ANGEL: So, how’s your entry for Merby’s Beatles Contest coming, Evil?
ES: Not good… I’m so totally stumped. This is nowhere near as easy as last year’s contest was. I can’t come up with anything worth sending in!
ANGEL: How can you not be inspired by lyrics from some of the greatest songwriters of all time? It seems like unless it involves being a smartass, a prevert, or gratuitously killing possums, your muse is absolutely useless.
ES: Give me a break, Angel! Have you looked at any of these lyrics yet? None of them make a goddamn bit of sense unless you’re stoned…. and MBRS took the last of my good stuff last night.
ANGEL: Oooooh…. no wonder I feel so weird today. Well, here, let me see if I can help you out. Let’s look at the first set of lyrics…
Across The Universe
Words are flowing out like
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
ANGEL: That’s so beautiful! If you could write poetry like that for me, Evil, you wouldn’t have to get your jollies when I least expected it…
ES: I don’t know what any of that even means! Endless rain in a paper cup!?!? How is that even possible?
ANGEL: It’s a metaphor, dumbass! How did you ever get to be an artist, anyway?
ES: Hey, don’t make fun of us Matchbook Cover University grads!
ES: Go Fighting Flints!
ANGEL: Here, try the next set of lyrics!
Baby You’re A Rich Man
Baby you’re a rich man
Baby you’re a rich man
Baby you’re a rich man, too
You keep all your money in a big brown bag
Inside a zoo, what a thing to do
Baby you’re a rich man
Baby you’re a rich man
Baby you’re a rich man, too
EVIL: Hey, I always liked that song! If I was a rich squirrel, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na! See I’d have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy squirrel!
ANGEL: Not THAT song, you moron! Read the words! This was written long before Gwen Stefani was even born!
ES: Oh… ummmm, wait a minute! What kind of moron keeps their money in a big brown bag inside a zoo?
ES: What would you do if you needed money and the zoo was closed? Or if the baboons used it to wipe their butts? Why not just put it in the bank or invest it in chileh futures?
ANGEL: You’re about hopeless, Evil! Try this one…
Good Day Sunshine
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine,
Good day sunshine.
I need to laugh, and when the sun is out
I’ve got something I can laugh about,
I feel good, in a special way.
I’m in love and it’s a sunny day.
ANGEL: Now how can you not draw a pleasant picture of a nice sunny day?
ES: Hey, you’re right! Even Jeremy from that Pearl Jam song could do that…
ANGEL: OMG!!! Were you dropped out of the tree when you were a baby squirrel!?!? Where is your sense of humanity?
ES: Humanity? Eh, I’ve never cared much for drawing humans. Maybe the next song’s better…
Hey Bulldog
Childlike no one understands
Jackknife in your sweaty hands
Some kind of innocence is
Measured out in years
You don’t know what it’s like
To listen to your fears
You can talk to me
You can talk to me
You can talk to me
If you’re lonely, you can talk to me
ANGEL: Don’t you DARE draw some poor critter getting jackknifed!!!
ES: Man, you’re taking all of the fun out of this for me! I was just starting to get on a roll! OK, fine, I have a nice idea…
ES: Not bad….
ANGEL: NO!!!!! That’s horrible!!! That’s not what that song’s about at all!!! I don’t know why I expected you to come up with anything decent to submit… Merby must’ve been stoned when she made you the winner last year!
ES: Well, I could always try the last one to see if I can come up with something that meets with your delicate sensibilities…
Lovely Rita
Lovely Rita meter maid,
Nothing can come between us,
When it gets dark I tow your heart away.
Standing by a parking meter,
When I caught a glimpse of Rita,
Filling in a ticket in her little white book.
In a cap she looked much older,
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a military man.
ANGEL: Just forget about it, Evil! I don’t even want to know what deviant thoughts you have in mind for poor Rita!
ES: Who me!?!?
ANGEL: You are sooooo not gonna win this year! And even if you do, I’m still gonna kick your ass!
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
Oh you will win!! That’s brilliant!!!! And the baboon thingy is an argument… you can’t use it anymore… no one accepts Babooney… or wait maybe in nigeria…
Nigeria deals in all currencies of the world… just so long as the currencies are being imported and not exported….
yes, that’s true… they give away 87 millions every day… so they need no babooney :o(
Damn it! Fiddler on the Roof came on the other day and I managed to turn it off in time not to be subjected to any of it…yet you still got that damn song stuck in my head.
Thank you for the education! My knowledge of Broadway doesn’t extend much farther than what I was subjected to from contestants on my Millionaire show. I knew there was a song by that name in :”Fiddler”, but I had no idea Gwen was sampling it in that song! That’s an accidental earworm from me then… 😉
Oh, I thought you were making fun of the Fiddler version by only mentioning the pop version (which I don’t think I have heard…thankfully) 😀
Yeah, you probably don’t want to check it out then… I like it so I know what that means! I’ll save the aural torture for Mondays and not dig up the YT for it… 😉
I’ll hold him down… 😀
You would get a lot of help, I’ll bet!
As a huge Beatles fan for the last 39 years, I really laughed till I cried on this one!
A paper cup full of endless tears!
This is fucking awesome…again, it looks like you might actually win this thing ES. I love it and my dogs just tried to lick the screen. 😀
Seriously….just epic.
Doglick…… yummy.
The dogs know a great post when they see one, my friend.
Maybe it’s better to not look at lyrics so closely. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel the same way about my beloved Beatles 😦 Tragic. Totally tragic.
It’s so much fun to pick apart things in the literal sense… it’s actually (along with absurd gratuitous violence) one of my main sources of humor…
Now, gratuitous violence — THAT I can wrap my head around. When Garry was a working reporter, one of his favorite expressions was “senseless violence.” He wanted to know how it differed from, say, “sensible violence.”
Wow, you did all the lyrics! Looks like you had a lot of fun with this. Could this be 2 years in a row? 🙂
We’ll see. I actually asked to enter just for fun, but Merby was having none of that. This is certainly not a better effort than what I did last year, but it was something…
How the hell am I going to compete in this?? I may as well just give up now! dammit. 😦
No giving up! Strive to beat me! You can do it! I’ll put Buster in your corner!
Hm, I’ll try. But it’s going to be hard to do! 🙂
Ooooh!!! Hot competition. yes you could be winner 2 years in a row! 😀