Candy Droppings

The scariest thing about Halloween.

The scariest thing about Halloween.

Rather than draw another picture today (or next Tuesday either since I’ll be entertaining a quote challenge I was volunteered for), I was going to do another fascinating recap of how I spent my Halloween evening, only to go back and read my recap from last year’s holiday and realize that I already covered most of what I wanted to say, and probably better than I would have done the second time around…. including the creativity black hole that is children’s costumes, why I bother going through the good citizen routine in the first place, and even the crushing realization I came to last night that my blog reading is gonna get even more behind than it already has over the coming month…

Why can't it always be FuYuBloMe?

Why can’t it always be FuYuBloMe?

Still, I have an assortment of random nuggets left over that didn’t get passed out to two year old toddlers so their parents can chow down on my unwanted candy….

The end of Daylight Savings Time really needs to be moved back to the weekend before Halloween.  The early sunset was one of the charms of the trick or treating routine that i recall as a kid.  And when the sun doesn’t bother to set until around 6:30, you get assholes that show up at your door at 9 PM, long after you’ve put away the Squirrel O’Lantern and begun doing regular people things again, like having dinner…

Ummmm.... it's 1:30 AM.  Don't you kids have bedtimes?

Ummmm…. it’s 1:30 AM. Don’t you kids have bedtimes?

Speaking of the Squirrel O’Lantern, it managed to get two comments from passer bys!  One was just a generic “That’s great” or something like that.  The second was from a female chaperone who asked if that was supposed to be a squirrel or a wolf.

It's whatever you want it to be, Toots.

It’s whatever you want it to be, Toots.

I didn’t actually call her Toots, but that was pretty much my reply… which I realized right away sounded a little cocky and is a good example of why I can’t carry normal conversations with strange people… so I smiled and said it’s supposed to be a squirrel.  That’s when her three year old hellion decided to reach for the “squolf” that had a candle inside… which could have burned the hell out of his hand, or even worse, ruined my beautiful Squirrel O’Lantern…

Yeah, touch the fire, baby.  Let Darwinism run its course....

Yeah, touch the fire, baby. Let Darwinism run its course….

While the kids costumes seemed even lamer than last year (Almost exclusively “generic superhero” or “dress up in black and slap some cheap-ass lead-tainted paint on my face”), I noticed many more of the parents/guardians were also dressed up than normal.  That’s not too surprising since more and more the tradition of Halloween is phasing out the kids’ part and trending more towards adult (or wannabe adult) fun.

None of the adults wore costumes like this.... even though it was a mild 70 degrees.

None of the adults that came by wore costumes like this…. even though it was a mild 70 degrees.

Last year, my street was rocking with most of the handful of houses taking part in the Halloween tradition of dumping off expired candy on strange children.  This year, it was literally just me and my left-side neighbor… and since we’re the two houses the farthest down the cul-de-sac, kids had to walk a mile to get a candy Camel.  The next house down from my neighbor’s pulled a pretty nifty trick…. hosting a Halloween party that had half of the parking spaces on the street taken up, yet keeping the ranch style house on a slab hosting it looking as dark as the far end of Uranus to discourage the trick or treat vermin.

Hope you brought your glow sticks... we have to turn off the lights now.

Hope you brought your glow sticks… we have to turn off the lights now.

If Major League Baseball is going to have the World Series extend into November, would it kill them to schedule the games so that there will be something to watch on Halloween night?  Not that I minded having Music Choice 80’s on in the background as I ground through my blog reading backlog to the sounds of Milli Vanilli and The Information Society, but what better day than October 31st to feature an epic battle between two cursed teams?

Or even the World Series of Cornhole would have been nice.  Cleveland is good at one sport, at least...

Or even the World Series of Cornhole would have been nice. Cleveland is good at one sport, at least…

And finally, my favorite random comment of the night…. from some “kid” who was probably too old to be trick or treating and looked like the stereotypical fat kid who’s probably spent half his life getting his ass kicked by bullies smaller than him….

“Man, this house is a MESS!!!!”

Yes, my house does look like a mess from the outside.  Its curb appeal would be measured in negative terms, and it looks like a HGTV rehab project just waiting to happen.  I should have pissed on his candy anyway just for being such a design snob…

Thanks for noticing I'm living in a fucking dump.  Speaking of, you'll be taking quite a few once you eat this delicious candy I saved just for you!

Thanks for noticing I’m living in a fucking dump. Speaking of, you’ll be taking quite a few of those once you eat this delicious candy I saved just for you!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to Candy Droppings

  1. franhunne4u says:

    So glad it has not caught on here, yet.

