Is it Friday again already? Well, I guess that means its time for me to roll out one of the final few reader suggested ideas I still have stored up in my tree and present another Prompt the Squirrel post.
We’re down to the final four, and this week’s suggestion comes from one of my fellow demented minds in the land of WordPress, the incredibly talented Draliman. His warped takes on the weekly flash fiction prompts have kept me entertained for years, and even won him a prize in my most recent Contest of Whatever.
So what wickedly clever scheme did Drali come up with to tickle my muse?
How about a sort of “behind the scenes” look, like they do with actors, only your critters stay in character (because that’s who they are of course). They could talk about the way they are, like Buster on dying all the time, Robbie and ES on working at Mecca, Wiki on life in America and so on. If you get my drift. Sorry, after 6 weeks that’s all I got!
What did you expect, death and misery? I don’t need to be prompted to provide that!
Well, if we’re going to have a behind the scenes look at The Nest’s characters after the comics stop rolling, I’ll have to find someone to host this little expose and ask all of the tough questions that nobody will want to answer. I’ll pick up a critter you haven’t seen on my blog before outside of my Gemini post earlier this year… crack reporter Skoop Panther. She looks like she can get some juicy footage from my gang that will make for some interesting reality blogging…
SKOOP: Good evening everyone, and welcome to another episode of Behind the Bloggers. Today, I’m going to spotlight those fucked up little critters that bandy about for your entertainment on Evil Squirrel’s Nest. Yeah, that’s a link to your own damn blog, ES. Not that you really need a lesson on shameless self promotion, dear.
ES: What good does a link to my own blog do when people are already on my blog reading this?
SKOOP: I figured it was the kind of thing someone who’s vain enough to draw themselves into their own comic strips would do.
ES: I’m an artist/character… just like an actor/director or a CD/cassette player. Besides, that guy who draws “Pearls Before Swine” does it too, and he isn’t even a critter.
SKOOP: But at least he’s funny as opposed to you… oh, I’m just boring myself and my audience bothering with you. I’ll be hanging around talking to the rest of your crew of rejects while you draw more tampon humor for next week’s comic. Toodles.
Hmmmm… “Do Not Disturb.” Well, that’s just begging for me to find out what’s going on behind this door. Well, well, well…. what do we have here?
ANGEL: EEEEEEK!!! This is a private spa!!!!
SKOOP: I can tell. Your friend must have thought the same thing.
MBRS: Beat it, bitch. You ain’t got no story here. You ain’t ever seen two squirrels in a jacuzzi before?
SKOOP: Only in some of your early films…
MBRS: That came before I wound up here at The Nest. A squirrel’s gotta start out somewhere, you know. I may play a floozy in the comic, but I’m a respectable gal off paper. Angel here…. well, she’s just as naive and derpy as everyone sees her.
SKOOP: Let me hit record here…this scene’s going straight in the teaser…
ANGEL: Oh no, MBRS! Do I look appropriate.
MBRS: For the love of Dog, Angel, put your paws down. Everyone knows we’re drawn without naughty bits.
ANGEL: (Drops arms and looks down) Oh.
MBRS: (Pointing to Angel) Sweet squirrel, but not the ripest acorn in the tree, ya know?
SKOOP: I think I got enough here…. thanks chicas. Don’t drop the soap without me rolling now.
I wonder what’s going on in here… I hear a lot of grunting and groaning and whacking. Oh, this should be fifty shades of sweeps week!
SKOOP: Well, if it isn’t the very odd couple playing together. Wouldn’t the public just die if they knew you two actually got along…
HOOLY: Damn, do you think (WHAP!) I can work with someone for all these years and not become (WHAP!) good friends with them?
SKOOP: So your confrontations in the comic are all just a show for the readers.
HOOLY: Naturally! we play games with each other (WHAP!) between takes all the time. It’s good for our teamwork and chemistry, not to mention our friendship… (WHAP!) HA!!! Game, set, match Pussycat!
ODYSSEY: Dammit, Skunkbitch!!! You cheated me again!!! (Breaks racket over her knee)
HOOLY: You better not slash my tires like you did after I beat you at Battleship last week, Oddball, or I’ll forward those racy photos of you from the interspecies dating rally to this curious reporter….
ODYSSEY: YOU BETTER NOT!!!! Grrrrr… I’ll just take out my frustration on Buster’s dressing room then.
