Scratchy had no soon pondered the arrival of her final scheduled ghost of the night when she noticed a dark, ominous shadow descend upon her from behind. She turned slowly to face her stalker… a large, behemoth of a blackened figure, who looked as imposing at it was scary.
SCRATCHY: Y-y-you must be the Ghost of Ponies Future!
The enormous, shadowy figure said nothing. It merely continued to stare at the petrified pony in intimidating fashion.
SCRATCHY: What’s the matter, Ghost of Ponies Future? Glue factory got your tongue? Not even a spooky moan like your more talkative predecessors?
GHOST: Dammit! I….. hold on a minute….
The ghost’s horn glows bright white, and within seconds illuminates its figure.
RAINBOW DONKEY: There, that’s much better. All black is not a good color for me…
SCRATCHY: You’re not a Pony! How can you be the Ghost of Ponies Future?
RD: First of all, it’s the Ghost of Ponies YET TO COME, not future! Everyone always messes that up even though it’s clearly printed on my business card. Second of all, in the future, Rainbow Donkeys become even more popular than you silly little ponies! There are no Bronies in 10 years… just Bronkeys!
SCRATCHY: Yeah, whatever Future Boy. Let’s get this look at Christmases YET TO COME over with so that I can actually get a little sleep before my Strawberry Alarm Clock goes off.
RD: Very well. Shall we…
SCRATCHY: Don’t tell me I have to…
RD: Grab onto my tail, dear.
Scratchy gets another aerial tour of the sleeping town, just narrowly avoiding a fat man driving a reindeer sleigh. Her and RD land in the shady office of the notorious black market fence Snuggle Bear.
SCRAT: So, come on, Chief! How much will you give me for this rare, vintage recording?
SNUGGLE: Get the hell out of my office, you mangy rodent!
SCRAT: C’mon, Boss! They don’t make cassette recordings like this anymore! It’s gotta be worth at least a thousand…
SNUGGLE: Dude! It’s fucking Kevin Eubanks! Nobody wants to listen to his shit! He’s the whole reason Jay Leno went off the air! The cover photo alone makes this cassette a complete piece of shit!
SCRATCHY: You know, I have that cassette in my collection somewhere! I’d have never guessed anyone else had one…
SCRAT: But that’s hot merchandise!
SNUGGLE: Whoever you stole it from should thank you for ridding them of it!
SCRAT: No! I lifted it from…. (Scrat leans in to whisper something in the bear’s fuzzy ear)
SNUGGLE: Oh? Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? You’re right, this is a quality recording that deserves to be enjoyed by future generations of shitty music fans. Sold!
Scratchy and the ghost leave for their next destination, but on the way there, she can’t help but overhear all of the talk of a pony of great importance passing on. Only instead of mournful and sorrowful tones, there seems to be a great bit of happiness in the voices of the townscritters. Rainbow Donkey guides Scratchy to a funeral parlor and into a lonely chapel where a covered body lies in state with no mourners present to pay their final respects.
SCRATCHY: So… just….. whose body is underneath this shroud?
RD: Perhaps you should touch the corpse?
SCRATCHY: Are you kidding? That’s totally disgusti…… OK.
Scratchy feels through the shroud and a cold shiver runs through her from horn to tail.
RD: Shall I remove the cover?
SCRATCHY: NO!!!! No, I….. I don’t want to see who this is! I can’t look….
RD: The pony who lies beneath this shroud was unloved and despised throughout Equestria. This pony had no friends, no admirers, nobody who cared whether they were alive or dead. This pony did nothing that benefited critterkind in any way…
SCRATCHY: (Turned away and practically a nervous wreck) Why are you telling me all this? Showing me all this? What does all of this have to do with anything that concerns ME!?!?
RD: It’s always about you, isn’t it Miss Scratchy. Perhaps we should proceed to our final destination….
Rather than fly or walk this time, Rainbow Donkey cuts to the chase. With another magical glow of the horn, the funeral home scene began to fuzz out and when things came into focus again, the two unicorns were standing in the middle of a dark, eerie graveyard.
Before them was a rectangular, six foot deep hole… a hole awaiting a permanent tenant.
SCRATCHY: Come on, don’t tell me this is that dead pony’s grave! This is just a tad morbid, don’t you think?
RD: Nobody ever comes here for pleasant reasons. See anyone you recognize?
SCRATCHY: See anyone I…. are you out of your horny mind? Are you sure this isn’t some kind of silly gag? Did my niece put you up to….
Scratchy is cut off by the muffled sounds of nearby sobbing. When she spots the gravesite the noise if coming from, her jaw nearly drops into the hole in front of her.
SCRATCHY: No. No… this can’t be….. she didn’t….. make it?
