Did you ever get the feeling you were being followed?
Go ahead, I’ll wait while you take a moment to look over your shoulder.
Whew! Nothing there but a shelf full of squirrel and pony figurines, right?
Sometimes, however, that perceived shadow is real, and it doesn’t go away when the sun hides behind a cloud. Who could it be now? Is it a jealous ex-lover? A secret admirer who loves your blog just a bit too much? Maybe if you’re lucky, it’s only an axe murderer.
But what if your tail had…. well, a tail? What if your every step were being copied by a squirrel?
Such was the situation a woman in Germany found herself in recently. According to this story from the Daily Mail, a lady (Whose identity was withheld so as not to become a target of the acorn mafia) was minding her own business walking through the streets of Bottrop when she noticed she was being “stalked” by an “aggressive” squirrel. The article doesn’t go into detail about what kind of behavior the squirrel was exhibiting to get labeled as aggressive, but the fuzzy follower must have really spooked our fraulein in distress, because she felt forced into doing something people rarely do with their cellphones…. make a call.
When there’s something mangy in the neighborhood…. Who ya gonna call? She not only notified the police, but called the emergency line on top of it!
Since it is apparently illegal to be a squirrel in Germany, the police immediately responded and arrested the stalking rodent. What kind of aggressive, dangerous, menacing critter was this vicious beast to have needed to be forcefully removed from the streets of Bottrop for the safety of its citizens?
Here’s the perpetrator of this ghastly crime…
After being booked and interrogated down at headquarters, this squirrel gone bad was examined more closely and found to be suffering from exhaustion. Well, no fucking duh after all it had been through! The sciurine scalawag perked right up after being fed some honey and apple slices from the prison kitchen. Poor thing… he only wanted some noms for his belly, and some rude bitch called the damn cops on him rather than part with the schnitzel she probably had in her purse.
Upon completion of his sentence, the squirrel will be transferred to a maximum security animal welfare center for further care. Sure, he may eventually be released out into the wild again… but with the baggage of an arrest on his record and weekly check-ins with a parole officer for years to come. That doesn’t sound like a happy ending to me for this railroaded squirrel.
Folks…. please. If you’re out and about and happen to find a squirrel constantly on your caboose, do not confuse its hunger and exhaustion with aggressiveness. Please, just throw him some peanuts, Tic Tacs, a wad of gum…. anything edible you have on hand. Don’t put an innocent squirrel on the Autobahn to a life of crime by having him arrested simply because he needed some food and a friend…