I Approve This Post

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TV ANNOUNCER: And we’ll be right back with Real Housewives of Tittybong after these messages!

SAM: Hello, I’m Uncle Sam and I want you to elect me as your President!  I’ll stand up for the working people!

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WORKMAN: So, like, is he going to help us get this job done?

LUIGI: No, he just-a stands there and looks-a like he cares for us-a working stiffs, y’ know.

SAM: I’ll be a champion of our children’s education!

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TEACHER: OK, class…. we’re going to spend the next three weeks doing standardized tests to see if you’ve all learned enough for our school district to continue being accredited next semester!

SAM: And I’ll fight for middle class families…. and whatever it is those kind of people value in life.

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SPONKIE 2: Do I hafta smile, Daddy?

RAINBOW DONKEY: Yes, darling… we’re getting paid good money for this photo opp.

SAM: My opponent won’t do any of these awesome things if she’s elected President…

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Luna wants to make the next four years as unfun as possible by banning Christmas, outlawing Pokemon No!, bringing back Prohibition, and she even wants to bring an end to the all American tradition of possum squishing!

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We shelf critters can do better than letting Princess Luna run things into the floor.  On November 8th, vote for your Uncle Sam as Shelf President!

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SAM: I’m Uncle Sam, and I approve this message!

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FAMOUS TV NARRATOR: Uncle Sam wants you to think he’s on our side…. but just who is Sam really working for?  Maybe we should look at some of the powerful lobbyists who have contributed big bucks to Uncle Sam’s campaign….

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NARRATOR: Like Big Tobacco….

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NARRATOR: Big Booze…

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NARRATOR: Big Laundry Detergent….

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NARRATOR: And even Big Muzak is in Uncle Sam’s pocket trying to get Kevin Eubanks played in every store in the land.  Does that sound like a candidate who’s looking out for OUR best interests?

Princess Luna will fight the bureaucracy and political corruption that has hurt citizens with an ingenious plan that will bring us hope for the future…

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NARRATOR: Luna will dive into the mess our government has become horn first and truly make this shelf a great place for everyone…. plushies, figurines, knickknacks, and even critters illegally imported from China that are tainted with lead paint.  This Tuesday, there is only one answer for the problems that loom over our country…. vote Princess Luna for Shelf President!

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LUNA: I’m Princess Luna, and I approve this…..

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ANOTHER RECOGNIZABLE TV NARRATOR: By now, you’ve probably heard Princess Luna’s claims that she wants to make the shelf great again.  But just how can she preserve and restore our cherished values when she doesn’t even hold them herself?

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NARRATOR: Luna went to college with the express purpose of dodging the draft, even though females weren’t eligible for conscription.  There she conspired with undesirables and enemies of our shelf, while donkey kicking our veterans and burning our flag just for the hell of it.

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NARRATOR: Luna’s values apparently also include pornography, where she modeled numerous times for Playbrony magazine (Looking damn hot in the centerfold, too!), as well as appearing in countless X rated films under the stage name “Horny Pony.”

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NARRATOR: Luna’s even on record as stating she wants to take the World Series trophy away from long-suffering Cubs fans and give it to the Indians instead, who nobody in America even cares about.  Does that sound like a critter who wants to make things great again?

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NARRATOR: Luna is just plain evil.  Vote for…. well, whoever’s running against her.  We don’t know who it is… we just don’t want Luna to win…. the bitch….

(In a very fast and low voice) Citizens Against Unicorns is responsible for the content of this advertisement…. Charles Manson, Treasurer.

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THAT GUY WHO NARRATES YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ONE OF THOSE CRIME CHANNELS: Uncle Sam’s been on the attack against Luna from day one of this campaign.  And it isn’t hard to see why.  Sam would rather make up vicious lies about his opponent to distract you from the fact that he takes frequent taxpayer funded junkets to exotic destinations all over the world…

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SAM: G’day, mates, from beautiful downtown Uluru Australia!

