Laundry Day

stinky rock

BASHFUL: Excuse me, sir.  I was told you could help me!

SNUGGLE BEAR: Sure!  What do you need?  Someone creepy to scare the kids off your lawn this Halloween?

BASHFUL: No…. you see, last week I had…. um… an unfortunate incident with a skunk, and I was hoping maybe you could freshen me up so I can be a bigger hit with the ladies!

SNUGGLE: Well, you have indeed come to the right place!  I’m just the critter to get you back to your old, cuddly, soft self!  Let me get my magic potion…

snuggle bear's playing for the wrong team!

SNUGGLE: You see, with Snuggle fabric softener, I can make anything feel squeaky clean and squishably soft!  All we gotta do is…

Snuggle Bear looks a bit closer at the bottle…

Son of a bitch!

SNUGGLE: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?!?  Final Touch!?!?  Seriously!?!?  Man, this Evil Squirrel really is a tight old bastard to be buying this pink sewer water to put on his clothes!

BASHFUL: But it’s Ultra Final Touch!

SNUGGLE: Shut your crack, dude!  I’m the expert here.  Oh well, we don’t have time to go to the store and buy something that, you know, actually works… so we’ll just have to make do with this colored water.  Follow me, Bashful…

Snuggle Bear and Bashful walk towards the washing machine…

SNUGGLE: (Lifts the lid) Alright, Stinky!  Hop on in!

BASHFUL: What!?!?  I’m not getting in there….

SNUGGLE: I said…. HOP ON IN!!! (Snuggle Bear pushes Bashful over the edge into the washer)

Halloa down there!

BASHFUL: Boy… it sure is dark down here!

SNUGGLE: And it’s only going to get darker before the dawn!  See ya’ in about thirty, Bashful!

Snuggle Bear closes the lid and sets the washer for the hottest water setting…

SNUGGLE: Now, let’s see what the squirrel has to read around this laundromat…

Wahing the rock!  Washing the rock!

SNUGGLE: Oh boy… political junk mail!  Almost makes me glad I can’t have my own smartphone to play Pokecritter No! with while I wait for this rock to deskunkify….

Bashful gets doused and agitated and spun and rinsed for half an hour, and when the washer’s last cycle is finally completed….

Nobody likes the smell of wet rock

SNUGGLE: Look at you all fresh and clean!!!

BASHFUL: That was (ACHOO!) awful!  I almost…. (ACHOO!) drowned in there!  But at least I don’t smell like B.O. anymore!  Thanks pal!  Now I’ll get back to…

SNUGGLE: You’re not going anywhere!  We’re not done yet!  I said I was going to make you all soft and cuddly again!

BASHFUL: Thanks, but I’m good.  The hard, stony look suits me fine.  I’ll just be…

Bashful turns to get away, but is grabbed by the corporate plushie and dragged towards the dryer…

Welcome to the playground of toddlers and kittens!

BASHFUL: Is this really necessary?

SNUGGLE: You want to be cute and fluffy like I am, don’t you?

BASHFUL: I don’t think I…

SNUGGLE: (Slams dryer door) Of course you do!  Now, let’s just set this for the maximum time… two hours should be good!

It doesn't sound any louder than your hoodie's zipper

SNUGGLE: (Gazes through more of Evil Squirrel’s junk mail) Hmmmmm…. I’m sure ES wouldn’t mind if I took a few of these coupons for Church’s Chicken.  There’s nothing this bear likes more than shitting in the woods after I’ve had some spicy chicken….

BASHFUL: Ouch!  Ooh!  Ow!  Eek!  Yikes!  Crap!…

After an eternity of clanging back and forth in the tumbling torture chamber, the time finally expires and Snuggle Bear retrieves Bashful from the dryer.

dazed and confused, but nice and fluffy!

BASHFUL: Ooooooohhhhh…. where am I?

SNUGGLE: Look at you!!!  You’re so fuzzy and huggable right now!  Those fast and easy chicks on the shelf are gonna totally dig your new plushy feel!

BASHFUL: That was the worst experience I’ve been through since that time I wound up in the prison rockpile.  But hey, you’re right!  I do feel really soft and clean!  Thanks a lot, bro!

SNUGGLE: Don’t mention it!  Come back anytime….

RAINY: Ahem!!!!

