Word Crimes

Vhat do you mean by "irregardless?"  Dammit, that isn't even a verd!!!

Vhat do you mean by “irregardless?” Dammit, that isn’t even a verd!!!

Happy Wednesday to you all out there who stumbled upon my blog today not realizing you picture daywere going to get treated to more of my shitty photography in the latest weekly installment of The Nest’s Picture Day.  Hey, happy anniversary to my folks out there who have been together through better and worse for 43 years now!  Today’s picture is going to honor a different couple who were probably by each others side for even longer, and it will also show off just how intelligent their descendants are…

First off, you should know that our local park will let citizens with donation money burning a hole in their pockets honor loved ones through memorials that can be found throughout the grounds on benches, under trees, on the fountains, and probably even in the john.  Here’s one such touching tribute I came across while there last Monday…

Do not sit on this bench... those nameplates are probably made from pure, toxic lead.

Do not sit on this bench… those nameplates are probably made from pure, toxic lead.

Now I’m far from a grammar nazi.  I believe people should speak as it is natural for them to talk.  So long as others can understand what they’re trying to say, who the hell cares if they let their participle dangle or say “me and so-and-so” rather than the awkward but technically correct “So-and-so and I.”  That said, there are still a couple of English no-no’s that will bristle my bushy tail up like a bottle brush.  Like when people I work with spell “stationery” (as in the office supplies, back to school department) like the word that means not moving.  Another huge one that kills off 69 of my brain cells each time I see it is when people put apostrophes before the S in words that are plural!  Can you imagine what the conductor from Schoolhouse Rock would think if he saw “Son’s” and “Daughter’s” plastered on this bench?  Imagine no longer…

Please don’t make me have to hit any of you with a sandwich board like I would if I met Bert and Lena’s “Grand Children”… apostrophe-S is only used for contractions or to indicate possession!  Never Never NEVER use apostrophe-S for fucking PLURALS!!!

What can we say?  Our grand children grew up to be dumbasse's...

What can we say? Our grand children grew up to be dumbasse’s…

Think of how many grammatically incorrect grand children the Skinner’s must have unleashed unto this world via their nine non-grand children.  Super familie’s like this a century ago didn’t get shitty reality show’s like they do today, they were practically the norm.  This is why our country has been able to survive 200 year’s of deadly childhood disease’s and major battle’s every other decade or so to still have the thriving population we have today who is afraid to have their kid’s properly vaccinated and wants to declare war’s on every geographic entity, culture and inanimate object in the world they don’t like.

The land of the free and the home of the squirrel's!

The land of the free and the home of the squirrel’s!

I’ll be back with another picture that will make your old Language Art’s teacher shit her pants next week…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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23 Responses to Word Crimes

  1. thanks for the lesson, you are a great teacher!!! I will look for this ‘s-thing and I will remember that me-myself and I rule… sadly we only learnt things in school what are completely useless…we can order drinks but we are unable to ask for the bathroom. we never learnt to buy a ticket for the train but we can call a black cab… this id*ot of a teacher had no clue how much a black cab in london really is…

  2. draliman says:

    The moment I saw the picture I thought “such a shame someone paid for a memorial and screwed up the plurals”… (or is that plural’s heh heh)
    Your following paragraph almost made me scream, well done!

    We call that “the grocer’s apostrophe” as it can often be seen on hand-written signs advertising “tomato’s, potato’s” and the like.

  3. You know, Grand Children is also wrong. It’s Grandchildren. This way, it’s certainly complimentary to the young’uns, and I’m sure they are genuinely GRAND … but self promotion is probably not what they intended.

    I’ve seen misspelled tattoos, too. Yoicks.

    I had a rare, civil conversation on Facebook the other day, the subject was “finding a neutral pronoun to for “he/she,” “he and she,” or “she and he.” The suggestion was to substitute “they.” I said that although I understood and appreciate the thought, “they” is plural. The subject needs to be singular, else we get into a grammatical conundrum.

    HE pointed out we are already conundrummed.

    I closed by saying “no one but you me and five other people, all of whom are editors or writers, care about grammar, punctuation, or any of this. They don’t even use words. They write in text-code.” Which ended the exchange on a sad, yet somehow humorous, note.

    • I intentionally copied that as “grand children” to mock that as well. Whoever made those signs must’ve been smoking weed in the back of English class…

      We have someone on my message board who is very adamant about using the word “they” as a gender neutral pronoun. I can’t stand her because she is very nasty towards me, but that happens to be one of the few things I agree with her on. I’ve been using “they” for so long as a singular pronoun (even in situations where the gender is known), that there’s no way I could break the habit…

  4. Trisha says:

    I cringe when I see plural’s and Random Capitalization’s but I feel like screaming when I see mistakes like these on signs and plaques. Someone should have noticed the errors and corrected them or at least suggested they be changed. This is one case where the customer wasn’t right!

    That said, I am horrified by how often my typing fingers make mistakes that my brain knows better than to make. Like using the wrong they’re/their/there. I know better but my stupid fingers go and type the wrong damn thing far too often these days.

    • Random Capitalizations! That reminds me of an old search term I got that asked “Is the word squirrels to be capitalized?” You know, it was hard for me to say no!

      While I make some horrendous typing errors due to brain-to-fingers screwiness, the one that seems to blow up in my face more often than not is its/it’s. Despite knowing in which cases to use each word, I probably type the wrong one over half of the time…

  5. Bradley says:

    Your right, they’re signs are all messed up.

  6. ody & biskit….furst off conga rats two yur dadz peepulz….thatz total lee awesum….peepulz due into see this number much any mor ~~~~ heerz two another 43 & two a yeer a head filled with sum happee nezz & health ~~~~~~~~ ♥♥♥

    now…bout that hole spellin thing…..can we rite full lee commint !!!!!! ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

  7. Speaking as a feline, “speaking correctly” is a matter of opinion – correctly for humans may not be correctly for cats (or squirrels) – AND we have been suitably equipped to handle such unfounded accusations by Mom Nature giving us nice sharp claws. I rest my case (and claws).

    Your Fan, Sammy

    • Yes, when I criticize Ody for all of his meows sounding the same and not telling me what he actually wants, he gets pretty upset with me. And Biskit won’t talk to me at all unless the water bowl’s empty…

  8. Piglove says:

    Snorts – you’ve been reading mom’s diary. She goes off sometimes on these grammar police and incidents. It’s hilarious at times really. Keeping it real is what I say my evil friend – keeping it real! XOXO – Bacon

  9. Quirky Girl says:

    “Never Never NEVER use apostrophe-S for fucking PLURALS!!!”

    Damn misuse of apostrophes!

    This was excruciatingly painful for me to read, as I was forced to suppress the overwhelming urge to scream like a banshee.

    Or to quietly grab a red pen and make a few necessary corrections.

    I have so many grammatical pet peeves, it’s almost laughable.

    Or not. :/

    • You would love all of the associate (and even management) made signs in my store. What’s great is when a smartass will whip out their marker and correct them… and I’ve been that smartass a time or two (or nineteen)…

  10. I thought “grandchildren” was one word. It sounded like they were using it as an adjective, as in shitty children, bad children or wonderful children.

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