Gym Dandy


What “XXXXXXXXXXXL Guy” looked like in the 80’s.

friday tvThere once was a time when our beaches were full of 98 pound weaklings innocently soaking up a healthy dose of skin cancer causing radiation.  And since this was an era when bullying was still perfectly legal, the chances were pretty good that Charles Atlas was going to walk up to them and kick sand in their face… and then make out with their nerdy girlfriend right in front of them.  The disgraced girly man had two choices… cry like a little bitch and pull his now-wedged bikini briefs out of his asscrack, or head to the gym and become the next sand-kicking badass.  Since most men chose the latter option, American males have long had a fascination with anything that promises to turn them into a musclebound freak who can crush soda cans on their forehead and open even the most stubborn jar of pickles.

Here, let me help you lift that bag of dog food in your trunk...

Here, let me help you lift that bag of dog food in your trunk…

The only way to get a body that accentuated your sculpted veins without suffering the roid rage side effects was to head to the gym and pump iron with the rest of the overly judgemental muscleheads.  But what if you were the kind of guy who was afraid of dropping the soap in the locker room shower?  Certainly there must be a way to get an exquisitely chiseled body from the comfort of your own home.  The prayers of Ahnold wannabes everywhere were answered three decades ago when a company named Soloflex came along… and if you stayed up late enough to catch their ads on cable TV, you could have had one of these little stud factories sitting in the corner of your leaky basement…

In the late 80’s, Soloflex flooded the overnight airwaves with Crisco slathered pornstar rejects showing us how we too could have a body like a Greek god if we bought one of their overpriced machines.  To demonstrate how Soloflex has turned this pretty boy in the short shorts into an unstoppable force of nature, we get to see him take on a team full of flabby, thirtysomething accountants on their lunch break in a game of flag football.  Despite the rules that limit the number of players you are allowed to have on the field, about 69 people try to tackle our hero during this one play as he dances and jukes his way to the imaginary endzone… each defender more pathetically inept and out of shape as the last.

The odds are pretty good one of these fatasses is going down due to cardiac arrest.

The odds are pretty good one of these three fatasses is going down due to cardiac arrest.

While Team Wheeze catches its breath and checks on their stock portfolios, Soloflex spends the last 25 seconds of the ad showing Touchdown Adonis’ amazing workout regimen on its machine set in a totally 80’s background…. the wimpy Huffy 10 speed bike, the totally tubular neon artwork stolen straight out of the video for “Ghostbusters.”  We can even see that our amateur bodybuilder is an architect by the blueprint on that table.  Tents aren’t the only thing this engineer is erecting in this ad, he’s also designing a brickhouse made out of abs and pecs of pure, American steel.

It must be casual Friday at the office.

It must be casual Friday at the office.

It’s obvious that our Soloflex model is dedicated to keeping up with his new exercise routine so he can continue to make a fool out of the accounts receivable department at the company picnics.  But most of the people who called the toll free number to buy a Soloflex machine quit using it before they were even ripped enough to tear the free brochure in half.  Soloflex became a multimillion dollar corporation in the late 80’s and 90’s by exploiting the desires of the unfit everywhere to turn themselves into lean, mean muscle machines, knowing full well most of the units they sold were about to become glorified bookshelves and places to hang dirty laundry the moment the motivation and willpower was gone.  Heck, about the only workout most people got from a Soloflex machine was in the effort it took to assemble the fucking thing…

Feel the burn!

Feel the burn!

Naturally, Soloflex didn’t become the big dog in the home gym business it did based just on hilariously inept commercials that usually aired between 2 AM reruns of The Donna Reed Show and Mr. Ed.  No, they kickstarted their operation with one of the first and most successful infomercials to ever not reflect the views and opinions of TV stations.  In less time than it takes to perform even one full Soloflex endorsed workout, you too can change your life by watching this highly motivational 1987 paid programming…

Featuring the world’s geekiest teen who allegedly turns into a model who later went to jail for embezzlement, you’ll feel like you’re back in high school as you watch this educational advertisement documentary about how you can turn your puny self into a virtual he-man.  Those halcyon days of being in the A/V Club will only be reinforced by the fact that the Soloflex narrator sounds like the same guy whose voice made us fall asleep during all of those nature videos that our science teacher taped off of The Discovery Channel.  Don’t forget to stretch before hitting the lights…

Contrary to popular belief, not all 80's workout gear was sexy.

Contrary to popular belief, not all 80’s workout gear was sexy.

In the Darwinistic world of survival of the fittest, it pays to have a body that will let you throw your weight around rather than throw out your back again.  And for helping to turn us from mushy mincemeat into bulgy beefcakes with one free brochure, The Nest would like to take this time to give a congratulatory slap on the chiseled buns to Soloflex for making us a stronger nation one lazy night owl at a time.  After exerting ourselves for half an hour just trying to get the apparatus out of the box, we’re more than ready to take on all comers at a physically grueling game of cornholing!  Bring your own body oil…

Hey, let's see those pecs!

Hey, let’s see those pecs!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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12 Responses to Gym Dandy

  1. Mental Mama says:

    There truly is such a thing as being too muscular. Pass the eye bleach…

  2. I used to write informercials. I’m not proud of it, but it paid the rent. I was a tool — a lackey — of the capitalist establishment. I was very grateful when I wound up hawking books because even a really terrible book isn’t as bad as selling used cars at usurious credit rates to poor people who had nowhere else to turn. People asked me what I did and I would tell them “I lie for a living.” After that, writing technical manuals for software seemed a very clean alternative.

    • I guess we all have to do a little dancing with the devil at some point to get by in this life. I’ve heard a few of our local used car infomercials (What else is on when your lunch break is at 2 AM?), so I’m well aware of the egregious truth stretching that goes on there…

  3. draliman says:

    As I get older I really need to eat healthier, get a gym membership, a machine at home, take up jogging and work out to improve my overall physique!
    But I can’t be bothered.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    If those orange shorts were a little higher…we’d see his twig and berries.

  5. ewwww! Please! LOL! What! I pay all that money AND I have to exercise? That can’t be right! 😀

  6. Quirky Girl says:

    I totally forgot those ridiculous Soloflex commercials with the “Crisco slathered pornstar rejects.” Yeah, that about sums it up. 😀

    • I guess if you’re gonna go through the trouble and embarrassment of getting a Brazilian wax job, you may as well find any way you can to show it off… even if it is in a shitty exercise commercial only insomniacs are watching!

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