SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful! Uncle Bashful!!!
BASHFUL: Mmmmmmm, yeah. What a cutie pie she is!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful!!!
Bashful suddenly realizes he’s being watched and feverishly backs the browser out of the Sexy Rock Selfies website he’d been “browsing”….
BASHFUL: GAH! What do you little imps want!?!? Can’t a rock get a little alone time around this crazy Nest?
CHILDREN: We’re BORED!!!
BASHFUL: Isn’t there a big, busy street outside for you all to play out in?
CHILDREN: Can you tell us a STORY, Uncle Bashful?
BASHFUL: What do I look like, Captain Kangaroo? NO, I will most certainly not….
The clever squirrel children offer up a little “bribe”…
BASHFUL: Wellllllllllll…… (grabbing the booze) Alright! Go fetch me my best shot glass, and I’ll entertain you little furballs for a few minutes!
The squirrels kids begin to jump up and down in excitement, like the little hellions they are…
BASHFUL: (Takes a good long swig of alcohol to “loosen up his vocal cords”) OK, kiddies… here we go! Once upon a time, there were three unicorns gruff. The unicorns were living happily ever after until there came a time when the trees on their side of the valley stopped producing…. well, whatever it is unicorns gruff would eat to survive.
CHILDREN: Unicorn berries!!!
BASHFUL: Yeah, unicorns berries or some shit like that. So anyway, the youngest of the three unicorns noticed one day that there was a tree across the river that was just loaded with a butt-ton of big, juicy unicorn berries!
BASHFUL: With a giant rumble in her belly, the tiny unicorn began to cross the bridge to get at those tasty, far-away berries. But unbeknownst to her, there was something nasty lingering under the bridge…. besides the raw sewage floating in the river, that is…
BASHFUL: A homeless troll had set up shop underneath the bridge, and he did not like it when other critters crossed without first giving him some booze money. The tiny hooftaps from above awoke him from a deep, vodka-induced slumber….
TROLL: Oooooooohhhhhhh….. oh, my head. Damn hangovers…… hey you!!! Stop that stomping on my bridge! Don’t make me come up there!
BASHFUL: But the unicornlet kept right on clip clopping across… until the Troll finally confronted her at the other side.
TROLL: Halt! Who goes there!?!? This is MY bridge, and nobody passes without my say so…. or offering me a pack of ciggies.
TINY TINA: Oh wow! A nasty old troll! Get back, nasty old troll! I aim to get at those delicious unicorn berries on the other side of this bridge!
TROLL: Such ballsy behavior coming from a little girl who’d make such a tasty appetizer for a starving troll like myself. What are you going to do if I don’t get out of your way?
TINA: I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your bridge down!!!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful!!! That’s the wrong story!
BASHFUL: Oh…. well, what Tina meant to say was…
TINA: You wouldn’t want to eat me! I’m nothing but skin and horn and I taste like Disney Princesses Bubble Bath! Why don’t you wait for my bigger sister to cross and have at her instead?
BASHFUL: The idea that a meatier unicorn might soon be coming appealed to the troll, so he ruffled a hand through the rat’s nest on his head and let Tina pass…
BASHFUL: So the nasty old troll retreated back underneath his bridge to scour the help wanted ads and check out the daily racing form. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before he heard the clopping of larger hooves atop the bridge…
TROLL: Halt! Who goes there!?!? This is my bridge and nobody crosses without my say so… or maybe giving me a pinch of chaw.
SCRATCHY: Yo, check this dude out! Nice tights, man! And I see Vidal Sassoon isn’t looking too good today. And what kind of a “Super Grad” lives underneath a bridge anyway?
TROLL: Look, it’s called being over-educated and under-employed, OK? The Dot Com collapse was pretty rough on me, and they won’t let me work at Mecca because I scare off the customers! I haven’t had a good square meal since Y2K, but I see my next one right in front of me trying to cross MY bridge!
SCRATCHY: Oh, please! You didn’t eat my little sister because she was too scrawny… and you’re not going to eat me because I’m too awesome! Why don’t you just move your little spandex clad bod aside and wait on my big sister. She’s just right….
CHILDREN: You’re getting your fairy tales mixed up AGAIN, Uncle Bashful!
BASHFUL: If you don’t all be quiet, the next thing I’ll be reading to you is the riot act! Now where was I? Oh yes, the stupid troll let his greed get the best of him yet again and let Scratchy pass unobstructed so that she could join her sister in filling her gullet full of unicorn berries…
BASHFUL: So our beloved troll hid under the bridge for a third time, salivating at the very thought of the feast that was due to come across any time now. The troll hadn’t even had the chance to preheat his oven when a sound like thunder came from up above.
