CHIP: Good evening, everyone out there in TV land!  This is Chip Squirrel live on the scene of the 69th Presidential debate of this tightly contested 2016 campaign between the incumbent Uncle Sam and the upstart challenger Bashful.  In the interest of keeping this a family friendly broadcast, we conveniently skipped the first fifteen hours of the debate which merely featured the two candidates call each other every childish name in the playground rulebook…

CHIP: Instead, we will skip straight to the section where carefully selected members of the audience will have an opportunity to ask the candidates for their take on issues that are the most important to the critters on the shelf.  Let’s start with this young filly right here…. what’s on your mind this campaign season ma’am?

SCRATCHY: I’d like to know what these two knuckleheads think about the use of dangerous earworms as an implement of torture for our national enemies and innocent retail shoppers.  Don’t you think we should ban shitty muzak?

SAM: It’s in my personal opinion that…. blahblahblahblah… we should form a committee to study… blahblahblahblah… and I hope to seek bipartisan support on… blahblahblahblah… but in conclusion… blahblahblahblah…

CHIP: Well, that was certainly enlightening Uncle President.  What’s your take, Mr. Bashful?

BASHFUL: I believe that musical torture is a much more humane way of extracting information from our enemies than the tried and true methods of short-sheeting and noogies.  And on the domestic front….

BASHFUL: If I am elected all stores and malls in America will pipe out nothing but Kevin Eubanks muzak!  With this cassette playing at retail stores everywhere, we will take people out of the Black Friday lines and back to sitting at the Thanksgiving turkey table!

CHIP: Well…. that’s certainly an interesting un-solution to a non-issue.  Who’s next?  You sir, what would you like to ask of our Presidential hopefuls?

SLICK FOX: ……………..

CHIP: Hello?  Are you there sir?

CHIP: SIR!?!?!?

SLICK: ……. oh…. OH!  Sorry man, I totally tripped out there.  I’d like to know what these two dudes think about expanding the recreational use of Mary Jane… and no, I ain’t talking about my sister, though I’m sure she’s been hit on many times herself!

CHIP: Hemp legalization, gentlemen.  What say you, Uncle President?

SAM: It’s in my personal opinion that…. blahblahblahblah… we should form a committee to study… blahblahblahblah… and I hope to seek bipartisan support on… blahblahblahblah… but in conclusion… blahblahblahblah…

CHIP: Couldn’t have read it off the teleprompter any better myself…. and now you, Mr. Bashful?

BASHFUL: My running mate Mr. Fuzzywig will ensure that the medicinal and calming properties of mary-ju-wahna will become legally and readily available to any critter who so seeks a naturally induced time out from the stressful life that The Nest can bring upon all of us!

CHIP: Tell me, Mr. Bashful.  Have you ever partaken of a little weed yourself?

BASHFUL: No sir, I have never inhaled!  I just look naturally stoned! (rim shot)

CHIP: I haven’t seen such comedic timing from a candidate since the days when Calvin Coolidge would snicker every time President Harding was announced.  Alright, let’s keep the line moving before we end up pre-empting the finale of America’s Top Bitches…

BUSTER: Hello, my name is Buster Possum, and I have been denied health insurance coverage by every company in the universe.  I don’t know why I’m being blackballed by the insurance industry, but I’d like to see some form of….

CHIP: Giant nuts falling from the sky.  Oh, the humanity.  (The Secret Service moves in to scrape Buster off the floor and send him to the kitchen to be served at a future $1,000 a plate fundraiser.)  What I believe he was going to ask, candidates, was if some form of universal health insurance is in our future…

SAM: It’s in my personal opinion that…. blahblahblahblah… we should form a committee to study… blahblahblahblah… and I hope to seek bipartisan support on… blahblahblahblah… but in conclusion… blahblahblahblah…

CHIP: Is there an echo in here, or what?  Mr. Bashful?

BASHFUL: I have two words for you all……………. therapy squirrels!!!

BASHFUL: If I am elected President of this great shelf, I will have trained and fully scritchable therapy squirrels available for all Americans, regardless of income, species or how much they donated to my campaign.  Look at these guys!  They could make a unicorn in an iron lung feel better!

CHIP: Amazing….. way to completely dodge the question there, Bashful.  Who’s up next?

SEYMOUR: I would just like these two bad boys to know that SANTA is watching them!  And I have it on good authority that you’ll both be at the very top of the NAUGHTY list this year!  What do you little imps have to say to THAT?

SAM: It’s in my personal opinion that…. blahblahblahblah… we should form a committee to study… blahblahblahblah… and I hope to seek bipartisan support on… blahblahblahblah… but in conclusion… blahblahblahblah…

CHIP: Will someone please go check and see if Uncle Sam even has a pulse?  Mr. Bashful…. your response?

BASHFUL: I would just like to state in no uncertain terms that this allegation of NAUGHTINESS on my part is completely untrue, unfounded and full of crap!  Why, if I was such a bad little rock, I wouldn’t have been visited by Santa’s little helper squirrel tonight to bring me an early present!

SQUIRREL ELF (SQUELF?): I didn’t come by to give you a present!  I’m just here to let you know that Santa plans on leaving you in the stockings of all of the bad boys and girls this Christmas!

BASHFUL: Dammit, for the last time, I am NOT a lump of coal!  I’m a ROCK!  See if you can get that through that jolly old fat man’s skull this time!  Sheesh….. now, where was I?  What was the question?

CHIP: Good to see Admiral Stockdale was invited to this debate.  I think we have time for one more question…. you, ma’am.  What’s your beef with the candidates?

RAINY: I would like to know what each candidate proposes to do with regards to the environment.  Do they even realize The Nest has been in the middle of a seven year drought…. not a single drop of rain has ever fallen in my precious gauge!  Please, sirs… make it rain again!

CHIP: Well Uncle….. no wait!  Let me guess….

SAM: It’s in my personal opinion that…. blahblahblahblah… we should form a committee to study… blahblahblahblah… and I hope to seek bipartisan support on… blahblahblahblah… but in conclusion… blahblahblahblah…

RAINY: That doesn’t sound like a solution to me!

CHIP: Mr. Bashful, please make some sense…

BASHFUL: I’m prepared this time!

BASHFUL: I don’t know about rain, but I do know one of the most toxic threats to our environment around here is SKUNK SPRAY!  And I plan on defending all critters against it with big, honking cans of Glade air freshener!  Blue Odyssey will make our shelf great again!!!

RAINY: Ozone depleting aerosol cans!?!?  Mr. Bashful!  That’s the worst possible solution I have ever heard of!  You need to be taught another lesson… (Rainy moves towards Bashful’s podium)

BASHFUL: Oh no you don’t!  I have Secret Service protection now!

BASHFUL: Umm…. who is this guy riding on a cloud?

LUIGI: I’mma your Secret Service guard, sworn-a to protect you with-a my life!

BASHFUL: Well….. do your job then!  Haul that skunk outta….

LUIGI: MAMA MIA!  That’s-a bigga skunk-a!  (Revs up his cloudmobile) I’ll-a catch-a you later at the bigga possum and spaghetti dinnah! (Luigi zips away like a plumber out of hell)

BASHFUL: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap……

CHIP: And thus ends our unfortunate broadcast of this round of the Presidential debates.  I’d like to apologize to everyone out there who had to witness this grotesque look at the American political system in action which will always leave you holding your nose.  For some reason I can’t comprehend, we’ll return tomorrow with the next showdown in this endless election cycle…. same place, same time, same insults.  This is Chip Squirrel signing off… good night, and God help us all!