Squirrel In A Bottle

Dude, this fuzzy navel is, like.... fuzzy!

Dude, this fuzzy navel is, like…. fuzzy!

My secret squirrel agent north of the border (Codename: Saucy) has once again come through with another fascinating tale of Canadian sciurines making the news for something other than squirrelsinnewsmaking the honor roll.  This tale of terror for one unlucky rodent began last Friday morning in the sleepy little town of Springhill, Nova Scotia, where veterinarian Bonnie Harrison noticed something amiss in a neighbor’s yard… a squirrel trapped inside of a plastic bottle.  Unlike most people, who would have whipped out their cell phone to try and capture a viral video that would make Facebook implode with hits while the poor critter suffocated in front of a worldwide audience, Dr. Harrison instead acted quickly to attempt to free the squirrel from its recyclable container prison…

Don't laugh... it's (snicker) really (giggle).... mean... (LOLOLOL!!!!)

Don’t laugh… it’s (snicker) really (giggle)…. mean… (LOLOLOL!!!!)

Dr. Harrison rushed the plastic encased squirrel to the veterinary hospital where she works and put the squirrel to sleep…. no wait, bad choice of words…. gave the squirrel anesthetic to relax it so she could cut the bottle out from around it without whacking off its nuts in the process.  Upon his post-op recovery, he got a complimentary flea dip and was able to chill out and relax in his very own kennel harrassing the poor, sick dogs and cats by flinging things from his bedpan at them.  And apparently Canada’s universal health care system even covers squirrels, since the furry patient was not billed before being released back to the scene of the crime…

Hey, at least they didn't charge for the flea dip.

Hey, at least they didn’t charge for the flea dip.

The best part of the entire article was this quote by Dr. Harrison…

“It was rewarding. The little kids were very excited at the daycare to see the little squirrel to (sic) come back and it was nice to be able to help the little squirrel who was stuck in the bottle and get him free and let him get back to his day-to-day routine.”

If you thought you were the only one in your me-centered universe with an important daily routine, remember that there are many squirrels in your neighborhood who also have things to do and places to be.  They certainly don’t have time to listen to you yell at them for digging up your flowers, or to get chased away by your whiny anklebiter that got off its leash again, or even to get stuck in your stupid garbage you leave laying around that’s nothing but a small animal deathtrap…

Don't mess with squirrels.  Throw your shit away!

Don’t mess with squirrels. Throw your shit away!

Wait… how DID that squirrel get inside that bottle anyway?  It’s not like he was put in there piece by piece like how your grandfather painstakingly assembled the Exxon Valdez inside an empty bottle of Jack Daniels to put up on the fireplace next to his first wife’s ashes.  Turns out the offending neighbor was using the bottle as a birdfeeder and put a slit in the side of it.  Since squirrels are instinctively attracted to birdfeeders, he obviously crawled inside from the slit and then tried to get back out through the mouth of the bottle rather than just reverse course.  Oops.  Hey, squirrels may be clever, but even they make fail-worthy mistakes sometimes…

This can't possibly end well...

This can’t possibly end well…

So there’s two things you should take from this post.  First, that Canadians have proven themselves to be extremely kind to squirrels again and again… and they should win some kind of countrywide Nobel Peace Prize for that.  And second, please take your friendly neighborhood critters and their innocent carelessness into consideration when leaving junk lying around your yard.  This squirrel did not seek legal recourse against the birdfeeder in a bottle lady, but maybe you won’t be so lucky should a squirrel experience pain and suffering while playing in your yard and you will have to explain your actions to the highest authority…

Judgment for the squirrel in the amount of 500,000 acorns... and one complimentary flea dip.

Judgment for the squirrel in the amount of 500,000 acorns… and one complimentary flea dip.


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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23 Responses to Squirrel In A Bottle

  1. I always wonder that there are really people who do a video about an animal in danger… but it is probably the case, when I look around at youtube :o( I’m glad the squirrel made it and I wish there would be not only a fine but a giant a$$kick too for people who lose their garbage everywhere :o(((

    • I saw something not too long ago about beachgoers who lined up to take selfies with a beached dolphin (or some such aquatic creature) while it laid there and died… though I’m just cynical enough of viral tropes to be unsure if that was a true event or not. It’s the kind of mass-dumbassery behavior social media has caused that wouldn’t surprise me, though…

  2. Ally Bean says:

    That’s an amazing story. It makes me wonder if squirrels have 9 lives like cats do, but don’t have the PR machine to spread the word to the world like cats do. Lucky little squirrel, that guy.

    • The squirrel PR machine is terrible… I think it’s handled by possums. Also, the Cat Video Association is powerful enough to quash any attempt at squirrels to get fame.

  3. Aww.. poor little guy! It was sweet that they rescued the squirrel! 🙂

  4. JackieP says:

    Canadians are nice people. But even they have problems with their trash laying around. Poor squirrel. Hope who ever put out a bird feeder like that will think twice about it again. And I hope the squirrel will think twice about stealing the bird food. But I doubt it. 😉

  5. Plastic bottles and those plastic ring thingies that hold 6-packs of sort drinks from fall apart are a real danger to wildlife … and not only squirrels. I cut them all into pieces before tossing them, but a lot of people don’t seem to care or don’t know. But you definitely do NOT use a plastic bottle for a bird feeder. Sheesh!

    • You can get a cheap birdfeeder at Mecca for a few bucks…. this lady was either really cheap or one of those Hints From Heloise type people who thinks they have to come up with some crafty, homemade solution for everything.

  6. draliman says:

    Poor little guy. I’m glad he’s okay! It proves that the major bulk of squirrels is their fur, to be able to fit in that little bottle!

  7. Awwww poor baby. Hope he is happy and healthy now. Squirrels have long lives and we can only hope this little guy lives long and prospers.

  8. ody & biskit……whoa….we wundered two…dood….how DID ya get in de bottle……
    glad heez all rite……..woodna wanna pay hiz vet bill tho 🙂 ♥♥♥

  9. Lucky squirrel to have been spotted in trouble and saved…..I hate seeing pictures of sea turtles, or dolphins, or seabirds tangled in plastic debris tossed from boats by uncaring humans…..but a plastic bottle bird feeder was a deathtrap waiting to happen too. It’s tough enough for animals/critters to survive “out there” without us giving them a helping hand to doom.


  10. Hooray for the kindness of many people. The people who just do it and get on with it. ❤ ❤ ❤

  11. Merbear74 says:

    “It’s not like he was put in there piece by piece like how your grandfather painstakingly assembled the Exxon Valdez inside an empty bottle of Jack Daniels to put up on the fireplace next to his first wife’s ashes.”

    Where do you come up with this stuff? LMAO

    • I could chalk it up to the random shit that ejaculates from my head… but it usually starts with an idea (an old man building a ship in a bottle) and I just keep adding things on to make it crazier and crazier until it’s so absurd that nobody without my warped sense of humor would even get it…

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