TROLL: Oh boy! That must be big-big sister now! (Grabs his knife and fork and Grimace bib) I can’t wait to sink my teeth into….
TROLL: Oh dear….
MITZI THE BIMBOCORN: Like, hi and stuff!
TROLL: B-b-big sister! What a big horn you have!
CHILDREN: BASHFUL!!!! Not again!!!
MITZI: Speak for yourself there, Troll boy! That spandex doesn’t hide much! So… is that a magic staff in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
TROLL: I…. I had come up here to….. eat you.
MITZI: Ooooooh! How kinky! I like you!
TROLL: This isn’t how the story is supposed to….
MITZI: So, like…… your bridge or mine, Super Stud?
BASHFUL: And so Tina and Scratchy gorged themselves on the unicorn berry tree until they’d eaten every last one of them up and were then forced to go without until it bloomed again next Spring. They never saw their big sister again, or that nasty old troll for that matter. But you better believe they were living happily ever after! The end!
CHILDREN: Uncle Bashful…. that story was AWFUL! You didn’t stay true to canon and made a lot of stuff up!
BASHFUL: Look here you little fuzztailed leeches! You wanted a fairy tale to entertain you, and I gave you my best! I can’t help it if you can’t appreciate good storytelling…
CHILDREN: But we’re STILL BORED!!!
BASHFUL: OK, then it’s entertainment MY WAY! (Bashful turns back towards the computer) Here, maybe this will be more up your guys’ alley! Some sexy SQUIRREL selfies…
LITTLEST SQUIRREL KID: She better not have COOTIES!
Bashful will likely be headed back to Bacon at the end of next week, so enjoy him while you can! And if you’ve missed any of his crazy adventures at The Nest so far, you can check them all out here!
OMG, this is the best thing ever (besides anything with Sparklepony in it). Just what I needed today. Bless you and your crazy imagination. You actually got a use out of one of those creepy trolls! I remember how popular they were when I was young. Eeek. lol.
I never understood the fascination with Troll dolls, and I have no fucking idea why someone thought it would be a good idea to give me that ugly ass thing for graduation! But he was Johnny on the spot for my story…. so thank goodness for hoarding!
A story, no matter how absurd, that has a unicornlet in it, is by all objective standards, wonderful. Weird, a bit unhinged… but wonderful.
I’m not sure “unhinged” and “wonderful” have ever been used in the same review of anything before. I feel greatly honored!
Oh, sometimes they go together perfectly! Case in point.
That was absolutely nuts. I’ll be laughing all day about it.
I have so much fun making these up… usually on the fly. There will be many more, even after Bashful takes leave….
Twisted and hysterical
ody & biskit…we dunno how yur dad comes up with thiz stuff but heez a geniuz !!! a paws a paws a pawz ☺☺☺
heerz two a pineapple fish kinda week oh end ~~~~~~~ ♥♥♥
The boys would certainly vouch for my being a bit “off”…. and they’d probably roll their eyes to the geniuz label!
I want to know the rest of the story … like did the troll and the big bimbo unicorn make little trollicorn babies? What does a trollicorn baby look like? Inquiring minds need to know this stuff.
Well, since it’s Bashful’s story, I guess I’d have to ask him… and that means I’d have to get him liquored up again. And since I don’t actually keep any of that on hand…… well, we may just have to leave the possibility of trollicorn babies to the reader’s imagination!
Those squirrel children could teach my kids a thing or two about proper bribery. 😀
Oh, I’m sure it was the puppy dog eyes from the kids and not that big bottle of booze that swayed Bashful’s mind in this case! But it would be hilarious to think of kids getting a fake ID just so they could properly bribe their parents!
Bashful is the perfect babysitter, who knew?
I just hope Rainy never sends her kids to Uncle Bashful’s daycare service….
Oh.my.gerd. Bashful is so twisted beyond means. And just to think he has a son. Shaking my head. WOW. Wait until he comes home and tells me the things that happened that can’t be spoken about here on the blog. XOXO – Bacon
It’s been a life-changing experience for him coming here, no doubt! There will be at least one more adventure for Bashful before the Friday finale, and depending on time it will either be posted later this morning or sometime tomorrow…
Oh my! Shaking my head. My poor tyke needs to rethink his name for sure. XOXO – Bacon
Reblogged this on Piglove and commented:
Oh friends – are you ready for a bedtime story from Bashful? Insert evil snorts with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon
I think we need a Bashful when the introoders are here…MOL 😀 Pawkisses for a Happy Day 🙂 ❤
Every house can use a Bashful (parental guidance suggested)….
Snicker, snicker, snicker. That Bashful…what a handful!