SKOOP: And they think those reality show blowups are staged. That’s a big LOL. Let’s see what’s happening down the hall here… oh, well, what moron left these two pups unattended?
SULLY: KAPOWIE! You’re dead!!! I win again!!!
BLAZE: You little brat! That’s the first time you’ve beat me all morning! There’s mangy brother brains all over the arena floor!
SKOOP: Well, you two must be the squirrel twins who cause so much trouble in The Nest’s comics. How come Uncle Evil isn’t keeping an eye on you two?
SULLY: He doesn’t like to be bothered when he’s drawing.
BLAZE: Yeah, he likes to chase us around with a belt if we disturb him.
SKOOP: Oh really? Got any more juicy tidbits for me about your sweet uncle?
SULLY: Well, he’s not really our uncle.
BLAZE: Yeah, he just found us playing in the park one day and offered us some acorn candy to come back with him and pretend to be his kids for his blog audience.
SULLY: Want me to show you where his stash of Playsquirrel magazines are?
BLAZE: You’re just asking for the belt again, Bro!
SULLY: Rematch! Time to put the smackdown on my stupid Sis!
BLAZE: As if! I’m gonna squash you like a possum!
SKOOP: Ahhh, reminds me of why I enlisted my brother in the Marines at six. I’ll call Critter Protective Services later… gotta keep digging further behind the scenes here. Sniff… do I smell something burning?
SKOOP: Unsupervised rugrats seem to be rampant around this establishment.
WIKI: Oh, I’m a good cook, ma’am. My Mummy taught me how to make boiled possum when I was just a teeny hyeeny.
SKOOP: Is that an accent? You’re not from around here…. are you? Can I see your green card?
WIKI: My what?
SKOOP: Just as I thought, The Nest employs cheap, illegal child labor. This show’s so going to primetime…
WIKI: I’m only here as an exchange student.
SKOOP: Yeah sure, kid. I guess I’ll put a call in to Immigration as well after I wrap up here. Better pack your bags back for Dinkum Island, amigo. Hasta!
Moving right along…. Well, if it isn’t the “star” of the whole series getting a massage from some low class tramp.
BUSTER: Ah, the Press. One of the drawbacks of being so in demand. Whatcha want, toots? I’m a little busy here.
SKOOP: I’d have sworn I just saw you boiling in a pot just a few minutes ago.
BUSTER: Heh, everyone thinks I have such a hard job here, getting maimed and killed all the time. But I had it put in my contract years ago that I’d have a stunt double. I can’t have all of this beautiful marsupial sexiness get marred by all of the accidents my character gets put through!
PIGLADILLO: And you think I can!?!?!?
BUSTER: Well, if it isn’t my stuntcritter now? Are those second degree burns, or just another case of leprosy?
PIGLADILLO: I’d quit right now if they weren’t paying me more than you!
BUSTER: You better go find some Noxzema…. hey Skanks! A little lower, please. I asked for the deluxe service, you know.
SKOOP: Oh boy, I’m bailing before I have to ask for hazard pay. This is going to be the best expose on a cartoon blog in the history of yellow journalism! I can’t imagine what would make it better…. hmmm, either squirrels aren’t the only rodents around here, or there’s something making noise from this broom closet…. oh…. my….. Dog.
RD: (muffled) Help me!
SKOOP: So this is how The Nest treats its biggest talent. What did you do to deserve the BDSM treatment?
RD: (Still muffled) ES knows his whole operation is doomed without me. I’m the fan favorite, and he’d never find another rainbow donkicorn! So he keeps me chained up in this closet to keep me from getting loose and signing a better deal with a real comic strip! Please, call the authorities!!!! I need to run free!!!!!
SKOOP: Hold on, I want to get a good shot of this for the show… look really sad for me now….
ES: I’ll take that camera, and that notebook… you’ve seen enough. CLEM! ROBBIE! Come escort this nosy reporter off the premises at once! Her behind the scenes special is done. And after you’ve taken out the trash, move the unicorn down into the basement next to the septic tank! Now to pull the plug on this travesty…
Well, that brought an abrupt end to this week’s Prompt the Squirrel special. Thanks for the great idea that I had entirely too much fun with, Draliman! Join me again next Friday, as I hopefully answer another suggestion that won’t reveal any embarrassing skeletons in my closet…