Every Breath You Take

I was only looking for a good time, honey!

I was only looking for a good time, honey!

Did you ever get the feeling you were being followed?

Go ahead, I’ll wait while you take a moment to look over your shoulder.

Whew!  Nothing there but a shelf full of squirrel and pony figurines, right?

Or maybe that's just me...

Or maybe that’s just me…

Sometimes, however, that perceived shadow is real, and it doesn’t go away when the sun hides behind a cloud.  Who could it be now?  Is it a jealous ex-lover?  A secret admirer who loves your blog just a bit too much?  Maybe if you’re lucky, it’s only an axe murderer.

Why haven't you been replying to my comments!?!?!?

Why haven’t you been replying to my comments!?!?!?

But what if your tail had…. well, a tail?  What if your every step were being copied by a squirrel?

I'm coming for you!!!

I’m coming for you!!!

Such was the situation a woman in Germany found herself in recently.  According to this squirrelsinnewsstory from the Daily Mail, a lady (Whose identity was withheld so as not to become a target of the acorn mafia) was minding her own business walking through the streets of Bottrop when she noticed she was being “stalked” by an “aggressive” squirrel.  The article doesn’t go into detail about what kind of behavior the squirrel was exhibiting to get labeled as aggressive, but the fuzzy follower must have really spooked our fraulein in distress, because she felt forced into doing something people rarely do with their cellphones…. make a call.

Just a minute... I need to flash back to the 20th century for a moment.

Just a minute… I need to flash back to the 20th century for a moment.

When there’s something mangy in the neighborhood…. Who ya gonna call?  She not only notified the police, but called the emergency line on top of it!

Vhat do you mean an aggressive sqvirrel is following you?

Vhat do you vant me to do about this aggressive sqvirrel that is following you?

Since it is apparently illegal to be a squirrel in Germany, the police immediately responded and arrested the stalking rodent.  What kind of aggressive, dangerous, menacing critter was this vicious beast to have needed to be forcefully removed from the streets of Bottrop for the safety of its citizens?

Here’s the perpetrator of this ghastly crime…

Public Enemy Number Awwwwwwww.

Public Enemy Number Awwwwwwww.

After being booked and interrogated down at headquarters, this squirrel gone bad was examined more closely and found to be suffering from exhaustion.  Well, no fucking duh after all it had been through!  The sciurine scalawag perked right up after being fed some honey and apple slices from the prison kitchen.  Poor thing… he only wanted some noms for his belly, and some rude bitch called the damn cops on him rather than part with the schnitzel she probably had in her purse.

Hungry hungry squirrels.

Hungry hungry squirrels.

Upon completion of his sentence, the squirrel will be transferred to a maximum security animal welfare center for further care.  Sure, he may eventually be released out into the wild again… but with the baggage of an arrest on his record and weekly check-ins with a parole officer for years to come.  That doesn’t sound like a happy ending to me for this railroaded squirrel.

angel mbrs stoned

I see nothing but more misery in this squirrel’s future.

Folks…. please.  If you’re out and about and happen to find a squirrel constantly on your caboose, do not confuse its hunger and exhaustion with aggressiveness.  Please, just throw him some peanuts, Tic Tacs, a wad of gum…. anything edible you have on hand.  Don’t put an innocent squirrel on the Autobahn to a life of crime by having him arrested simply because he needed some food and a friend…

Prison is no place to make friends...

Prison is no place to make friends…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrels In The News and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Every Breath You Take

  1. When my son was little, his friend Moses (really, his name WAS Moses) was followed by a baby squirrel. Moses, not being easily spooked stopped. The baby climbed up his leg and into his arms. The squirrel became his pet. The two spent many years together. Moses really WAS the chosen one.

  2. draliman says:

    I expect the police needed a fun human interest story. Or something for their Christmas party gag reel.

    • I just hope no real crime was occurring while they responded lights and sirens to this lonely squirrel. “Sorry, ma’am, we can’t respond to your bank robbery right now… there’s an aggressive squirrel who needs to be rounded up STAT!”

  3. JackieP says:

    Once, when I was a kid, I had a squirrel follow me too. I just threw it some chips I had and it stopped following me, well for that day. Every day I had to make sure I had something for that squirrel because he would follow me till I threw something edible his way. I didn’t mind, I was the neighborhood animal doctor back then. 🙂 It stopped once I went on summer vacation.

  4. Mental Mama says:

    Not sure which one I feel sorrier for, the hungry little squirrel or that poor cat in the shower.

  5. tmitsss says:

    The National Squirrel Appreciation Society approves this message

  6. Trisha says:

    That poor little squirrel! It looks so sweet and so tired. I can’t imagine calling 911 over a squirrel following me. I didn’t even think of calling last week when one snuck into my house and stole peanuts.

    • OMG, that squirrel would’ve had the book thrown at him for home invasion in Germany! This was quite obviously a lady who has no business ever leaving the house since she’d probably be afraid of her own shadow…

  7. Public enemy number awww is correct! What a sweet little fellow and a ginge by the look of him.
    The video was adorable and speaking of videos, did Fanning’s surf escape make minor news in America? Apparently his mate tried to help him and Fanning is quoted as saying “I punched the shark on the back!” Lovely sentiment of a tough aussie looking out for his mate. ❤

    • Europe is so full of cute little ginger squirrels! I wish we had more of them over here…

      I try to avoid even the major news since most of it is so depressing, but that is a great story and definitely a wonderful ambassador for Australia! The sharks in the news here lately have all been winning… if only one of those beachgoers would finally put their big boy swim trunks on and punch the next shark that thinks it can take a bite out of them! That would teach them!

  8. The Cutter says:

    That squirrel has now been set up for a lifetime of incarceration. Another example of how the system simply doesn’t work.

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