always do what I’m told.

Time to see what Cancer’s like if you can manage to drag one into bed…

Sex With Cancer:  Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won’t soon forget. To not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer people might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.

Cancer even gets it on like a damn pussy.  It’s no wonder I’m a fucked up mess…

What in the hell do you know about love scenes, Cancer?  At least those that involve more than one person...

What in the hell do you know about love scenes, Cancer? At least those that involve more than one person…

Now that we’ve sent all those self-loathing Cancers so deep into their shells that we no longer need to worry about offending their delicate sensibilities… let’s see where we can find Cancer around us!

Cancer can be found in the funny pages…

I believe at some Meccas, it actually is allowed.

I believe at some Meccas, it actually is allowed.

Wanna go steppin’ out with Cancer?

Cancer by the boatload can be found in mass migrations on Christmas Island!  Oh yeah, at least some cancers know how to have a good time…

It's like Woodstock, only with slightly less sex.

It’s like Woodstock, only with slightly less sex.

And of course, we all know where we never want to find Cancer…

Ouch.

Ouch.

Alrighty, Cancer!  Man up and see what The Nest has in store for you today with your very own personal horoscope!

Today looks like a mixed day for Cancer.  There’s a whole lot of wonderful things going on outside your door that would totally rock your world.  Too bad you’ll just lock yourself inside again and challenge a Virgo halfway across the world to a game of Halo.  Sagittarius and Libra down the street want you to watch the kids again while they vacation in Cancun.  This time, don’t run off to your room and cry when their little Aries imp calls you a poopoo head.  Today may be your lucky day as love will finally show up at your doorstep!  Nevermind, it’s just the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.  At least you’ll find the emotional pick me up you need when you log on to the internet and read this post… no, you’ll never even make it this far before you end up in a fetal position under the computer desk.  I don’t know why I’m bothering.  Maybe it’s because Leo and Capricorn enjoy reading about how lame you are.  Your lucky numbers: 4, 12, 21, 39, the square root of pi, and 1-900-LOSER

Awww, Cancer needs a hug.

Awww, Cancer needs a hug.

Come back next week, and you’re gonna hear me roar…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in The Zodiac and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

45 Responses to Cancer

  1. Mental Mama says:

    I was right there with you until the pic of the crabs in the undies. Eww.

  2. yes, the crab. It’s awful :o) and I feel sorry for all cancers…. my granny is a cancer and to make the disaster complete her ascendant is cancer too…. poor granny. all what you wrote is true, it’s like she would watch into a mirror lol

    • I had to track down my chart of signs I got off an online site a while back… while I have a Virgo moon (Which is almost as bad as a Cancer sun), I do have a Scorpio ascendant… so at least I got one of the cool signs!

  3. I have a friend who is a cancer and you nailed it. Thinks I’m mad at her if we don’t talk for a few days. Spirals into uncontrollable pity parties whenver the mood hits her. Takes everything personally, even when it has nothing to do with her (cue pity party)! It’s exhausting!

    As for your description of sex with a Cancer – it sounds dreadful! oh no! Maybe I’m am just like a guy… :-0

  4. Scott says:

    Is that a 25th anniversary plaque from the Mecca on that shelf? You, sir, have a high tolerance for pain.

    • Ha!!! I had to see what you were talking about, and I found it right away!

      That is a seat cushion that was a giveaway to the April 18, 1987 game between the Mets and the Cardinals… famous in local baseball lore for all of the fans throwing the souvenirs on the field in celebration of Tommy Herr’s walkoff grand slam in extra innings. The sponsor was K-Mart, and (oddly enough, like Mecca) celebrated their 25th anniversary in ’87. I got it from my Grandpa, who was at that game. The only other time the Cardinals had a seat cushion night (in 2006), I was at that game, and the same thing happened! I wound up letting my nephew (who attended with me, but didn’t get one since the sponsor was a jewelry company and only adults got them) have it…

      If you are still reading this after that long-winded digression, you can see my anniversary pins on the lower left shelf. My 15th anniversary pin case is just above and to the left of the Mecca price label I have stuck on my shelf (The 5 and 10 are just behind it)…

  5. My brother was a Cancer and I miss him every single day.

    Now, on to other matters. For reasons no doubt best known to the great minds at WordPress, I no longer get notifications of your new posts, but I DO get all the comments to the posts about which I was not notified. I’m sure this is one of their upgrades.

    • I have given up trying to understand all the stupid upgrades… but if they’re not notifying you of my new pearls of (cough!) wisdom, then something’s gotta change! I’d raise a ruckus….. if I weren’t a lily livered Cancer, that is….

      • I went and deleted you, then re-added you. If that doesn’t fix it, I don’t know what else to do. But you are not the only one. They seem to periodically dump my older “follows” … are they helping me clean out my files? Should I think them? They are totally PISSING ME OFF. You know that yesterday, they removed the edit option from the dropdown menu? We raised such a ruckus, they put it back … but they will remove it again. And my theme doesn’t HAVE an internal edit link. That menu is the only way I can edit directly from a post.

      • I’ve had a few blogs dropped at random from my Follow list as well… not lately (that I’m aware of), but it’s happened before. I didn’t notice the Edit thing, but I did notice the dropdown box was shorter for a period of time. What pisses me off is the lack of a direct link to my blog’s homepage from the top toolbar! I used to just be able to click on the upper left corner… now I have to actually choose it from the dropdown menu! Yeah, that was simpler…

      • It will get worse. I am SO PISSED OFF.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Cancer is like the ruler of vanilla sex, it sounds like. Probably what that nasty potpourri smells like too. (Vanilla, not cancer)

    I am very glad I remembered that this was an astrology post when I saw the subject line. You know,because the fact this is a weekly feature has already gotten past me.

  7. JackieP says:

    My sister is a cancer. And yes, she is just like you described. LOL She is not talking to me at this time because, hell, I don’t know. She has a feather up her butt about something.

    Was it bad of me that I laughed when I got to the picture with the crab in the pants? LOL Cus, I did. Laugh that is.
    Us Virgos look like wild childs compared to Cancers. Now that’s funny.

  8. merbear74 says:

    As a Leo, I do not think you are a pussy. So shocked and offended I am! 😉

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    What time were you born? I’m a not Leo. My moon defines me…or maybe it is just life.

    • I was born in the middle of the afternoon. Cancer’s traits are pretty much either dead on or not even close to describing me, with no middle ground. Shy, retreat to the shell, fiercely loyal to those I really like… absolutely. Nurturing, easily offended and sensitive… hell no!

      I do hope as a not Leo that you still enjoy seeing all that you aren’t next week!

  10. calipatti says:

    Not a Cancer’s fault ever, they are picked on – then misunderstood.
    I know!

  11. You forgot to mention the nobel side of Cancer in that they are chivalrous and Knight in shining armour types (to their favorite squirrels)<3

  12. Since you get a lot of your info from our favorite stoner zodiac website, I thought you might appreciate this.
    http://likes.com/facts/if-each-zodiac-sign-was-a-drug-1?v=129Jtf8e7CfTcCFd7Q5cHQKG1yfPVo00j&page=2

    Also, this perfectly fits EJ (who is a Cancer) but of course Toddlers are Chaos and Cuddles so it’s hard to say what is actual personality and what is just “Terrible Twos”

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