A Farewell To Tails

Bow down before your sciurine master!

Bow down before your sciurine master!

Beware the Ides of May, as they bring us yet another fascinating reader-suggested topic in my Prompt The Squirrel series!  I’ve got two more months worth of prompts sitting on ice, prompt logobut there’s room for so many more.  If you don’t see yourself on this list, you need to rectify that immediately if not sooner.  The contact form is your friend… inspire me!  Don’t be afraid to send me your nuttiest ideas…. trust me, your fellow Nest fans have already sent me some real humdingers!

Today’s prompt comes from Trisha, author of the Shedding Light blog.  Like me, she also photographs squirrels… and so many other cool things like “Seattle From the Sewer.”  So it wasn’t much of a surprise when she sent me a Friday prompt that included one of her pictures…

I would love to know what evil thoughts are going through this sinister-looking squirrel’s head. He looks like he’s up to something. Maybe plotting revenge for whatever happened to his tail….

evil squirrel prompt

Credit: Trisha Pearson

What thoughts are going through my mind, the humans are curious about?  Oh, trust me, they don’t want to know…. because if they had even an inkling of what I’m thinking right now, they’d all be heading for the hills as fast as they could scramble.  Why do humans always head for the hills when they panic?  It’s no safer there than it is out here in civilization…. or what will be left of your civilization after the squirrels have taken over.

I'm not sure how we'll make your cities look like this... but we're going to do it since that is what a post-apocalyptic world is supposed to look like.

I’m not sure how we’ll make your cities look like this… but we’re going to do it since that is what a post-apocalyptic world is supposed to look like.

What have I got against the human race, you might ask?  Well, nothing at first.  You see, I was once just an ordinary happy little squirrel… frolicking in the yard, burying my nuts, shaking my tail at the dogs.  So then one day, I decide to help myself to a bit of the seed in the birdfeeder hanging on the tree.  Hey, why should the birds get all the food…. lousy little winged creeps.  They ain’t good for nothing other than flying and pooping, and not necessarily in that order.

Beat it, bird!  This is a private bath!

Beat it, bird! This is a private bath!

So while I’ve got myself a maw full of bird noms, out comes the pesky little female human wanting to get all up in my business because I happen to be hungry.  Next thing I know, it feels like my rear end’s going out, and I turn to see in horror that this psychopathic lady has whacked off half of my tail with a butcher knife!  Holy fucking horror flicks, I bailed the heck out of there before she could turn me into fricassee.  And that, my friends, was the straw that broke this squirrel’s back.

That's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!!!

That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more!!!

A squirrel’s pride is in his tail, and mine was as beautiful as they come.  The chicks, they couldn’t resist me, you know?  And now thanks to this rampaging human, my big, beautiful plush wagger had been reduced to a stub that made me look more like the Easter Squirrel.  This meant war!  So I gathered up a bunch of my other buddies who were as sick of people as I was, and we had this big summit high up in the oak tree on how we were gonna take over the world from these furless creeps.

Four legs good, two legs bad!

Four legs good, two legs bad!

The first thing we realized was that we’d have to knock out the humans’ means of communication.  A team of kamikaze squirrels was swiftly assembled to gnaw on all of the major power lines across the country, cutting off electricity and shutting down the internet everywhere.  The most notable result of this was the mass panic that ensued when people’s cellphones suddenly stopped working.  Chaos erupted as nomophobes who were no longer able to update their Facebook status or take selfies in the bathroom mirror could not adjust to life after smartphones.  Some humans simply went mad, while others began offering live sacrifices to the Android gods in a futile attempt to get their phones to power up again.  Our plan was working far better than we’d expected…

OMG!  I, like, totally don't even know how to use this thing!  Somebody help me!!!

OMG! I, like, totally don’t even know how to use this thing! Somebody help me!!!

While the two-footers were preoccupied trying to adjust to being thrown back into the 1990’s, our next target was going to be their food supply.  All across the country, squirrel armies raided backyard gardens and ate or buried everything that was ripe, unripe, or still trying to bud.  Farmers’ fields were invaded to give squirrels a corn supply that would last for a thousand winters.  Sure, we may have lost a whole platoon of our brothers in a nasty combine accident, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few acorns now, can you?

