Scratchy screamed in terror as she free-fell into the bottomless pit of horrific earworms. As her brain was being flooded with the worst of Bieber, she tried reaching out to the walls surrounding her as she descended… grasping and clutching at anything she could get her hooves on… hoping, praying for a chance to escape this hell no soul could ever stand to bear.
SCRATCHY: NOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!! PLEASE!!!! LET ME GO BACK!!! I NEED A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT!!! I….. I……
The walls of the pit turned soft and plush, and Scratchy soon realized she was tearing and clawing at her own possum fur covers. She had somehow returned to her own bed.
SCRATCHY: I’m…. I’m back in my bedroom! The pit… the muzak…. it must have really all been a dream!
SCRATCHY: Sweet Celestia, thank you for giving me this second chance! I only hope…. I hope I haven’t missed it!
Scratchy runs over to her bedroom window, opening it up and flinching as the crisp, bitterly cold winter air freezes every part of her through her skimpy PJ’s. She spies a squirrel wandering on the sidewalk below and calls out to him.
SCRATCHY: HELLO, good sir!!!
The squirrel looks up at the unicorn like she’s lost her fucking mind.
SCRATCHY: Tell me, sir! What day does it happen to be today?
SQUIRREL: What, is your cellphone dead or something? It’s Christmas morning.
SCRATCHY: Ahhhh, Christmas morning! I didn’t miss it after all! Say, lad, could I ask a small favor of you?
The squirrel puts his arms out and scrunches his face up in a “are you serious?” gesture.
SCRATCHY: Here, take this! (Scratchy tosses him a bag filled with about $100 in coins) Head down to Mecca and guy the biggest, fattest critter you can find and send it to the Cratchits’ home! Buy yourself something nice with the rest of it! Merry Christmas!!!
Scratchy closes the window and retreats back inside before the squirrel can even ask who the Cratchits are or where they even live. Our newly festive unicorn dons her best winter gear and strolls out of her office with the intention of spreading a little holiday joy. Just outside her door, she spies the pair of Sponkies who had solicited her the day before.
SCRATCHY: A splendid morning to both of you! Say, you wouldn’t still be collecting money for those whatchamacallits, are you?
SPONKIE 2: Ma’am, we promise not to bother you anymore…
SCRATCHY: Bother me? A creature who hates to see another critter endure the suffering these….. these….
SPONKIE 1: Wallabies
SCRATCHY: …These wallabies must put up with. I think they could use a little help from ponies like me who have the resources to give.
Scratchy flips a quarter in their cup. Both Sponkies respond with a shocked look on their face.
SCRATCHY: What’s the matter? Is a quarter not enough to help out a few misfortunate wallabies? Fine…
Scratchy tossed another quarter in the cup… again the Sponkies don’t quite know what to say at seeing the unicorn’s stark transformation from the greedy crone they encountered earlier.
SCRATCHY: Sigh…. you two are really asking a lot of me! OK, that does it! You’re going to force me to do THIS!
The Sponkies both cower and duck as Scratchy reaches deep into her pocket, not knowing what she intends to pull out. When they uncover their eyes….
…their cup is not only filled, but overflowing with coins of all sizes and denominations.
SPONKIE 1: We have no words for your generosity, ma’am! Thank you so very much!
SCRATCHY: Just make sure these donations don’t end up in Sally Struthers’ hands. Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful wallabies! Send me some pics of them for my wallet!
With a smile on her face and a spring in her gallop, Scratchy proceeds down the streets of Equestria, making sure to extend the greetings of the season to everyone she passes. When she gets to a home where a very loud and spirited party is going on, she barges on inside knowing there’s no use knocking when the house is rocking…
SCRATCHY: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!
The party screeches to an abrupt halt as everyone tries to make sense of an appearance by the most unlikely of visitors.
PINKIE: Aunt Scratchy!?!? Is that…. is that really you?
SCRATCHY: Of course it is, dear Pinkie! How could I resist an invitation to such a joyous affair? Hey, let’s get those speakers pumping again!
The festive music strikes up again as Scratchy outdoes herself cavorting and mingling with Pinkie and her guests. She even makes amends with the Foxes, promising them a bigger and better location she owns for their dance hall at half the rent they’d been paying before. For the two hours she spent there, Scratchy was undoubtedly the life of her niece’s party.
As much as Scratchy didn’t want to leave Pinkie’s party, she knew she had one more task to complete before the day was over. One final load full of holiday cheer to deliver. One last set of burdensome wrongs she had to make right. After a brief shopping sidetrip to Mecca, Scratchy marched her way to an area she normally never set hoof in…. the poor side of town. She had come to spend the rest of the afternoon with the Cratchits.
