TV ANNOUNCER: And we’ll be right back with Real Housewives of Tittybong after these messages!
SAM: Hello, I’m Uncle Sam and I want you to elect me as your President! I’ll stand up for the working people!
WORKMAN: So, like, is he going to help us get this job done?
LUIGI: No, he just-a stands there and looks-a like he cares for us-a working stiffs, y’ know.
SAM: I’ll be a champion of our children’s education!
TEACHER: OK, class…. we’re going to spend the next three weeks doing standardized tests to see if you’ve all learned enough for our school district to continue being accredited next semester!
SAM: And I’ll fight for middle class families…. and whatever it is those kind of people value in life.
SPONKIE 2: Do I hafta smile, Daddy?
RAINBOW DONKEY: Yes, darling… we’re getting paid good money for this photo opp.
SAM: My opponent won’t do any of these awesome things if she’s elected President…
Luna wants to make the next four years as unfun as possible by banning Christmas, outlawing Pokemon No!, bringing back Prohibition, and she even wants to bring an end to the all American tradition of possum squishing!
We shelf critters can do better than letting Princess Luna run things into the floor. On November 8th, vote for your Uncle Sam as Shelf President!
SAM: I’m Uncle Sam, and I approve this message!
FAMOUS TV NARRATOR: Uncle Sam wants you to think he’s on our side…. but just who is Sam really working for? Maybe we should look at some of the powerful lobbyists who have contributed big bucks to Uncle Sam’s campaign….
NARRATOR: Like Big Tobacco….
NARRATOR: Big Booze…
NARRATOR: Big Laundry Detergent….
NARRATOR: And even Big Muzak is in Uncle Sam’s pocket trying to get Kevin Eubanks played in every store in the land. Does that sound like a candidate who’s looking out for OUR best interests?
Princess Luna will fight the bureaucracy and political corruption that has hurt citizens with an ingenious plan that will bring us hope for the future…
NARRATOR: Luna will dive into the mess our government has become horn first and truly make this shelf a great place for everyone…. plushies, figurines, knickknacks, and even critters illegally imported from China that are tainted with lead paint. This Tuesday, there is only one answer for the problems that loom over our country…. vote Princess Luna for Shelf President!
LUNA: I’m Princess Luna, and I approve this…..
ANOTHER RECOGNIZABLE TV NARRATOR: By now, you’ve probably heard Princess Luna’s claims that she wants to make the shelf great again. But just how can she preserve and restore our cherished values when she doesn’t even hold them herself?
NARRATOR: Luna went to college with the express purpose of dodging the draft, even though females weren’t eligible for conscription. There she conspired with undesirables and enemies of our shelf, while donkey kicking our veterans and burning our flag just for the hell of it.
NARRATOR: Luna’s values apparently also include pornography, where she modeled numerous times for Playbrony magazine (Looking damn hot in the centerfold, too!), as well as appearing in countless X rated films under the stage name “Horny Pony.”
NARRATOR: Luna’s even on record as stating she wants to take the World Series trophy away from long-suffering Cubs fans and give it to the Indians instead, who nobody in America even cares about. Does that sound like a critter who wants to make things great again?
NARRATOR: Luna is just plain evil. Vote for…. well, whoever’s running against her. We don’t know who it is… we just don’t want Luna to win…. the bitch….
(In a very fast and low voice) Citizens Against Unicorns is responsible for the content of this advertisement…. Charles Manson, Treasurer.
THAT GUY WHO NARRATES YOUR FAVORITE SHOW ON ONE OF THOSE CRIME CHANNELS: Uncle Sam’s been on the attack against Luna from day one of this campaign. And it isn’t hard to see why. Sam would rather make up vicious lies about his opponent to distract you from the fact that he takes frequent taxpayer funded junkets to exotic destinations all over the world…
SAM: G’day, mates, from beautiful downtown Uluru Australia!
RAINBOW DINOSAUR: Rawr…
NARRATOR: Or perhaps Sam was hoping you forgot about that scandal revolving around him and one of his interns back in the 90’s…
MITZI: I didn’t wear that blue dress like you asked me not to…
SAM: That’s great, baby, but you really should have put something on for this press conference…
NARRATOR: And no doubt Sam’s constant mudslinging is meant to draw your attention away from the fact that he’s very friendly with evil dictators and terrorists who want to cause us great harm…
KIM-IL-TROLL: So you really don’t mind if we smuggle our nerve gas agents into your country so long as we promise you free data for life on your cellphone?
SAM: I’ll be in the bunker under the White House playing Candy Crush all day once I’m elected. Do what you want!
NARRATOR: Uncle Sam…. not right for President, not right for our shelf. (Fast and soft voice) The Foundation For The Perpetuation Of Negative Political Ads is responsible for the content of this advertisement…. Michael Milken, Treasurer.
RAINY: Nerve gas? I’ll show them nerve gas……
RAINY: NO MORE POLITICAL ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!