Spring will be sprung today, but not before The Nest finishes off its award winning messed up look into our beloved zodiac that has helped wile away your Winter blues.  For the 12th and final installment of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac, we’re going to honor two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl and delve into the rather unique sign of Pisces.  So just sit back and enjoy today’s fish fry that is certified kosher for Lent.

Among our lovable critters who reside here at The Nest, we have no fewer than four Pisceans.  The adorable little Pigladillo (February 22), the squirrel pup twins Blaze and Sulphur (March 17, though I fittingly used them to represent Gemini), and the original character of mine that can trace her origins back further than any other… Sandy (March 12), who I first drew just a little over seven years ago.  She will guide us through the murky waters of Pisces today.

Sandy was also my cover model for the final poster I made for my 2010 zodiac series…

Pisces falls at Winter’s end, from about February 19th to March 20th each year… a time when people seem to expect the weather to thaw out because wishful thinking makes them forget how our seasons work…

Happy fucking Easter.

Pisces is represented by a pair of fish… and is currently on sale as a combo meal down at Long John Silver’s.

Mmmmmm!!! Tastes better than Scorpio!

The symbol for Pisces is a hyperbola with the x axis running through it.  When describing what your zodiac mark looks like brings back painful memories of college algebra, you know you have a shitty sign.

Real graffiti some punks spray painted on my fence shortly before I moved in six years ago. Pisces is the bomb!

Being last in line, Pisces got what was left over on the body after all the other signs were done picking the good parts.  That means Pisces got the stinky feet.  Not that there’s anything wrong with having a foot fetish…

This little piggy got sued for sexual harrassment.

And of course, Pisces is one of the zodiac’s water signs.  If you’ve been paying attention to this part of my astrology posts the past few weeks, and you too have fond memories of the NES’s original Final Fantasy game, then you know that I’m showcasing the Water FIEND.  So it is finally time for us to release the Kraken!

So… are any of you kinky foot fetish Pisces also into tentacles?

For the first eleven signs of the zodiac, the Stoner Astrologers did a reasonable job of trying to make even the lamest of signs look somewhat cool.  But they obviously gave up on trying to play nice by the time they wrote their page for Pisces.  Let’s see what interesting tidbits we can mock about the Pisces personality…

Pisces is always in need of a virtual hug.  As a Cancer, I can tell you there’s nothing wrong with being born in a fucked up sign, but Pisces takes their astrological bad luck personally.  Pisces has the self esteem of a cattle skull bleaching out in the middle of the desert.

Pisces might be happier if she didn’t have a more famous doppelganger.

Feel free to reach out and touch Pisces, as they are always more than willing to be your own personal Jesus.  Despite having numerous issues of its own, Pisces feels the need to feel the pain and suffering of others as well.  Get off the cross, Pisces, and go find a doctor instead!

One of my few comic gems from the days before anyone was following me.  And yes, Sandy has a Pisces tramp stamp.

While you may believe that astrology is a bunch of bunk, Pisces doesn’t.  Pisces is all about the spiritual world and the occult.  If you’ve noticed any pets or small children go missing from your neighborhood during new moons, chances are you live near a Pisces.

This unicorn will be perfect for tonight’s sacrifice!

Pisces’ ability to tap into the spiritual world also gives them natural psychic abilities.  Before your next visit to the fortune teller, ask to see their ID and make sure they’re a certified Pisces before you part with your life savings.

You may also want to research the birthday of your local weatherman.

Pisces are too busy licking their emotional wounds and playing tarot solitaire to be bothered with doing much of anything useful.  You can lead a Pisces to their desk, but you can’t make them work… unless you can convince them that their work will help ease the suffering of stray possums in Pangea.  Pisces will do anything to make someone they don’t even know happy…

Pisces are such pushovers for heartache.

Seeking out a sensitive, self-pitying Pisces for your very own?

Fuck yeah!!!

If you are the kind of person who has serious issues, then you need not worry about attracting Pisces.  They will come beating down your door so they can make your problems their problem.  Then, while Pisces is valiantly serving as your human shield… you can find yourself a real lover who’s more interested in carnal desires instead of emotional drama…

Oh, don’t be so cruel to me and I might even uncover my self pitying parts!

What can you expect if Pisces realizes the only way to make you feel better is with a little sexual healing?

Sex With Pisces:

Sex with Pisces is an emotional and physical experience, and if you allow it, it will be a spiritual experience as well. Pisces are very good at, and love role play. Acting fully in their roles. They like to seduce. Role play that you are in an old fashioned brothel and get them to seduce you, they love erotic games for they are able to get completely involved and lose themselves in the erotic play. Pisces likes risque encounters and offbeat activities. A very fun partner for those who like different encounters and physical sex.

Please note, that is copied word for word from the Stoner Astrologers’ website.  I could never come up with anything more kinky than that on my own.  You can dress up Pisces in leather and high heel boots, but they’re only going to end up using that whip to flagellate themselves…

Don’t act like Pisces doesn’t turn you on, Honey!

Well, now that we’ve managed to make Pisces summon a demon to destroy my blog, let’s take a look at where we can find Pisces in the world around us!

You can find stompable versions of Pisces in the Mushroom Kingdom…

Mario needs a power-up to make him feel better about himself.

Pisces can be found working at the 12th Precinct.

Yep, Pisces loves to role play…

Sure, I could go for the obvious… but I’ll use a more subtle musical tribute to Pisces instead.

Pisces here, Pisces there, Pisces can be found everywhere in the land of Dr. Seuss.

Look what we found in the tuna net.

And if you dig in the attic, you just may find a singing version of Pisces…

Even a non-Pisces will instantly hate their life if you give them the gift of Billy Bass.

And now Pisces, put down the razor blades for a few minutes so you can read your very own life changing horoscope from The Nest’s certified team of stargazers!

Today will prove to be a difficult and trying day for Pisces, though that’s actually an improvement over how things usually go for you.  Libra and Leo next door are having domestic issues, take it upon yourself to get involved in their affairs and help heal their relationship.  Take them to your BDSM basement to rekindle their romantic desires if necessary.  Get away from the worries of the world by planning an exotic vacation.  Taurus will fill in for you at work, like they usually do when you’re not in the mood to accept reality.  Beware of the cunning ways of Gemini as they try to lure you into volunteering for their church’s possum dinner fundraiser.  You will teach them it’s impossible to pull the wool over Pisces eyes by showing them your place of worship and tying them down onto the pentagram.  Draw upon your intense suffering to create art this evening.  Make sure to properly feel shitty about the fact that your artistic gift doesn’t extend beyond making animal figurines out of your toejam collection.  Poor Pisces, you need lots of support for your self-loathing.  Cancer will drop by to give you a hug.  Scorpio will follow soon after the smack the ever loving shit out of you.  Your lucky numbers: 5, 13, 22, 38, boo hoo, and wah wah…. get over yourself, Pisces!

This certainly isn’t going to make Pisces feel any better about themselves.

And thus concludes The Nest’s informative and irreverent look into the twelve signs of the zodiac.  Whether or not you think there’s anything to astrology, it’s hard to deny that many people do identify with, and often live by their zodiac sign.  I hope you all gained some astrological insight, and got more than a few laughs out of the trip as well.  I’d like to thank the Stoner Astrologers at this website for providing me with all the background information I needed to complete this series…. even if the Engrish made it a bit hard to understand at times.  Well, gotta keep this whole astrological business a bit mysterious, I guess!

Fortune smiles upon thee!

I will hopefully have a new project to keep you looking forward to Fridays in the near future!