RD: Twilight never did manage to save up enough for the operation.
SCRATCHY: That’s not fair. Only 7 years old. Nobody should die that young. She was never old enough to grow up and find love. She was never old enough to know the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with a job well done. She was never old enough to….
RD: Your empathy never ceases to be lacking.
SCRATCHY: Sorry, I couldn’t help myself! I’ve always loved a good earworm…
RD: Speaking of worms… maybe you should take a good look at this grave marker under the light…..
Snapped out of her irreverent singing outburst, Scratchy slowly turned her head to look at the headstone…
SCRATCHY: Me? I’m the one who died? Who nobody came to mourn for? Who had their Kevin Eubanks cassette stolen from their cold, dead hoof? This is where you were leading me to the whole time!?!?
RD: All your life you’ve believed that the more money and power you could acquire, the better the pony you would be. And yet upon death, nobody will ever miss you. Tiny Tina lived but a fraction of your life, and she left behind more love and tenderness than your black heart could even stand to bear.
SCRATCHY: Tiny Tina! No…. no, this can’t be. It shouldn’t be! Ghost! These events you have shown me are only a potential future, are they not? Is there not still time to alter this course of events?
RD: (Looks Scratchy over) I dunno. You don’t look like a pony who’s ready to change her ways yet. Maybe a little taste of the afterlife that awaits you is in store…
Upon those words, the hole under Scratchy’s grave begins to light up and glow a fiery orange.
SCRATCHY: (Gulp) Fire….. brimstone…. Satan…. I guess that’s what I have coming.
RD: I think maybe you should take a closer look…..
Scratchy creeped up to the now bottomless hole in front of her and peered down…. getting a glimpse of her own personal Hell…
Scratchy immediately dropped to her knees in front of her ghostly escort…
SCRATCHY: NO! Please, give me another chance! I’ll change! Really, I will! This won’t be my future! It won’t be Tina’s future! I’ll make amends for all of my past wrongs! I’ll….
Rainbow Donkey lets out a bellowful, evil laugh as he rears back his front leg and boots Scratchy into the Pit of Bieber where she will be unable to rest for all eternity….
TO BE CONTINUED…
But I don’t want to be a Bronkey!
You either get with the times, or get left behind….
I’ll order my new T-shirt now I guess.
Pit of Bieber. LMAO
A fate worse than death…
Holiday Paul to the rescue!
Ain’t nothing worse than Bieber…..holy hell….hehehehe….
If any religious order wants to take over the world, all they need to do is make their Hell the Pit of Bieber. No sinner wants to end up there…
Apparently here in the UK the battle for the Christmas No. 1 is between the dear old NHS and the Biebs. I really hope the NHS win. I mean, I did buy 3 copies of their single from Amazon (it’s available in 3 different versions).
Looking forward to the next installment, my friend.
I don’t think I would want to hear any Christmas song sung by The Biebs… but then again, one of the songs being replayed over and over at work is a version of Rockin Around the Christmas Tree by none other than Miley Cyrus. It’s as annoying as you would expect it to be….
Bieber. Wow. That ghost plays hardball! My presents are wrapped. I’m exhausted. And it’s not even Christmas Eve yet. Sheesh.
I spent a whole three minutes having a cashier at work load up a handful of gift cards this morning. That is the extent of my holiday shopping this year, and every year… and even that was exhausting.
Bieber on the left, Amy to the right, change your ways FAST!
LOL! I’m sure Amy has a wing in the Pit of Bieber. Only the deaf would ever sin…
The Pit of Bieber – LOL! If the threat of that can’t get a pony to change her ways, nothing will. Hm, if hell is being personalized like that, I should think of changing my ways too.
It would be interesting to see what everyone’s idea of their own personal hell would be. I think mine would be inhabited by mobs of unruly children and rude customers!
The personal hell waiting for me would be a party. Or, maybe even a family gathering like we’re going to tomorrow. The Pit of Bieber is more appealing to me than mingling and being stuck indoors with a bunch of people!
Biedermeier? Hell? Completely believable! Too realistic!
A Bieber hell would get a lot of people (and ponies) to change their ways…
This is the best installment yet…The Pit of Bieber…black market Kevin Eubanks, earworms…classics can be fun for those who think they are boring. The right authors just need to create them.
It was fun rummaging through all of my junk to make this… everything that appeared in this story was something I already had on hand. Some of the strange choices that forced me to make came up gold! I love tweaking the classics like this… I’m a parodist at heart…
Just when I thought I’d heard every hideous thing that could ever be, an eternity of Bieber…
Surely even Satan Himself isn’t cruel enough to inflict that on anyone 😦
I’d imagine Satan Himself wouldn’t want to listen to that either! Maybe he has some great headphones, though…