  2. Normally Halloween is on the coldest, nastiest night in October in the Mile High but this year it was quite balmy. I expected tons of kids to darken, er…swing by the house. Instead the same handful that got bused in from wherever it is they come from were the only ones who showed up. Now I’m stuck with candy I wouldn’t eat with a gun pointed at my head. The older I get, the less I know about kids. Argh.

  3. fanrosa says:

    Nothing to watch? Nothing to watch????? How about the NUGGETS!!!!11, DWTS, Lucifer, the Voice, RHPS… was just all too much……

    PS Draw me a picture, dammit!

  4. JackieP says:

    No kids for me this year as usual. Ah, sweet silence. 😉

  5. ody & biskit; de food servizz gurl werked til howl o ween hourz waz done & over…we shutted off all de litez that waz never on in de furst place N ignored de door bell that never ringed; most lee coz itz knot hooked up & cant ring 🙂 ♥♥♥☺☺☺

  6. You really don’t have to do the quotes if you don’t want to. This is why i hate these things. I thought this one was no heavy lifting, but if it is, just don’t do it. It’s not like i won’t get paid if you don’t participate. None of us are ever getting paid for anything 🙂 that’s so much simpler.

    • It’s no bother… and it’s something different. it’s just not a good week to start for me. I learned to say NO back in the day when every other comment was someone trying to pass on one of those stupid blogging awards to me… and would have been honest had I not been OK with doing it. Seems like most of those awards have gone away now…. or maybe everyone’s just given up on trying to pass along that blogging VD to me anymore…

  7. cube says:

    We don’t mind the neighborhood kids, but later in the night we get a second wave of older kids who are driven in from other places and they’re often rude & some can’t even be bothered to dress up. They’re the Jack Friday of trick or treaters… “Just the candy, ma’m.” When that happens, we magically run out of candy.

    • Great reference! Now I’m imagining Friday and Gannon going door to door trick or treating. Shutting down the candy factory early isn’t a bad idea to avoid the carpetbaggers. My Mom took us to a different neighborhood because trick or treating was almost non-existent where I lived, but we still got out and walked the beat. I sneer every time I see one of those “trick or treating by car” operations…. that’s not how it’s supposed to work.

    • Those big “kids” scare the heck out of me. We gave them candy because we were afraid they’d vandalize the house and cars if we didn’t. They’re the reason why I gave up on giving out candy.

  8. We shut the lights off and hide. Now that my little boys are men, we’ve become “those” people. I never handed out candy anyway. I went out door to door with the kids while hubby had door duty at our house. Now that hubby’s on the road all week long, I’d just as soon not answer the door to some bruiser with no costume clutching a pillow case demanding candy. We get those.

  9. Yes…….Squolf! Be afraid ….. be very afraid. Fear the Squolf and the Chocolate laxative. Thanks for sharing your inspired Halloween squirrelness and evilness.

  10. draliman says:

    I had four little callers all dressed as witches – very impressive witches too. I splashed out and they all got a little packet of Haribo (because I saw it on the shelf at the supermarket and realised I could eat the left-overs because Haribo mmm).
    It actually renewed my faith in kids, as even the pair of older girls who turned up together without an adult were really polite. I guess they’re not all the knife-wielding miscreants I thought they were. Maybe that comes post-puberty.

  11. We had TWO trick or treaters – our next door neighbor kids who actually appreciated their “treats” and were dressed up in adorable costumes that they MADE and didn’t BUY. Amazing. No other kids showed up though…..this may be the last year I bother decorating the front porch! At least we had some good entertainment during our otherwise QUIET evening – “The Blob” (original version) was on the tube. Always a good giggle.


    • I would be crushed if nobody came by to see my pumpkin I put my blood, sweat and tears into making look appropriately spooky. I’ve never seen any of the horror classics…. I think all of the Freddy and Jason movies my Mom watched when I was a kid turned me off to horror at a young age….

  12. More and more people are putting up grisly displays in their yard. The creepiest was the guy standing on the sidewalk in black, holding a saw. He just stared at you… He obviously doesn’t have little kids because he wasn’t adverse to scaring them – he didn’t have to get up in the night! lol

  13. Trisha says:

    It’s good of you to carve a squirrel-o-lantern and hand out candy! If I lived alone and didn’t have someone else to answer the door, I would turn off the lights and hide. Although maybe that’s just because it’s such a hassle to get to my front door. It’s bad enough to have to go down and then back up a flight of stairs but I have to fight the dog to even get to the stairs. He always manages to stay one step ahead of me, barking the whole way. His vicious sounding bark made one little trick-or-treater flee in terror.

  14. Who cares what the kid thinks of your house? You’re the one who lives in it, not him, and if you think it’s fine, then it’s fine. If you think it needs work doing to it but you can’t afford to get it done, then that’s fine too.

    Bloody kids, coming round expecting chocolates for free…

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