Spring will be sprung today, but not before The Nest finishes off its award winning messed up look into our beloved zodiac that has helped wile away your Winter blues. For the 12th and final installment of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac, we’re going to honor two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl and delve into the rather unique sign of Pisces. So just sit back and enjoy today’s fish fry that is certified kosher for Lent.
Among our lovable critters who reside here at The Nest, we have no fewer than four Pisceans. The adorable little Pigladillo (February 22), the squirrel pup twins Blaze and Sulphur (March 17, though I fittingly used them to represent Gemini), and the original character of mine that can trace her origins back further than any other… Sandy (March 12), who I first drew just a little over seven years ago. She will guide us through the murky waters of Pisces today.
Sandy was also my cover model for the final poster I made for my 2010 zodiac series…
Pisces falls at Winter’s end, from about February 19th to March 20th each year… a time when people seem to expect the weather to thaw out because wishful thinking makes them forget how our seasons work…
Pisces is represented by a pair of fish… and is currently on sale as a combo meal down at Long John Silver’s.
The symbol for Pisces is a hyperbola with the x axis running through it. When describing what your zodiac mark looks like brings back painful memories of college algebra, you know you have a shitty sign.
Being last in line, Pisces got what was left over on the body after all the other signs were done picking the good parts. That means Pisces got the stinky feet. Not that there’s anything wrong with having a foot fetish…
And of course, Pisces is one of the zodiac’s water signs. If you’ve been paying attention to this part of my astrology posts the past few weeks, and you too have fond memories of the NES’s original Final Fantasy game, then you know that I’m showcasing the Water FIEND. So it is finally time for us to release the Kraken!
For the first eleven signs of the zodiac, the Stoner Astrologers did a reasonable job of trying to make even the lamest of signs look somewhat cool. But they obviously gave up on trying to play nice by the time they wrote their page for Pisces. Let’s see what interesting tidbits we can mock about the Pisces personality…
Pisces is always in need of a virtual hug. As a Cancer, I can tell you there’s nothing wrong with being born in a fucked up sign, but Pisces takes their astrological bad luck personally. Pisces has the self esteem of a cattle skull bleaching out in the middle of the desert.
Feel free to reach out and touch Pisces, as they are always more than willing to be your own personal Jesus. Despite having numerous issues of its own, Pisces feels the need to feel the pain and suffering of others as well. Get off the cross, Pisces, and go find a doctor instead!
While you may believe that astrology is a bunch of bunk, Pisces doesn’t. Pisces is all about the spiritual world and the occult. If you’ve noticed any pets or small children go missing from your neighborhood during new moons, chances are you live near a Pisces.
Pisces’ ability to tap into the spiritual world also gives them natural psychic abilities. Before your next visit to the fortune teller, ask to see their ID and make sure they’re a certified Pisces before you part with your life savings.
Pisces are too busy licking their emotional wounds and playing tarot solitaire to be bothered with doing much of anything useful. You can lead a Pisces to their desk, but you can’t make them work… unless you can convince them that their work will help ease the suffering of stray possums in Pangea. Pisces will do anything to make someone they don’t even know happy…
Seeking out a sensitive, self-pitying Pisces for your very own?
If you are the kind of person who has serious issues, then you need not worry about attracting Pisces. They will come beating down your door so they can make your problems their problem. Then, while Pisces is valiantly serving as your human shield… you can find yourself a real lover who’s more interested in carnal desires instead of emotional drama…
What can you expect if Pisces realizes the only way to make you feel better is with a little sexual healing?
Sex With Pisces:
Sex with Pisces is an emotional and physical experience, and if you allow it, it will be a spiritual experience as well. Pisces are very good at, and love role play. Acting fully in their roles. They like to seduce. Role play that you are in an old fashioned brothel and get them to seduce you, they love erotic games for they are able to get completely involved and lose themselves in the erotic play. Pisces likes risque encounters and offbeat activities. A very fun partner for those who like different encounters and physical sex.
Please note, that is copied word for word from the Stoner Astrologers’ website. I could never come up with anything more kinky than that on my own. You can dress up Pisces in leather and high heel boots, but they’re only going to end up using that whip to flagellate themselves…
Well, now that we’ve managed to make Pisces summon a demon to destroy my blog, let’s take a look at where we can find Pisces in the world around us!
