Another Friday, another sign of the zodiac to hoist upon its own petard…. whatever the hell a petard is in the first place.  That’s how we roll at The Nest, so sit back and enjoy another over the top sarcastic edition of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac!  Today we’re going to explore the one sign that it might not be wise to yank by the tail… Scorpio.

The Nest doesn’t have a Scorpio on staff…. not a single damn one.  Although I do have a Scorpio father and a Scorpio sister, they don’t count for my blog.  Since I allowed my Piscean squirrel twins Blaze and Sulphur to hijack Gemini, which rightly belonged to Rainbow Donkey by birth, I’m going to use my belovedly flawed donkicorn to represent the Scorps out there for this post!  Can I get a YAY! from the congregation?

Uhhhh, better yet, just stay where you are. Keep those stingers where I can see them…

Unless you’re from my message board, you won’t recognize my Scorpio models for my 2010 zodiac project…

Annie’s on the right, and she wasn’t just a Scorpio, but also a dog in real life… yet still is the one who gave birth to the term “evil squirrel” that eventually became my signature character’s name.  You can read more about Annie and her sister Lizbit here if you wish… but for now, it’s time to get our Stoner Scorpio on!

Scorpio is the sign of mid Fall, reigning each year from approximately October 23 to November 21… a time that brings elections, early Christmas sales, and a whole bunch of this nasty shit…

Why I quit trick or treating at an early age…

Scorpio is represented by… what else, the scorpion!  Scorpios seem to love their little critter, and sure, the scorpion is actually pretty badass… but then again, so is a tarantula… and would you want to be symbolized by a giant hairy spider that will suck every ounce of blood out of you while you slept?  No, I don’t think you would…

Good holy fuck, NO!!!!

Scorpio’s symbol is an M with an arrow coming off the right side script, which I imagine is supposed to be a scorpion’s stinger.  Or maybe it’s actually representing something else…

Hmmmm….

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for.  As we’ve progressed down the body in this series, you knew sooner or later one of the signs was going to get the good parts.  That would be Scorpio… the sign that rules the genitals!  No matter what I may say about it later in this post, Scorpio wins the universe in this category!

I’ll show you my Scorpio if you show me yours!

Scorpio is a water sign… and you may need to keep a few buckets of it around to splash on their faces every time their Scorpio parts get all hot and bothered…

Beware the bifurcated stinger of Scorpio.

So, what do our stoner astrologers have to say about Scorpio’s personality?  A lot… Scorpios are a truly frightening breed, it seems…..

Like Janet Jackson, Scorpio is all about control.  They are in charge of the situation…. not you, not Alexander Haig, not Captain Picard.  Scorpio’s large and in charge, and the rest of us born under inferior signs are merely here to serve them…

Sigh…. already RD is being a poor representative of Scorpio.

Like Billy Joel, Scorpio is known for going to extremes.  Too high and too low, there ain’t no in between.  Scorpio can go from pleasing as punch to downright fucking moody in 2.6 seconds.  Scorpio has mastered the art of PMSing like a bitch…

RD would know.

Never, ever cross a Scorpio.  Like the mafia, Scorpio doesn’t know how to turn the other cheek and will always get its revenge when you least expect it.  Forgive and Forget are just two more obscene F words to the merciless Scorpio…

Erin is going to pay for this……. well, if RD was a real Scorpio, she would, anyway.

Wrath, Lust, Greed, Pride…. hell, we might as well throw Envy in there as well, because Scorpio is the master of being green.  Assuming a Scorpio has any friends left at this point, Scorpio will no doubt be insanely jealous over stupid little things they have that Scorpio doesn’t.  You know what Scorpio is starting to sound like…. a two year old who needs to have their ass paddled be locked in time out until they’re 37.  Grow up, Scorpio!

Don’t let him talk to you like that, Scorpy! Leo loves a fellow big baby!

Even the stoner astrologers were not kind to Scorpio in their personality synopsis… but they really had an acid trip while writing the love and sex part of their Scorpio page.  Apparently, the Scorpio man is such a unique creature on this earth, that my favorite seers actually dedicated an entirely separate page to describing how to attract one!

MBRS hit the Scorpio jackpot.

Essentially, the Scorpio man is the kind of strong, dominant male stereotype that would probably have him in prison these days.  Let’s see… in control, emotionally unstable, insanely jealous, unable to forgive… from the wonderful descriptions we have here, Scorpio makes the perfect partner for any woman looking for a lifetime of love and happiness!

And I love this…

“Also, never tell your Scorpio man that you are reading these online dating tips because he is the one who needs to have the upper hand, he is the one who is “in the know” of peoples motives! Let it be your little secret that as you are dating your Scorpio male that you are fully aware of his mysterious ways and understand his hidden agenda!”

Because who doesn’t love to date someone with a hidden agenda?

Well, now that you’ve got all the information you need to know to reel in your Scorpio have your Scorpio reel you in… let’s see what you have to look forward to in that squared circle in the bedroom…

Sex With Scorpio:

Sex with Scorpio is a total emotional and physical experience with passion and intensity. They have amazing stamina and can last all night long, round after round. Scorpio is the zodiac sign that is the most likely to act out a sexual fantasy. Most people will talk about it but the Scorpio will do it, they will fully throw themselves into the role. Do not suggest a fantasy to a Scorpio unless you plan to do it! Most Scorpios are direct and forceful and they seem to be an expert at what they do. They continue to seduce you even as the act continues. A thrilling experience not for the faint of heart!

This is every Scorpio’s fantasy, RD.  It’s painfully obvious you’re really a Gemini…

Now that we’ve explored the kinder, gentler nature of Scorpio, let’s see where we can find the sign in our everyday world…

Scorpio can be found in violent video games…

Well, this looks like a fair fight… wouldn’t you say so, Reptile? Ummmm, Reptile?

Here they are!  Scorpio’s gonna rock you like a hurricane!

Scorpio can be found on your local CBS affiliate…

Wait… does anyone even watch new TV shows anymore?

And for those of you in the UK, this Scorpio’s for you!

Scorpios like to hit people with giant Q-tips.

Last but not least, let’s see what’s in store for you Scorpios out there with your very own Evil Squirrel’s Nest horoscope for today!

It’s a great day to go out there and take over the world, Scorpio.  Start off by using your snowblower to bury Aquarius’ Toyota in his driveway.  That’ll be appropriate payback for that one time 10 years ago when his Gemini mutt shit in your yard.  It might not be wise to feel up Virgo when you get to the office, the sexual harassment policy does not exclude Scorpios.  No, really, it doesn’t… look at it sometime.  Adventure awaits at the singles bar tonight.  Don’t get upset at your Aries friend when they walk out with the cute Sagittarius you had your eyes on… you can always slash their tires later.  Beware, as you are being pursued by a Scorpio of the opposite sex.  Two Scorpios in the same bed might rip apart the space time continuum, but…. really, what’s the point?  You aren’t even listening to me because you don’t take advice from others.  I don’t even know why they write horoscopes for Scorpio… what a waste of time!  Your lucky numbers: 9, 14, 27… oh hell, they’re whatever you want them to be, oh mighty Scorpio.

That does it!!! I’m not being your Scorpio patsy anymore!!!

Well… how am I ever going to live down my tribute to Scorpio?  We shall see next week, when I promise my aim will be truer…

Note:  Thanks to Faithhopeandchocolate for pointing out that I’d forgotten to include the lucky numbers in my Virgo post, and by extension, my Libra post as well.  Both have now been edited to include them… I apologize to all Virgos and Libras if I kept you from wasting money in the lottery the last two weeks.