Uh oh....

RAINY: I saw you in that clothes dryer, Mr. Bashful!  What were you doing in there?

BASHFUL: I was…. well…. feel how soft I am… I’m like a teddy b…

RAINY: You were in there sniffing my panties, weren’t you!?!?

BASHFUL: What!?  Good lord NO!!!  Why would I want to…

RAINY: You are such a preverted little rock!  I can’t wait until you finally leave this place for good!  But until then….

Rainy turns her tail towards Bashful and….

A happy ending.... for the makers of Final Touch.

SNUGGLE: Well…….. here we go again!!!

Geez, how much more trouble will Bashful get into before we finally have enough of him and strap him on the back of the first carrier pigeon bound for the Hotel Thompson?  Stay tuned….


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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29 Responses to Laundry Day

  1. draliman says:

    Has Bashful finally met his match in Snuggle Bear and Rainy? I bet he’ll be glad to get back home 🙂
    That Snuggle Bear may be snugly on the outside but on the inside he’s a bit like Ted from “Ted”.

  2. Bet the inside of your dryer is all dented………….Bashful is going to need a vacation to recover from his vacation.

    Pam and Sam

  3. Debra Brown says:

    I n can’t believe where my son comes up some of these ideas. I just know that I and his dad are very proud of h8m.

  4. wow… a soft stone… that is a phenomenon! bet that is your ticket to Oprah Bashful :o) btw: you have a real snuggle bear? how cool! my mother a$$kissed through whole Henkel company to get the Persil Mouse for her fourlegged grandson…instead of the giant beast from commercial we got a pitiful 8″ thingy… a mousepiece for Easy :o(

    • One of my friends from my other internet hangout works for Unilever (who made Snuggle at the time) and sent him to me since I stock that stuff at work. I also stock the Persil and was unaware they had a mascot (Though I admittedly watch very little TV these days)…

      • it was a giant white mouse, so darned cute… the thingy I’ve got was small and ugly… welll commercials… they promise giant things and the reality is small and fuzzy :o)

  5. Mattmax says:

    Bashful’s luck man, he has none!

  6. Merbear74 says:

    This is funny as hell…poor Bashful.

  7. Piglove says:

    Oh my goodness. I always thought one of these days that rock of mine was going to meet h is match. But I have to say, who doesn’t like a bear that loves his chicken? Sorry Bashful. XOXO – Bacon

    • That’s probably what was in all of those pick-a-nick baskets that Yogi was always after…. chicken! Bashful should’ve watched more TV so he could see just how evil Snuggle Bear is before asking him for any “help!”

      • Piglove says:

        Snorts! Now even I’m afraid to go anywhere near a teddy bear. Perhaps I’ll just give all of mine to the mutt – I mean toy destroyer here at the casa. Surely he will take care of them. XOXO – Bacon

  8. Piglove says:

    Reblogged this on Piglove and commented:
    Just when you thought Bashful was behaving…. XOXO – Bacon

  9. Trisha says:

    I’m surprised Bashful survived a dunk in that toxic fabric softening stuff! I’m pretty sure the massively overly perfumed stuff that my neighbor uses would have killed him. I can’t even go outside when she’s doing laundry. I’d rather walk through a cloud of skunk spray!

    For some reason, I can imagine a Chucky-style horror movie starring Snuggle Bear. 🙂

    • I have to deal with leaky fabric softener every night, and it is pretty nasty. Though for my money, the worst smelling perfumed chemical in my department is Fabuloso floor cleaner. That stuff absolutely REEKS, yet it is so cheap, people buy it by the gallon jug.

      One of the related links at the bottom of this post is to “Soft and Creepy”, which was my Retro Ad tribute to Snuggle Bear three years ago. It is amazing how universal the opinion is that Snuggle Bear was one of the creepiest mascot ever created for any product (And there’s some pretty sickly twisted videos from people more talented than I am there too!)

  10. “Fluffy stones,” huh? Not sure I’d want to check that out…but whatever floats your boat. We’re keeping our hands off that one-literally! 😉

  11. Quirky Girl says:

    Poor Ted! I mean, Snuggle Bear. 😛

  12. That is SO unfair! Poor little rock. Untrue accusations, cruel fate, to go through all that cleansing only to be gassed again. Oh well. No one said life was fair.

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