We will never forget our fallen heroes.

We will never forget our fallen, fuzzy heroes.

Our finest hour occurred when the nation’s military decided to try cutting off our furry insurgency.  An entire armada of tanks was stopped dead in its tracks by a few squirrels darting into and out of the road in front of them.  We successfully took out key enemy targets with our air force of flying squirrels loaded to the gullet with atomic acorns that soon had the leaders of the free world begging for peace…. a plea to which we replied, “NUTS!”  Nothing short of the complete decimation of our longtime tormentors would be considered a victory.  Nothing short of my furry butt parked behind the desk in the Oval Office would be revenge enough for the affront that was done to my tail!

Hail to Chief Shorty!

Hail to Chief Shorty!

Well…. at least that’s how it would go if I were ever actually motivated to act on my evil desires.  I’m still pissed I got the three blind mice treatment by that crazy bitch, but you know how it goes for us squirrels….. oh look, a nut!!!  C-ya!

I guess I'll settle for being the President of this rock first....

I guess I’ll settle for being the President of this rock first….

Whew!  That was close now, wasn’t it?  Assuming the squirrels don’t actively rebel in the next seven days, be sure to come back next Friday for another exciting prompt provided by the people who actually bother to read my garbage…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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24 Responses to A Farewell To Tails

  1. fanrosa says:

    Poor squirrel. It reminds me of how Maleficent’s boyfriend slipped her a roofie and then cut off her wings. Seriously, I was probably the only little wimp in the world that cried during Maleficent.

    Meanwhile, you should read (stop laughing!) a book by Neil Gaiman called American Gods. Judging from this tale (ha!), I think you’d really dig it….

    • YAY! I need another book to help prop up my bed…

      That’s the same guy you and Draliman were all giddy about the other day, right? I’ll keep the name in mind…

      • fanrosa says:

        That would be the one, along with Terry Pratchett (who recently passed). I doubt that you’d like anything else he did, although I could be wrong, I just think you’d like the premise of American Gods. It’s probably even more current now than when it was written (maybe 10 years ago?)..

  2. that’s a weird way of docking… I agree…. that lady with the knife runs still free around or is she storaged in a cage now?

  3. draliman says:

    We’ve already been invaded by grey squirrels. It’s the beginning of the end!
    Very funny 🙂

    • Well… just recently anyway. But the red squirrels invaded first! They probably drove out the green squirrels long before the first human settlers arrived…. 😉

  4. Ally Bean says:

    You know, this is kind of a worrisome tale. What if this really happened? No selfies while squirrels gone wild. Why it’d be worse than cats and dogs living together, as they say.

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Who knew there was so much going on out there in the wild woods?

  6. Trisha says:

    LOL – I love this! I would even vote for president Shorty, if left alive after the Great Squirrel Apocalypse. Why not? I’ve voted for worse. This little guy with the bobbed off tail may have been temporarily distracted at the end of this post but I fear the potential crisis isn’t over. All the squirrel regulars have disappeared from my yard. Shorty, Tipsy, Ratty and Bob, they’ve been MIA all week. Perhaps they are assembling in the high oak tree? If I suddenly disappear from the internet, you know what to do – protect the power lines!

    • I’ll have to keep Shorty’s name in mind… I always boycott the Presidential vote anyway due to the stupidity that is the Electoral College. Since Buster didn’t win in 2012, I’ll do my best to give Shorty a shot in ’16…

  7. JackieP says:

    My mother has been at it again! Darn it. She has declared war on the fuzzy tails for years! But knife-wielding, well hopefully not yet. But you never know with my mom! I was always on the squirrels side, but mom is rabid about it. 😉

  8. Pingback: Tipsy is a Boy? | Shedding Light

  9. HaHa! “head for the hills!” We say that too and the hills with exceptions just consume people in a matter of days! LOL! Would squirrels spread their plan across the world and would they spare you personally because of your sciuridae,support?

    • That’s a good question… you might be spared since squirrels may not even know Australia exists. And we’d still have Hawaii as well… though I think it’s the most overrated state in the country!

      I might be one of the first ones to go since I don’t replenish the corncob feeder fast enough for them!

  10. The little woman with the chopper sounds like you’ve just described one of our Sisters!! Thanks for the giggle.

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