The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

Come children, it's time for your bedtime story!

Come children, it’s time for your bedtime story!

In the past, I have dedicated my Squirrels In The News feature to non-sciurine critters squirrelsinnewslike skunks and possums… so I figured why not use it to showcase the biggest story of the year that the American media isn’t covering since it’s not emanating from a Presidential candidate’s loud sewer mouth.  I am of course referring to the big news north of the border that the Toronto area is being terrorized by a fugitive pair of The Nest’s new favorite rodents…. capybaras!  How did these adorable, super sized rodents from South America make it onto the mean streets of Ontario, you may be asking yourself?

Shitty border walls, of course.

I’ll make those capybaras build a wall!

No, these dog-sized rodents didn’t manage to sneak through a whole shitload of national borders looking for a better life and free health care.  They were inmates inhabitants of Toronto’s High Park Zoo, and on May 25th the zoo’s staff botched a pen exchange that fortunately for the safety of all of us didn’t involve lions, tigers or gypsy moths.  You see, a male capy by the name of Chewy (What else would you call a capybara other than Chewy?) was supposed to trade cells at the zoo with a young, hot couple of capybaras that zookeepers were hoping would make a lot of little capybaras to sell as exotic pets.  Below is an actual photo of Chewy from the CBC News link my Canadian pal Saucy forwarded to me…

Get off of my lawn, you young, horny punks!

Get off of my lawn, you young, horny punks!

The cute couple, on the other hand, desired their freedom more than the chance to make out on Chewy’s old sofa… so they turned tail the first chance they got and were gone before their keepers could get out their semi-automatic tranquilizer dartguns and fill the two full of venomous pinpricks.  Toronto would now have to cope with the frightening reality of having two thoroughly harmless capybaras running loose in High Park!

This looks like a job for.... you know who.

This looks like a job for…. you know who.

Naturally, while the city was rounding up a posse to bring in the capybara couple… the public was having a field day with it.  The media quickly dubbed the duo Bonnie and Clyde, Canadians flocked to the park to try and get selfies from the latest four footed celebrities, and of course someone with too much time on their hands began impersonating the capybaras on Twitter.

#GenerationTwit

#GenerationTwit

Sightings of Bonnie and Clyde were pouring in from all over the area by people in desperate need of some attention.  Many of these reports were about as credible as the latest Bigfoot or Elvis encounter, though there appears to be some visual evidence that the two lovers didn’t just stow away on a flight to Hawaii for a honeymoon.  Here’s one of the two out for a skinny dip in one of High Park’s lakes…

Then again... that could be the Lock Ness Monster.

Then again… that could be the Lock Ness Monster. (Mike Heenan/CBC)

Tired of all of the public humiliation that hadn’t been seen since the Rob Ford administration, last week the city of Toronto finally assembled an elite staff of zoo employees, concerned citizens and movie extras to join forces and round up these rogue rodents before they moved on to creating Facebook and LinkedIn accounts to taunt city leaders with.  Team Capybara, as they cleverly called themselves, set out to litter High Park with more deadly booby traps than you’d find in a Vietnamese jungle.  Within a few days, Team Capybara had managed to capture every raccoon, possum, moose and wandering four year old that dared set foot in the dangerous park… but still had zero capybaras to show for its effort.

But hey, they take a really awesome group photo!

But hey, they take a really awesome group photo!

If you put a million traps in a million parks in a million cities… the odds are good that at least one of those traps will eventually net a capybara.  And those are just the odds that finally allowed Team Capybara to stumble onto its first success.  Sunday evening, one of Canada’s most wanted fugitives finally wandered into one of the many cages our scrappy heroes had set up.  It truly was a defining moment that will go down in the annals of capybara history, and you could tell our team of critter wrangling experts knew it…

“The team had set up a trap and put some corn in it,” (Emma) Renda said. “We heard a fence closing. All of a sudden they realized they caught it. Some of the team was high-fiving. It was really exciting.”

Woohoo!  Now, who's buying the Molsons?

Woohoo! Now, who’s buying the Molsons?

It was unknown at the time whether the detainee was Bonnie or Clyde, and apparently nobody on Team Capybara was willing to risk another escape to flip it over and inspect for nads.  But now that one of the two furry gangsters has been captured, Team Capybara is hoping that its accomplice will quickly turn themselves in.  With the nearest wild capybaras about 5,000 miles south of Toronto, the chance of finding a lover to take care of blue balls/’gina is slim and none… unless there’s anything else out there that might consider enjoying a little carnal capybara company…

You wanna come see Doug's new pet, eh?

You wanna come see Doug’s new pet, eh?

