Trumped Up Kicks

This is where they make Soylent Green.

This is where they make Soylent Green.

friday tvBoredom has existed ever since the days when the first prehistoric human dipped a brontosaurus bone in some blood and started drawing on the cave walls.  While it may be easy to whip out the old smartphone these days and put your brain into a Candy Crush diabetic coma, that option didn’t exist in the 20th century.  One of the more popular ways for Americans to keep themselves entertained in their down time before social media existed was with the good old fashioned board game.   Bored games often had tumbling dice, fake money, ridiculous rules and enough small parts to choke an entire army of three year old little brothers.  Fun for the whole family!

I hope you have a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

I hope you have a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Beyond the more recognizable games like Monopoly, Clue and Chutes & Ladders, there were also a whole slew of novelty games.  Back in the 80’s, you could play your favorite TV game shows on the kitchen table without having to go through the grueling audition process.  Heck, even Hawaiian Punch released a board game centered around its midget mascot’s tendency to randomly clobber innocent tourists.  In the era before handheld device technology, there was such a large demand for board games that seemingly anything and everything was being made into a game that could be played by those ages 8 and up.

Ooooooh, I gotta get myself a little piece of that action!

Ooooooh, I gotta get myself a little piece of that action!

In 1989, Donald Trump thought Americans would want to play a board game based on the life of Donald Trump.  Because he has more money lost in the seat cushions of his limo than you will ever see in your life, The Donald was able to make that game… and even nationally promote it with this classic retro TV ad…

While greed has always been a part of our capitalistic piggy was of life, for a brief time in the 1980’s, the deadly sin was actually celebrated and glorified.  We looked up to people who would cut their own mother’s throat to make a buck because we wanted to be filthy rich and powerful just like they were.

Welcome to the club, gentlemen!

Welcome to the club, gentlemen!

The commercial for Trump the Game starts off with a slew of business type folks pretending to give a rat’s ass about what Trump the Rich Bastard is about to do that probably isn’t legal under most SEC guidelines.  It’s quite a time travel shock to take notice that these rumors of “Trump’s new game” are being spread via such quaint mechanisms as landline telephones, newspapers, and even (gasp!) word of mouth.  No Facebook postings, no hashtags, no text notification from Possum News.  To think that it used to take HOURS for breaking news to spread back in the ancient days of 1989… how in the hell did we ever stay informed?

What's that? The Hindenberg crashed? Oh, the humanity.

What’s that? The Hindenberg crashed? Oh, the humanity.

To show that some things never change, we next see a throng of media members gathered in front of Trump the Tower scratching and clawing at each other in an attempt to get a sound bite or two from Trump the Mouthpiece.  Make no mistake, Donald Trump was a rock star during the 80’s for no other reason than the fact that he was America’s favorite billionaire mover and shake… and because he was something of an attention whore.  Trump the Egomaniac wanted Trump the Name on everything… and that’s clearly apparent once you take one look at this lame excuse for a board game.

Could we make the font on my name just a little bigger please? Thank you.

Could we make the font on my name just a little bigger please? Thank you.

Trump the Game captured all the dog eat dog first world fun of shady business deals and hostile takeovers in one exceedingly shitty playset.  Trump the Rule Book taught you how to play Trump the Game in slightly fewer pages than Tolstoy the Novelist told us about War and Peace.  To show the humble side of the money mogul, Trump the Face was plastered all over this game from the board itself to the play money to the stupid instruction cards.  At least someone at Milton Bradley thought maybe adding Donald’s mug to the dice and tokens might be going just a bit too far, so those were simply made into block letter T’s like what you’ll find on the monogrammed towels in Trump the Bathroom.  No matter how mind-numbingly awful this game may be… the whole time you’re playing it, your brain will never be allowed to forget just whose corporate venture this shitty waste of time was.

Trump the Marketing Team.

Trump the Marketing Team.

Sure, we may have all liked the property trading fun of Monopoly even if we didn’t understand just how fucking evil the real life concepts were behind it.  But Trump the Game put the cruel, hard world of corporate America right there in front of us without sugarcoating it in little green houses and red roof inns.  “It’s not whether you win or lose, but whether you win!” Trump the Motto told us.  Sure, it was always an adrenaline rush to own both Park Place and Boardwalk… but at the end of the game, when you’ve bankrupted your entire family from high rent charges and put them out on the street, just how well are you going to sleep at night?  Trump the Game was not something pushover parents were encouraged to coddle their kids with by letting them win.

