Halloween At The Nest

Oh, shit.  I better dig a little deeper for more expired candy.

Oh, shit. I better dig a little deeper for more expired candy.

It’s been said there are fifty ways to leave you lover, and there are at least that many reasons if not more that I should not have woken up at the ungodly hour of 5:00 PM yesterday to sit at my kitchen table and hand out candy.  The fact that I generally despise holiday celebrations, the fact that I generally despise children, the fact that I generally despise interacting with strangers who walk up in my yard just because I have a porchlight on and the world’s most kickass Squirrel O’Lantern sitting next to the door…

Trick or treat, Mrs. Jefferson!

Trick or treat, Mrs. Jefferson!

But I do it anyway… year after year.  Why?  Well, there are a few practical reasons… first and foremost being my really bad habit of buying way too much fucking candy throughout the year.  Candy that mainly just sits inside its sugarcoated shell, patiently waiting for the day it’s legally declared to be expired.  Did you know that if you keep Sprees around too long, they’ll turn black?  Found that out the hard way after I bought an entire case that came into our store by mistake once, and only managed to plow through two boxes of them before I moved on to something else to rot my teeth with.

Spree... the perfect candy for a Rainbow Donkey... until they turn black like rotten underwear.

Spree… the perfect candy for a Rainbow Donkey… until they turn black like rotten underwear.

Second is the fact that despite being almost cripplingly introverted, I’m also very paradoxically a major attention ho (As if you didn’t already know).  As much as I love showing off my pumpkin carving artwork to you all reading my blog who say nice things to me while you are throwing up your breakfast over my latest possum drawing… I also want the entire neighborhood to see just what a talented artiste they have hiding away in that eyesore at the end of the cul-de-sac they’d probably wish got razed.  If they already thought I was probably a secret serial killer, they’ll no doubt be pleased to discover I have uncanny skills with a knife…

The same person who cut this could make an awesome Spleen O'Lantern!

The same person who cut this could make an awesome Spleen O’Lantern!

So I grabbed a big bowl and started dumping all of the unwanted candy I could find into it.  A bag of Nerds I’d recently purchased just because we only sell the good kind at Halloween… some Tootsie Roll midgees I’d forgotten I had… Wintergreen Life Savers from, er, I have no idea when…. a bag of those candies in the strawberry wrapper that I can eat a bag of at a time when they don’t get lost in my hellhole… a package of Starburst FaveReds that I hated to part with but didn’t want them to suffer the same blackened fate as the Sprees… and oh look, a bag of Airheads I got for Christmas last year!  I hate Airheads, so in the bowl they went.  Mix thoroughly and I had just enough toxic candy to get through the evening!

If only I'd have had some 30 year old candy cigarettes to hand out...

If only I’d have had some 30 year old candy cigarettes to hand out… no, I’d totally keep those for myself!

Or so I thought…

It had rained off and on most of the day yesterday, and I’d heard rumblings about trick or treating being allowed a day early this year, while also spying a whole gaggle of costumed kids at the end of my street while leaving for my bowling league Friday evening.  I wasn’t sure anyone at all would show up at my all-natural spider-webbed door… yet I easily had a record turnout.  About 25 kids in all, dressed up in all sorts of…. um…. something or other….

I did have one pony show up at the door, but it was a really crappy Rainbow Dash.

I did have one pony show up at the door, but it was a really crappy Rainbow Dash.

Apparently, the costumes of my trick or treaters isn’t a category my mind bothers to store information on.  Besides bad makeup-job-applied-by-rushed-parent Dashie, there was a pretty elaborate angel costume, a number of off-the-rack-at-Mecca Disney princesses, one Ninja Turtle (and I don’t even recall which one!), and a couple superheroes… one of which I’m pretty sure was Captain America.  Not that I don’t know what Captain America looks like… my brain just filed the kid away under “generic superhero”…

There were no Deadpools... I'd have definitely remembered a Deadpool.

There were no Deadpools… I’d have definitely remembered a Deadpool.

Part of that could be due to an incredible lack of imagination, and in most cases, execution that went into some of the so-called costumes the neighborhood beggars were sporting.  About half of the kids just had plain black clothes on with some cheap, crappy makeup slathered over their face to make them look like rejects from a grade school horror play.  Back in my day, we proudly wore costumes you could identify by the licensed design on the shitty, allegedly flame retardant jumpsuit and the plastic mask attached to a rubber band that would break your nose were someone to snap it back at you.  Everyone knew I was Stripe from the Gremlins movie for Halloween 1984… well, except those adults whose memories only retained me as a “generic movie monster”…

Maybe next time you won't hide inside with your porchlight off, bitch!

Maybe next time you won’t hide inside with your porchlight off, bitch!

But back to the quickly diminishing candy bowl.  I had to start dumping everything but my bag of squirrel corn in there to keep it from running out and having to endure an asskicking from a sugar-deprived gang of four year old girls in Frozen outfits.  I started dipping into my freezer candy…. hey, I have stuff in there I’ve long since abandoned as well.  I grabbed the half empty bag of Reese’s miniatures with more frost on the wrappers than an Antarctic iceberg.  An oh!!!  That bag of Hershey’s Kisses I bought over the summer not realizing it was a half and half bag mixed with nasty Hugs until the first time I opened one of the swirled chocolate monstrosities and nearly put the lethal cone shaped thing into my mouth.  Into the bowl and out into the kiddies bags they went!

Woohoo!  I found some chocolate bars to add to the goodies!

Woohoo! I found some chocolate bars to add to the goodies!

