Everybody Must Get Stoned

Like.... um, happy 4/20 everyone!

Like…. um, happy 4/20 everyone!

picture dayTaking those extra days off every month makes it really hard when I actually have to work a full 5 day night week, but thankfully Wednesday has finally come and I’ll be celebrating my weekend 4/20 style!  Well…. no, I was one of those kids who was frightened by that frying egg as a kid, so no wacky weed for me.  But for you, it’s another visually stimulating edition of Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s Picture Day!  And though this week’s entry will not have you seeing flying unicorns or cause you to consume an entire bag of potato chips… it is nonetheless a tribute to the only way I ever manage to get stoned…



While I’ve managed to live a very unhealthy lifestyle for 40 years without suffering from high cholesterol or diabetes yet, one condition that has repeatedly bitten me in my furry ass over the last decade and a half has been the tiny renal menace… kidney stones.  I’ve written about how they’ve been my curse before, and I just found out last Wednesday morning that my left kidney now has another bun in the oven… which will be my 7th confirmed stone since my first in 2002.  Three have required surgery to “blast” into tiny pieces (Including my largest rock, a 1 inch diameter masterpiece that required two procedures), and three of them have passed on their own.

Ever wondered what a kidney stone looks like?  I still have the prize from my Spring 2012 encounter which took about 6 weeks to move from my kidney to the urinal at Mecca…

Can you just picture the fun little trip this thing had...?

My body made that!?!?

While the classic, unbearable kidney stone pain comes from urine blockage and not the physical contact of the stone itself… that jagged piece of rock is definitely not going to feel comfortable going through the human body’s delicate plumbing.  The pressure it caused the week or so it was housed in my bladder drove me crazy, while the excruciating, three day journey through my…. well, you know where it had to come out… hurt just as much as you could imagine it would.

My stone is bigger than yours...

My stone is bigger than yours…

My ruler matches up perfectly with how big my urologist told me it was when it first attacked me… 5 millimeters.  No, I’m not pandering to my international audience… kidney stones are measured in millimeters since most of them are much, much smaller than the shortest unit of length on the US scale, the inch.  This is the largest stone I’ve ever passed on my own before, and since my current one is only 3mm (And shaped like it may possibly break off into an extra piece or two), I am hopeful I can flush it out before it requires a fifth visit to the always expensive operating table…

OWWW!!!! FUCK!!!  Watch where you're sticking those tweezers, you quack!

OWWW!!!! FUCK!!! Watch where you’re sticking those tweezers, you quack!

I’ll be back next week with some more of the good stuff that hopefully doesn’t involve bodily functions you didn’t really want to know about…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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37 Responses to Everybody Must Get Stoned

  1. EEEK……..I’ve never had a kidney stone but know many people who have and one who has a kidney disease which means she has to have REGULAR lithotropsy to keep the stones small enough to pass. Again I say EEEEEEK. I hope your newest “baby” passes without a squeal – that would be preferred on your part I’m sure. Good luck……….!


  2. I won’t hit that like button as I usually do for your posts because…well, kidney stones. Sending you healing vibes though and wishes that you are indeed able to pass that rock without ill effect. *shudders*

  3. we had a weird adventure with kidney stones…. my mother found a glass thingy with nuggets inside while cleaning out the house after my grandparents passed. she thought it’s dental gold and brought it to a dealer…. oh man how embarrassing … the only good thing was that after that episode she agreed with the laser surgery for her eyes…

  4. draliman says:

    Yoinks, I’m trying not to imagine passing one of those…

    We’re turning the US metric one excruciating kidney stone at a time. It’s a conspiracy!

    • Whoever designed our system of weights and measures did not take into account the medical community’s need for smaller increments than an inch… though I obviously hit that mark once!

  5. JackieP says:

    I’ve had gall bladder stones and that was painful enough. Hoping you have a more pleasant passing.

    • I’ve heard they’re just as nasty… and I’m shocked mine hasn’t barked at me yet given my diet.

      • JackieP says:

        Oh, it is nasty. Kept me up all night when the attack would come. I fought it for five years before I ended up in the ER because I couldn’t pass the last one. Man it’s pain like that you remember. 😦

  6. Trisha says:

    Ouch! My kidneys are cringing at the thought of squeezing one of those jagged things out. And the thought of passing something like that through the rest of the plumbing…it sounds unimaginably painful. I’m so sorry you have to go through that! Again. Ugh!

