Sundays used to be the day for keeping your feet on the ground and reaching for the stars… but now that Casey Kasum’s gone up to that great big jukebox in the sky, The Nest has hijacked that activity for Fridays.  It’s time for another fantastically awful edition of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac, and for edition number nine (number nine, number nine…), the arrow is pointing to Sagittarius.

Many of my characters are concentrated in the last four signs of the zodiac, three of them in Sagittarius.  The very infrequently used flying squirrel Winnie (December 7), whose finest moment was in this very early comic.  My vibrant young kitten Erin (December 21) falls at Sagittarius’ cusp.  And then there is Hottie…

That’s me!

Hottie (December 6) is one of my characters based on a real person from my other internet home, and someone who’s always been one of my dearest friends there.  The stoner astrologers blurb on “Sagittarius and Friendship” fits Hottie to a tee… every word of it.  Thus there is no contest who will be my whipping girl representative for Sag in my series.  And of course, she was also Miss Sagittarius in my 2010 zodiac project:

Sagittarius occurs each year during that allegedly most wonderful time of the year, the holiday shopping season.  Falling roughly from November 22nd to December 21st, Sagittarius is all about family gatherings, dashing through the sleet in one horse open SUV’s, and fighting over Furbys…

Or Rainbow Donkeys. Cleanup on Aisle 42!

Sagittarius is represented by the archer… but not just any moron who can somehow hold a bow and arrow without killing everything nearby.  Chiron the centaur was the original Sagittarius.  Centaurs are half human, half horse… and because of the way that biology experiment worked out, if you know someone who’s a horse’s ass, they probably have a little centaur in their family history…

Or a horses’s ass. My proofreading skills have always been baad…

Sagittarius’ symbol is probably the most straightforward one in the entire zodiac… an arrow, usually pointed up and to the right.  Sagittarius must be the sign who rules over the math nerds, however, because of that pesky line through the middle of the arrow that doesn’t exist in the real world, and reminds me of those slashes that get put through zeroes and sevens and goddamn Z’s in equations.  Knock it off, already, you’re wasting precious ink!  Save an octopus!

Now look what you get when you turn Sagittarius upside down…

Sagittarius will never be offended if you tell them they have thunder thighs.  That’s where they’re represented on the body, and they’re dang proud of their femural packages…

Sagittarius is the original Thighmaster. Sorry, Suzanne.

This is my last run through the four elements, so for my last four zodiac posts, I want to pay homage to one of my favorite games from the NES, the original Final Fantasy.  Sagittarius is a fire sign, so let’s all meet the FIEND of fire, live from Gurgu Volcano, give it up for the lovely Kary!

Oooooh, she looks like she could cut a bitch, or maybe six.

Let’s take a hit of what our favorite Stoner Astrologists have to offer about the fun filled personality of Sagittarius!

Sagittarius loves adventure!  Like Steve Fossett, Sagittarius is never satisfied with the mundane, and will seek out fantastic new experiences that may or may not end up killing them.

Never go on a nature walk with Sagittarius unless you enjoy being eaten alive.

Sagittarius is undauntingly and hopelessly optimistic about everything.  While everyone in town is being turned into brain chileh by a zombie apocalypse, Sagittarius is happily greeting long lost relatives who’ve returned from the dead and planning a family reunion.  The perpetual sunny side of Sagittarius will burn you to a crisp that even SPF5000 can’t stop.

Isn’t this winter just so much fun, everybody!!!

Nothing pleases Sagittarius more than pleasing others.  If you are happy, Sagittarius is happy.  And since Sagittarius is always happy, you should always be happy too.  Sagittarius will go out of their way to bring joy into your gloomy life, even if it annoys the everloving fuck out of you…

Cheer up, Angel! This is a great song!

Because these previous traits pretty much flip the middle finger to reality as we know it, Sagittarius can often seem like they are emotionally detached from the world.  Sagittarius will be the one to interrupt an important business meeting by showing off the latest viral possum video, or tell knock knock jokes at your beloved Aunt Bertha’s funeral.

Have a great adventure, boys! I wish I could come along with you!

Ready for a little adventurous excitement and eternal sunshine in your life?  Well, I’ve got good news!  Our stoner astrologers say that Sagittarius is quite easy to seduce into your loving arms.  In fact, Sagittarius is so easy, you can pretty much forget about much more than a one night stand… assuming your encounter lasts even that long, since Sagittarius might already be embarking on their next conquest before you can even hit up the rubber machine in the restroom.

Have bow and arrow, will travel.

Oh, you sexy Sagittarians…

Sex With Sagittarius:

Sagittarius like to explore, same with their sexual encounters. They are the people most likely to have outdoor sex, or risque sex encounters. They are champions of one-night-stands because it feels good and you don’t have to worry about the other person being clingy afterwards! With Sagittarius, anything goes, squeamish and conservative need not apply!

This doesn’t look like the great outdoors to me, furball! Get up, because Sagittarius is moving on!

Well, it seems like we just can’t manage to piss off those ever-cheery Sagittarii out there with our sarcasm!  Let’s take a break and see where we can find Sagittarius in the world around us!

Sagittarius can be found in the latest popular book and movie series…

I have absolutely no idea what this story is about… but I’m suddenly starving to death.

Capitalizing on the popularity of the previous example, Nerf has turned little girls into Sagittarius death machines Rebelles…

Take a boys toy and repaint in punk and purple, and suddenly it’s a girls toy. Funny how that works…

Sagittarius could be found in the early 80’s wearing gold lamé suits…

Sagittarius can be found in tights…

Tight tights.

Sagittarius can be seen closing out games for the Seattle Mariners…

Who doesn’t love overpaid showboating closers?

Heck, any moron with a bow and arrow can be Sagittarius!

It’ll be funnier when he shoots himself with it.

Well, before we wrap up another edition of here’s your sign… let’s see what The Nest’s patented forecasting abilities have put together in Sagitarrius’ very own personal horoscope!

The stars do not foresee today’s being a very stellar day, but don’t let that wipe that Enzyte grin off your face, Sagittarius.  You will go out to your driveway to find that Aries stole your car in the middle of the night.  No worries, a 15 mile walk to work will do wonders burning off calories!  In fact, why not just hop a random bus and let unknown adventure be your guide today!  Do not let the blight of the ghetto you end up in get you down.  Be aware that Capricorn on the corner will try to proposition you.  While others might run in this situation, your optimistic nature instead sees the ideal circumstance for Sagittarius!  You get to make someone happy with a little money for drugs, have a lover you can forget about in half an hour, and you can even have outdoor sex!  Capricorn may be thrown by the exhibitionist adventure, but it’s all in a day’s work for you, Sagittarius!  Oh, work… yeah, you’re gonna get fired for no-showing yet again, but why should you care?  Work is so expected and unexciting, and money to pay the bills is so overrated.  You just keep moving along to the beat of your own Sagittarius drum!  Your lucky numbers: 1, 21, 31, 48, seven with a line through it, and 1.21 gigawatts…

Suddenly Sagittarius is not looking so hopeful…

Make sure you come back next Friday, for yet more astrological insight that promises to be baaaaaaaaad…