It’s My Treet

Scientifically lubricated to go from mouth to toilet in 6.9 seconds.

Scientifically lubricated to go from mouth to toilet in 6.9 seconds.

Hey, I got one of those extended weekday weekends again this week… and with three hours or so to kill this afternoon I needed something to post about.  Why not delve in to the “most excellent contents” of The Nest’s spam folder to pull out some more terrific Treet for your amusement!  I’ve aired out my spam comments to be mercilessly mocked twice before, so that makes this Treet Tribute III, the Return of the Slimy Meat!

Who doesn't love sequels?

Who doesn’t love sequels?

Below are REAL comments made by UNREAL spammers from across the globe, and possibly even the galaxy.  Behold these pearls of wisdom that never get to see the light of day among my shitty posts….

armpit white cream wrote:

Ԍood post. I learn something new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon on a daily basis.  It will always be excjting tο ead through content from other authors and uѕe something from their sites.

That’s good, we should all learn something new each and every day.  For instance, I just found out today that there’s white cream for your armpits.  Whatever it is, I’ll bet it smells better than Axe/Lynx.  Feel free to use Buster from my site, he could use a good armpit scrubbing…

That's bug spray, Buster, not deodorant.

That’s bug spray, Buster, not deodorant.

Linux server management company wrote:

Did I note it was the forth most-used operating system within the world?

No you didn’t, though that may be because you’ve never commented on my blog before.  Or maybe the men who make money off of the furst, sekond and therd most used operating systems in the world deleted that note before I had the chance to see it.  You know they’re scared that they’ll be put out of business by the an obvious afterthought in the cutthroat industry of operating systems.

You've come a long way, Forth.

You’ve come a long way, Forth.

NI wrote:

An impressive share! I’vе јust forwatded this onto
a colleague who waѕ doing a littlе homework
on this. And hе actually ordеred me lunch duue
to the faϲt that I stumbled upon it fоr him… lol.
So allow me to reword this…. Thankѕ for the meal!!

Βut yeah, thanx for spending somе time to discuss
thіѕ topc here on your blog.

You’re welcome, NI!  I don’t know why you just didn’t reword that atrocity to the entire English language in the first place since that one line is the only thing in this entire bunch of gibberish that doesn’t look like it was spelled by a brain damaged honey badger.  Did it ever occur to you, though, that maybe your free lunch is courtesy of the fact that your colleague actually has a crush on you?  Hey, don’t be modest… bad spelling is so incredibly sexxy…

What did you say you slipped in this drink again?

Thanx for stumbling upon my hard topc.

Lasonya Melencamp wrote:

In simple words, faxless cash loans are for one and using an usage of the net Lasonya Melencamp this is attributed for the great amount of lenders that are present inside the financial market.

If those are your simple words, I’d hate to try and read anything you wrote with the help of a thesaurus.  I’ve never heard of faxing cash loans before, and I believe our government frowns upon duplicating its currency.  If I do find myself needing a loan, I’ll just hit up your brother John.  He still does things the small town way…

You say you need a faxless cash loan to invest in a white armpit cream factory?

You say you need a faxless cash loan to invest in a white armpit cream factory?

youjizz wrote:

I always spent my half an hour to read this website’s content everyday along with а mug of coffee.

I'd spit that mug of coffee out as well, ES.

I’d spit that mug of coffee out as well, ES.

Doggy Dans Online Dog Trainer members area review wrote:

I all the time used to read piece of writing
in news papers but now as I am a user of internet so from now
I am using net for articles, thanks to web.

Congrat ulations!  With your preference for small words and questionable syntax, you will fit in just good to the web.  Plus, now you don’t need it, you can let the dog shit on the news paper instead of your lap top…

What happens to pooches at Doggy Dans.

What happens to pooches at Doggy Dans.

Luigi wrote:

You will discover a table of overall health screenings and prevention actions
ehcouraged for girls or ladies in that phase of life.

Exactly what phase of life are we talking about here, Luigi?  Is “phase of life” a euphemism for “that time of the month?”  Why list girls before ladies?  I think the only prevention action ehcouraged for you would be a spot on the registered sex offender list…

Try playing second fiddle as long as Luigi has and see if you don't end up with your own issues.

Try playing second fiddle as long as Luigi has and see if you don’t end up with your own issues.

Warner wrote:

Exceptional post however I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic?

I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit further.
Thank you!

Since this bit of Treet was attached to this post, I have only one litte thing to say in response…

HOLY GOD FUCK, NO!!!!!

It's for the good of all girls or women, Warner.

It’s for the good of all girls or women, Warner.

Eloisa wrote:

White Vinegar is an extremely low-cost alternative, as you most likely have a
container of it at home.

Geez, has douche really gotten to be that expensive?  Or can I use it in place of white armpit cream?

Or try some white vinegar.  I hear Luigi has some in his cupboard...

