Libra

angel libra

es zodiacI hope you’re having a fun Friday the 13th!  I can assure you that I will be.  But while I’m busy getting unstoned, you can take in what those who most definitely are stoned have to say about the next exciting sign in my zodiac series, Libra!

The Nest has a couple of Libras hanging out in my gang… the infrequently used Devil Kitty (October 3), and MBRS’s sweet, innocent, and very naive counterpart Angel (October 21).  She’ll be the one to guide us through this post as we attempt to tip the scales in favor of sarcasm for the zodiac’s seventh sign.  Not surprisingly, she was also the model I used for my Libra entry in the 2010 project I did…

libra

Yes, that’s a much younger version of Ody and the late Spilly in the scales… but they were just props as they are/were both Leos (July 30).

Without further adieu/ado, whatever it actually is… let’s kick it over to everyone’s favorite stoner astrologists!

Libra is the first full sign of Fall, occurring around September 23 to October 22 every year.  The reign of Libra brings with it beautiful Fall foliage, cooler, crisper air, and a bountiful harvest of pesticide laced goodies!

Anyone up for some yummy glowing potatoes?

Anyone up for some yummy glowing potatoes?

Libra is unique among the zodiac signs in that its physical representative is like Keith Richards, not a living being.  Libra has the scales, meaning every morning, much of the world is cussing out Libra…

Like Virgo, Libra's not afraid to tell you how fat you are.

Like Virgo, Libra’s not afraid to tell you how fat you are.

Libra’s symbol is a horizontal line with a flattened out omega over it.  I’m not sure what it has to do with looking like a scale… it usually just reminds me of this:

Libra is served!

Libra is served!

Libra’s represented on the body by the ass.  Well, OK, that’s not entirely accurate, but as you’ve probably noticed, I embellish even more than Brian Williams for entertainment value.  Libra gets the lower back and kidneys.  Yes, the fucking kidneys… on the same day I’m getting a stone blasted.  Somewhere out there, the cosmic ruler of the zodiac is getting her revenge for my mocking of her fine work…

She certainly does look vindictive... I think. (Art credit: Jad-Ardat)

She certainly does look vindictive… or maybe she’s had what our stoner astrologers have had. (Art credit: Jad-Ardat)

Libra is an air sign.  Go ahead, go outside and get yourself a good, deep breath full of Libra!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

So, is the Libra personality as fucked up as its predecessors on the zodiac… and if not, can we make it sound like they are?  Don’t worry, our stoner astrologers have given me plenty to work with yet again…

Libras are the diplomats of the zodiac.  They just want everything to be peaceful, and for everyone to be satisfied.  That noble Libra ideal worked out so well for Neville Chamberlain.  If you’re a big stick swinging bully in a dispute with a couple of wimps, just find a Libra to be your arbiter.

Evil!  You shouldn't really throw apples at earth!  They might... well, OK, as long as you promise not to hit anyone with them.  I know you'd never do that, of course...

Evil! You shouldn’t really throw apples at earth! They might… well, OK, as long as you promise not to hit anyone with them. I know you’d never do that, of course…

Libras are great delegators of tasks.  This is just a fancy way of saying that Libra would rather have other people do their work for them.  Libra’s too busy making everyone happy to be bothered with menial labor.

I can't do this... I better go find an obedient Cancer to take care of my knitting.

I can’t do this… I better go find an obedient Cancer to take care of my knitting.

As you might assume from the scales, Libra often considers itself the keeper of justice.  Don’t tell a Libra that life isn’t fair… they think it must be, and it will be if they have anything to do with it.  About the only way to really get the normally easy going Libra fired up to is do something that they believe is treating them unfairly.  They will go all vigilante on your ass…

angel squirrel goose

Just wait until she break’s ES’s arm off and starts beating him with it…

Libra’s crippling need to see happiness and justice in the world makes them champion flip floppers.  This ability to tell people whatever they want to hear makes it pretty much impossible to know where exactly Libra stands on anything.  This blatant pandering for popularity makes Libra the perfect politician…

Everyone loves a Libra, everyone hates a Libra.  They are the perfect paradox.

Everyone loves a Libra, everyone hates a Libra. They are the perfect paradox.

While Libra has others doing their job for them, and when nobody needs them to referee some stupid dispute… Libra is all about Libra.  Libra will upgrade its smartphone every six months just because it makes them feel like they’re awesome.  Libra will overspend on a car just because it has heated seats for its sensitive ass kidneys.  Libra is also constantly preening and pawing at itself while admiring its Libra reflection in the mirror.  Yeah, Libra has a slight vanity problem…

Reflections

Don’t we all wish we could look like a Libra?

Because Libra’s range coincides with the time of year when birth rates in the United States spike, there are more Libras in America than any other sign of the zodiac.  Now you know why we have so many lazy, outraged, vain, ass kissing bosses in this country!

Hey!  That's an unfair generalization of all Libras!

Hey! That’s an unfair generalization of all Libras!

If you’re into the scaly look and want a little Libra love for your own, well, just calm down!  Libra will probably find you before you can make a move on them, because Libra is extremely charming and seductive and constantly on the prowl for someone to make happy.  But since Libra’s all about fairness, you have to do your part as well and pile on plenty of sweet nothings and lavish gifts to show Libra just how fucking special they really are.  Libra would like to remind you that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

over the monument

OMG! Thanks for the unicorn, dear!

And now, for the one thing I always copy verbatim from the stoner astrologer site… it’s Libra after dark!

