To my beloved Agnes,
I still remember every little detail about the instant in time when I first glanced upon your sciurine splendor. You didn’t see me above you, my dear, but there was no way I could miss the furry goddess whose sparkly black eyes and bristly, fuzzy tail was making my tiny heart go all nutty. You were the portrait of an exotic arboreal princess. I didn’t have the courage to approach you… at least not upon my first sighting of your ravishing beauty. But from that moment on, it was my only mission in life to make you mine.
The next day, I stealthily perched above the branch on which you were sunning your exquisite physique. I watched in awe as you delicately and sensually groomed your flowing locks of fur. I thought of jumping down there to help you pick for fleas and ticks that had the audacity to defile your siren’s skin… but the moment was still too soon for this shy squirrel to act. You were still only within the realm of my dreams… but the object of my desire would not elude me for much longer…
I kept returning day after day to the grounds upon which you would frolic, the trees in which you would leap about, the birdfeeder where you would eat. Had you known how quietly and persistently I had followed you like a vampire would an unsuspecting virgin, you would have no doubt considered me to be some creepy stalker. But no, I was just a hunter in the game of love, and you my dear Agnes, were the only prey I was after.
Finally, I saw my moment to strike. My hunger for you could no longer be hidden in the lurking shadows… I emerged from my shell and introduced myself to the most beautiful squirrel I had ever laid my beady eyes on…
My heart sank when you responded to my genuine affections for you by dashing away. I knew, deep inside my mangy soul, that I was not a worthy enough squirrel to have such an adorable little furball as you to call my own… but my appetite for you, my lovely Agnes, was not going to be properly sated by simple rejection….
So I gave pursuit of my dream squirrel. The best things in life are worth chasing, and as it turned out, you very much enjoyed being chased. You played so incredibly hard to get, that there were times I almost felt like giving up… but the reward of the treasure at the end of the prism’s rainbow was more than worth all of the physical and emotional pain I had to endure to get there… and at last, I had caught you in my amorous trap!
When I finally broke down your walls and was able to look into your shimmering ebony eyes, I could see that you were just as enraptured with me as I had long been for you. I had finally won the heart of the only squirrel I have ever loved. From that day on, we were two souls who had now become one.
There was no stopping us now, Agnes. All of the energy we had wasted in the silly courtship game was now being put to better use experiencing the carnal benefits that come with being an animal. Our passion for each other could not be tamed. Our furry whoopie went on day and night, anywhere, any way, any time. We drove the dog fucking nuts…
Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs over the years, my love. You’ve kicked me out of the nest several times after a nasty skirmish where our angry jabbering would wake up the whole backyard. But every time you ostracized me, I realized in my loneliness just how much you meant to me. My stubbornness was no match for the fact that I could never go on without you. I always came back, and I always apologized. I’d rather lose face than lose the only critter who completes me.
And so, Agnes, on this occasion, our 20th anniversary together, I wrote this letter to let you know in indelible ink just how much you have always meant to me. I covet you more than I do all of the acorns on earth, and I would cut off my bushy tail if it was the only way to ensure you happiness. Thank you for making my life worth living, and for being the best partner any squirrel could ever ask for.
Agnes, I love you more than any silly love letter could ever say.
Faithfully yours,
Ralph
What is this, you’re saying to yourself? Have I gone truly mad? No… well, not any more than usual. This is my official entry in Juliette’s Love Letter Writing Contest on her Vampire Maman blog! I’ve never even had a real love before, and I was still able to come up with this schlock above… so you can certainly write up your own love letter for this fun little game! There’s still two weeks to enter! Just remember to include the words “vampire”, “prism”, and “portrait” in your letter (Which I’d forgotten to do until I went to grab the link!)…
Vampire Possum says, “Do it!”
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
Ha! I was thinking that you were a little early for Steak &…. I mean, Valentine’s Day until I got to the end and read your purpose. And it also explained what the hell you were on about with the vampire virgins and prisms bouncing around…..
Well, if S&BJD needed a mushy letter, that would kinda defeat the purpose…
I love how the romantic denouement of your loving words are illustrated through squirrel humping.
I can’t write anything without including pictures. I’d make a hell of a romance novel writer…
Everyone always skips to those parts of “romance novels” anyway*, so you would do well.
(*or so I have heard)
It brought tears to my eyes. No, really. I’m not sure what kind of tears. But definitely tears.
Tears of sentimentality… tears of laughter…. tears of pity. I take whatever response I can get!
So we get pictures with the love words! Ralph had his furry little paws full in more ways than one! Great letter. 🙂
A picture is worth one thousand love letters…
At least! 😉
Squirrel sex – you tricked me into looking at squirrels having sex. The worst part is that I peed just a little from laughing so hard. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
It is the goal of any good humorist to make his audience wet themselves. I’m sure there are Buster-themed diapers in my Cafepress shop somewhere…. 😉
I don’t know about diapers but knowing you there are those interesting looking pink panties…
Reblogged this on Vampire Maman and commented:
Oh my goodness – the very first entry to the Vampire Maman Love Letter Contest. This is absolutely wonderful and funny and I’m so touched by it. Evil Squirrel has captured the essence of a squirrel in love!
Untamed passion … oh my goodness. This is absolutely wonderful.
Thank you! Underneath all of that fuzz and fur is an unstoppable little love machine….
Ditto what Mental Mama said. They say that sex sells, so I think that you’re a sure bet in this contest. Hope that you win.
Thanks! And it’s probably a good thing that this isn’t Evil Hippo’s Nest…
Wonderful!!
Thanks!
This is just magical! 😀
Thank you! There is nothing more enchanting than squirrels in love!
This line: “You were the portrait of an exotic arboreal princess.” Absolutely perfect.
(I came over from Juliette’s page. Glad I did.
Thanks! Now it’s only a matter of time before Disney steals the exotic arboreal princess idea!
That was great! I had a feeling as I read through that there was going to be a squirrel porn picture there somewhere 🙂
I wondered why you did a vampire simile until I got to the end and read the explanation!
No love letter is complete without a little birds and bees action!
oh I am sobbing! ❤
Awwwww! I should provide a box of tissues with this post!
This made me tear up…seriously…have you thought about writing romance novels? 🙂
You’re a sure winner!
I’ll bet I’m at least better than whoever wrote 50 Shades of Grey Squirrel….
YES! My God was that book fucking awful….
Oh sobs and wipes piggy eyes. I didn’t know you had it in you evil squirrel. Not a dry eye here at the Hotel Thompson 🙂 XOXO – Bacon
I’m just an old softy, I guess!
A real romantic page turner, ESN. Both suitors get some tail! You win. 🙂
I’ll have to contact Fabio to see if he’d model with Agnes on the cover….
Very cleverly done, ES!
Thank you!
And my 40th Like on this post! I am positive no post outside of my perpetually accessible About page has ever reached that milestone… so thank you even more!!! 🙂
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