Welcome to another freakily fantastic Friday post in my series where just like during 80’s televised baseball games, you get to make the call! There are only eight Friday prompts left for me to tackle… unless you haven’t played yet and want to bump that number up a bit. Here is the well worn post with the well worn contact form where you can do so if you wish to make it look like I’m not just screaming into a sharknado begging for prompts.
Before I get into the submission I chose this week, I’d first like to say a few things about my
lack of public speaking skills…
Most of you are aware I am very quiet, introverted, socially awkward, and all of that fun, fucked up stuff in real life. I have enough trouble trying to have a conversation with someone, let alone attempting to speak in front of a bunch of people who are watching me in my underwear. If you actually read the things I post here, you’ll notice usually once or twice in each post I will say something that makes even less sense than what I usually make. I’ll misorder our simple English syntax, or sometimes just use a random word that totally doesn’t belong.
This is because my brain often seems to work at a different speed and independently of the other parts of my body that allow me to communicate. Whether I’m typing or speaking, I’ll often be thinking of one word, yet say or write a completely different one. The chances are pretty good if you are not someone I am comfortable talking to (which would be just about anyone I don’t know), the majority of my sentences will end before I reach the punctuation mark because I’ll just throw my hands up in surrender at the realization that I can’t even fucking communicate a simple thought without sounding like a babbling fool.
So with that being said in a possibly coherent way, it’s time to introduce today’s prompt and prompter. She comments as fanrosa, but I know her as Fanny. I knew her long before she started her Lacquer Quest blog as a part of my WWTBAM message board group. She is one of the few people who get to claim having had an active role in inspiring elements of the Evil Squirrel universe long before I ever even set paw on WordPress. Though the torty cat character I made for her has not become one of my regular characters, I do try to give her a number of cameos… usually as a somewhat perturbed bystander to the fucked uppedness going on around her.
Here’s what Fanny prompted me with, and you’ll see why I got the background info out of the way first…
You’re going through the junk mail from the last several weeks when you find a registered letter that got stuck in a weekly circular right between the Lowe’s advert and some Pizza Hut coupons.
You open it and discover that you’ve just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Best Achievement in World Peace by the use of Anthropomorphic Cartooning in a Lead or Supporting Role! And the awards ceremony is….tonight. Oops!
The the doorbell rings, you’re whisked away in a limo and, before you quite know what hit you, you’re walking towards the podium to deliver your acceptance speech.
(I’m pushed onstage as I hear a voice over the speakers announcing my win for some award I am sure they made up. The audience… full of international dignitaries, men and women of high distinction, and seat fillers dragged in off the street applauds loudly, but politely as I’m steered towards the empty podium. I look nervously out into the crowd as the clapping begins to wind down… not sure exactly what’s going on.)
Ummmm… (weakly) hello everybody. I… (taps on the microphone, sending an ear screeching feedback throughout the auditorium that causes everyone in attendance to grimace)… whoa, OK, I guess that’s working. (Nervously laughs) I’m so happy to have been chosen for this… er, Nobel Prize for…
(turns towards host) Hey, Nobel Prizes come with like a million dollars, don’t they?
HOST: (Trying to act inconspicuously, grits through his teeth) Not until you give the acceptance speech, they don’t.
Oh, well fuck. I… (notices the shocked reactions on the faces in the audience. Princess Kate is trying to cover the ears of both children) oh… did that go out?… I… heh heh, sorry everyone. (Intensely begins fidgeting with the tufts of fur on his cheeks)
Best achievement in world peace by anthro… po… whatever that is… cartooning. Me? Gosh, I never thought my silly little cartoons I draw could have ever made such a difference. To think of the long time enemies who have cast aside their weapons to become offended together at my poorly drawn critters. Wow, MBRS… Angel… Rainbow Donkey…. we did this! We changed the world one poorly drawn comic at a time.
I’d like to take this time to thank a few critters… um, people…. um, whatever who helped make this world changing moment happen. I’d like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet. I’d like to thank my neighbor, the one whose POSSUM KEEPS FERTILIZING MY LAWN, for unknowingly providing me with the wifi to get these comics posted for all to see. I’d like to thank all 1,023 of my followers… hold on, I have the list of everyone right here… there’s (the host moves in swiftly to snatch the 20 foot long list away)… er, well, you all know who you are. I don’t think I could’ve pronounced some of those stupid foreign names without any vowels anyway…
I’d like to thank squirrels for being so awesome. Skunks for being so…. skunky! Possums for being so squishable! Unicorns for being so…. damn hard to draw. Pigladilloes for being nature’s acrobats! I’d like to thank dogs and cats for not living together! I’d like to take this time to tell remind you all to go out there and hug a critter for…. just being a critter! Raccoons don’t bite…. too hard…. well, unless you want them to… course, I’m not much into that. Let’s extend peace to our furry friends in our lifetimes!
People of the world, thank you for being so fu…. messed up and utterly mockable! I would have nothing to unmercilessly poke fun at if everything made sense. Thank you everyone for turning your cell phones into false idols! For embracing celebreality and truly caring about people you shouldn’t! Thank you for your hypocritical double standards… for being naive and misinformed… thank you, world, for selfie-ing with squirrels!
(The host gives a highly perturbed look and informs me it is against Nobel Prize policy to insert gratuitous links into acceptance speeches)
Heh… sorry, I don’t even know how I did that. Well, in conclusion….
But I don’t get to say anymore. The host quickly beckons for security, and three rather muscled members of the event staff rather forcefully lead me offstage and toss me into the dumpster outside the backdoor. I didn’t get my award, or my check, or even the number of the cute stage model… and I seemed to cause a massive international incident when every country in the world simultaneously declared war on Norway just for inviting me to speak.
I may be a scourge on the world, but I’ll still come back with another earth shattering prompt next Friday…