    Have you ever considered trying herbs? I remember seeing a product called Stone Breaker, or something like that. At the very least, some marshmallow root tea would help soothe the tissues that get scraped up by the stone.

    • I’ve seen products that claim to break up stones naturally, but I’m not too keen on alternative medicine. I’m not sure how I’d do with those teas either… I’m not much of a fan of even regular iced tea, and warm or hot beverages are a definite nope for me. My soda caffeine habit definitely contributes to my problem, but I think it’s the chocolate kick I’ve been on the past 6 years or so that’s accelerated their formation…

      • Trisha says:

        That’s pretty much what I thought you would say! The males in my house would rather endure all sorts of torment than let something they’ve never heard of touch their tongue. 🙂 But, with all the pain you’re about to go through and with all my herbal studies, I would feel guilty if I didn’t mention that herbs can probably help.

        I did not know that chocolate contributes to kidney stone formation! I know the sugar in it contributes to my bouts of inflammation and misery and yet I still can’t give the stuff up. Isn’t it crazy what we’ll do to ourselves? But apparently chocolate is worth it!

  7. Quirky Girl says:

    Ouch! That looks every bit as painful as it sounds. :/

    Hope it passes as quickly and painlessly as possible so you can feel better soon!

    • Luckily I’m not in pain… one of the myths of kidney stones is that they are always painful, but I think my plumbing has adjusted to them. The last attack I had was four years and three stones ago…

  8. ody & biskit…..be jezuz…..sorree two yur dad…..if he iz at all interested in “natural remedies” kinda foo fa……and he may oh hurd oh sum oh these bee fore, tel him ta chex out thiz site

    de food servizz gurlz big inta thiz kinda stuff…..knot large, but big… inta it…. & knock wood…..lotta this stuff reel lee werks !!! 🙂

  9. I regret deeply having lost my three lovely yellow gallstones which were removed in 1981 at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem. After they removed my gall bladder, — which, like ones spleen, has been declared a spare body part — they gave me a little cup with three lovely, hard, lurid yellow (with just a delicate hint of green) pebbles. I thought of making earrings, but somehow, I never got to it and in the course of international moves and all that, I lost (ahem) my stones.

    Glad to see that American surgeons have the same morbid sense of humor as Israeli surgeons, though to be fair, most of the Israeli surgeons I met were from England or the U.S. and that might account for it, don’t you think?

    Would we like to conjecture where else our body might be creating stones? Ear stones? Brain stones? Toe stones?

    I hope this is the last of your passing stones. You could almost make an entire necklace by now. Priceless. I mean, not even MasterCard will replace them. Maybe there’s a market for them somewhere … ?

    • If I had a cup of my very own gallstones, I would make sure that never left my possession! And I would show it to everyone, just like I did my kidney stones. That one in the picture is one I passed on my own, though… I’ve never had a stone surgically removed, all they do these days is sonic wave them into tiny crumbles to let you pass them on your own…

  10. Green Embers says:

    Yeah, totally gonna agree with the other posters, OUCH! Hope it breaks up fast so you don’t have to go to another surgery!

    • I’ll always take the weeklong groin pain to a surgery. I am optimistic that because this one is near the bottom of my kidney that I can kick it before it becomes too big…

  11. chattykerry says:

    Ow, ow, ow – poor little Evil. They run in our family on the male side and I know they are very painful. I didn’t realize they were so jagged. I would love to keep things that have been removed from me but a womb is on the big side…:)

  12. Merbear74 says:

    It looks like a piece of granola…..
    I will not be celebrating 4/20 because I don’t smoke the wacky weed anymore.

  13. gentlestitches says:

    😦 I wish your kidney stone will be flushed or reabsorbed painlessly. I think your idea of water, water,water is a most excellent one. Ouch to anything “down stairs!” ❤

  14. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope works itself out. 😦 Please do keep us posted.

  15. Gee…. yikes! Wishing you all the best. May the stone take the path of least resistance to come out! Say, is there a market for these things? Could you sell them for a profit on craigslist? Just wondering.

    • Pearls are nothing more than an oyster’s kidney stones, so I don’t know why there isn’t a market for the human equivalent. They’d look very fashionable in a necklace or as earrings…

  16. Thom says:

    All Things Must Pass, as George Harrison once observed..here’s hoping this one passes quickly and without any painful fanfare.

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