Please Stop The Music

hottie radio

random rantI teased at the end of this week’s MMM post that I was planning on posting some fun musical stuff on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Yeah, like that was gonna really happen.  My plan was to first post my 10 favorite new songs from the past year… followed up by my 10 least favorite.  But that got nixed for a few reasons…

1. I realized that my Top 10 list would just be me going on and on about my favorite songs without having any real clue why I liked them in the first place.  It would’ve been like a bad MMM post repeating over and over again…

Had Bill Murray kept waking up to Darius Rucker every Groundhog Day morning, he would have known he was in hell.

Had Bill Murray kept waking up to Hootie every Groundhog Day morning, he would have known he was in hell.

2. Most of the songs I had on my unfavorites list are actually from the last few months of 2013, but apparently didn’t meet my ears until the early part of last year.  God, was that a shitty time for new music or what?  So by the time I removed “Let Her Go”, “Dark Horse”, “Best Day of My Life”, and that fucking piece of shit “Say Something” from consideration, it didn’t leave much for me to rake over the coals…

Kill 'em and grill 'em!

Kill ’em and grill ’em!

But I want to salvage something out of this project… so today I will present to you my list of the five absolute most shittiest songs from 2014!  And it’s even rather timely, as you’ll see later…

#5. “All About That Bass” – Meghan Trainor

Be glad this wasn't released 15 years later...

Be glad this wasn’t released 15 years later…

“All About That Bass” took the coveted mantel from “Blurred Lines” as the most polarizing song of the year.  It seems like you either absolutely loved this song, or absolutely loathed it.  I actually fall in the middle somewhere… this could have just as easily wound up in the bottom half of my Top 10 with one minor major alteration.

I am a big fan of the doo wop/hip hop mashup in this song.  The verses and the bridge are (to my more pop-inclined senses anyway) very enjoyable to listen to.  But as Blues Traveler once told us, it’s the hook that brings you back… and holy bubblebutts folks, this song has the most annoying fucking hook to ever hit the charts…

I'm all about that bass, bout that bass!  No treble! I'm all about that bass, bout that bass!  No treble! I'm all about that bass, bout that bass!  No treble! I'm all about that bass, bout that bass!  No treble! I'm all about that bass, bout that bass!  No treble...

I’m all about that bass, bout that bass! No treble!
I’m all about that bass, bout that bass! No treble!
I’m all about that bass, bout that bass! No treble!
I’m all about that bass, bout that bass! No treble!
I’m all about that bass, bout that bass! No treble…

Seriously, did anyone associated with this song really think that sounded good?  Yes, it’s memorable and gets stuck in your head… because it’s a total piece of shit that could have only come from a far off solar system that either hasn’t invented music or human rights yet.  And neither Meghan or her handlers obviously care that they’re foisting this kind of ear-raping torture on us, because her follow up song “Lips Are Moving” is almost a carbon copy of “Bass.”  With any luck, she’ll go the way of fellow ass lover Sir Mix-a-Lot, and we won’t hear from her again until Generation Twit starts getting nostalgic in their 30’s…

Even those cats are tired of listening to you sing.  I'm calling the Humane Society...

Even those cats are obviously tired of listening to you sing, Meghan. I’m calling the Humane Society…

#4. “Blank Space” – Taylor Swift

ripped heart from chest

Little Miss Heartbreak strikes again…

In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit to actually liking the last few big hits from Taylor Swift.  “Shake It Off” would be in my Top 5, and “Never Ever Getting Back Together” was actually the song that finally made her a relevant artist to me after that long string of whiny teenage love gone wrong songs.  But boy, did she ever ruin the nice run she had with my musical tastes with this piece of garbage…

Awww, did I make you cry?  That's what you get for hiring Avril Lavigne's makeup artist.

Awww, did I make you cry? That’s what you get for hiring Avril Lavigne’s makeup artist/raccoon.