You can find stompable versions of Pisces in the Mushroom Kingdom…
Pisces can be found working at the 12th Precinct.
Sure, I could go for the obvious… but I’ll use a more subtle musical tribute to Pisces instead.
Pisces here, Pisces there, Pisces can be found everywhere in the land of Dr. Seuss.
And if you dig in the attic, you just may find a singing version of Pisces…
And now Pisces, put down the razor blades for a few minutes so you can read your very own life changing horoscope from The Nest’s certified team of stargazers!
Today will prove to be a difficult and trying day for Pisces, though that’s actually an improvement over how things usually go for you. Libra and Leo next door are having domestic issues, take it upon yourself to get involved in their affairs and help heal their relationship. Take them to your BDSM basement to rekindle their romantic desires if necessary. Get away from the worries of the world by planning an exotic vacation. Taurus will fill in for you at work, like they usually do when you’re not in the mood to accept reality. Beware of the cunning ways of Gemini as they try to lure you into volunteering for their church’s possum dinner fundraiser. You will teach them it’s impossible to pull the wool over Pisces eyes by showing them your place of worship and tying them down onto the pentagram. Draw upon your intense suffering to create art this evening. Make sure to properly feel shitty about the fact that your artistic gift doesn’t extend beyond making animal figurines out of your toejam collection. Poor Pisces, you need lots of support for your self-loathing. Cancer will drop by to give you a hug. Scorpio will follow soon after the smack the ever loving shit out of you. Your lucky numbers: 5, 13, 22, 38, boo hoo, and wah wah…. get over yourself, Pisces!
And thus concludes The Nest’s informative and irreverent look into the twelve signs of the zodiac. Whether or not you think there’s anything to astrology, it’s hard to deny that many people do identify with, and often live by their zodiac sign. I hope you all gained some astrological insight, and got more than a few laughs out of the trip as well. I’d like to thank the Stoner Astrologers at this website for providing me with all the background information I needed to complete this series…. even if the Engrish made it a bit hard to understand at times. Well, gotta keep this whole astrological business a bit mysterious, I guess!
I will hopefully have a new project to keep you looking forward to Fridays in the near future!
I loved that comic…reminds me of my shrink appointments.
What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger….
Thankfully most of my meds don’t have side effects…or else I really would be crazy. Bwahahaha!
I think life has more side effects than most medicines. Plus, it often feels like a suppository…
Very much so. LOL
The picture of the toes was hilarious! And I have to admit, I’ve saved a copy of the Happy Squirrel tarot card. No clue what for yet, but something. 😀
I found a lot of neat Happy Squirrel card images when I looked on Google, but that was the best one! I always thought it was some kind of gag card… but if it is, it sure has inspired a lot of artists! Hmmmm… maybe tarot cards should be my next project!
I’d but a tarot set that you designed.
I don’t think Cafepress offers up a tarot card template…. but now I’m thinking I need to make this a future project of mine. I’ll have to look into it…
my cousin is such a fish-thingy… think I will buy her the Billy Bass beast… do you think it’s still available somewhere? thanks for the idea, now I have the perfect birthday gift…
Since Pisces is two fish, get her two Billy Basses. I’m sure they’re on ebay or Amazon somewhere for about 2 cents….
I am a Pisces. I am in recovery. I will not try to fix your world. I will NOT try to fix your world. I WILL not try to fix your world. Om.
The stoners also mentioned that Pisces was the most likely sign to fall into the throes of addiction (As I’m sure they would know). Good luck recovering from your Pisces addiction… luckily for you, my world is prefect!
“Pisces has the self esteem of a cattle skull bleaching out in the middle of the desert.”
Yep. Well explained.
Sometimes I pull a comparison out of my butt and it still fits perfectly…
LOL! Funny post. Aww I remember Sergeant Fish. He makes such a pretty girl!
Obviously, or nobody would’ve ever fell for his prostitution stings!
Maybe you could next hit the personality types of the Enneagram? That’ll keep you going for another 9 weeks… Then you could hit up the 16 types of Myers-Briggs!
I’ve never even heard of any of that! I may take up Mental Mama’s idea and draw tarot cards next… we shall see!