RAINBOW DINOSAUR: Rawr…

NARRATOR: Or perhaps Sam was hoping you forgot about that scandal revolving around him and one of his interns back in the 90’s…

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MITZI: I didn’t wear that blue dress like you asked me not to…

SAM: That’s great, baby, but you really should have put something on for this press conference…

NARRATOR: And no doubt Sam’s constant mudslinging is meant to draw your attention away from the fact that he’s very friendly with evil dictators and terrorists who want to cause us great harm…

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KIM-IL-TROLL: So you really don’t mind if we smuggle our nerve gas agents into your country so long as we promise you free data for life on your cellphone?

SAM: I’ll be in the bunker under the White House playing Candy Crush all day once I’m elected.  Do what you want!

NARRATOR: Uncle Sam…. not right for President, not right for our shelf.  (Fast and soft voice) The Foundation For The Perpetuation Of Negative Political Ads is responsible for the content of this advertisement…. Michael Milken, Treasurer.

RAINY: Nerve gas?  I’ll show them nerve gas……

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RAINY: NO MORE POLITICAL ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to I Approve This Post

  1. BIG muzak? I’ll vote for ya…

  2. Piglove says:

    Oh my – nerve gas and Bashful rolled out of the room so fast we felt wind passing us. Snorts with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon

  3. Can he next 4 days come quick enough? 🇺🇸

    • Really! I don’t even watch much TV, but I did watch the World Series and saw more than enough of this BS during those games! Blech…

      • It was particularly hard, since you saw such an amazing series and then had it all stink up with political ads. I have to take a shower after each one as well as every news broadcast. While I’ll be glad for it all to end, I only hope it turns out well lest the skeeze factor continues.

  4. I’m hoping someone lands here from outer space as a last minute surprise candidate – I’ll vote for them if they find a seat for me on the next flight outta here………..

    Pam (and Sam whose bags are packed)

    • Someone could drop in from 50 billion miles away…. and within 24 hours, the media and both candidates will have already managed to dig up all kinds of dirt on this strange alien. Welcome to Earth….

  5. draliman says:

    I’m guessing Buster will be voting for Luna on her “ban possum squishing” agenda. It’s a bit of a rock and a hard place. A frying pan and a fire. What to do?

  6. Ally Bean says:

    Whoever can end The Foundation For The Perpetuation Of Negative Political Ads has my vote. This has been too much for too long.

    • With all of the talk of term limits and ending corruption…. the candidate who can promise to BAN all negative political advertising would have everyone’s vote. I’d be all for covering up that First Amendment text when it comes to keeping special interests from being able to create political ads at all…. those are the ads that are the most vile…

  7. Trisha says:

    I’m going to write in Rainy for president. No more political ads is the most appealing promise I’ve heard in awhile! Plus, I like the fierce way she deals with scoundrels. Flooding the capital with skunk spray would be a good way to “drain the swamp” of the Uncle Sams and Evil Lunas.

    • She might get my vote too! I still haven’t decided yet, but sending a skunk to Washington sounds like an excellent idea! I’ll bet she could get Congress to work again……. or else!

      • Trisha says:

        Well, whatever you decide, I hope you feel at peace with your decision afterward. I mailed my ballot yesterday and am having an “OMG, what have I done?” freak out today. And I would feel the same if I had voted the other way too. I wish Rainy was the one headed to the White House. I like her no nonsense attitude!

  8. I’m with HER. That would be Luna. She sounds like MY kind of WoooMAN. Woohoo!!

  9. Kat says:

    Amen, NO MORE ADS!!!

  10. ody & biskit……ever say two yur selvez….thanx bee ta all de cod in de seaz……we iz CATZ !!!!!!!!

    we haz N afturr de shitz a pa looza with thiz yeerz cam pane; we iz shoutin it frum de roof topz…

    happee fryday & heerz two a zebra tilapia kinda week oh end ~~~~~~~~ ♥♥♥

    • They’re very lucky! Other than the crap I had to see during the World Series, they otherwise have no idea there’s even an election going on. I wouldn’t even make a flock of bass terd burds watch this kind of crap…

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