Or try some white vinegar. I hear Luigi has some in his cupboard…

Jody Mccole wrote:

Below will be the details of your card: CARD TYPE: Inter-Switched ATM Card powered by VISA Card International WITHDRAWAL LIMIT: $5,000 Per day CARD VALUE:
$2 Jody Mccole now it is simple to access funds with unemployed loans but you need
to meet some simple requirements.

Wow Jody, thanks for the card I never applied for!  I’ll try to make due with only being able to withdraw $5,000 per day.  But I guess I can get by with that since it’s so simple to get an unemployed loan as opposed to all the red tape it takes to get a faxless cash loan.  Finally, I can afford to upgrade from the forth most used operating system!

The enforcer of unemployed loans.

The enforcer of unemployed loans.

Cara Daftar Sbobet wrote:

With havin sо much сontent and articles dο
yοu eνer run into any problems of plagorism or copyright violation? My blog has a
lot of exclusive content I’ve eіther written myѕelf or outsourced
but it appears а lοt оf it iѕ popping it up all oνеr thе internet
without my authorization. Do you know any methods to help stop content from beіng stolen? I’d truly аppreciate it.

Cara, I think the best way to put an end to those awful plagorists on the internet is to create content so wretchedly awful, nobody would dare claim it as their own.  This comment is a step in the right direction!

Die plagorism, die!

Die plagorism, die!

One more for the cyberroad…

steam keys wrote:

Do you have a spam problem on this website; I also am a
blogger, and I was curious about your situation; many of us have
created some nice practices and we are looking to swap techniques with other folks, be
sure to shoot me an email if interested.

Yes, I do have a nice practice for dealing with spammers.  I mock their nonsensical garbage on my blog.  Spammers may be hard to track down, but even they have feelings and a sense of pride, and quite often give up the sexx tape and payday loan business after I’ve exposed to the world just how dumb they really are.  I’d shoot you an email describing my technique, but since you linked to an online gaming website… I have a feeling if I shared my nice practices I’d just be sleeping with the enemy…

He who lies with squirrels will rise with

He who lies with squirrels will rise with creamy armpits.

Well, it’s about that phase of life for me, so I’m gonna put the lid back on the Treet can.  Don’t worry, this shit never expires, so I’ll be back with more someday!  I hope my expert spammers helped to entertain you today, or at the very least ehcouraged you to seek out an unemployed loan…

Uh, uh uh!!!  Stop plagorizing, Squirrel!

Uh, uh uh!!! Stop plagorizing, Squirrel!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to It’s My Treet

  1. Ally Bean says:

    I’m in awe of how the spam that you receive is so diverse and entertaining. My spam, not so much. Yours, filled with opportunities to mock and correct. Life is so unfair.

  2. Rhio says:

    I love the ones that make no sense.
    “I wish to communication with your personification soon’.

  3. I am changing my name forth – with (The Operating System) to Lasonya Melencamp. I feel that somehow, this will better suit my new look — witch is gong too inclood brite bloo hare and a credcard from that kewl compny that give u $5000 a day unemployed! i laught alot.

  4. thanks for sharing some “special” comments!!! I’ve got the white vinegar suggestion too… and I have to admit that it was super helpful… I remembered that I would use it as a desherbant on the boardwalk… not bad :o)

  5. HaHa! Great ead! Nom Nom. Artery clogging delight. As a young blogger I thought I had fans who loved me but didn’t speak good engrish until I happened to click on the link and find they sell naughty naughty blush blush all stages questionable merchandise. 😀

    • Apparently the crowd who buys that naughty naughty blush blush stuff all speak that same messed up language. On a totally unrelated note, I used Buster as my spammer to English translator…

  6. draliman says:

    I particularly like that “armpit white cream” is so up front about wanting to rip off your stuff.

  7. Mental Mama says:

    youjizz… now that is some classy… um… Yeah, I got nothing.

  8. Ah, the hours of joy that bad syntax, spelling and English can bring. I think that’s the only reason spammers exist.

    • I believe you’re right!

      A few years ago I found a blog that posted nothing but bad “Engrish” signs people took pictures of overseas. It’s so rude to laugh at good intention/bad translation mishaps, but you just can’t help yourself…

  9. Trisha says:

    This made me laugh so hard I cried! Where does this stuff come from? Are there companies that hire spammers and think they’ve hit the jackpot when finding someone that knows a few big words in English?

    • I don’t get the whole “business model” of spam comments either, especially since so many of them don’t even actually link back to anything, let alone a spam site. But I’m glad they exist as a source of cheap humor!

      • Trisha says:

        I don’t get the business side of spam either. I checked my spam folder. Two of the comments were from a porn site. Like I would just click on it, not noticing it had “porn” in the address? I guess it’s good that they’re not smart enough to be sneaky. 🙂

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