That 70’s Post

All aboard this blast from the past!

All aboard this blast from the past!

tuesday tvWhen we were young and foolish, we lived life completely oblivious to the fact that we would one day look back on those times as the good old days.  It didn’t matter how totally lame and ridiculous the pop culture of our formative era was, we will go to our graves thinking it was so cool when everyone was drinking Pepsi Free and trading Garbage Pail Kids.  Nostalgia is a way for us to escape the humdrum shittiness of adult life, and the fond memories of fads gone by often come so easily into our minds… even if we still have a hard time remembering what life was like before everyone over 18 months had a smartphone permanently attached to their paw…

It was, like, totally hard to sext on a rotary phone.

It was, like, totally hard to sext on a rotary phone.

It’s a proven maxim that what comes around goes around, and old trends generally get a rebirth after 20 years when the generation that came of age with them starts staring down turning 40 like Death is already sharpening up a scythe with their name on it.  So in the 90’s, there was a lot of reminiscing about the 1970’s.  While the youth of that day were donning unwashed flannel shirts with pants hanging around their ankles, the thirty-somethings were dry cleaning those old leisure suits and breaking out the old school roller skates.

How did anybody ever get laid in the 70's?

How did anybody ever get laid in the 70’s?

And as proof that acid flashbacks never quite go away entirely, some dipshit thought it would be cool to unintentionally mock everything about the decade, and actually started something called The 70’s Preservation Society.  In 1991, he used it as an excuse to sell a compilation album full of music that was currently playing in the world’s finest elevators.

Yes, thanks to the shitty recording technology of this video’s uploader, it looks like we’re discreetly viewing that ad through the neighbor’s blinds… but given the decor of the President of the 70’s Preservation Society’s office, any peeping tom would want to immediately gouge their eyes out with a mood ring.

Watergate obviously doesn't bother him.

Watergate obviously doesn’t bother him.

Our unnamed President of 70’s Preservation Society starts off by stating that he founded this excuse for receiving tax deductible dues to help keep the forgotten music of the 70’s alive.  Heaven forbid we live in a world that can’t experience the joy of listening to songs about hippies having public sex, interracial dating, or  a father shooting their daughter.

cyndi lauper

The music of the 70’s seems so fucked up… at least until we realize most of the best songs of the 80’s were about masturbation.

Mr. President gets up from behind his Pet Rock littered desk to tell us about the collection of pure 70’s iron pyrite he’s put together called “Totally 70’s.”  The compilation album contains a whopping 23 songs…. or about one billionth of the total number of tunes that were cranked out during the decade.  How such a small sample size can be dubbed “Totally 70’s” is about as much of a mystery as why ketchup that comes out of a fast food squeeze packet can be legally called “fancy.”

Only the best for your warmed over fries!

Only the best for your warmed over fries!

The leader of the Free world then goes on to claim that he’s only bringing us the very best of the era he’s totally stuck in.  15 of these 23 songs reached #1 on the charts, and each cut was a Top 10 hit!  Naturally, I had to check up on this claim by painstakingly researching all twenty-three of these bell bottom grooves… because there are no lengths I won’t go to in order to uncover the truth for my readers…

Or find something else to poke fun at.

Or to find something else to poke fun at.

The totally 70’s facts:

Fifteen Sixteen of these 23 songs reached the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.  Why exactly the Chief Executive of smiley faces would sell his music collection short in an advertising world where that is the biggest no-no is head scratching… other than the fact that he’s obviously a moron and probably huffed a lot of leaded gasoline in his day.

Of the seven songs not quite good enough to take the top spot, only six of them can claim to have once been a Top 10 hit.  Chi Coltrane’s “Thunder and Lightning” (which I embedded for your listening pleasure last week) only made it up to #17… making the 70’s Preservation Society President just as big of a liar as the Presidents we actually get to elect.

One of the songs, Mark Lindsay’s “Arizona,” was actually released in 1969…. a year that is not considered to be a part of the 70’s by members of the Gregorian Calendar Preservation Society.  If it existed in 1991, I’d swear this self-proclaimed head honcho of all seventiesness lazily did all of his research on Wikipedia.

I'd sell my 8 track player for a set of encyclopedias!

I’d sell my 8 track player for a set of encyclopedias!

While it’s obvious by now that this impostor to the suede throne of 70’s shouldn’t be taken seriously, there’s another element to this commercial that turns the fur on my tail into a frizzed up afro.  Although we are generally the most nostalgic about the era centered around our high school days, we also love to compartmentalize the history of coolness strictly by calendar decades.  Nobody associates disco with Pac Man because they came to represent different decades… yet their peaks of popularity were closer together than the rise of valley girls and the fall of the Berlin Wall… two things so totally 80’s, that everyone alive in the decade obviously had to experience them both!

Now that is totally 80's...

Now that is totally 80’s…

It’s the main reason I so despise the popular Bowling For Soup song “1985“… it’s so full of inconsistencies and even anachronisms (Who’s that other guy in Van Halen?  Really!?!?) due to the meshing together of popular 80’s elements from all over the decade supposedly squeezed together in one short period of a woman’s life.  Someone who dreamed of taking Tawny Kitaen’s place on the hood of Whitesnake’s car in the late 80’s was probably never much into Blondie, who had their last big hit in 1981.

But they were probably heavily into Nirvana just a few years (but one pesky decade barrier) later...