Oh, fuck yeah! I just bought you out, Sally. As my new employee, you can go join fellow losers Junior and Grandma cleaning up the septic tank backup in my basement.

Oh, fuck yeah! I just bought you out, Sally. As my new employee, you can go join fellow losers Junior and Grandma cleaning up the septic tank backup in my basement.

Even someone as successful as Donald Trump can’t win them all, and needless to say, this poorly thought venture into the world of foldable game boards was an utter failure.  Trump the Game sold about as well as Pepsi the Crystal Beverage did, and the few copies that people were tricked into buying were quickly relegated to the bottoms of closets and the back shelves of thrift stores.  Buying up businesses and ruining peoples lives apparently doesn’t translate well into a board game… as opposed to successful concepts like performing amateur surgery on a man with no anesthetic, blindly firing missiles into the ocean, or attending a party with six idiot guests who apparently can’t tell if a man’s been shot, stabbed, bludgeoned or choked to death without peeking at cards.

I said you're a man, dammit!!!

I said you’re a man, dammit!!!

Here at The Nest, we like to stay out of the shitstorm that is politics and thus politely refuse to voice our opinion either for or against Trump the Presidential Candidate.  But because of our love of all that is cheesy, we have absolutely no qualms about providing a hearty non-endorsement of Trump the Game.  So today, we give a rousing bipartisan NAY to the self-titled box of unfun that attempted to bring the smoked filled dealings of the board room to the Doritos stained arena of the board game.  Evil Squirrel the Blog would also like to take this time to announce its bid to use the spare change in our Cafepress and Redbubble accounts to buy out WordPress and put Evil Squirrel the Gravatar on everyone’s homepage.  You’re fired, everyone.

Time to make a business deal with my new partner...

Time to make a business deal with my new partner…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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17 Responses to Trumped Up Kicks

  1. Quirky Girl says:

    I’ve always enjoyed a good board game, but I can’t imagine that particular one falling into any category besides bored game. Hell, even the Hawaiin Punch game sounds more promising!

    • I guess when all you can think about is putting your name on everything you can get your grubby paws on, you don’t consider little things like whether the game is actually fun to play or not. It kinda reminds me of the old Nintendo game Wall Street Kid. It was a video game where you invested in the stock market and tried to make money. If that isn’t pure, pixelated gaming fun, I don’t know what is!

  2. Trisha says:

    Wow. If I didn’t already think he was a total egomaniac, I would after seeing this game with his name and face plastered everywhere. I don’t even know what to say about it, except that I’m glad I never received it as a Christmas present! The whole Donald Trump phenomenon baffles me.

    I love the squirrel with the sword!

    • I’d totally forgotten this game had even existed until I went randomly looking for commercials on YouTube to mock and there it was. And how timely it was too…

      I used that squirrel picture for my Ides of March Saturday Squirrel last year. It looks like I had to have altered it somehow to get the pose perfect, but all I did was add the dagger to it! I have the unedited pic uploaded to my blog as well. Here it is…

      You can see how I instantly thought up the Julius Caesar theme from the moment I got it off my camera!

  3. draliman says:

    How did we stay informed back then indeed? In fact it has taken me until now – 26 years! – to learn that this magnificent game even existed!
    Have you noticed how complicated board games are getting these days? The last couple I’ve played we’ve ended up having a big argument about what the rules mean and then playing it the way we want. All good family fun!

    • I doubt I’ve played a board game since I was a kid… but judging from some of the newer games I see we sell at Mecca, I can believe that. It seems like all the simple ideas have already been taken, so there’s only room for the obscure. Everyone always made up their own rules for each game. Most Americans keep a pot of money that’s supposed to be paid to the bank in the center of the Monopoly board that goes to whoever lands on Free Parking, even though the space itself has no function according to the official rules.

  4. it wasn’t available in the old world… probably because the most people here think, that Donald is the sidekick of Ivana :o)

  5. I have never heard of this game (until now) but I do know a lot about Mr Trump because apparently he is going to be the next president of the free world. Well he said he was. I heard him on a news clip. ❤

  6. Ally Bean says:

    I would never have believed such a game existed. Leave it to you to know about it! That guy has been a con man from day one. *shakes head in disbelief*

    • The man sure knows how to make a buck. That’s why I have no idea why he’s running for President… there’s no money to be made there. But plenty of ego-boosting attention whoring opportunities…

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