TWILIGHT: (Upon opening the door) Miss….. Miss Scratchy!?!? I…. I thought you were going to be working today.
SCRATCHY: Work? On Christmas Day!?!? Why, I wouldn’t dream of it! I thought you wouldn’t mind a little company for the holiday… and I even brought along some goodies for the little ones!
Upon hearing that, the Cratchit kids all gather around Scratchy… jumping up and down with excitement and expectation at the thought of receiving gifts this Christmas.
SCRATCHY: OK… whoa there, kiddies! Settle down! I’ve got something for each one of you! One at a time now! You first!
SCRATCHY: Let’s see what Santa Scratchy has for you this year…. why, it’s a Pokemon coin! It’s even got Charizard on it….. RAWR!!! Have fun beating the crap out of Pikachu, kid!
SCRATCHY: And for you….. oh, look! It’s an Ewok PEZ dispenser! He’s cute and furry just like you are, kid! I was hoping to get you the Jar Jar Binks dispenser, but he’s so damn popular, the store was out of them…
SCRATCHY: And for you… I got this slightly used bottle of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth perfume! You’ll have to beat the boys off of you with a stick, now!
CRATCHIT KID: But… but Miss Scratchy! I AM a boy!
SCRATCHY: Well, now you’ve got something to give to your girlfriend! Trust me, they love this stuff more than diamonds and new iPhone cases…
SCRATCHY: And for you, my child, you get this awesome old school Weeble! You know what they say, Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall…
SCRATCHY: Errrr… nevermind. Here’s the receipt, kid. Take it back and buy yourself a Red Ryder BB gun or something.
SCRATCHY: Last but not least, you get this awesome bobblehead of the Cleveland Indians’ politically correct mascot Slider! You can have hours of fun with him while he scares off the roaches from the pantry.
TWILIGHT: Miss Scratchy! I’m absolutely floored by your generosity to my children this Christmas! But what about…..
TINY TINA: (Peeking out from behind her Pa) Hiya, Miss Scratchy!
SCRATCHY: Well, there’s your darling little daughter right there! How could I not bring her something?
Scratchy dug deep into her pocket and pulled out a small, leather case that reeked of musty air and neglect. In front of Tiny Tina and her entire family, she slowly opened up the case to reveal its shiny contents…
SCRATCHY: I bought these three silver coins off one of those late night shopping channels a long time ago. Their skyrocketing value always excited me…. until I became so wealthy from my business that I pretty much forgot I even had them. Individually, each coin in worth untold thousands of dollars. One of them will surely pay to have this beautiful unicorn’s prolapsing horn taken care of. Another should be sufficient to ensure all of your children get the chance to attend a good college. And with the third… my wish is that you continue the chain of generosity and help those who really need it… whether it be another struggling family or some starving wallabies halfway across the world. Oh, and I’m pretty sure there’ll still be enough left out of all that to buy this little girl that rag doll she’s had her eyes on!
TINY TINA: Miss Scratchy!!! How did you know I….
SCRATCHY: (winking) I got some inside information from a few spiritual friends of mine…
TWILIGHT: Miss Scratchy, I…
SCRATCHY: Enough of that Miss Scratchy hogwash, Twilght! That’s no proper way for one partner to address the other…
TWILIGHT: I… wait!!! Partner!?!? What do you mean…..
TWILIGHT: Miss…. I mean, Scratchy! I can’t believe….
AJ: Oh this is the best Christmas ever!!!! We all need to celebrate over the table before the food gets cold! Some strange squirrel brought by the most delicious possum this morning for our dinner!
And so, Scratchy and the Cratchit clan enjoyed a wonderfully bountiful feast for Christmas dinner, followed by hours of good times and holiday fun as the erstwhile miserly unicorn got to know her new partner and her family for the first time. Scratchy even took the time to play with the kids and their new toys she had bought them… but most of all, that day Scratchy built up a strong relationship with Tiny Tina. As she grew up, Scratchy was even able to nurture Tina’s budding singing voice and use her connections within the music industry to turn her into the next pop star diva. The muzak at the office was never sweeter, the Pit of Bieber was closed for all of eternity, and everyone involved lived happily ever after!
Today is The Nest’s four year anniversary (or blogiversary as they like to say in the sphere), and this corny Christmas play made with my collection of critters was a small thank you to everyone who bothers to read and respond to the rubbish I’ve posted here all these years. Some of you even provided me with a number of the characters that participated in this play. Have a Merry Christmas or a Happy Whatever Floats Your Boat, and I look forward to trying this blogging thing out for a fifth year!