A Creature Of Hobbit

And at long last, I now know where this meme comes from.

And at long last, I now know where this meme comes from.

Well, this is it folks.  Today marks the end of the line for my Prompt the Squirrel series of prompt logoposts.  Seventeen of my readers were kind enough to send me something to work off of… and for the past four months worth of Fridays, I’ve done my best to come up with something creative and hopefully entertaining in response to them.  And Lord knows I’m nowhere near out of the woods yet with regards to PTSF, because thanks to my procrastinating ways (never put off till tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow), I saved the prompts I knew I’d have the most trouble with for the end.  And I sure saved a doozy for the finale… I’m quaking in my turban as Ed McMahon hands me the last envelope…

May the possum of poopoo peck you on the pucker.

May the possum of poopoo peck you on the pucker.

The final reader suggestion in my Friday series comes from Anxious Mom.  One of the first things I learned about her, other than her Little Man’s infatuation with his penis, was that she was obsessed with the Tolkein universe… so I wasn’t the least bit surprised when I noticed she had submitted a prompt that went a little something like this…

I would like to see your squirrels Lord of the Rings-ized. Transform them into a fellowship of sorts and have them in a scene from LOTR

Oh dear.... what do I do now?

Oh dear…. what do I do now?

In the Spring of 1990, I was on the verge of earning a D in my 9th grade Freshman Lit (first fucking period) class.  It would have been the only D or F I had ever gotten as a semester grade in any post-elementary school class I had ever taken.  But a deus ex machina by the name of “The Hobbit” swooped in as our final assigned book of that God-awful fucking class, and for whatever reason, I took to that novel enough to ace all of the quizzes and tests that came with it, and got to add another C to my permanent record.  Despite my obvious liking of the book, 25 years later I remember only three things about “The Hobbit”… Bilbo, Gollum, and the invisibility ring.  It’s the one and only time me and J.R.R. Tolkein ever crossed paths in this life.

Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, J.R.R.

Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, J.R.R.

I may have been able to dance around an earlier prompt about Scaredy Squirrel, but not many people even know books about fictional squirrels exist, so there’s little chance of getting called out on any factual errors and blatant misrepresentations.  But despite me being the master of bullshit who earned a lot of those passing grades in school by being a wizard at churning out an expertly crafted research paper from of about an hour’s worth of research reading stuff and several hours of just typing up random crap that looks good… there is no way in hell I can get away with the same lackadaisical approach for the subject of Lord of the Rings, a universe I know almost nothing about.  There are way too many people out there with Elfin tattoos and cosplay Hobbit britches who would be lining up to call me out on anything that is not certified kosher canon.

Though that may not be such a bad thing after all...

Though that may not be such a bad thing after all…

Well, let’s see… if I’m going to create a fellowship for this prompt and come up with some half-assed LOTR scene for them to act out, I better start doing a little casting of my characters into the book/movie roles.  Frodo’s the main character of the trilogy, and wouldn’t you know it, I actually have a ready-made Frodo ES in the archive…

There really is an ES avatar for any occasion.

There really is an ES avatar for any occasion.

Then there’s Frodo’s companion Sam… he looks like a good fit for ES’s star flunky Robbie.

Swords just aren't as easy to deploy as Mecca box cutters.

Swords just aren’t as easy to deploy as Mecca box cutters.

From what I can gather, Merry and Pippin seem like the comic relief tag team of the bunch.  Since I have way more female characters than male critters, it’s a given I’m going to have to do a little genderbending in this experiment.  Let’s assign these roles to everyone’s favorite frenemies Hooly and Odyssey.

The hobbit life is not for everyone.

The hobbit life is not for everyone.

Gandalf the wizard…. do we have a magic user among the gang?  Wiki isn’t quite right for the role, but unicorns know a thing or two about casting spells…

Fear the rainbow beard.

Fear the rainbow beard.

Aragorn… the man who would be king, or at least, so my cheat sheet I’m using for this post says.  For the series’ big, strapping studmuffinly badass, we can turn to none other than The Nest’s denizen who checks all of those Fabioan boxes and then some, Clem.

There's not enough wind in Middle Earth to make a hero's luscious locks blow fittingly enough.

There’s not enough wind in Middle Earth to make a handsome hero’s luscious locks blow fittingly enough.

Legolas the elf… let’s see… do I have a long haired blonde who knows how to use a bow and arrow?  Why yes, I believe I do…

There's not much cuter than a pointy eared skunkette.

There’s not much cuter than a pointy eared skunkette.

Now we need a rugged looking dwarf to play Gimli.  Ah yes… our prickly little porkypine Nabob.

First one to call me a midget gets a head-ectomy.

First one to call me a midget gets a head-ectomy.

OK, I think that’s a big enough fellowship to do something simple like destroy a magical ring.  Now we just need the right critter to play Gollum.  Someone who isn’t all that good looking and who nobody will miss should he end up getting knocked into a volcano full of lava.  Hmmmm…. let me think here for a minute…

Thank you for volunteering, Buster!

Thank you for volunteering, Buster!

OK, places everyone!  Let’s make up a scene where all of our characters are standing atop Mt. Doom, ready to destroy Sauron’s ring and bring peace to the land of Middle Earth.  And….. ACTION!!!

EVIL FRODO: So, I just drop it in this volcano, and that’s it?

RAINBOW GANDALF:  Yes!  Hurry up and complete the mission!  I have a class to teach at Hogwarts in half an hour.

MERRY HOOLY:  I say we just pawn the ring and use the money to have a kickass par-tay!!!  Whooooooo!!!!

ODYSSEY PIPPIN:  I protest this whole scene!  Mt. Doom is a protected national park, and it is against regulations to throw junk in the volcano!  Not to mention the environmental impact…

FRODO:  You’re all right, I can’t do this.