Not only do I not like this song, but it just further reinforces something I just don’t get.  Taylor Swift keeps getting propped up as one of the few “positive role models” for girls in the music industry.  Sure, she’s not as trailer trash slutty as Miley Cyrus, or as batshit insane as Lady Gaga… but have those people who dote on Taylor’s wholesomeness actually listened to her recent work?  Taylor doesn’t exactly portray herself as Marie Osmond in “Blank Space,” and backs that up by acting like a bad girl in the video for the song.

Then again, maybe that’s what’s behind the false image of innocence… that Taylor can’t disguise the fact that no matter how much she tries to pass herself off as a bitch, she still looks like some goofy girl in high school who’d blush during the sex ed movie.  Watching Swift try to act like a high class whore is about as believable as Kanye West trying to act like a gentleman…

I'mma let you finish, but Beyonce deserved to play the bad girl part!  Bitch!

I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce deserved to sing “Blank Space,” bitch!

#3. “A Sky Full Of Stars” – Coldplay

sagittarius hottie

This songs stunk about as bad as an interstellar skunk…

Coldplay is just one of those bands I don’t like.  Hey, not everyone can tickle my eardrums with their music… and Coldplay obviously has some tone deaf fans out there since they’ve been around for over 15 years now and won’t be found in any bargain bins.  And even the worst acts eventually come out with one song I really like.  Alas, Chris Martin and the gang already shot that wad with “Viva la Vida” eight years ago…

“Sky Full of Stars” has assaulted me on both the radio and at Mecca since last summer, and it’s typical Coldplay shittiness.  Martin’s singing is uninspiring, and the dull music doesn’t help it out any.  In a sky…. in a sky….. full of STARS!  I think I saw yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuu!  Oh, go fuck yourself, Coldplay…

I can assure you we can take ourselves even more seriously and sound even worse!

I can assure you we can take ourselves even more seriously and sound even worse!

#2. “Fancy” – Iggy Azalea

About as fancy as McDonald's ketchup...

About as fancy as McDonald’s ketchup…

2014 was a year lousy with white girls trying to sound like badass hip hop queens.  Nobody set the bar for sounding so pretentiously and demographically annoying as Australia’s own Iggy Azalea in this almost unlistenable song.  The Land Down Under gave us so many great musicians like Olivia Newton-John, AC/DC, Men at Work, and Kylie Minogue.  Couldn’t they have kept I-G-G-Y on the penal colony to spare us all?

Look at me!  I'm so fancy!

Look at me! I’m so fancy!

I have no problems with rappa girls getting down with their bad selves.  I actually like some things I’ve heard from Missy Elliott and Lil Kim.  But Iggy just sounds like a first class cunt bitch in “Fancy”, and not in anything even resembling an appealing way.  What’s sad is that Charli XCX had to get dragged into this ho-tastic disaster, because her solo song “Boom Clap” rates very high on my favorite songs of the year list.

Sorry, Miss Fancy Pantsy, but there’s only one Iggy whose name we will remember…

From LA to Tokyo!

From LA to Tokyo… er, Tokyo to LA!

#1. “Stay With Me” – Sam Smith

If this is the future of music, I'll go blow out both of my eardrums now...

If this is the future of music, I’ll go blow out both of my eardrums now…

When this awful song that makes funeral music sound lively first started getting played on the radio last summer, I thought maybe this was another Rockwell who was only getting airplay because he was married to a producer’s daughter.  When I later came across the list of Grammy nominations, and saw this Sam Smith clown’s name appearing more often than a hashtag on Tweeter, I began to wonder who exactly he had incriminating pictures of.  Then Monday morning when I heard he actually won just about every award on the show, probably including the Grammy they made Milli Vanilli forfeit in 1990, I seriously began to fear for the cultural values of humanity itself.

Sure they may not have been able to sing.  But unlike Sam Smith, they at least hired people who could.

Sure they may not have been able to sing. But unlike Sam Smith, they at least hired people who could.

