Surprise Inside!

Did I just give birth!?!?

Did I just give birth!?!?

friday tvThere will come that awkward time in life when kids are old enough to need to learn the cold, hard facts about how babies are made before they end up on a bad MTV reality show.  Prior to these magical early teenage years, however, children are generally fed the same kind of made-up parental bullshit about the babymaking process that keeps them believing Santa Claus can really fit his fat ass down their chimney until the bullies at school beat that nonsense out of them.  Wouldn’t it be great if some brave, innovating toy company would step forward to help educate our preteen youth on where their annoying little baby brother came from?

Don't worry, Mommy! You can always make me a new brother!

Don’t worry, Mommy! You can always make me a new brother!

In 1991, Hasbro brought all the fun of giving birth right into the bedrooms of little girls across the country…

Yes, Puppy Surprise was a stuffed bitch animal whose entire existence centered around the gimmick that she was knocked up and ready to add to the pet population.  And no, Puppy Surprise isn’t going to get the ultimate modern experience of a “natural birth” most mothers seem to want that generally involves plenty of pussified amenities that are anything but natural… no, the kids are gathered around this plush poochie to see how many little runts they can pull out of her zippered coochie.  Even puppy mill mutts don’t have it this bad…

What, you've never seen a girl stick her hand up a dog's vagina before on national TV?

What, you’ve never seen a girl stick her hand up a dog’s vagina before on national TV?

There are so many things terribly wrong with the whole concept behind this toy.  First off, Puppy Surprise was genetically designed to only be able to carry three, four or five puppies in her resealable womb.  Most of the toys were carrying triplets… but one out of every five Stepford Bitches was stowing away quads or quints.  Yes, for every little girl who was ecstatically running through the house showing everyone her armful of four or five puppies, there were four other girls who started crying when they found an empty uterine pouch after the third baby was forcefully removed.

There's gotta be a fourth puppy in there somewhere!

There’s gotta be a fourth puppy in there somewhere!

That was the whole “surprise” part of Puppy Surprise, after all.  It only took girls about 15 seconds after they tore open the box she came in to rip open Puppy Surprise’s unsuspecting womb with an emergency Caesarean and see how many baby stuffies they were going to get.  The most likely scenario of finding a three dog night was about as gut-punchingly disappointing as opening a pack of Garbage Pail Kids to find out you got a whole stack of checklists and that same damn puzzle piece you already had 87 of in your desk at school.  Most Puppy Surprise sets went from treasure chest to trash can faster than an unsolvable Rubik’s Cube.

How many puppies are there inside?

How many puppies are there inside?

Then there are all of the basic laws of biology that are being violated like Miley Cyrus at an awards show.  Anyone who has ever witnessed an animal give birth knows that it’s about as glorious an occasion as a bathroom break after a trip to Skyline Chileh.  You wouldn’t know that from the look on Puppy Surprise’s face, though.  It seems like there’s nothing she loves more than having kids open up her feminine insides and manually extract her offspring before she’s even had a chance to clean them off.  Not that the pups are covered in all of that nasty amniotic fluid and guts most newborns are welcomed to the world in… fuck, Puppy Surprise’s magic uterus can even create puppies born with bows on their head.  Believe that or not, Ripley…

One in five Puppy Surprises comes with a stillborn pup!

One in five Puppy Surprises comes with a stillborn pup!

Most mother dogs will get very angry if you try to fondle their new bundles of joy with your nasty human scented hands.  Not Puppy Surprise, though.  There’s nothing she seems to love more than having her litter taken off of her hands and away from her teats.  Well, other than having the puppies put back inside of her birth canal by her naive human caretaker, that is.  Puppy Surprise provides hours and hours of birthing and unbirthing fun for innocent children!  Who needs the awkwardness of those silly birds and bees talks anyway?

Don't worry, sexy! I know a couple of girls who will take the babies off your hands if this condom breaks...

Don’t worry, sexy! I know a couple of girls down the street who will take the babies off your hands if this condom breaks…

Amazingly, Puppy Surprise and its preverted take on childbearing not only wasn’t quickly removed from store shelves once Hasbro executives had time to think it over, but the fucked up formula was actually spun off into different species.  Soon, the same kids who had already abandoned their unwanted Puppy Surprise family on the side of a deserted road could pester their parents to buy them Kitten Surprise!  And Pony Surprise!  Who knows what else was on the drawing board before the whole line was finally and mercifully retired a few years later…

Only ONE possum baby? Mommy!!!! Take Possum Surprise back to the store NOW!!!!

