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Welcome to another freakily fantastic Friday post in my series where just like during 80’s televised baseball games, you get to make the call! There are only eight Friday prompts left for me to tackle… unless you haven’t played yet and want to bump that number up a bit. Here is the well worn post with the well worn contact form where you can do so if you wish to make it look like I’m not just screaming into a sharknado begging for prompts.
Before I get into the submission I chose this week, I’d first like to say a few things about my lack of public speaking skills…
I hope you’ve had your coffee…
Most of you are aware I am very quiet, introverted, socially awkward, and all of that fun, fucked up stuff in real life. I have enough trouble trying to have a conversation with someone, let alone attempting to speak in front of a bunch of people who are watching me in my underwear. If you actually read the things I post here, you’ll notice usually once or twice in each post I will say something that makes even less sense than what I usually make. I’ll misorder our simple English syntax, or sometimes just use a random word that totally doesn’t belong.
Oh no. He just called the pitbull a pussy!
This is because my brain often seems to work at a different speed and independently of the other parts of my body that allow me to communicate. Whether I’m typing or speaking, I’ll often be thinking of one word, yet say or write a completely different one. The chances are pretty good if you are not someone I am comfortable talking to (which would be just about anyone I don’t know), the majority of my sentences will end before I reach the punctuation mark because I’ll just throw my hands up in surrender at the realization that I can’t even fucking communicate a simple thought without sounding like a babbling fool.
And paying a hefty phone bill because of it…
So with that being said in a possibly coherent way, it’s time to introduce today’s prompt and prompter. She comments as fanrosa, but I know her as Fanny. I knew her long before she started her Lacquer Quest blog as a part of my WWTBAM message board group. She is one of the few people who get to claim having had an active role in inspiring elements of the Evil Squirrel universe long before I ever even set paw on WordPress. Though the torty cat character I made for her has not become one of my regular characters, I do try to give her a number of cameos… usually as a somewhat perturbed bystander to the fucked uppedness going on around her.
And there’s always the very interesting old artwork…
Here’s what Fanny prompted me with, and you’ll see why I got the background info out of the way first…
You’re going through the junk mail from the last several weeks when you find a registered letter that got stuck in a weekly circular right between the Lowe’s advert and some Pizza Hut coupons.
You open it and discover that you’ve just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Best Achievement in World Peace by the use of Anthropomorphic Cartooning in a Lead or Supporting Role! And the awards ceremony is….tonight. Oops!
The the doorbell rings, you’re whisked away in a limo and, before you quite know what hit you, you’re walking towards the podium to deliver your acceptance speech.
Go!
Hoo boy…
(I’m pushed onstage as I hear a voice over the speakers announcing my win for some award I am sure they made up. The audience… full of international dignitaries, men and women of high distinction, and seat fillers dragged in off the street applauds loudly, but politely as I’m steered towards the empty podium. I look nervously out into the crowd as the clapping begins to wind down… not sure exactly what’s going on.)
Ummmm… (weakly) hello everybody. I… (taps on the microphone, sending an ear screeching feedback throughout the auditorium that causes everyone in attendance to grimace)… whoa, OK, I guess that’s working. (Nervously laughs) I’m so happy to have been chosen for this… er, Nobel Prize for…
(turns towards host) Hey, Nobel Prizes come with like a million dollars, don’t they?
Sorry, I already have your prize spent.
HOST: (Trying to act inconspicuously, grits through his teeth) Not until you give the acceptance speech, they don’t.
Oh, well fuck. I… (notices the shocked reactions on the faces in the audience. Princess Kate is trying to cover the ears of both children) oh… did that go out?… I… heh heh, sorry everyone. (Intensely begins fidgeting with the tufts of fur on his cheeks)
OK, it’s time to squirrel up and get serious here…
Best achievement in world peace by anthro… po… whatever that is… cartooning. Me? Gosh, I never thought my silly little cartoons I draw could have ever made such a difference. To think of the long time enemies who have cast aside their weapons to become offended together at my poorly drawn critters. Wow, MBRS… Angel… Rainbow Donkey…. we did this! We changed the world one poorly drawn comic at a time.
Let peace reign!
I’d like to take this time to thank a few critters… um, people…. um, whatever who helped make this world changing moment happen. I’d like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet. I’d like to thank my neighbor, the one whose POSSUM KEEPS FERTILIZING MY LAWN, for unknowingly providing me with the wifi to get these comics posted for all to see. I’d like to thank all 1,023 of my followers… hold on, I have the list of everyone right here… there’s (the host moves in swiftly to snatch the 20 foot long list away)… er, well, you all know who you are. I don’t think I could’ve pronounced some of those stupid foreign names without any vowels anyway…
That went over well with the international audience.
I’d like to thank squirrels for being so awesome. Skunks for being so…. skunky! Possums for being so squishable! Unicorns for being so…. damn hard to draw. Pigladilloes for being nature’s acrobats! I’d like to thank dogs and cats for not living together! I’d like to take this time to tell remind you all to go out there and hug a critter for…. just being a critter! Raccoons don’t bite…. too hard…. well, unless you want them to… course, I’m not much into that. Let’s extend peace to our furry friends in our lifetimes!
Do I have to kiss him?
People of the world, thank you for being so fu…. messed up and utterly mockable! I would have nothing to unmercilessly poke fun at if everything made sense. Thank you everyone for turning your cell phones into false idols! For embracing celebreality and truly caring about people you shouldn’t! Thank you for your hypocritical double standards… for being naive and misinformed… thank you, world, for selfie-ing with squirrels!
