SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful! Uncle Bashful!!!
BASHFUL: Mmmmmmm, yeah. What a cutie pie she is!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful!!!
Bashful suddenly realizes he’s being watched and feverishly backs the browser out of the Sexy Rock Selfies website he’d been “browsing”….
BASHFUL: GAH! What do you little imps want!?!? Can’t a rock get a little alone time around this crazy Nest?
CHILDREN: We’re BORED!!!
BASHFUL: Isn’t there a big, busy street outside for you all to play out in?
CHILDREN: Can you tell us a STORY, Uncle Bashful?
BASHFUL: What do I look like, Captain Kangaroo? NO, I will most certainly not….
The clever squirrel children offer up a little “bribe”…
BASHFUL: Wellllllllllll…… (grabbing the booze) Alright! Go fetch me my best shot glass, and I’ll entertain you little furballs for a few minutes!
The squirrels kids begin to jump up and down in excitement, like the little hellions they are…
BASHFUL: (Takes a good long swig of alcohol to “loosen up his vocal cords”) OK, kiddies… here we go! Once upon a time, there were three unicorns gruff. The unicorns were living happily ever after until there came a time when the trees on their side of the valley stopped producing…. well, whatever it is unicorns gruff would eat to survive.
CHILDREN: Unicorn berries!!!
BASHFUL: Yeah, unicorns berries or some shit like that. So anyway, the youngest of the three unicorns noticed one day that there was a tree across the river that was just loaded with a butt-ton of big, juicy unicorn berries!
BASHFUL: With a giant rumble in her belly, the tiny unicorn began to cross the bridge to get at those tasty, far-away berries. But unbeknownst to her, there was something nasty lingering under the bridge…. besides the raw sewage floating in the river, that is…
BASHFUL: A homeless troll had set up shop underneath the bridge, and he did not like it when other critters crossed without first giving him some booze money. The tiny hooftaps from above awoke him from a deep, vodka-induced slumber….
TROLL: Oooooooohhhhhhh….. oh, my head. Damn hangovers…… hey you!!! Stop that stomping on my bridge! Don’t make me come up there!
BASHFUL: But the unicornlet kept right on clip clopping across… until the Troll finally confronted her at the other side.
TROLL: Halt! Who goes there!?!? This is MY bridge, and nobody passes without my say so…. or offering me a pack of ciggies.
TINY TINA: Oh wow! A nasty old troll! Get back, nasty old troll! I aim to get at those delicious unicorn berries on the other side of this bridge!
TROLL: Such ballsy behavior coming from a little girl who’d make such a tasty appetizer for a starving troll like myself. What are you going to do if I don’t get out of your way?
TINA: I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your bridge down!!!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful!!! That’s the wrong story!
BASHFUL: Oh…. well, what Tina meant to say was…
TINA: You wouldn’t want to eat me! I’m nothing but skin and horn and I taste like Disney Princesses Bubble Bath! Why don’t you wait for my bigger sister to cross and have at her instead?
BASHFUL: The idea that a meatier unicorn might soon be coming appealed to the troll, so he ruffled a hand through the rat’s nest on his head and let Tina pass…
BASHFUL: So the nasty old troll retreated back underneath his bridge to scour the help wanted ads and check out the daily racing form. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before he heard the clopping of larger hooves atop the bridge…
TROLL: Halt! Who goes there!?!? This is my bridge and nobody crosses without my say so… or maybe giving me a pinch of chaw.
SCRATCHY: Yo, check this dude out! Nice tights, man! And I see Vidal Sassoon isn’t looking too good today. And what kind of a “Super Grad” lives underneath a bridge anyway?
TROLL: Look, it’s called being over-educated and under-employed, OK? The Dot Com collapse was pretty rough on me, and they won’t let me work at Mecca because I scare off the customers! I haven’t had a good square meal since Y2K, but I see my next one right in front of me trying to cross MY bridge!
SCRATCHY: Oh, please! You didn’t eat my little sister because she was too scrawny… and you’re not going to eat me because I’m too awesome! Why don’t you just move your little spandex clad bod aside and wait on my big sister. She’s just right….
CHILDREN: You’re getting your fairy tales mixed up AGAIN, Uncle Bashful!
BASHFUL: If you don’t all be quiet, the next thing I’ll be reading to you is the riot act! Now where was I? Oh yes, the stupid troll let his greed get the best of him yet again and let Scratchy pass unobstructed so that she could join her sister in filling her gullet full of unicorn berries…
BASHFUL: So our beloved troll hid under the bridge for a third time, salivating at the very thought of the feast that was due to come across any time now. The troll hadn’t even had the chance to preheat his oven when a sound like thunder came from up above.
TROLL: Oh boy! That must be big-big sister now! (Grabs his knife and fork and Grimace bib) I can’t wait to sink my teeth into….
TROLL: Oh dear….
MITZI THE BIMBOCORN: Like, hi and stuff!
TROLL: B-b-big sister! What a big horn you have!
CHILDREN: BASHFUL!!!! Not again!!!
MITZI: Speak for yourself there, Troll boy! That spandex doesn’t hide much! So… is that a magic staff in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
TROLL: I…. I had come up here to….. eat you.
MITZI: Ooooooh! How kinky! I like you!
TROLL: This isn’t how the story is supposed to….
MITZI: So, like…… your bridge or mine, Super Stud?
BASHFUL: And so Tina and Scratchy gorged themselves on the unicorn berry tree until they’d eaten every last one of them up and were then forced to go without until it bloomed again next Spring. They never saw their big sister again, or that nasty old troll for that matter. But you better believe they were living happily ever after! The end!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful…. that story was AWFUL! You didn’t stay true to canon and made a lot of stuff up!
BASHFUL: Look here you little fuzztailed leeches! You wanted a fairy tale to entertain you, and I gave you my best! I can’t help it if you can’t appreciate good storytelling…
CHILDREN: But we’re STILL BORED!!!
BASHFUL: OK, then it’s entertainment MY WAY! (Bashful turns back towards the computer) Here, maybe this will be more up your guys’ alley! Some sexy SQUIRREL selfies…
LITTLEST SQUIRREL KID: She better not have COOTIES!