It’s As Easy As ABC

No, not this ABC.  That's stupid.

No, not this ABC. That’s stupid.

In a continuing effort to no longer take my themeless Fridays off, I’m throwing any old random crap against the blog to see if what sticks.  This time, I’ll cave to a challenge I’ve already seen Anxious Mom, Holly and Grandma Lin pull off this week that is apparently called “The ABC’s of Me.”  I guess when I was sarcastically throwing blogging challenges under the bus on Sunday, I should have noted how turning to the alphabet is always a surefire way to come up with another tired exercise in BTD’s (blog transmitted diseases)…

Hooked on Bloggy Prompts worked for me!

Hooked on Bloggy Prompts worked for me!

But even a tired exercise looks good at this point in time, so I’ll whip out a condiment and get my alphabetical ordering on!  I’ll now answer all 26 questions that were vaguely contorted to fit the alphabet theme, while making sure to provide more personal and private information than you would get from having both my social security number and my cat’s maiden name…

A: Age – 40.  In fact, I recently officially passed 40 and a half.  Unless this wanted my mental age, in which case I’m (holds fingers out) this many years old.

B: Biggest Fear – Lightning, which is odd for someone so fascinated by weather and storms in particular… but even a sky that looks threatening will send me scrambling like a giant wuss for the nearest non-metal shelter.  This fear is so prominent in me, it often comes out of nowhere to ruin my dreams… and every time I need to frantically avoid these virtual electrical bolts, I feel like I’m running in water and can’t get away fast enough.  Analyze that one for me, Freud…

Do not fear the gigawatts!

Do not fear the gigawatts!

C: Current Time – 2:52 AM, Bolonia Watch Time.  If you don’t get that, I really pity your taste in classic comedy…

*crickets*

*crickets*

D: Drink I Last Had – I have a big Quik Trip cup full of iced water right now.  And yes, it’s tap water.  I have enough minerals and metallic deposits in my body now to qualify for FEMA assistance, and a much heavier bank account because I don’t buy in to that bottled water scam.

E: Easiest Person to Talk to – In person it would be my Dad.  Collectively, the easiest person to talk to is someone online who I’ve gotten to know reasonably well.  I hate face to face interaction…

And apparently so does Robbie.

And apparently so does Robbie.

F: Favorite Song – This would be like asking Count von Count what his favorite number is.  Choosing a favorite among the tens of thousands of songs I like is impossible… so I’ll just choose one I absolutely adore that the music loving public at large seems to think needs to be killed with fire…

Scott Diamond gets it.

Scott Diamond gets it.

G: Grossest Memory – A long, long time ago at Mecca when we had some strange, tiny bug infestation in the bagged pet food aisle.  I was one of the lucky ones who got to help pull all those creepy crawly bags off the counter.  They were the size of lice, but swarmed everything like maggots.  Even with gloves on, it was hideously disgusting.

H: Hometown – Granite City, Illinois, USA.  I’ve spent my entire 40 years in this filthy, polluted, stinking town and could never be convinced to move anywhere else.

Where else in the world would I find crazy squirrels like these?

Where else in the world would I find crazy squirrels like these?

I: In Love With – The internet, apparently, since I’m practically glued to my computer whenever I’m at home.  Not in love enough to need to carry a fucking smartphone with me everywhere, though…

smashing smartphone

Get a life, nomophobes!

J: Jealous Of – People who can just carry on a conversation with someone they’ve never met before like it’s second nature to them.  I personally find climbing Mt. Everest in my Underoos to be less challenging…

K: Killed Someone? – Probably, I just don’t know who, how many, or under what circumstance.  The deeds we do and don’t do every day impact the lives of those around us in ways we’d never even be able to comprehend, and the ever-branching effects of those choices multiplies exponentially as time goes on.  We’re all eventually guilty of murder via the butterfly effect, we just don’t get the “pleasure” of seeing who we unknowingly offed or when…

Well, and I kill cartoon possums just for the fun of it.

Well, and I kill cartoon possums just for the fun of it.

L: Longest Relationship – LOL!  There’s about a 7 billion-way tie for 0 years, 0 days, 0 hours, and 0 minutes…

M: Middle Name – Wayne.  It was once brought up on my Millionaire message board that Wayne is apparently the most common middle name of serial killers.  And once you’re deemed a certified murderous wacko by the media, you are condemned to going the rest of your life by your full name.  Why is that?  Is it public shaming in the same way moms would always call you by your first and middle name when you were in trouble?

Unless you're a zombie... then you can go by whatever in the hell you want to be called.

Unless you’re a zombie… then you can go by whatever in the hell you want to be called.

N: Number of Siblings – Four younger sisters.  Thank you for your sympathies…

My Dad enjoyed their company as well...

My Dad enjoyed their company as well…

O: One Wish – Hasn’t the wish trope been played out enough yet for people to realize that no matter what you hope for, it will all relentlessly backfire and make things even worse?  It just doesn’t work.  Money just turns you into an asshole and a higher taxpayer.  Love just saddles you with years of dirty diapers and endless honey-do lists.  World peace would kill off the Miss America pageant as we know it.  Just get your gaudily dressed ass back in that lamp so I can finish polishing it, OK?