Sex With Libra:

Sex is enchanting, sensual experience, like a sex scene out of a movie. Lots of gentle rubbing, stroking, caressing. Libras make very imaginative and creative lovers. They are good at what they do and they are willing to try something new. Always keep it classy however, Libras are not one for bathroom stall sex. Set the mood with lots of teasing foreplay and create ambiance with candles and scented massage oils.

You can pretty much throw out everything but that fifth sentence as far as I’m concerned.  This is why I absolutely love using the stoner astrologer site as my zodiac reference… they are just as fucked up as I am…

Not classy enough for Libra.

Not classy enough for Libra.

So, now that we’ve tipped the scales against them, where can we find Libra in the world around us?

Libra can be found off the interstate…. if it’s open.

At the next signpost up ahead, you just crossed over into, the weigh station zone.

At the next signpost up ahead, you just crossed over into, the weigh station zone.

The laws of physics that guide Libra can be found down at the playground…

the squirrel twins!

Ha! You’re the fatass now Sully!

Libra can be found down at the record store lookin’ fine…

I'd say she's classy enough for Libra.

I’d say Toni Braxton’s classy enough for Libra.

And of course, Libra can be found outside of your local courthouse…

Even she doesn't want to see what's going on inside...

Even she doesn’t want to see what’s going on inside…

And now, that moment all of you Libras have been waiting for…. your very own Evil Squirrel’s Nest horoscope!

Many great things lie in store for Libra today!  The only way to actually experience all of this wonderfulness is to call off work.  Don’t worry, Taurus will pick up your slack like always.  Your dear friends Scorpio and Aries badly need advice on how to solve their relationship issues.  Suggest Scorpio spend an evening out by themselves to bring them some temporary joy, then seduce Aries for night filled with classy sex.  If everyone is happy, Libra is happy!  Treat yourself to something nice, like a birthday cake.  Protest to the baker that it’s patently unfair that only Aquarius is allowed to celebrate a birthday today.  Sue the birthday cake industry if necessary… I mean, who’s gonna beat a Libra in court, anyway?  Oh, that’s right, you had to have Virgo represent you since you were too lazy to do it yourself, and you not only lost, but got countersued for legal fees.  It just isn’t fair, Libra, it just isn’t fair!  Your lucky numbers: 10, 20, 30, 20, 30, 20… just seeing if you were paying attention.

If there's any justice in the world, this will never get posted!

If there’s any justice in the world, this will never get posted!

If you thought that stung, just wait until next week…

Advertisements

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in The Zodiac and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Libra

  1. fanrosa says:

    **Pouring one out for the Spillster…..**

    Good luck today. Just watch out for rain and women wearing numbers 12 and 35…

  2. merbear74 says:

    I want to be a Libra!

  3. that sounds not bad after all…but even with using my thinking cap I can’t name one soul around me who is a libra…. are they rare?

  4. draliman says:

    Yay, I’m a Libra! And coincidentally last October I overspent on a car because it had heated seats. And automatic climate control. And my old car wasn’t even actually old. I just needed a new car to remind myself of my awesomeness. It’s like I’m the poster boy for Libra or something 🙂

    Good luck with the stone blasting.

  5. Ally Bean says:

    Libras have a penchant for justice, huh? And there are more of them here than any other sign? Seems to me that they may not be doing all that they can to make this world a better place. Time for them to get snappy and stop focusing in the happy. 😉

    Hope all is going well for you today and that you’ve attained stone-free status.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Do those potatoes let you know when to water them?

    OK, so M would have been a Libra if he had waited for his actual delivery date. I think this matches him a little better than the Leo description, especially with the peaceful, diplomatic, delegator.

    • They do after I got done Photoshopping them!

      One interesting similarity I noticed between Leo and Libra is the likeability factor. Despite the ways each can get on your nerves, they generally have many admirers… LIbra because they just want to make people happy, and Leo because they just think they are so awesome. Much different than the neighboring duo of Cancer and Virgo!

  7. Not my favorite people, Libras. They are happiest amidst adoring fans. I’m not good at being adoring.

  8. frothingatlemouse says:

    Hiya!

  9. a1mamacat says:

    You sure abused poor Angel for this sign….

  10. HaHa! I wondered where you got your green spuds from but then read you “doctored them”
    I hope your own Doctoring went well and you are either full of pain meds or painfree or both.
    I am a Libra but have driven the same car for about 18 years. Also scales make me cry too so I avoids dem. ❤

  11. JackieP says:

    I don’t think I know a Libra personally. I’m not sure how well that would go anyway, as I”m not much of an ass kisser. 😉

    Hope all your little stones got blasted away and you are feeling much better!

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    Ouch. I hope you pass your stones. My late dad and former boss have 10.16 as their birthdays. They had diplomacy in common. Scorpio next week. Yay.

    • I’m building a collection…. but I promise, no Saturday Stone pictures!

      • 1jaded1 says:

        Thank you for that. BTW, my sister is also a Libra. She used to spend hours primping and if someone told her she looked nice, her response was, “I know”. She would get her hair cut but then restyle it when she got home cuz the stylist didn’t get it right.

        Five kids changes that.

        My life is filled with the Libras others lack.

      • Well, someone had to know all the Libras since they’re so common. My best friend growing up was Libra, as is one of my aunts, but that’s about it for me…

        Yeah, after 5 kids, even a Libra has to give up their vanity…

  13. “Sex like in the movies”? Good job this was written and posted before 50 shades of black & blue came out!! 😉

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s