Only ONE possum baby? Mommy!!!! Take Possum Surprise back to the store NOW!!!!

Puppy Surprise also taught children just how great poor pet management could be.  That old man on The Price is Right wants us to spay and neuter our animals?  Sorry, no can do.  It’s much more awesome when they have loads and loads of cute little offspring that are born with pretty bows!  And the more the merrier!  One in five unspayed pets will have four or five babies!  Breed baby breed!!!!

Possum Surprise jackpot!

Possum Surprise jackpot!

Toys will be toys, and as we saw today, the toys marketed for children can sometimes be even more fucked up than those made with adults in mind.  So for turning nature’s magnificent way of perpetuating the species into a short-lived childish guessing game, we at The Nest give a wet nurse salute to Puppy Surprise and her incredible, resettable eggs.  You may not have been the most accurate portrayer of the miracle of birth, but at least when the levee water broke, you could always count on having a supportive young audience by your side that was more than happy to let the dogs out.  And even though you may have severely traumatized four out of every five young girls in the early 90’s with your unproductive ovaries, you will still be our one and only puppy love…

Ummmmm.... you wanna stick your hand WHERE!?!?

Ummmmm…. you wanna stick your hand WHERE!?!?

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to Surprise Inside!

  1. Merbear74 says:

    I had a Pound Puppy. He was a boy. Never humped or anything.

  2. Quirky Girl says:

    I never had a Puppy Surprise. I feel like I’ve been short-changed; somehow deprived of the fascinating opportunity to watch my stuffed animal collection increase exponentially- simply by fishing around its insides to see what kind of goodies are waiting to be discovered.

    Love that pic of the girl about to push her brother off the cliff, btw. Just like those stuffed animals inside Mommy Dog, there must be more siblings in waiting where that one came from!

    • I have four younger sisters, so my Mom didn’t seem to have any issues just making more. But if I’d have tried to get the sister count down to a more manageable number, I’m sure that would have been frowned upon…

  3. I’m a little traumatised after that. I’m thinking perhaps that’s why I never had kids lol

    • You’d think Puppy Surprise might be an effective form of birth control. Then again, I’m sure there are plenty of 10 year old girls who really wish they could give birth to puppies out of a pouch…

  4. Trisha says:

    I wonder how many kids received a bite from the family dog while trying to find its zippered pouch? There had to be at least one or two that went looking for it! Toys like these make me glad I had boys. Not too many awkward questions come up while playing with Hot Wheels.

  5. atkokosplace says:

    Just say no to this surprise. Hahaha. Funny though.

  6. draliman says:

    Yeeks! That toy is just wrong. Where can I get one?

  7. even after all that years I would like to sue Hasbro for this crap…and Xavier Roberts for the uggly garbage patch sh*t dolls…and Mattel for pregnant Midge :o(

  8. Noooooooo.
    The worst was the pregnant Midge doll. Your sisters might have had a Midge. She is Barbie’s plain redheaded freckled friend. Barbie hangs out with her because she makes Barbie look even better. Anyway, Midge finally married her boyfriend Allen (who is better looking than Ken) and presto – Pregnant Midge. Just remove her tummy cover and you’ll find a baby. Considering Allen and Ken don’t have any working parts a tummy cover isn’t so weird.

    Hey thanks for the possum shots. Love those possums.

    • I don’t remember Midge at all, and have certainly not heard of pregnant Midge before you and Easy brought her up. That is even more fucked up than Puppy Surprise! The possums may be the most un-messed up thing in this post!

  9. First — I actually remember that advert and the OUTRAGE that followed it. Oh my GAWD … You can show murder, mayhem, molestation, and mutilation on TV … but NOT reproduction!

    Second, the picture of the dog and the guy with the flashlight is, of all things, a PBGV. I used to have a bunch of those hounds. They are amazing, hilarious, incredibly smart dogs who bark to much and will happily do anything to make you laugh. Their actual name is Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen, which is a small (not SO small, just short legged), low to the ground, rough-coated from the province of Vende in France. Rabbit hunting hounds, but my guys never got the whole rabbit hunting thing, but could find a candy bar wrapper in a field full of rabbits. They failed every hound field test, but could find their food dish blind-folded in a labyrinth.

  10. aww so cute in a disturbing sort of way! 😀

  11. markbialczak says:

    Just. Very. Wrong. Bill, they should have let the birthing process stay off of the toy shelves, human, animals, aliens …

  12. Now I feel somewhat sick. I’m glad I never had one of those! I did have a dalmatian pound puppy though, and he was cute. Can’t remember what happened to him now though!

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