Well, I might go ahead and wish for some Skee Lo...

Well, I might go ahead and wish for some Skee Lo

P: Last Person You Called – I honestly have no idea.  I haven’t called anyone in the past week.  I should, however, call the Blog Challenge Police since this is a really lame attempt to match a question to a letter that isn’t exactly an uncommon one to find words starting with…

Q: Question You Are Always Asked – Why I have a college degree (meteorology), yet have been toiling at Mecca for almost 18 years as an overnight stocker.  Most of the queries come from co-workers… many of who are, or plan on attending college and think a college degree is an automatic ticket to a better job… or who think that “better jobs” really are better jobs.  Good luck with that, folks!

Anyone need a college trained Betamax repair expert on their staff?

Anyone need a college trained Betamax repair expert on their staff?

R: Reason to Smile – Anything and everything.  Life is fucked up and always will be.  Deal with it and freely and unapologetically laugh at it, and your world will be a much happier place…

S: Song You Last Sang – Songs go through my head all the time and I’ll burst into song without even realizing it.  Here’s a killer song that’s been getting played on Mecca Radio a lot lately that I sang along to Tuesday night as I filled the counter with paper plates for people who are too lazy to wash fucking dishes…

T: Time You Woke Up – 12:15 AM.  Yes, it’s the tail end of my weekend, and while I’m off, my sleep schedule is reduced to basically whatever my body feels like doing.  After 18 years of working overnights, my circadian rhythm has long since said “fuck this diurnal shit!”

It's 2 AM somewhere.

It’s 2 AM somewhere.

U: Underwear Color

squirrel cheeks!

Let me pull it out of the crack of my ass and see…

V: Vacation Destination – Nowhere.  My Midwest ballpark tour ended a couple years ago.  My annual trip to Kansas City isn’t even on my radar this year.  I really hate fucking traveling.  It’s not that seeing new places doesn’t interest me…. it’s just that once I get there, I always immediately wish I was back home, because that’s where the routines are.  Breaking routines is one of the big reasons people go on trips in the first place, and that’s not my cup of Pepsi…

Besides, once you've been cornholing in Cleveland, you've pretty much experienced all this world has to offer.

Besides, once you’ve been cornholing in Cleveland, you’ve pretty much experienced all this world has to offer.

W: Worst Habit – I have enough bad habits to start up a nunnery.  Probably the ones that freaks people out the most is my nail chewing habit.  I haven’t had to clip my fingernails since I was a kid.  It’s probably a good thing my teeth can’t reach my tootsies…

X: X-Rays You’ve Had – I get X-rays twice a year to check out the kidney stone making factories in my sides.  Outside of that, I did once have my spine X-rayed after a comical run through workman’s comp in 1999.  Then there is the strangest thing I ever had X-rayed… a bag of Halloween candy.  Remember the Tylenol tampering scare in the 80’s?  It led to widespread fear that our neighbors were all ruthless domestic terrorists who were secretly sliding razor blades into those little fun sized Snickers bars.  One Halloween sometime in the mid 80’s, the phobia reached a fever pitch high enough that the local hospital was actually offering to X-ray bags of Halloween candy for concerned parents.  I wish I still had one of those stupid films, because nothing looks more ignorant than an X-ray of a bunch of damn candy.  And ironically, the X-rays probably just poisoned it all with dangerous radiation anyway…

These damned things were the real threat to children on Halloween in the 80's.

These damned things were the real threat to children on Halloween in the 80’s.

Y: Your Favorite Food – Anyone who’s spent any time around this blog should know exactly what that is

Here's a subtle hint...

Here’s a subtle hint…

Z: Zodiac Sign – Cancer, which as I discovered during my consultation with the Stoner Astrologers, is one of the most pathetic signs of the whole damned zodiac.  And that’s not even taking into account the fact that the word “cancer” itself is just one of the warmest, fuzziest terms in the entire English language…

Just like our mascot!

Just like our mascot!

I hope you enjoyed being simultaneously entertained and bored to death on another Friday here at The Nest!  I’ll try to post something next week as well… assuming nobody finds all the bodies hiding underneath my crawl space first…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to It’s As Easy As ABC

  1. Cole Adler says:

    Have you seen photos of lightning scars? They are one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I want one without the ten billion volts of electricity.

  2. I was surprised as I read about your degree and your biggest fear… I remember the spectacular photos you got with a simple cam many moons ago…. that’s really a miracle :o)

    • I was safely tucked away in a sports stadium when I took that photo, so it didn’t bother me. I did have a near encounter with lightning while sitting in the upper deck of that same stadium a few years later… I think I was too amazed at the spectacle of lightning circling around the top ring of the stadium to get scared… and said ring was my “protection” from a possible strike!

