You’re gonna love ES’s nuts!
So while doing my chores at Mecca over the weekend, I was running ideas for what to do with Fridays now that my latest series is over… but couldn’t come up with anything I thought was a winner. Coming off the surprising success of My Millionaire Journey, and the stoner goofiness of my zodiac series, I don’t think Prompt the Squirrel was quite the must-see event I had hoped it would be. Since my two longest running and most popular features run on the days bookending Friday, I want that day to showcase something that will continue to kidnap capture the same audience who loves my horrible drawings and goofy squirrel pictures.
You will read my posts whether you want to or not, fool!
While I’m busy kicking a mental soccer ball around the empty walls of my head trying to find Friday inspiration… at the same time I’m cursing how I’ve completely lost the momentum I once had for my wildly popular Retro TV Ad Tuesday feature. What started out as a kind of spinoff of my old Flashback Friday series turned into a no holds barred, full frontal assault on some of my favorite commercials from the past. They were me doing the one thing I do well… subtle and not-so-subtle kick to the gonads sarcasm. I kept the Tuesday ad posts coming almost every single week from May 2013 through July 2014 much to the delight of my fellow retro/sarcasm fans…
I couldn’t have done it without you, Douchepitcher!
But for much of the last year, I’ve gotten out of the habit of making time for posts during the mornings of my workweek. Many of my Saturday Squirrel and Monday Muzak/Cover Songs posts were written up in advance and scheduled… but it took a lot more time to do my Retro Ad tributes, and as such, they went from an occasional feature in the second half of last year to almost nonexistent this year…
At least I found time to nail this nerd to the wall in April.
So in an effort to get Retro TV Ad Tuesday off of life support, I’m temporarily moving it to my empty slot on Fridays when I should have much more time to pick commercial targets and use my poison keyboard to make them squirm. We’ll see if I can turn the series I have the most fun creating back into the much anticipated powerhouse it was back in The Nest’s good old days.
You know, back when C.K. Hope made dancing on police cars was one of my favorite running gags…
To date, I’ve come up with an astounding 75 official RTVAT posts… and in celebration of my attempt to move it to Friday, here are 13 (of course!) of my favorite Retro Ad posts from the past for you to ignore check out if you wish to see just how fucked-up awesome old commercials used to be, or if you happen to be bored…
The Fabulous 50’s – How is it one utterly unlistenable compilation album can make so many old people happy?
One-third of the people in this image have no idea who the McGuire Sisters were.
The Players Club – How Telly Savalas helped make compulsive gambling more accessible to everyone in the days before there were casinos on every street corner.
Hey, I love my suckers, baby!
Crazy Calls – Pre-recorded answering machine greetings for just $19.99 plus shipping and handling… it could have only been the 80’s!
Wait fo’ tha’ beep, homey!
Denorex – How one lesser known brand of dandruff shampoo wound up ruining guys’ lives one half of their head at a time…
Poor Randy is suffering from more than just dandruff, I’m afraid.
Tampax – Any ad for a feminine hygeine product is either going to be almost clinically serious, or atomically fucked up. This one is definitely the latter.
One hit wonders would sell their mothers’ souls for meal money.
Zima – When Crystal Pepsi just isn’t strong enough, try the most fucked up beverage of the 90’s!
So, how was Bronycon, guys?
The Franklin Mint Civil War Chess Set – People had entirely too much disposable income in the 80’s…
Sorry, Rainbow mane not included.
Mountain Dew – You may only live once, but extreme YOLOing in the hospital will earn you Retro Ad immortality.
The Nest is not responsible should you be struck by a flying can.
Hawaiian Punch – Mountain Dew may turn you into a batshit crazy twentysomething, but Hawaiian Punch will transform you into a violent thug.
It’s perfectly legal to slug tourists in Honolulu.
Gillette Fusion ProGlide Styler – I went thoroughly modern ES in this tribute to one of 2013’s most insanely you-can’t-be-serious ads.
This post will make you hate supermodels… er… OK, everyone already hates supermodels.
The Craftmatic Adjustable Recliner – Art Linkletter heartily endorses this post that would have ruined his career if he’d still been alive to see it…
Oh, ES! You say the darndest things!
Krazy Glue – How the world’s most infamous product that doesn’t actually work somehow became a legendary necessity.
Made from real unicorns.
And finally…..
Mentos – Whatever the people who made these ads were smoking, it needs to be made legal, dammit!
Wow! I suddenly feel so fresh and full of life!
So… will Retro TV Ad Tuesday Friday make a comeback? I guess we’ll see in a few days…
And apropos of nothing to y’all… a gratuitous 40th birthday tribute to someone who will never read my blog…
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
I remember so much things, that was great to wander with you through commercial-hades :o) I miss pepsi crystal and I miss Valerie… a little :o)
I don’t miss Crystal Pepsi at all… they could keep that crap! And I love the song, but it’s got a bittersweet taste to it these days….
Oh dear piggy heavens. I’m writing this in my scheduling ap as I type. I can’t miss any of these – snorts with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon
Hopefully I’ll come through then! I’d hate to be tarred and feathered if I failed…
I haven’t checked so maybe you have done this already, but with Dick Van Patten passing away recently, maybe something about the ThermoGuard windows? They were the major sponsors of lots of Sunday morning movies on the UHF stations! 😀
You mentioned those ads on one of my old posts before… the ones with the ringing phone? I’ll have to keep those in mind since I need to start hoarding ideas. I can’t even remember the voiceover, but I had no idea Dick Van Patten did ads…
I love seeing the commercials of my youth. Hawaiian Punch, Denorex, Mentos, etc. I loved Zima back then. So smooth and refreshing. I’m looking forward to seeing more.
Hopefully I’ll find some more doozies to mercilessly mock for everyone’s enjoyment…
OMG, I remember every single one of those ads. And a whole lot more. Ads featuring The Duke. Featuring Patricia Neal (Good to the very last drop!). Dancing Alka Seltzer. Mr. Clean, who wasn’t always white, but seems to have undergone a strange transformation. Aunt Jemima.
Over, around, and through … which was written by the father of a friend. Made his career on that one.
Ah, those were the days, when men were men, women were women, and advertising really SOLD things.
Mr. Clean has gotten a facelift just since I’ve been stocking the cleaning aisle at Mecca. Plastic surgery, no doubt… I have no idea how else he couldn’t be a wrinkled up old pruneface by now…
I look forward to all these flashbacks to things I don’t remember! I’d forgotten all about Valerie, even though I really liked that song back in the day and had another Steve Winwood song in my head last week. Makes me wonder what’s more fucked up, the 80’s back then or my brain now.
Definitely the 80’s… though there’s nothing wrong with having a fucked up brain… I certainly enjoy mine, usually! 🙂
Having a fucked up brain becomes a problem when you get so forgetful that you forget you’re cooking and leave the kitchen with a pan on the hot stove. That’s just one of the many dumb things I’ve done this week! Forgetting the 80’s kind of worries me too….
Big fan of the retro ad posts, Bill, and I think the move to a Friday slot will inspire you to some snark we’re going to really think is old school You. 🙂
I hope to deliver like the paperboy…. er, the milkman…… er, UPS!
retro posts are fun!
Especially when I get to poke things with pointy sticks!