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

  1. will you include a capybara to your crew? I’ve read about this guys after I saw JoeJoe the capy-pet… they say that capybaras are the doppelganger of humans and if the capybara will die his human twin has to die too….interesting…

    • I’d thought about adding a randomly exploding capybara when I did the first capybara post last month, but my critters are barely recognizable as it is and my lone attempt to draw a capybara did not end well!

  2. This is the stuff of which best-selling children’s books (with illustrations) are made. I’ve been trying to figure out how to sell the Gypsy Moth as a sympathetic character, but I have utterly failed. I would definitely prefer a capybara invasion, absolutely. Not only do they have a measurable cute factor, but you can see them coming and they won’t strip the forest of leaves and any other edible greenness. Thanks for the link. I’m still awaiting rescue, here in the the naked woods of south central Massachusetts. It may never come … and the world rolls on towards it’s own Armagedden.

    • It struck me as ironic that there seemed to be more concern in Toronto that two, relatively harmless capybaras were on the loose, while your area is writhing in millions of destructive gypsy moths and the powers that be don’t seem to care all that much. I guess everyone has their priorities…

  3. Quirky Girl says:

    I bet capybaras make excellent pets. I mean, who wouldn’t want a large, heavy rodent roaming around the house? 😛

  4. draliman says:

    Oh no, maybe separation anxiety will draw the other one in. No one likes to be alone in this big mad world 😦

    • We’ll see… I have my trusted news source from the North keeping me informed on this, and I’ll definitely provide an update should the other capybara on the lam be caught.

  5. ody & biskit…..frank lee; we think it wood be awesum ta see one R big cat cuzinz out on de lawn; a lion, tiger, panther…..mor sew than a rat de size oh a st bernard….tho chewy iz kewl lookin 🙂 ♥

    • I’d love to watch a bunch of big cats prowl around my yard, from safely inside of the house, of course (It would give me an excuse not to have to cute the grass). I’d be tempted to open the door for a capybara on the run, though…

    • BTW, I just wanted to let you know that I do read your blog and love it, but for some reason Blogspot doesn’t want to let me comment over there. I’ve tried with my WordPress name, Google name, without linking to either… no dice. Got any suggestions?

      • guys….blogger recently went thru some… this that Lord knows what the hell…and I could be mistaken…. but I THINK you have to have an actual “blogger” account….

        whatever they did…. it pizzed off half the universe; one blog we follow; the dude lost half of his followers because of the changes they did…totally sucks…. but when they host web pages for free we cant bitch over much…..well, we can, but it doesn’t do any good
        🙂

        thanx for reading R nonsense tho !! ♥

  6. That was a thrilling report! I am glad you have sources so we can get an update. I was laughing all through it and was astonished at the same time. Fair Dinkum with all that is going on at the moment I for one will be cheering for the safe recovery of Bonnie into the furry rodent arms of Clyde. A very entertaining read . 😃

  7. A story close to my own heart…and my house. 😉 Shh…

  8. I imagine right now Bonnie (or is it Clyde still on the loose?) is missing the other and pining away for company. A lone capybara has to be a SAD capybara. This is one time I’m kinda hoping the other one does get caught an the two can be reunited. I love happy endings.

    Pam

    • We’re not sure which one was caught and which one is still hiding out. They’re either being tight lipped about it, or are just too lazy to check. But I guess we’ll find out by the reaction Chewy has when the captured capybara is returned to the pen…

  9. Just the sort of news that I would expect from Canada.

  10. Now that’s what I call a news story. Has there been a happy ending yet?

  11. Trisha says:

    What a fun story! I love to think of the pair of them out there, having a grand adventure before getting captured again. If I had seen them out there, I would have aided and abetted, rather than turning them in!

    • Me too, though I have no idea where I’d hide them. They wouldn’t fit under my bed, and the car and assorted junk takes up all of my garage. Maybe I could disguise them as dogs…

      • Trisha says:

        Yeah, I guess they are a little too large to blend in with my rodent population. Dog disguises are probably the way to go!

  12. a1mamacat says:

    Once again, a masterpiece of literature. I am so happy you enjoyed the antics of our escapees and were able to create this beautiful tribute. Love Saucy.

  13. The Cutter says:

    I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a capybara. See, blogs can be educational!

    • You must have missed my grand tribute to the capybara last month. I hadn’t heard about them until a few years ago myself… they don’t quite have the publicity lions, tigers and zebras have…

      • The Cutter says:

        I’ll have to check the archives. Your output is too prolific for my blog reading habits

      • I once unfollowed someone because when they got really wound up, they’d post about 10-20 times a day and jam my Reader up. I do hope my 5-6 posts a week never tempts anyone to abandon me…

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