  3. Ally Bean says:

    “Just get your gaudily dressed ass back in that lamp so I can finish polishing it, OK?” Yep. Word.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    Cleveland, the cornhole capitol of the world. Also, we have a lake that used to catch on fire…

  5. grandmalin says:

    Yay, a fellow non traveller! We should not go somewhere together sometime! 😄

  6. I was toying with this ABC thing, but now that you’ve done it, being so much more popular than I ever will be, the idea is officially dead…or tucked away for a stormy day! Love the butt floss…

  7. Quirky Girl says:

    “I have enough minerals and metallic deposits in my body now to qualify for FEMA assistance.”

    Surely, this is no reason for concern. In fact… you may have ingested enough gold over the years to make a killing! In terms of money from mining, that is. Not from metal poisoning. 😀

  8. Wow. This was awesome. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. I know you could even wax and Wayne even more if you needed to.

    Everyone in my house, and just about everyone I know is a Cancer. I mean the zodiac sign, not the other kind. Go figure I follow your blog too (and I like squirrels, possums, and funny stuff.)

    I’m looking forward to FuYuBloMe next month. I can’t wait to get started.

    • I am so glad I didn’t name this blog Wayne’s World now. Here’s to FuYuBloMe and having to spend for a lot of summer birthdays! (My house was 3/7 Cancer, 2/7 Scorp and damn near 2/7 Leo…)

  9. Trisha says:

    I used to have the chased by lightning while feeling as though I’m running in water dreams too! Only I’m probably not as afraid of lightning as I should be. I find it exhilarating. Tornadoes are the weather phenomenon that I fear. I would probably need a perpetual IV drip of Xanax if I lived in a tornado prone area.

    How interesting that you have a degree in meteorology! If my brain still worked properly, I would probably become a weather geek. Weather is fascinating.

    I’m pretty sure whoever made up the zodiac signs was a Leo. They chose the most powerful animal for themselves and made some of us be lame things like crabs, lobsters, scales and stupid twin humans. We should all get to have a furry critter as a symbol of who we are!

    • I was one of those people back in the day who watched The Weather Channel on purpose. And I’m not talking about the crappy iteration it is today, but back when all they did was tell you the weather!

      I’m fortunate to have never been in a tornado, though I’ve was within a mile of the Good Friday 2011 one that tore up a few neighborhoods in town. I was at the ballpark the night the storm from hell raged through the area back in 2006. If I can swipe some of my Mom’s pics of that night, I’ll have to make it a Wednesday post sometime. You can’t beat driving rain and 100 mph winds at the old ballpark!

  10. JackieP says:

    Your cat has a maiden name?
    I thought about doing this ABC thing too. Now I’m not so sure. 😉 Ah, who am I kidding. I’ll do it but on the weekend when no one reads my blog. 🙂

  11. Wow. Those are a lot of questions answered. I just learned from Stephen Colbert that the majority of small mouthed bass seem to have a gender issue. The boys are developing eggs where their balls (fish balls?) ought to be. Just thought I’d drop that here in case you find some use for it.

    I realize that the only calls I’ve made on the phone were to make or change doctor’s appointment. Not one single personal phone call … unless you count the emergency call to my son when the heat downstairs stopped working and I was afraid poor Bob would become Bobsicle.

    I bet we’d have fun hanging out and drinking water from our well. It is very cold and surprisingly tasty. Cancer is NOT a wimpy sign. Cancer’s are just very sensitive while also being shockingly manipulative and pushy.

    And a college degree does not necessarily get you much of anything, except a huge student loan debt — especially if your degree is in Medieval French Literature. Or meteorology.

    • Those crazy fish. They don’t even have sex right, so no wonder they have trouble keeping their equipment straight…

      I love me some water that will put hair on my chest and is too strong for Black and Decker…

  12. draliman says:

    I haven’t had to cut my fingernails since I was a kid either 🙂
    What with the “killed someone” and “middle name” questions, I can’t help wondering if this challenge is a cunning police plot…

  13. Deborah says:

    Wow! I’ve always thought you were awesome, but you can throw this stuff under the bus one day and then kick its ass when you decide to sort of cave. My hero! Again! 😉 You may have inspired me, so what does that say about me? 😉

  14. Oh wow, we have even more in common than an appreciation for glitter, ponies, and squirrels! I’m about your age (I supposedly will turn 40 later this year but if I just don’t think of it, I’m pretty sure it won’t happen) and we have the same Zodiac sign – Cancer. That just seems like a bad sign if it’s the name of a disease.

    Also I have a few college degrees that prepared me for – more school. I work at a job that requires a Bachelor’s right now but I have worked many, many jobs that didn’t even necessarily need a high school diploma. Also I write a blog popular with people who like to murder pixels on the computer. People forget that with higher positions you get more responsibility, which is simply not worth any extra pay to me. And yeah I’ve had people ask why I have degrees yet want a simple job – it’s called FOOD people. I like eating it.

    Maybe I could do a blog post like this. I’m sure people would love to hear me talk about myself again!

  15. many little nuggets of truth in there! 😀

  16. Maybe you could keep the ABC theme and ask folks to give you alphabet suggestions?

    • I was only able to get 18 suggestions for my prompt series last year (obviously only allowing one per customer). I know Holly did it before too… and while I don’t mind piggybacking on one post, I wouldn’t want to use a borrowed idea for a whole series.

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