SAM ROBBIE: No, Frodo!  But you must, or else the critics will pan this film and we’ll never find work again!  Aragorn!  Do something!

CLEM ARAGORN:  I am going back in my trailer until I am allowed to wear my trademark sneakers on the set.  Any of you chicks want to come back with me?

HOTTIE LEGOLAS: You touch my ass again, Aragorn, and I’ll crown you with an arrow through the temple!

NABOB GIMLI:  OH, Jesus Mordor, is this about over?  It’s past my bedtime…

FRODO:  I think I’ll just slip this ring on and take over the blogosphere….

BUSTER GOLLUM:  Sigh…. give me that damn cheap ass Cracker Jack prize, stupid squirrel hobbit.  (Buster yanks the ring out of his hand then leaps into the volcano.  The ring is destroyed and Buster is burnt to a crisp.  The eye of Sauron Applewhite goes dark)

FRODO:  (Cough, gag!) The stench of burnt possum is killing me!  Let’s go back home and work on a prequel trilogy….

The star of the next LOTR movie!

The star of the next LOTR movie!

Wow… I made it!  I got through the final prompt with something that was actually….. well, at least it should get attendance points and a gold star on the progress chart.  Thank you Anxious Mom for making me learn a few things that may come in handy in a trivia contest some day.  And to everyone who participated in my Prompt the Squirrel project for the seventeen weeks it lasted, THANK YOU for giving me material to keep Fridays happening around The Nest.  I expanded my artistic boundaries, challenged my abilities to write about anything, and most of all… had fun with this!  I may revive this series at some point next year…

Because I'm such a masochist.

Because I’m such a masochist.

I have no idea what I’ll do with Fridays beginning next week… but I’m sure whatever I come up with will continue in The Nest’s tradition of fun, quirky and irreverent.  And if it ends up sucking marsupial mange… well, at least you can always take comfort in the fact that you’re one day away from cute squirrel pictures…

it's impossible to top a cute squirrel anyway.

it’s impossible to top a cute squirrel anyway.


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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34 Responses to A Creature Of Hobbit

  1. Trisha says:

    That was very entertaining! Good old Buster, so happily volunteering to be Gollum like that. 🙂

  2. If it hadn’t been for breaking my back horseback riding, I’d surely never have made it through LOTR. But being flat on my back for half a year in the hospital, it was the last books left in the pile. I was desperate. I read them. I loved them. I was hooked forever. But they are formidable and I’ve never been able to convince Garry to tackle them either, though he loved the movies. So you aren’t the only one.

    And you did a pretty cutesy job on this, even without being a fan and reader and all. You and I share the same deplorable study habits. Ah, well. An IQ has to be useful for something, and if not cramming for exams and writing bogus term papers, than what?

    • Being a good bullshitter is a great life skill. At least I use my gift for unimportant crap like this blog rather than things that actually matter like religion and politics…

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Wait, you never did my topic?

    I see how it is now. May several bad earworms befall upon you at the workplace.

    • Uh oh, I was afraid someone would say this.

      Did you use the contact form? If so, I either never got it or it wound up getting mixed up in all the other WP notifications I delete upon receipt. I remember a comment you made about Scratchy where you mentioned a possible prompt suggestion, but I can’t recall where that was now or even what the idea was. That was why I kept pimping the contact form page so I could have all the prompts in my email in one place and easily check them off as I went. Plus, I had everyone I’d received a prompt from listed in the official PTS page I linked to a few times so those who were still waiting could make sure I in fact had them in the ballgame.

      I’m sorry I missed you. I’m sure I’m doomed to an eternity of bad earworms anyway…

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        I think it was an email conversation where I sent you a related picture to the topic. I honestly don’t remember either 😀

        The easiest way to make sure I don’t do something is to remind me of it. Several times, even.

        No worries. Not like I am a grudge holder or have a Lego squirrel I can put into perilous situations or anything like that. Nope. 🙂

  4. draliman says:

    As a LOTR fan, I thoroughly enjoyed that! And well done on the series.

    But do I espy a missed topic from NAPR as mentioned here in these very comments? Could there be another Friday Prompt the Squirrel…?

  5. Ally Bean says:

    Brilliant, I’m sure. I mean I liked it, but I only sort of read Lord of the Rings when I was in college and had to read it, so I can’t comment on whether this is an accurate reenactment of the book or not. Whatever, it made me smile. Especially Gandolf the unicorn. Natch.

  6. Anxious Mom says:

    Haha I enjoyed this so damn much! Especially the unicorn gandalf 😄😄

  7. Anxious Mom says:

    Reblogged this on Strong Enough to Break and commented:
    If you enjoy Lord of the Rings, read this. Evil Squirrel is hilarious, especially with unicorn Gandalf 😄😄

  8. Mattmax says:

    Hottie: Secretly an assassin.

  9. Mental Mama says:

    Oh my. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Brian Jacques but if not you might be interested. He writes young adult type stuff that uses all talking animals as the characters. Way better than those filthy Hobbitses.

  10. hahahaha I have indian tonic on my keyboard now, I turned into a fountain as I saw the gandalf-donkey… if you have the time, please share more stories from middle-earth, I’m a fan of LOTR (even when the books are not easy to read).

  11. *snort* you have such a warped sense of humor! I love it! 😉

  12. Merbear74 says:

    I’m named after a fucking hobbit?

  13. gentlestitches says:

    I like Merry’s party suggestion and of course rainbow wizard. That was soooo entertaining. I am helping my boy choose his subjects for 2016 so your post was a fun break. 😀

  14. Love Rainbow Gandalf. However I suspect that J.R.R. is now rotating slowly somewhere six feet under in the Oxford area…!

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