Suck it up, buttercup. It’s only going to get worse from here…

The primary reason that God invented inventing is so that we humans could use those big brains we were gifted with from our gorilla ancestors to come up with new things that would make our lives totally better.  While for the most part over the past million years or so, we’ve done a pretty good job of advancing civilization with our species’ knack for ingenuity… technological progress doesn’t always work out the way it should, as sometimes the results of these patent-fueled brainstorms are entirely too fucked up to ever come of any practical use… such as the hydrogen filled dirigible, crystal beverages and Facebook.

The generation that invented the meme…

However, there is another way to completely fail at inventor’s school… and that comes from the cold hard fact that for your new product to actually be successful, it also needs a good promotional campaign.  As you’ve seen in my long history of Retro TV Ad posts I’ve done on my blog, many big name companies who allegedly knew what they were doing still managed to spit out laughable commercials that did their products more harm than good.  It’s easy for newbies to the wonderful world of advertising to make critical errors that turn their better mousetrap into the next mockable mess that will soon be collecting dust down at the Goodwill store.

Take, for instance, the Squatty Potty….

Buckle up, folks… it’s gonna be one fucked up ride…

Trisha tipped me off to this commercial’s existence in the comments of last Friday’s post that mentioned Shit Glitter… and you either have to be a random stranger searching for “xxxxxxxxxxxl” or a lobotomy patient to not realize from that screenshot just why this ad reminded her of The Nest.  Here it is in all of its glory.  Watching this three minute commercial just might change your life… and I deeply apologize for that in advance…

Whenever a product is made for something that is extremely awkward to discuss on national TV, the advertisers usually find a clever way to avoid mentioning the bodily function involved directly.  However, the laughing hyenas Squatty Potty assembled to put together their advertising campaign not only told subtlety where it could go get fucked, but seemingly dared each other to come up with the grossest possible way to show off what their amazing pooping aid could do.  So, we get introduced to Roger Rees’ stunt double from “Men in Tights” who explains how rainbow ice cream is made…

Squatty Potty has just ruined your summer…

And just in case you’re lucky enough to be legally blind when this ad comes on, our jester in prince’s clothing makes sure you will still get the full brunt of the squeamishly horrific way they are trying to sell their product.  “Soft serve straight from a sphincter,” Prince Upchuck deadpans as he proceeds to lick up the colorful unicorn excrement.  Before they can even give the product a plug, everyone in the audience has already vacated their couches to do their own potty squatting and empty themselves from the other end.

The same advertising fail that brought down Eagle Snacks in 1995.

Once the Squatty Potty team is done making you wish the television (or perhaps humanity) had never been invented, our royal host then proceeds to give us a lesson on why people are such terrible shitters.  Because we have this irrational fear of crapping on our ankles in the Western world, our toilet was designed to sit on upright so that our parapoopers can make a successful water landing with little more than a some occasional backsplash as collateral damage to our delicate skin.  Unfortunately, this is not a biologically superior way to clean out our colons..

Elvis might still be with us had the Squatty Potty been around in 1977.

To drive this point home… assuming you haven’t used your keys to gouge out your eyeballs yet, we are treated to a cross-section of the unicorn anatomy trying to take a dump while in the human seated position…

Nobody likes a constipated unicorn.

After more agonizing unicorn X-ray views and a completely tasteless comment about “your colon is now ready for battle,” we finally get to see what the Squatty Potty is 50 seconds into this short subject film on the downfall of human civilization.  Yes, it’s nothing but a glorified footstool you can use to prop your feet up so that your body emulates a squat and can clean out the pipes without them getting kinked around that set of red headphones we have in our butt.  You could just as easily use other ordinary household objects as a substitute for the Squatty Potty, like the dog or a stack of encyclopedias.  But then you wouldn’t be treated to “the best poop of your life”… and in our YOLO adherent culture, who would want to miss out on that?

Another satisfied customer!

If you’ve made it this far into this post so far without passing out (Hi Chuck Norris!), you may be wondering about that strange unicorn who’s being forced to do his business over and over again in front of a horrified audience.

Looks like someone was colored in rainbow lead paint.

There’s something terribly wrong with this creature that’s almost certainly the result of years and years of mythical inbreeding.  Granted, a commercial as off-putting as this Squatty Potty disaster would be the one place you’d expect a creepy looking unicorn to get cast for.  But obviously, we at The Nest take offense since this equine shit slut bears a striking resemblance to our very own Rainbow Donkey… right down to the blue eyes and poorly drawn features.  While we have certainly made RD endure humility and suffer for the sake of humor on this blog, I would never force him to sit in front of all of WordPress and demonstrate the proper way to make rainbow ice cream.

Besides, we’d have to let him out of his chains to do that.

Once Squatty Potty is done degrading majestic beasts and showing how their make believe innards work, they only slightly reel in the nausea factor by going to great lengths to pat themselves on the butt back for having such an awesome product.  Experiencing the best poop of your life is apparently so mind altering, that at least one customer wrote their glowing review of the magic footrest in haiku (probably while on the toilet).  But if that wasn’t enough to convince you to order now, the Squatty Potty is officially endorsed by none other than THE Howard Stern.  And if anyone is an expert at taking a public shit, it’s the King of Controversy…

Come on, kid, it’ll be the best poop of your life!

School age children are notorious for loving gross humor, so Prince Pedophile brings out the royal sweatshop slaves to enjoy some good ol’ unicorn shit on a cone!  Mmmmm mmmmm, good!

This is why your parents told you not to take ice cream cones from strangers.

And our half-baked prince just continues to pile on to what’s already become a state-of-emergency sized load of steaming elephant dung by offering the children toilet paper as napkins.  Aren’t there laws against this shit?

Charmin!?!? Man, fuck you clown!

So the next time you’re watching an ad for Depends or Tucks and wondering why they’re beating around the bush with subtle imagery of soiled diapers and hemorrhoidal flames… remember what happened when the a brave new company with a fecal-freeing footstool had the audacity to kick down the privacy doors of the formerly secret bodily function market and take a crack at airing the dirty doodoo for all to get a good whiff of.  For boldly going where no unicorn has dared to do his business before, The Nest gives a washed hand salute to the Squatty Potty for keeping our shit flowing so we could overcome the clenched bowels we got from watching this otherworldly catastrophe.  Now that we’ve been relieved of the entire contents of both our large intestine as well as our stomach, we feel like doing a little shitty singing to celebrate this epic detoxing.  This will be the worst earworm of your life…