Patent Pending

What did people have appear above their heads when they had an idea before Edison invented the light bulb?

What did people have appear above their heads when they had an idea before Edison invented the light bulb?

Like sand through the hourglass, so go the days of our weeks.  Friday has already come prompt logo 2calling, whether we were ready for it or not… and that means I have to open up the junk drawer of brilliant ideas my readers have sent to me and come up with another impractically irrelevant post in my Prompt the Squirrel series!  There are only six more left (unless you haven’t played yet and want to change that), which means the excrement is about to make contact with the motorized air circulator since I’m down to mainly the ideas that have either intimidated or stumped me so far.  Well, I didn’t run away from this challenge whining like a little bitch last year, and I certainly won’t back down crying this time around either!

What have they got that I ain't got?

Only people without a heart or a brain would look down on a blubbering crybaby.

This week’s prompters are Sammy the cat and his mother Pam, who team up to write the One Spoiled Cat blog.  Hopefully, today’s post will help Sammy get over the irritation of the vacuum cleaning monstas that take over his pad on Fridays.  And with a little extra harassment motivation from the peppy Suzie Q, I am totally ready to take on this prompt he sent me….

How about truly stupid and/or wacky inventions ? Heaven knows there have been quite a few that were total bombs (not literally of course). With that “interesting” brain of yours, surely there’s some material there worth sharing????? Hmmmmm????

Let's start with the stupidest invention of the 21st Century...

Let’s start with the stupidest invention of the 21st Century…

“Everything that can be invented has been invented” -Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of the U.S. Patent Office, 1899

That’s an almost certainly bullshit quote that gets bandied about quite a bit to encourage the next generation of thinkers to keep trying to come up with the next great invention.  And since the greatest technological visionaries didn’t even see a future with cell phones as recently as 1993, nobody can tell you that the crazy concoction you’ve managed to design that seems about as purposeless as my blog won’t be the next Clapper, Craftmatic Adjustable Chair or Big Mouth Billy Bass.  Even if your invention gets confined to the checkout aisles of your local Mecca, you might still make some scratch with a proper promotional campaign.

Oh, if only we still had Billy Mays to hook the masses on the next complete piece of shit invention.

Oh, if only we still had Billy Mays around to hook the masses on the next complete piece of shit invention.

There is no shortage of humorous lists out there in the vast wasteland of cyberspace that catalogue seemingly ridiculous inventions.  And since they’ve already done the job of mocking these wastes of patent numbers that I was tasked to do… I needed to think outside the box a bit to make this prompt post meet both the non-plagiaristic (LOL!) standards I strive for, while also providing literally minutes of cheap laughs for those of you who count on me to cure what ails you.

Take two Buster squishing comics and text me in the morning.

Take two Buster squishing comics and text me in the morning.

So what I decided to do was flip my search for “stupid inventions” over to Google Images, where there is no shortage of great pictures of human insanity.  I’m going to pick some of the best pictures that came up during that search, and without any regard for whether the items shown were real, marketable, patented products or not… I’m going to mock the hell out of them anyway… and in some cases, just try to figure out what in the hell they’re supposed to be.  Let’s start with….

You'll never burn your lips again!  But you might end up chopping them off...

You’ll never burn your lips again! But you might end up chopping them off…

Here we have what is obviously a small, battery powered fan designed to be attached to your chopsticks (or spork, if that’s all you have) so that your Ramen noodles you paid a dime for don’t send you to the ER for a scalded uvula.  Now your mother won’t have to infest your steaming bowl of soup with icky germs by blowing in it for you anymore… and those of us with the irrational fear of falling headfirst into a plate of hot food (Yes, I really have this phobia) will be able to eat our KFC just a bit easier…

From the land of sweatshop labor...

From the land of sweatshop labor…

One of the hallmarks of a successful inventor is to find ways to stop wasting potential energy and put it to practical kinetic use.  So why not attach a giant Swiffer to the bottom of your little rugrat and let its crawling around looking for small objects to put in its mouth help clean your floors so you have more time to binge watch Real Housewives of Tittybong.

From the makers of "Unbelievable!  This Is Not Butter!®"

From the makers of “Unbelievable! This Is Not Butter!®

Hey, don’t laugh!  This butter gluestick invention will put an end to the alarming number of serious butter knife accidents that have sent more people to the emergency room than even priapism.  It also doubles as a tasty lip balm…

Comes complete with a caddy to wipe your ass.

Comes complete with a caddy to wipe your ass.

Like the flux capacitor, many great inventions have come to man while he was on the toilet.  Why not work on sinking your putts while you’re dropping a deuce?  Just be sure to wash your hands and balls once you’re done with the Ty-D-Bol putting green…

You'll save a fortune on outlet covers!

You’ll save a fortune on outlet covers!

Here’s a must-have for every safety obsessed helicopter parent… the barbed wire crib!  Above you see the optional electric fence model.  Guaranteed to keep Junior out of trouble while they serve their grueling life sentence as “my child“…

She'll freak when it puts its hand on her ass...

She’ll freak when it puts its hand on her ass…

If this invention isn’t called the Cuddle Buddy, something’s wrong.  This half pillow-half scarecrow softie is for the lonely souls who want companionship, but are uncomfortable buying a blow up doll from a sex shop.  All natural armpit odor not included…

Recommended by that one asshole dentist who didn't like Trident.

Recommended by that one asshole dentist who didn’t like Trident.

Just chowed down on a 10,000 calorie Baconator sandwich and need to get those porcine portions out from between the few teeth you have left?  Have no fear, Bacon Floss is here!  Just one more stupid thing to add to an already bacon obsessed world.  If you thought Bubble Tape’s six feet of bubble gum was cool when you were a kid, just wait until you blow off your oral hygiene routine and start chowing down on 27.3 yards of pure, string bacon!

Yarn is almost as all-purpose as duct tape.

Yarn is almost as all-purpose as duct tape.

OK all of you crocheters who follow my blog… how did you miss out on the opportunity to come up with the beard hat?  Stay warm, toasty and stylish… at least while facial hair is still popular.  Which speaking of, there’s still plenty of time for you all to work on that crocheted manbun before its 15 minutes is up!

Don't judge... I'm down to three cartons a day.

Don’t judge… I’m down to three cartons a day.

With the old world habit of smoking becoming less and less tolerated in these health conscious days, what is a heavy smoker to do when they’re only allowed a couple quick smoke breaks at work and absolutely no lighting up anymore down at Mickey Dee’s?  Why not smoke a pack at a time with this awesome and quite retro-fashionable multi-ciggy holder!  Yeah, you’ve come a long way, baby!  It can even be used as a menorah during the holiday season.

Officially endorsed by Rip Taylor.

Officially endorsed by Rip Taylor.

And finally, we have Shit Glitter… which takes all the fun of passing those bland, empty pill shells to a whole new fucked up level.  You still may not be able to polish a turd, but now you can at least make it look sparkly and awesome!  Yes, for once, your family and friends really will want to come in the bathroom and take a gander at that foot long log you gave birth to that you’re extremely proud of!  Hey, Instagram it and share your glitterpoo with the world!  How is this not at the checkout counter of every store in the world?

I find this to be completely demeaning to Sparkleponies!

I find this invention to be completely demeaning to Sparkleponies!

So there you have a look at some of the messed up ideas that may or may not have once showed up in a clearance aisle near you.  Thanks Pam and Sammy for the awesome prompt, and I’ll get to work creating a new and improved prompt post next Friday that no household should be without…

AMAZING!

But wait, there’s more!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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35 Responses to Patent Pending

  1. Ally Bean says:

    I especially like the crocheted hat + beard. What the well-dressed hipster wears when out for a winter walk in the park, I guess?

  2. Fozziemum says:

    Lord have mercy..here it is wayyy past this old chookies bed time and i an getting the stink eye from Doc because i am snorting out loud like a moron..but of course i do this sans toilet golf and only able to enjoy my ciggy in the singular style..Sammy will be chomping at the bit to get tgat floss though..i think too many folk have too much time in der inventin room…just sayin 😉

  3. I wonder who has so much moneeh today to smoke cigarettes that way…. but the fake beard really rocks!

  4. I don’t know where to start oozing admiration for this panoply of wonderful inventions! While I never considered using the kid as a dustmop, I have often thought the dogs might earn their biscuits doing some cleaning, seeing as they do most of the messing.

    And that Maximum Security Pen for miscreant pre-toddlers … where was THAT when I needed it?

    And finally … a life without shit glitter is clearly a life without sunshine. Is it sold on TV? Buy one, get two more free (not including S&H, please enter your credit information here). Does it also make your shit not stink?

    Inquiring minds need to know the answers.

    • I don’t know if Shit Glitter is a real product or not, but I’m guessing if it was, the $425 cost was probably hurt its marketability. There is a product we sell at Mecca called Pure Drop that is supposed to make your shit not stink… only you put it in the bowl before you sit down rather than ingest it and wait for it to make its way through your pipes…

  5. I knew you were the man for this job……the world is full of useless, ridiculous, and dare I say it – ridiculously priced crap (oops…no offense to you shit glitter fans!). You dug up some excellent examples of what happens when people don’t have nearly enough to do in their lives and are left to their own devices (battery operated or otherwise). Thanks for the giggles – this is one prompt I’m proud to have had a part in……………

    Hugs, Pam and Sammy (yes he wants that danged floss….he already has put bacon toothpaste on his wish list for Santa)

    • Your comment reminded me I forgot to include the photo of the battery operated battery charger, which reminds me of the old joke about having a solar powered flashlight. Oh well, I made sure to get the Bacon Floss since I knew Sammy would appreciate it. Hey, you gotta brush AND floss, why not use bacon for both?

  6. I know a family with beard hats…even the baby. They refused to pose for a photo, probably because at least one them reads my blog. At least I asked….

  7. Trisha says:

    There are some seriously fucked up inventions out there! Although I do like the rugrat Swiffer thing. I could have used that fifteen years ago. And I might call an 800 number for the barbed crib if I thought it was tall enough to keep a cat in. I would disown any family member who wore the beard hat or invited me to the bathroom to see their shit glitter.

    Speaking of shit, glitter and seriously fucked up, have you seen the Squatty Potty commercial that exploits a rainbow unicorn? I saw it a few weeks ago and thought about Rainbow Donkey and how being a rainbow unicorn isn’t always a fairy tale good time.

    • OH…. MY….. FUCKING….. GOD…. that video was a train wreck that I just couldn’t stop watching. That poor rainbow unicorn was definitely being forced to do that against his will… oh geez, I wonder if I could exploit that Squatty Potty video for my blog… or at least give RD some Shit Glitter and blow away that rainbow ice cream…

      • Trisha says:

        Oh my fucking god is pretty much what I thought when I first saw it. It’s just so gross in so many ways. I feel bad for that poor unicorn having to be a part of it!

      • Time and brain permitting, I’m dedicating a non-retro TV ad post to it this week! It’s just screaming to be featured!

  8. Quirky Girl says:

    Mmm, a butter stick. I bet my boys would love that as much as they use to love taking a lick of those supposedly non-toxic Elmer’s glue sticks. 😛

  9. draliman says:

    I was just thinking how awesome the noodle-cooler and baby-powered floor cleaner were, and then it all went horribly horribly wrong 🙂
    (Though the crocheted beard is rather fetching, don’t you think?)

    • The crocheted beard looks weird… it almost makes the person look like a Lego guy with the beard painted on. Though I’d rather look like a dork than have to have my cheeks thawed out in the winter…

  10. fanrosa says:

    Believe or not, that beard is far from the stupidest looking knitted/crocheted item that is out there. Meanwhile…

    As the adopter of three new kittens (picking them up today!), I’ve was contemplating MacGuyvering something along the lines of that barbed wire pen. Not quite so barbaric (ha!) though, it’s not like they’re human babies…..

    I actually have some Hercules Hooks, I was wondering where they were just the other day as I stared at all of the blank walls in the bedroom (hey, I’ve only lived here 12+ years, give me some time).

    The butter stick is actually a great idea, especially for corn!

    Thank you so much for not showing how well the glitter shitter works, I was scrolling verrrrry cautiously….

    • YAY kittens!!!! I do hope there will be pictures soon, you know Uncle Poo…. er, Ody and Biskit will want to see them.

      I didn’t delve into a separate search for glitter poo samples because even I wasn’t that curious about it….. though I will warn you to avoid Retro TV Tuesday this week as it will make Toilet Cereal look like a children’s coloring book picture….

  11. Big LOL! You are indeed right. Yarn IS as versatile as duct tape! Just ask the real housewives of Tittybong! That bloke hugging pillow is REALLY freaky because it is half a bloke and the woman looks so comfortable with the idea. Shitting glitter sounds terribly unhealthy but then hugging half blokes doesn’t sound like it is up there with “gold standard” health practices either. LOL and LOL!

  12. atkokosplace says:

    Using a kid as a dust mop is genius! Hahahahaha….Though as comical as that is, I actually put damp clothes at the bottom of my feet and mop the floors! 🙂 Thanks for the laughs!

  13. reocochran says:

    Poor messed up Sparkle Pony. 😦 Hope he gets fixed up again! 🙂

  14. Kat says:

    I might have to try to find that cuddle pillow. That looks a helluva lot better than sleeping with an actual man.

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