Having now dumped everything save the Easter Fun Dips I bought on clearance about 2 or 3 years ago into the bowl, I thought I had it made in the shade by 8:00.  But like Alex Rios counting the number of outs, I was wrong…. oh so wrong….

Oh.  Fuck.

Oh. Fuck.

Up drives a minivan full of kids from the poorer part of town to take advantage of the five houses on the street that were lit up like Joe Hazelwood on the Exxon Valdez.  I should have known… they seem to show up every year.  Nothing gets the porchlights switched off faster than when the riffraff starts nosing in and trick or treating outside of their territory.  Oh well, more expired candy out of my hands.  And in the end….

Whew!  And still enough left to make a nice start for next year's Halloween bowl!

Whew! There’s still enough left to make a nice start for next year’s Halloween bowl!

So was it worth it?  Hell yeah!  I purged my house of most of my old candy, managed to get exactly one compliment on DVL SQRL (Oh wow!  That’s real!), got to watch almost an entire baseball game on TV for the first time in who knows when, and best of all, I managed to catch up on my blog reading while waiting to overhear the next invasive rustling of the leaves I refuse to rake off of my lawn.  And just in time to get over-inundated again by NaNoJaBloMeGoGo starting today!!!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Too much to..... READ!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Too much to….. READ!!!!!

Anyone want a Spree?

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Halloween At The Nest

  1. we had nothing in our bowl after the attack of the two legged dwarfs…. I use crayons and drawing books and key chains instead of candy and chocolate, there is no expiration date and otherwise they ask for sugarfree or lactosefree treats and whatnot because of allergies, so I thought I’m on the safe side that way.

  2. Merbear74 says:

    But…but you didn’t have any chocolate!! I would TP your house for that!

  3. I’m laughing out loud until I came to NaNoJaBloMeGoGo. That was sort coffee out your nose and pee your pants funny (but I didn’t do either.) Hell NO I’m not doing it. But Joe Hazelwood might be. Thanks for another fun morning.

    • While I’m sure I forgot a few syllables, NaNoJaBloMeGoGo was my cute little name I came up with for the annual event a couple years ago. One of my followers at the time, who I think was participating (or trying to) in it even picked up on the name on her blog. I need to start breaking out of the weekly routines and posting more random stuff like this…

  4. draliman says:

    I panic-spent five quid – yes, FIVE QUID – on a tin of sweeties yesterday having belatedly remembered it was Halloween and how many kids showed up? Exactly none. Pah.
    There were plenty in the village but I think their parents were taking them to the houses of other kids at the local school. Plus I had to go out at 1845 as well 🙂
    Loads of sweets for me!

  5. We don’t celebrate this day in such a big way. Few theme parties here and there, ghostly costumes and music that’s it. I really like your carving. How artistically done. I really enjoyed this post.

    • Thanks! It’s interesting how Halloween has changed even in my lifetime, let alone since my parents’ younger days. It used to be primarily a kids holiday until it got hijacked by young adults dressing in overly sexy costumes as another party excuse, and the retail world who turned it into another commercial event just like Christmas…

      • Advertisements and media play a major role in making all festivals global.Valentine’s day is celebrated here with such enthusiasm and charm, no one can say that our parents didn’t even know the name of this day let alone celebrations.

  6. Anxious Mom says:

    candy cigarettes–that takes me back!

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha! That gif gets me every time…mom had 101 kids. It was fun passing out candy.

  8. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Aw, I love the Deaddy cartooon.

    We are non-fun introverts and don’t participate at all, but instead let all the kids go to houses like yours 😀

    • You should like it… I drew it for your trick or treat post last Halloween! I can’t remember what you gave me for it, though… maybe earplugs.

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        I know exactly where it came from, and I think I did the equivalent of dumping the entire bowl of candy in your bag. You won the internetz that day 🙂

  9. Trisha says:

    I really thought about being the bitch who hides inside with the porch light off. It’s a real pain in the ass to answer the door at my house: find the candy, down the stairs, hand out the candy, back up the stairs, all while Smarty is barking his crazy head off. Lucky for me, my husband was willing to do it. He must like kids a lot more than I do….

  10. Mental Mama says:

    We had maybe 10 kids total all night. I was giving the candy out by the handful and still had a ton left.

  11. I am SO glad I don’t have to do it anymore. I remember when they used to bring them in by minivan … dozens of adorable kiddies with their hands out. They used to complain if they didn’t get enough stuff. I do NOT miss it.

  12. We do over the top decorations and hand out lollies all night! I almost ran out two years ago and I know how that feels.Screeeeeam! You are giving kids fun memories which is a really good thing to do.

  13. Quirky Girl says:

    “If they already thought I was probably a secret serial killer, they’ll no doubt be pleased to discover I have uncanny skills with a knife…”

    Holy crap! This had me laughing so hard, from start to finish!

    I’m definitely an introvert, too. I just don’t possess the awesome knife-wielding skills, though. Which is probably just as well, for everyone’s sake…

    • I’m not sure where my skills came from, but somewhere along the way I must have missed a calling in life where intricate knifework was necessary. Well heck, I use a box cutter all night long at my job… but I can’t carve a box o’lantern quite like a pumpkin…

  14. I have way too much left over (and I will eat it) plus it was raining so Little Guy got way too much…and since I was in costume too (it’s the kid in me), people tried to give me candy too. I told them I was a Mom…so they slipped in extra in L.G’s bag “to share”. They don’t know that I don’t “share” candy! 😉

  15. For some reason, trick-or-treaters don’t call at the Priory. 😦

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