It’s time once again to look at the stars and try to get perspective on our future and personalities from photons that took millions and millions of years traveling through space just to reach our naive eyes.  Yes, another irreverently insightful edition of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac is here for your astrological enjoyment!  This week we’re going to take a trip to the petting zoo and tease all of the little caprines out there in our salute to the zodiac’s tenth sign, Capricorn!

Only one of The Nest’s characters bothers to read the horoscope for Capricorn, but she’s one of my oldest and most popular critters, the feisty red squirrel MBRS (January 15).  She will do her best to represent for the Caps out there today, just as she did for my 2010 zodiac project…

Capricorn’s range is from about December 22nd to January 19th each year, taking it through the major holiday of Christmas and the majorly fake holiday of New Year’s Day.  Capricorn also has the honor or reigning during the coldest time of the year up here in the northern half of the world, making them really popular these days…

Capricorn can kiss my snowy, fuzzy little ass!

Capricorn is represented by the goat.  Yeah, goats are cute and all, but… really, a goat?  I don’t know if I feel more sorry for Capricorns because they got such a douchey mascot, or because they look like the weaker sibling of Aries…

Marilyn just posted this picture the other day, and I had to use it for Capricorn! Check out more of her great photography on her blog!

One thing Capricorn is the undisputed king of is having the most fucked up symbol on the zodiac.  Look around, and there seems to be about a billion and a half different styles for the mark of Capricorn, and not a single damn one of them look even remotely like a goat.  Most of them resemble a third grader’s failed attempt at writing cursive letters.  Let’s just say Capricorn’s symbolic presence is the scribble.

Does anyone know the square root of Capricorn?

On the body, Capricorn is represented by the knees.  It is no coincidence that this incident occurred during the goat’s reign in the sky…

Blame Capricorn, Nancy. Blame Capricorn…

Capricorn is the final of the three earth signs… and to continue my tribute to the original Final Fantasy game for the NES, here is everyone’s favorite zombified Earth FIEND, Lich!  The walking dead never looked so good…

Night of the Living Sprites.

You’ve got personality, and so does Capricorn.  What are these goats like anyway?  Well, we’ll soon find out with a little help from our favorite stoner astrologists!

Capricorn is extremely ambitious.  Capricorn wanted to be God when they grew up, and upon adulthood set their sights even higher than that.

Being worshiped by the masses is not good enough for Capricorn. Must… aim…. higher!

Capricorn would need their Funk and Wagnalls to know what spontaneity is.  Capricorn is stuck in the same old routines because Capricorn has decided those are the best ways to do things, and nobody will ever convince them otherwise.  Capricorn will only drop everything to attend the party if they believe it can help them advance their lofty goals in life…

A Capricorn’s gotta do what a Capricorn’s gotta do.

Capricorn’s drive to reach the top and be admired by their peers is mostly a byproduct of their shitty self esteem.  Capricorn never thinks it’s good enough, a notion that’s likely reinforced by their pathetic symbol and mascot.  Capricorn needs a hug, if they can deviate from their strict schedule long enough to accept one…

Make a Capricorn feel really good and plant one on their lips.

Capricorn has the patience of a saint, and doesn’t mind spending three hours in their doctor’s waiting room while they read every old edition of Forbes in the magazine rack.  Capricorn is very cold and calculating in the way they do things, and will achieve their goal even if it takes five reincarnations to do so.  This makes them all the more loveable to the outside world…

I’ll make my wager when I’m darn good and ready. Don’t rush me!

Capricorn has a penchant for being extremely cheap.  Capricorn is the master of practicality, and isn’t going to spend a penny more for something they don’t really need.  Capricorn probably still has a ten year old cell phone like I do… assuming Capricorn ever found telecommunications technology to be worth investing in at all after Bell invented the telephone.

You know… MBRS totally doesn’t fit Capricorn.

Looking to grab a Capricorn by their cute little nubby horns?  You will be hard pressed to find a more faithful and loyal partner for a long term relationship than a Capricorn.  You will also be hard pressed to turn on a Capricorn in the first place.  Love is something Capricorn has on the back burner of their tight schedules, and they are in no rush to do anything.  You might want to find another playmate while Capricorn takes its sweet fucking time letting you into their preoccupied hearts.

Capricorn is not in the mood for love yet. Check back in 50 years.

If you live long enough to drag a Capricorn to bed, well, just check out what you have to look forward to!

Sex With Capricorn:

Capricorns have stamina, lots of it. They like nice, classy surroundings and a comfortable atmosphere. In the bedroom, they will last all night and want some more. They are very physical and good at what they can do. Do not expect any creative or zany positions, but expect it to be good.

So make sure to buy the club size box of rubbers, but leave the Kama Sutra at home…

I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, RD…

Well, now that every Capricorn out there is making it their next ambitious goal to take over my blog and delete this post… let’s see where we can find Capricorn in the world around us!

Capricorn can be found trying to cross troll infested bridges.

I’d eat you if I had any teeth left!

Capricorn can be found about 23 and a half degrees south of the Equator…

Yes, they even have touristy signs way out in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Everyone needs somebody else to look down on… and why not history’s most famous Capricorn?

Capricorn can be found within the depths of Hell…

Bow down before the almighty moobs of Satan!

And Capricorn could always be found at C.K. Hope’s blog…

GOATACUS!!!!

And finally, let’s see what Evil Squirrel’s horoscope has in store for those Capricorns out there who have patiently waded through all this tripe to find out what their future holds…

Your ambitions and desires will rule everything you do today… but you’re used to that now, right?  That dream you had 40 years ago about starting up your own 8-track business… I know you’ve put a lot of work into it, but I don’t think your patience is going to pay off.  Apologize to Libra for feeding their goldfish to the cat, their cat to the dog, and their dog to the coyotes.  Leo has romantic interest, and is going to invite you out to lunch today.  Accept, but don’t pick up the check, or the tip.  The cable company will send Scorpio to fix your reception so you can go back to watching C-SPAN.  Spend the eight hours you will patiently wait for him to show up plotting on how to take over the cable company and have Scorpio make your coffee and clean the bidet.  You are a lean, mean Capricorn machine!  And I really mean that… my computer shows more emotion than you do, Capricorn.  It can also fix its own problems and take over the world if it wanted to, unlike you…. oh I’m sorry, did I step on your self-worth again Capricorn?  Don’t cry… it’ll make your heart rust, and you’ll end up wasting a tissue.  Your lucky numbers: 6, 21, 29, 35, 409… hell, why bother?  It’s not like you’re gonna spend some cash on something as frivolous as a lottery ticket anyway.

Is any other sign out there taking new members?

Come back next Friday, and we’ll serve up another refreshing glass of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac!