Just The Facts, Ma’am


RAINY: Officer!!!  You have to help me!!!

SGT. CHIP: (talking with a mouth full of donut crumbs) What seems to be the trouble, ma’am?

RAINY: My rain gauge!!!!  Somebody stole it!!!

CHIP: Ummmm, OK.  Isn’t that something you can buy down at Mecca for a couple bucks?

RAINY: This rain gauge has been in my family for fifty generations of skunks… waiting for the day when we can finally collect some rain!

CHIP: Alrighty then… let me get out my notebook.  Did you get a glimpse of the thief?

RAINY: I barely noticed them before I knew what happened, but they were about…..


RAINY: … oh, yea high and maybe this wide.

CHIP: That isn’t much to go on… but I’ll see what we can do.  In the meantime….

The desk sergeant and victim are interrupted by a barrage of barking…


CHIP: What’s that you say, K9?  Timmy fell down into the well AGAIN?


RAINY: That doesn’t look like a police dog to me.

CHIP: He’s on loan to us from the fire department since our regular police dog got knocked up by her partner and is on maternity leave.

RAINY: I’m so sorry I said anything…

The dog leaves, and Sgt. Chip gets back to the case at hand…

CHIP: So anyway, let’s have you take a look at a lineup and see if you can identify the perp.


RAINY: Wait a minute!  How did you round up suspects so fast?  You didn’t even know I was robbed until a couple minutes ago!

CHIP: We keep an ample supply of suspicious looking people around the station for efficiency purposes.  I’d bet my ticket to the policecritter’s ball your culprit’s among those criminals over there.  OK, Tony, bring up the lights!


RAINY: You’re probably right… that is a shady looking bunch.

CHIP: I’ll bring them forward one at a time so you can get a good look at them.  Don’t worry, you can see them, but they can’t see you.  Alright, Number One.  Step forward!!!


CHIP: Suspect Number One, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

SNUGGLE: I was at home doing my laundry!  I swear!!!

CHIP: A likely story…

SNUGGLE: Alright, alright… I was burying bodies under my crawlspace.  That gets your clothes dirty and smelly, you know… thankfully, I have Snuggle fabric softener…

CHIP: Alright, that’s enough Number One.  We don’t need another commercial.  Suspect Number Two, step forward!!!


CHIP: Suspect Number Two, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

SHADOW: Hmmmm…. wouldn’t you like to know.  I was here….. I was there…. I was everywhere.

CHIP: You know, we can throw you in the Pokeball clink until you talk….

SHADOW: Very well…. if you want to know my whereabouts on the day in question, why don’t you ask your son who spent five hours chasing me all over town with his cellphone until he got run over by the crosstown bus…

CHIP: I’ll deal with you later, Number Two.  Suspect Number Three!  Step forward!!!


CHIP: Suspect Number Three, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

FUZZYWIG: November 10th?  Is it already the 10th?  Last thing I remember, it was…… Sunday afternoon, I think…….. around 4:20…..

CHIP: Don’t play dumb with us, Number Three!  You have an entire week to account for…

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, whatever…. um…. hey, are you going to finish that donut?  I got a bad case of the munchies…

CHIP: I’ll see to it your access to the evidence room is cut off from now on.  Suspect Number Four!  Step forward!!!

MITZI: Ummm…. like, which way is that?

CHIP: Towards the glass, Number Four!


CHIP: Suspect Number Four, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

MITZI: Like… let me check my calendar here.  (Gets out her hot pink, Hello Kitty encased cellphone)  Oh, I was totally getting a mani/pedi then!  Check out these pretty tootsies!

CHIP: Can anyone corroborate that story?

MITZI: Can anyone….. what?  LOL, you men in uniform are so funny with the way you talk!  Can I get frisked again by that cute female officer?

CHIP: Maybe later…. Suspect Number Five!  Step forward!!!


CHIP: Suspect Number Five, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

UNCLE SAM: I was holding a town hall meeting with a carefully selected demographic cross-section of this shelf’s critters in an effort to feel the pulse of this community and use that knowledge to better serve…

CHIP: This isn’t a news interview, Number Five.  What were you REALLY doing?