But they were probably heavily into Nirvana just a few years (but one pesky decade barrier) later…

If you were born smack in the middle of a decade like I was, chances are your best memories will forever be separated by the manmade nostalgia timekeeping barriers we put between sets of 10 years that aren’t even accurate to begin with.  This totally sucks because now you have to pay dues to two different decades’ preservation societies to truly fulfill all of your yearning for yesteryear.

Though it would mean you'd get two different cool, limited edition buttons showing off what a whore slut you are for nostalgia.

Though it would mean you’d get two different cool, limited edition buttons showing off what a whore slut you are for nostalgia.

Jethro Tull wasn’t the only one who enjoyed living in the past… and because there’s always an opportunity for a quick buck to be made at the expense of a midlife crisis, The Nest would like to salute The 70’s Preservation Society and its unbelievably stereotypical, leisure suited President for packing together the tunes that not only gently rocked the disco generation, but also the Woodstock and MTV generations as well.  We would be more than willing to turn back time and order your prehistoric compact disc compilation by written letter if it meant we’d have the funky joy of the most inexplicable #1’s of the 1970’s show up C.O.D. at our door three to four weeks later…

Ooh ooh ooh!!!  I got dibs on the button!!!

Ooh ooh ooh!!! I got dibs on the button!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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34 Responses to That 70’s Post

  1. Ally Bean says:

    “…your prehistoric compact disc compilation by written letter if it meant we’d have the funky joy of the most inexplicable #1’s of the 1970’s show up C.O.D. at our door three to four weeks later…”

    In that sentence, so many things I hadn’t thought about in decades! I’d forgotten all about C.O.D. altogether. Thanks for reminding me how better this era is than the 70s were.

  2. Mental Mama says:

    Can you at least admit that 1985 is catchy and fun to listen to? And the video is funny as hell since Tawny Kitaen is actually in it?

    • I can admit that the song is catchy and fun. I never have actually watched the video (and I even think I linked to it). I thought Tawny had dropped off the map. I think the last I heard of her, she was accused of beating Chuck Finley with her high heels….

      • Mental Mama says:

        If you have a few minutes, watch it. Much hilarity. The premise is great and they change costumes to match some of the different bands’ videos they’re singing about. And Tawny ends up on the hood of a little sports car doing her thang from the one White Snake video. Is awesome.

  3. Trisha says:

    How did anyone get laid in the 70’s? The hideous clothes alone should have caused extinction of our species. I’m going to be laughing all day over the idea of trying to sext over a rotary phone!

  4. It was great to take a ride in your time machine :o) my grampy always yelled about the hippies, he said they didhorrible 6-things in a house what they occupied… I asked him what exactly and he said: how shall I know that? I was never there… but what they did was sure horrible :o)

  5. The 1970s. The formative years. I must have been there because other than raising my kid, born in 1969, I don’t remember much except an endless series of parties interrupted occasionally by having to go to work … then hurrying through the day so we could resume the party. I don’t really remember the music, not most of it, anyway. Just the parties, probably because I was the one who had a house and the party was always there. Waiting for me. Every day. I needed three years of therapy to learn to say “Go away and call before you come back.”

  6. Merbear74 says:

    Can’t wait for totally 2000’s.

  7. draliman says:

    I was going to stick up for 70s music by naming some awesome 70s tunes. But I can’t think of any.

    • The President of the 70’s Preservation Society is going to send his totally groovy army after you!

      • draliman says:

        Oooh, I’m sooo scared 🙂 Is he going to distract me with his flowery shirt while his cohorts attempt to suffocate me with their massive trouser flares? Heh heh. Actually, that does sound scary and plausible 😦

  8. Well done ES! You would have made an excellent investigative journalist. I have to say I am a patient and tolerant wee person but people not doing their homework REALLY annoys me.
    How could one live with oneself making false and easy to disprove claims? 😀

  9. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I could hurt you (badly) for the “Arizona” earworm. So, I will retaliate with…

    • If you hurt me badly for every earworm I’ve infected you with, I’d have died a thousand deaths already!

      I am also glad I’m not the only person who connects those two songs with each other. I definitely prefer Indiana to Arizona, so I got the better end of this game! 😉

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        I connect these two along with “Please Come to Boston” and “Seasons in the Sun” for some reason. The whole “live-die-whocares” theme. 🙂

      • Now I’m thinking at some point I need to do a post about “twin songs” that get connected side by side in people’s brains for some bizarre reason, and ask people what theirs are. It would be interesting to see if there are any common pairings, as I would imagine these two probably are… especially for people like us who only caught them as oldies and linked them together based on them being two cheesy 70’s songs that mention states.

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        Oh, good idea! 🙂

        If I am not mistaken, I had the actual record for “Please Come to Boston”. My parents’ record collections were full of rockin’ hits like that.

  10. markbialczak says:

    If I didn’t still have my high school and college diplomas in a box somewhere, Bill, I wouldn’t be quite certain that I did live through the ’70s. Unfortunately I also have the reminder of my high school classmates posting old photos of us (me!) on Facebook to push the date of our (oh crap it can’t be) 40th reunion this August. In other words, I loved through this garbage in real time!

  11. The Cutter says:

    I’m glad someone else feels that way about the song 1985. (Aside from the fact that it’s a crappy song selling nostalgia and nothing else.)

    • It got foisted upon me by someone who knew I loved the 80’s, but apparently didn’t realize that I love what I remember about the 80’s (And as you found out, my deprived version of the 80’s) and not what American’s “collective memory” of the 80’s has turned out to be…

      That and I hate logical fallacies, which the song is full of…

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