Beware the Ides of May, as they bring us yet another fascinating reader-suggested topic in my Prompt The Squirrel series! I’ve got two more months worth of prompts sitting on ice, but there’s room for so many more. If you don’t see yourself on this list, you need to rectify that immediately if not sooner. The contact form is your friend… inspire me! Don’t be afraid to send me your nuttiest ideas…. trust me, your fellow Nest fans have already sent me some real humdingers!
Today’s prompt comes from Trisha, author of the Shedding Light blog. Like me, she also photographs squirrels… and so many other cool things like “Seattle From the Sewer.” So it wasn’t much of a surprise when she sent me a Friday prompt that included one of her pictures…
I would love to know what evil thoughts are going through this sinister-looking squirrel’s head. He looks like he’s up to something. Maybe plotting revenge for whatever happened to his tail….
What thoughts are going through my mind, the humans are curious about? Oh, trust me, they don’t want to know…. because if they had even an inkling of what I’m thinking right now, they’d all be heading for the hills as fast as they could scramble. Why do humans always head for the hills when they panic? It’s no safer there than it is out here in civilization…. or what will be left of your civilization after the squirrels have taken over.
What have I got against the human race, you might ask? Well, nothing at first. You see, I was once just an ordinary happy little squirrel… frolicking in the yard, burying my nuts, shaking my tail at the dogs. So then one day, I decide to help myself to a bit of the seed in the birdfeeder hanging on the tree. Hey, why should the birds get all the food…. lousy little winged creeps. They ain’t good for nothing other than flying and pooping, and not necessarily in that order.
So while I’ve got myself a maw full of bird noms, out comes the pesky little female human wanting to get all up in my business because I happen to be hungry. Next thing I know, it feels like my rear end’s going out, and I turn to see in horror that this psychopathic lady has whacked off half of my tail with a butcher knife! Holy fucking horror flicks, I bailed the heck out of there before she could turn me into fricassee. And that, my friends, was the straw that broke this squirrel’s back.
A squirrel’s pride is in his tail, and mine was as beautiful as they come. The chicks, they couldn’t resist me, you know? And now thanks to this rampaging human, my big, beautiful plush wagger had been reduced to a stub that made me look more like the Easter Squirrel. This meant war! So I gathered up a bunch of my other buddies who were as sick of people as I was, and we had this big summit high up in the oak tree on how we were gonna take over the world from these furless creeps.
The first thing we realized was that we’d have to knock out the humans’ means of communication. A team of kamikaze squirrels was swiftly assembled to gnaw on all of the major power lines across the country, cutting off electricity and shutting down the internet everywhere. The most notable result of this was the mass panic that ensued when people’s cellphones suddenly stopped working. Chaos erupted as nomophobes who were no longer able to update their Facebook status or take selfies in the bathroom mirror could not adjust to life after smartphones. Some humans simply went mad, while others began offering live sacrifices to the Android gods in a futile attempt to get their phones to power up again. Our plan was working far better than we’d expected…
While the two-footers were preoccupied trying to adjust to being thrown back into the 1990’s, our next target was going to be their food supply. All across the country, squirrel armies raided backyard gardens and ate or buried everything that was ripe, unripe, or still trying to bud. Farmers’ fields were invaded to give squirrels a corn supply that would last for a thousand winters. Sure, we may have lost a whole platoon of our brothers in a nasty combine accident, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few acorns now, can you?
Our finest hour occurred when the nation’s military decided to try cutting off our furry insurgency. An entire armada of tanks was stopped dead in its tracks by a few squirrels darting into and out of the road in front of them. We successfully took out key enemy targets with our air force of flying squirrels loaded to the gullet with atomic acorns that soon had the leaders of the free world begging for peace…. a plea to which we replied, “NUTS!” Nothing short of the complete decimation of our longtime tormentors would be considered a victory. Nothing short of my furry butt parked behind the desk in the Oval Office would be revenge enough for the affront that was done to my tail!
Well…. at least that’s how it would go if I were ever actually motivated to act on my evil desires. I’m still pissed I got the three blind mice treatment by that crazy bitch, but you know how it goes for us squirrels….. oh look, a nut!!! C-ya!
Whew! That was close now, wasn’t it? Assuming the squirrels don’t actively rebel in the next seven days, be sure to come back next Friday for another exciting prompt provided by the people who actually bother to read my garbage…