(The host gives a highly perturbed look and informs me it is against Nobel Prize policy to insert gratuitous links into acceptance speeches)
Heh… sorry, I don’t even know how I did that. Well, in conclusion….
The audience cheers loudly.
But I don’t get to say anymore. The host quickly beckons for security, and three rather muscled members of the event staff rather forcefully lead me offstage and toss me into the dumpster outside the backdoor. I didn’t get my award, or my check, or even the number of the cute stage model… and I seemed to cause a massive international incident when every country in the world simultaneously declared war on Norway just for inviting me to speak.
Alfred Nobel wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
I may be a scourge on the world, but I’ll still come back with another earth shattering prompt next Friday…
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
And after accidentally insulting nearly everyone, you walk away, tired but happy, against an awe-inspiring backdrop of mushroom clouds blossoming in the distance…
The perfect backdrop for the credits to roll…. though now I might have to end up giving an Academy Awards speech as well.
that was a fu..ing good acceptance speech! And Mr. Nobel should give you a second check with a million. The f-word is a sneaky thingy, it pops always up at the wrong moment :o)
btw: yes little white pup, kiss that dead possum and it becomes a frog :o)
I’d be willing to bet Alfie’s checks are as rubber as a bouncy ball…. you know, being dead and all for so may years. The kids have probably spent all the inheritance.
Nicely done sir. I particularly liked the part about the possum fertilizing your yard. GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!! 😀
Possum landmines… that might win me another peace prize!
“This is because my brain often seems to work at a different speed and independently of the other parts of my body that allow me to communicate. Whether I’m typing or speaking, I’ll often be thinking of one word, yet say or write a completely different one.”
I do this all the time and MOST embarrassing, I type a homonym of the word I mean — write for right or to for too or two … so I not only look like the Typo Queen, I look like a moron. I attribute it to oncoming dementia.
I think you should GET the prize and I personally will vote for you — if they let me. Which they won’t. Damn. Oh well. Maybe next year? If Norway still exists, that is.
The two that plague me the most are their/they’re and its/it’s. I know when each is supposed to be used, but for some reason, my dyslexic brain wants to type the wrong one each time. And I’ll miss them in one… two… three… sometimes even ten proofreadings. I’m not sure they’ll ever let me in Norway again… which is fine, they can have their cold country!
Me two, to, too!! I can proofread the same post over and over and still miss a dozen obvious errors. I don’t see them. I read what a meant to say, not what’s really there.
I think you did quite well in your acceptance speech. I would have just thrown myself into the dumpster to bypass the whole speech thing. Bummer about the check though. I would have enjoyed reading Evil Squirrel’s adventures in spending a million dollars. 🙂
That would have extended my Millionaire Journey series last year another six months or so… which might have caused my audience to go feral on me. I don’t need Regis’ million or Nobel’s million… I’ll just make it on my own one Mecca paycheck at a time…
Bravo!
(Bows, as he brushes trash out of his fur)
You sound like me! I often say or write rhyming words completely out of context, and I am totally socially awkward. When I was first asked to speak at a conference, oh my goodness, I was visibly shaking and forgot ALL THE WORDS! Thankfully I had index cards and just read from my cards all robot like. In fact, I was thinking of the fact that robots probably would do a better job and maybe they should just get them to publicly speak.
The second conference though, I was still shaking, but not as bad, and was able to look up from my cards at faces. There was this guy in the audience, I liked his eyes and my eyes kept meeting with his… Then my brain did this fantastic thing where I felt like I was talking to this one person with the nice eyes and a bunch of blurs instead of 300 other faces! It helped me a lot!
I love your posts so much!
I hated oral presentations in school, and have been pretty lucky to have rarely had to do any kind of public speaking since. I’ll remember to look for the nice eyes should I find myself in that situation again, though!
And thank you! 🙂
People of the world, thank you for being so fu…. messed up and utterly mockable!
A brilliant line that I feel is the highlight of your whole wonderful speech. Well said, sir.
*clap, clap, clap*
Yes, there isn’t much use for a professional mocker in a perfect world. Then again, I’m sure I could find issues with utopia as well…
Yay! Bummer not getting that check, though. I guess that means that dinner won’t be your treat?
That kitten and his expression was worth the price of admission alone. “Aw, jeez! He really went there!”
There should be kitten pictures in every blog post….
Anyone who wishes can join me in the Nobel dumpster for the post awards buffet… my treat!
Best use of kitten pictures in a blog post to achieve world peace is an entirely different category, and one I will never win…
I would hope you had time to prepare a speech which would assure a book deal, then worldwide tour in private jet. Please take turns with family and distant poor friends, too. 🙂
You would have to bring props, E.S. get their attention!
I’ll stay at home and write the book while everyone takes the plane for a joyride on me!
Thanks for sharing your plane and putting me on the list for my Joy Ride, E.S.
golf clap bunny says “bwavo” to you! 😀
At least someone didn’t boo me off the stage! 😉
also Shane says ‘cool guys don’t look at explosions!” ES walks off with explosion in background carrying golf clap bunny to safety.” My hewo” says golf clap bunny.
OMG! That’s the Dick in a Box/Jizz in My Pants guy! Good to see ES has always been acting cool in my gravatar!
he possibly inspired ol’ gift box guys! 😀
Brilliant. And yes, I get that too, the whole lack of link between mouth and brain, or fingers and brain. Most of the time I spot my typos, but if I’m tired it becomes very difficult.
I’m a lazy editor, so most of them end up staying in and getting laughed at for perpetuity…