Walk On The Wilder Side

Awww, who doesn't love a patriotic squirrel.

Awww, who doesn’t love a patriotic squirrel?

For those of us in Amurrica, today is the day we celebrate our independence from the colonial powers that dared to place taxes on our tea… or as we like to call it in today’s textspeak world, USxit.  But as far as The Nest is concerned, it’s just another Monday… which means you’re getting no holiday from another firecracker of an earworm we plan on shooting off today from the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy is donning her star spangled top hat and fake Col. Sanders beard as her and the Green Mountain Sponkies unearth a fitting historical relic today that honors this great land of ours in the cheesiest possible way…

dusty vinyl

Matthew Wilder is well known as one of the greatest one hit wonders that you probably never saw on MTV.  His 1983 #5 hit “Break My Stride” still gets plenty of loving from today’s retro music scholars…. yet it never had an official music video to go along with its catchy tune and crazy lyrics.  Given the fact that Matthew had a look that was tailor made for radio, it’s probably a good thing his most popular song was rarely seen on TV…

Now playing at The Blue Oyster Bar...

Now playing at The Blue Oyster Bar

But you don’t just throw a debut single out there and have it become a smash hit without trying again…. and try again Wilder did.  Somehow, someway, he outcheesed the corniness of “Break My Stride” in his follow-up single, “The Kid’s American,” which came out in early 1984.  This time, Matthew DID do a video for the song… and that was a horrific mistake as the all out assault on 80’s lameness was too much for even the most die-hard 80’s fan to tolerate.  This one only hit #33, but I remember it well…. and now, you’ll never be able to forget it either.

As much as I try to give extra credit to the forgotten follow-ups to those one hit wonders we so adore, even I think this song’s basically a piece of shit.  And it even contains all of the necessary 80’s elements, like heavy synth use, a sax solo and a really poorly made video…. yet it still doesn’t work!  For once, I can now see why the career of a flash in the pan artist was put out like baking soda on a grease fire…

This famous grease fire happened at the same time "The Kid's American" was briefly on the charts.  Coincidence?

This famous grease fire happened at the same time “The Kid’s American” was briefly on the charts. Coincidence?

Don’t worry… Matthew hasn’t been reduced to flipping burgers or changing oil since we last saw him in 1984.  Like many other fringe artists, he thrived behind the scenes writing songs for people like Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera and Miley Cyrus… which was his way of continuing to annoy us through a surrogate.  And he even sailed away to China to sing on the 1998 Disney film Mulan, making him an official princess, or something…

Ain't nothing gonna break Ling's stride...

Ain’t nothing gonna break Ling’s stride…

I’ll be back with something that can’t possibly be as bad as this next Monday….

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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21 Responses to Walk On The Wilder Side

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Seriously, that was creepy…all the way to the end. Ew.

    • It’s a train wreck that would’ve taken out the career of an established performer, let alone a one hit wonder. At least he knew to lay low after making this crap…

  2. Well, let’s just say he totally deserved anonymity and leave it at that! EEEEK……how do I get rid of this ear-worm? Fireworks will take care of it I’m sure……………


  3. Merbear74 says:

    Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my MMMBop….
    Wow, this song is hella lame. Dude has a major porn stash too.

  4. fanrosa says:

    Aw, the love child of Weird Al and Woody Harrelson. Interesting that the keyboard player in that still kind of looks like Lou Reed…..

    Meanwhile, when I saw the post email I spent at least 2.560533 seconds trying to figure out what feature you had on a Sunday. Ha!

    • You’re really good at these unofficial DNA tests… I had to scroll back up to think where you got Woody Harrelson from. I have no idea what day it is even though I’m working my regular week… it seemed like a Saturday this morning. I do know there’s a war going on out on my street though. Gotta love white trash….

  5. Where did you get that adorably patriotic squirrel? Does he have any cousins around here?

    • Funny thing about that picture… when I went searching for one on Google to use, that’s the best one I found, and it turns out to be from a squirrel blog I used to follow several years ago before she quit posting! Not that she took the photo either (I don’t know who did, but they need to do something about that poor thing’s mange)…

  6. Happy 4th of July, blessings to your wonderful, freedom loving country and all the people in it. You were so right about the video but the song was fun. I laughed about being able to annoy by proxy. funny concept. 😃. Love patriotic squirrel. God bless Amurrica. XXX

    • Yes, a country where your neighbors are perfectly free to take over the street and shoot off fireworks all evening! No wait… that’s illegal even in Amurrica, but they’re doing it anyway. I’ll bet they don’t put up with this shit in Bumfuckistan!

  7. Trisha says:

    I would feel sorry for old Matthew for having to live down that train wreck of a video but, since he contributed anything to the careers of the three “artists” you mentioned, I don’t.

    USxit – good one! That gave me a good laugh on this Monday that’s not really Monday.

    • Who knew Matthew Wilder was aiding and abetting on cheesy and annoying music for so long? Though not as cheesy and annoying as when the media smashes two words together to come up with something that sounds stupid like Brexit (Though maybe he came up with that as well!)

  8. draliman says:

    Deliciously terrible! I know “Break My Stride” but I’ve never heard of him, or this song.
    It never ceases to amaze me how in the 80s we thought those clothes and hairstyles were a “good thing”.

  9. Piglove says:

    Wait a minute… I was singing Break My Strike. I do remember that song. The other one, naw… even daddy doesn’t remember it. But of course, daddy doesn’t remember what he had for dinner last night – snorts with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon

    • I only remembered that the song existed, but had no recollection of what it sounded like. Now I can’t get it out of my head, and it’s awful! The suffering I endure to preserve lost music…

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