You can go back through your grandparents’ dusty old record collection and not find a single old time country song that was any more blandly depressing than “Stay With Me” is.  It is a soul-sucking, coma-inducing, bowel clenching, bamboo under the fingernails kind of torture that has absolutely zero redeeming value.  Even the three minutes of airtime it fills on the radio could be better put to use by replacing it with a selection from Junior Samples Washboard and Armpit Orchestra, or even six back to back commercials by overly hyper used car salesmen.

Really…. Sam Smith is the new pinnacle of pop music?  Well, count me fucking out then…

Video didn't kill the radio star... Sam Smith did.

Video didn’t kill the radio star… Sam Smith just lulled it into a persistent vegetative state.

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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36 Responses to Please Stop The Music

  1. Lol you know apart from the annoying hook, I had never actually heard all of the Bass song. I have to say I thought the lyrics were amusing and it gets stuck in my head. Weirdly I find I cannot sing said hook without shaking my booty booty 🙂

  2. Ally Bean says:

    Wonderful list. I agree about Iggy and Sam. Not all that good. I’m indifferent to Taylor, but do admit to liking it when she drops the smart phone into the fountain. Coldplay I like, in general, sort of. But when it comes to All About That Bass, which I think is an okay summer ditty, I prefer Postmodern Jukebox w/ Kate Davis’s cover of it called, All About That [Upright] Bass. Now that chick has got it going on!

    • Anyone who drops a smart phone into anything that assures its destruction will always win points with me. Not enough to overcome “Blank Space”, but a small credit towards some other consideration anyway…

  3. merbear74 says:

    Blues Traveler…boy, did I love those guys back in the day. Thanks for the ear worm!
    Yes, that is the song I have decided to glean from this post…

  4. merbear74 says:

    I’m not fancy at all.

  5. I’ll second your list. i was a little sad for milli vanilly, i liked the boys, not their music. that was a time as they kicked you from the stage, just because you couldn’t sing. glad that that is no longer important, wonder what they would play on the radio lol.

  6. fanrosa says:

    I thought I was the only one who didn’t get all the Sam Smith hoopty-do. He ended up having to give a percentage of the songwriting credit/$ to Jeff Lynne and Tom Petty, even though he says he never heard of I Won’t Back Down. Really?

    • So that’s the song he was accused of plagiarizing? Tom Petty did put out some crap, but I can barely hear a heartbeat in that song, let alone another song entirely in it, and was wondering what all the Petty/Lynne fuss was about. Holy crap… I would have never heard “I Won’t Back Down” in there without knowing to look for it. If I were already rich like those guys are anyway, I’d sue to officially NOT be associated with that garbage…

  7. draliman says:

    I keep thinking I should like Coldplay because everyone thinks they’re cool but unfortunately they’re pants.

  8. Mental Mama says:

    On YouTube look for The Holderness Family “All About the Baste” – you’ll thank me for it.

  9. Reblogged this on Thought You Might Like This… and commented:
    Too funny!

  10. I will be laughing about your Coldplay comments all day long (and all night as I look into the sky full of stars…or fog, whatever.) I don’t get it. Must be the cute guy with the dark hair. I mean, we all know most girls just listen to bands because of that one cute guy.

  11. Mattmax says:

    One was bad…I hated it since I first heard it. And the who I think of when I hear Iggy, too!

  12. markbialczak says:

    Give me my ELO and Jeff Lynne making Paul McCartney and Taylor Swift both dance at the Grammys. Not with each other, thank you. I like your righteousness, ESN.

  13. gentlestitches says:

    Sorry but we took up a collection to help Iggy with her air fare over there! 😀

  14. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Is it hipster smug to say that I have not heard any of these songs, or does it just make me an elitist snob?

    • I think it’s quite amusing. That could’ve been me as little as 5 years ago, and definitely a decade ago. Most songs that came out between 1990 and 2010 I only found out about after they’d already become “oldies”…

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        Most modern pop music stopped entering the house via digital means after the kid graduated. He doesn’t listen through his peers and then decide to listen again at home (or didn’t) like he did during the school year.

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