Let’s get out our tea leaves, tarot cards and Dionne Warwick albums… because it’s Friday!  That means it’s time for the next astrological sign to get put through the wringer here at The Nest in our Zodiac series!  Today, it’s all about those pure, innocent little Virgos for whom Young MC has supplied with their very own celibate nooses…

The Nest has two Virgos in my stable of characters… Clem the kangaroo (September 21), and my curmudgeonly porcupine Nabob (August 23), who gets the honor of being my featured critter for this post.  While Nabob seems to be more suited as a Cancer crab, perhaps it’s the fact that he’s a Virgo that explains why he’s always so cranky and out of sorts…

Blame astrology, not anatomy…

I used the character Sprots for my 2010 zodiac project.  You see her a lot in awkward situations with ES in the little avatar graphics I intersperse throughout my posts, but she never caught on with the gang that developed on my blog.  Given her trepidation of ES, she is no doubt much relieved…

You know ’em, you love ’em!  It’s time to welcome our favorite Stoner Astrologists to give us the lowdown on Virgo!

Along with the return of kids to school and the beginning of the National Egghand League season comes the reign of Virgo, which falls on the calendar from August 23 to September 22 each year.

Some fine, upstanding egghand players.

Virgo gets the dubious distinction of being represented by a virgin.  Yeah, that’s just who everyone wants to be associated with, someone who can’t even get laid.  Virgo’s off to a bad start before we can even get to their personality defects…

Cheer up, Virgo. It is better than being represented by the slut.

Oh, poor Virgo.  Even their zodiac symbol is a piece of shit.  It looks like an M that’s cowering with its tail between its legs… or maybe a Scorpio that got its stinger shoved up its ass…

Yeah, that looks really cute, Virgo.

It gets even worse.  You may have seen this poor gentleman before…

Hai, I’m a science project!

They cut this poor dude open to show off his guts, and they did it for a reason.  Look at which sign is pointing to those exposed guts.  Yep, that’s our tail-hiding Virgo!  You’re represented on the human body by the innards!!!  Doesn’t all of this make you proud to be a Virgo?

On the bright side, a Virgo will kick your ass at Operation.

Virgo’s an earth sign.  Hey, that’s not all that bad, is it?

Ummmmm… can someone help a Virgo out here?

Well, if you’re a Virgo and you managed to make it through the basics of your sign without crying or finding a better blog to read… you must have sheer determination and a tolerance for pain that would make even Chuck Norris cry “Uncle!”  But we’re going to keep piling it on, as now it’s time to look at the innocent Virgo personality!

Virgo was born to criticize analyze.  They will analyze the hell out of everything, even things that don’t seem to be broken.  But you better believe Virgo will come up with some wicked clever solution that makes no sense, but works like a charm.

The Virgo mind at work solving the problem of pesky trick or treaters…

Because of this drive to overanalyze everything, Virgo considers it their duty-bound mission to improve all that is around them and not stop until everything is 100% perfect.  Virgo is the ultimate self-help expert… and if you thought your life was just fine and dandy, just wait until Virgo exposes your hidden flaws and takes you down about two or three pegs…

Virgo knows what’s best for you…

Virgo is so tied up with the world they perceive in their brilliant minds that they can seem completely detached from reality itself.  Virgo doesn’t want to let you in on their feelings, because Virgo’s too busy trying to figure out exactly how they feel themselves.  Like Sherlock Holmes, Virgo just wants you to leave them the hell alone unless you have some challenging problem for them to solve…

It’s probably a safe bet that Virgo has never felt both fine AND dandy at the same time…

Along with the constant need to dole out unsolicited opinions and nitpick everything is the fact that Virgo will always tell it like it is.  Never ask Virgo how you look in a certain dress if you don’t want to be told it looks like Shamu’s prom night.  A friend in Virgo is a friend indeed!

Looks like you’ll still be a Virgo tomorrow, Nabob.

If an overly critical, condescending, perfectionist is just what you were looking for in a mate, well, the stoner astrologers have your ticket to snagging a Virgo by their hidden tail!  The key to seducing Virgo is to make yourself look like a smartass.  The way to a Virgo’s heart is through their brain, so impress them with some useless facts you picked up on my Millionaire Journey.  Once Virgo’s cold exterior melts into your arms, be prepared for your life to effectively come to an end, because Virgo is about as spontaneous and unpredictable as a traffic signal.

Life with Virgo is like a magnificent journey through a cartoon’s repeating background.

And of course…

Sex With Virgo: As time progresses, sex with Virgo becomes more and more sensual. These are not the type of people who will engage in a one night stand, they are too reserved and prudish for that. Expect sex to be direct and straightforward, no fancy moves, places or games. Virgo is not a highly sexed zodiac sign and does not place much importance on it, if anything they consider sex to be gross and dirty. Once a relationship is solid, Virgo is willing to experiment a little bit with techniques and foreplay but like everything else involving a Virgo, it takes time to develop once all the advantages and disadvantages have been thoroughly weighed out.

Damn, Virgo makes even Cancer look like a freak on a leash!  Jesus Christ, no wonder this sign is represented by a virgin…

About as hot blooded as Virgo ever gets.

So… now that The United Association of Virgos (they’re still trying to come up with a better title for their club) is preparing to boycott my blog, let’s take a look at where we can find Virgo around us!

Virgo can be found in children’s card games…

No kid wants to get stuck with this over-analytical, nagging bitch.

With a little help from Leo, Virgo could be found back in the good old days of MTV!

Virgo can be found in films about socially awkward people…

But better never Virgo.

Virgo can be found in our atmosphere… never reaching the ground.

Oh, wait. This is virga. Nevermind…

Before I finish mocking the whipping boys and girls of the zodiac, let’s see what The Nest sees in store for Virgo with this personal horoscope!

It’s going to be a pretty good day for Virgo, but of course, you know it could always be better.  One way to improve your day would be to actually quit worrying about how to better spend your life and actually go outside and do something.  Join Libra and Pisces on a walk around the block… only this time, don’t ask Libra how many possums had to die to make her yoga pants.  Do something truly unexpected this weekend, like tear the Do Not Remove tag off of your mattress.  Teach Cancer how to be more practical by digging up their pointless tulip garden and plant glowing potatoes in its place.  Also, take time from your neverending task of trying to improve everyone else’s lives to actually figure out what the fuck is wrong with you.  Do it for all of humankind, Virgo, and we promise not to step on your cowardly tail anymore.  Your lucky numbers: 2, 39, 44, 90210, and the 12th of Never.

Virgo’s gonna kick me out in the street once this gets posted…

Yikes, after all this, Virgo’s gonna be out for justice.  They will get it, and so will all of the rest of you…. next week!