SAM: Oh…. I was being treated to a steak dinner and strip club excursion by a group of muzak lobbyists.  Do I still have glitter on my top hat?

CHIP: Step back, Number Five before I experience voter’s remorse again.  Suspect Number Six!  Step forward!!!

Moments pass…..

CHIP: I said STEP FORWARD, SUSPECT NUMBER SIX!!!!  You, in the cosplay outfit!


TROLL: Me!?!?  But I’m not Number Six!  I got nine!  I’ll just wait my turn….

CHIP: Step forward before we take a chainsaw to that rat’s nest under your cap….


CHIP: Suspect Number Six, where were you on the afternoon of November 10th?

TROLL: I……. um…… I don’t remember.

CHIP: A likely story.  Shall I get out the rubber hose?

TROLL: OK, OK, I had a job interview down at Possum Burger!  I didn’t get the job…. they didn’t have large enough hairnets for me, and I looked creepier than their mascot.  So here I am, STILL out of work and desperate for anything… except a rain gauge.  You can’t even get enough at a hock shop for a shot of Jack with a rain gauge…

CHIP: Sigh…. well, there you are, ma’am.  Can you pick out the critter who stole your rain gauge?


RAINY: Oh dear, they all look so guilty.  I think….

SNUGGLE: That skunk better not pick me, or she’ll be fertilizing the dandelions in my garden.

RAINY: Wait a minute!!!

SHADOW: I wonder if that fat, fluffy skunk tail would fit in a Pokeball…

RAINY: You said they couldn’t see me!!!

FUZZYWUG: I’ve got connections in Columbia, Peru, Telluride….

TROLL: That ain’t nothing!  I’m in with dictators of third world nations who LOVE skunk souffle!

SAM: I can arrange for her deportation….

RAINY: (Sweating profusely from all of the threats) It’s….. HER!!!!  The Bimbocorn!!!!

CHIP: Suspect Number Four!  Step forward!!!  The rest of you… go clean out the urinals in the jail!


MITZI: OMG!  You picked me!!!  I’m so tickled!!!!

CHIP: Did you take this lady’s rain gauge?

MITZI: I don’t think I did.  Like, what does a rain gage guage gauj…. thingie look like anyway?

RAINY: This is a photo of my prized possession…


MITZI: Oh, that’s what you’re looking for!?!?  I, like, totally have that!

RAINY: Oh, thank goodness!  Please, give me my rain gauge back!!!

MITZI: Sure…. I just……. well…… hold on a minute dear!

Mitzi retreats into a closet.  She makes some strange sounds out of view before finally stepping back out with Rainy’s stolen gauge in hoof.


MITZI: Ta-da!!!!  Like, magic or something!  Look, I even caught some rain!!!

RAINY: (Happily takes the gauge back into her grasp) Oh, wonderful!  Why did you take it from me?

MITZI: Dude!  You’ll never believe this, but I thought this was, like, totally some kind of TOY!


MITZI: You know…. I’m a very big girl, so I need very big toys to keep me satisfied, and……….

The reality of the situation begins to sink in………


RAINY: THIS……. IS……. NOT……….. RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!  You have DESECRATED my rain gauge, you disgusting little tramp!!!

MITZI: Oooooh, you’re, like, totally cute when you get angry like that!  Wanna play Good Cop, Bad Cop?


CHIP: Yeah, Captain.  Can you send a riot squad down to the lobby with tasers… and plenty of gas masks?  Oh, and I could use another dozen donuts…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Just The Facts, Ma’am

  1. hahahaha… I guessed it… there was no rain inside … or wait… maybe rain-bow pee?
    btw: maybe chip can find out too who once snitched your ac?

  2. I still think it was that phony “Uncle Sam.” Those gubmint guys are always sneaking around, stealing our stuff.

  3. Ladybuggz says:

    I think you’ve got too much time on your hand!! lol…TFF !!

  4. Hmm…..skunk soufflé……I was wondering what to make for dinner….thanks for the idea…….(burp)


  5. draliman says:

    Yeek. I was betting on Bashful sneaking back and taking it. Given Rainy’s rather unique defence mechanism I’m surprised people keep stealing the rain gauge…

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Barkbarkbarkbark…barks the dog next door. Funny!

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