Bad Santa

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SANTA: HO HO HO!!!  Merry Christm….. oh, fuck it!  I hate this time of year.  Lousy kids wanting to sit on my lap and ask for crappy toys made in China that they’ll lose, break or forget about by New Years.  I don’t know why I even go through with this every holiday season…… oh, that’s right.  I need the money for booze.  Hey, it gets cold up at the North Pole…

The scene…. a Mecca cubbyhole loosely decked out to look like Santa’s cabin.

SEYMOUR: Are you ready yet, Santa?  All of the children in line are getting restless and opening up the suppositories from the Pharmacy department…

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SANTA: Yeah, whatever.  Hey, what happened to the cute girl from Housewares who was my elf last year?  Those striped leggings don’t look as good on you as they did that fine little elf booty….

SPONKIE 1: Ma, what’s Santa talking about?

SPARKLEPONY: Hush and get up there on Santa’s lap so I can have a picture to embarrass you with in front of my future grandchildren…

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SANTA: Ugh, you two are pretty big kids… ever think of applying to be one of my reindeer?

SPONKIE 1: You should see us playing Aussie rules football…

SANTA: What do you two want for Christmas before you crush my femurs..

SPONKIE 2: I want a pony!

SANTA: Why would a pony ask for a pony for Christmas?

SPONKIE 2: I don’t know…. that’s just what little girls always ask for.

SANTA: And what about you, young colt?

SPONKIE 1: I want a Red Ryder BB gun!

SPONKIE 2: No way!  You’ll shoot my pony’s eye out, brother!

SEYMOUR: Picture time!  Smile and say “Febreze!”

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SANTA: Hurry before my legs have to be amputated for lack of circulation…

SEYMOUR: Next!

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TINA: Thanks for taking me to see Santy Claus, Aunt Scratchy!

SCRATCHY: Don’t mention it, kiddo.  Psst, don’t forget to ask for some new subwoofers for your favorite auntie…

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SANTA: Hello there, little filly.  So, what can Santa leave in your stable this year?

TINA: Oh not much, Santa!  There’s only a few things on my list this year.  Hold on….

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SANTA: Holy shit!  War and Peace isn’t that long…

TINA: I narrowed it down quite a bit this year… I didn’t want to be too greedy what with all of the starving trolls on the bottom shelf who don’t get anything for Christmas.

SANTA: Ummmm… tell you what, darling.  How about you file that list in Santa’s big green container over there with the three yellow arrows on it and I’ll see what I can do about shredding getting right on it…

TINA: Thanks Santa!!!!  You’re the BESTEST!!!

SEYMOUR: Next!

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SANTA: Oh, Jack Fucking Frost.  I know what I’m putting on their parents’ list this year… birth control.

SQUIRREL CHILDREN: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All five squirrel kids come running at Santa and jump on his lap at the same time…

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SANTA: Settle down, you damn little fuzzballs!  Now hurry up and tell me what you all want before I call the orphanage…

CHILD 1: We heard you’re not even real!

SANTA: What do you mean?  Of course I’m real!

CHILD 2: Are you sure?  We saw another Santa at the store just down the shelf, and…

SANTA: I get around well for my old age…

CHILD 3: How do you deliver presents to kids all over the world in one night?

SANTA: What is this, an interrogation?  If you little hellions don’t believe in me, then why are you here?

LITTLEST SQUIRREL: I still believe in you, Santa!!!

CHILD 4: Oh, that’s hogwash… watch when I pull his beard…

SANTA: OUCH!!!!!!

Santa smacks the shit out of Child 4…

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CHILD 1: Oh wow…. he IS real!!!

CHILD 2: Yep, that cinches it…

LITTLEST: Told you so!

CHILD 3: Thanks for showing us the light, brother!

CHILD 4: Mooooooooooannnnnnn….

SEYMOUR: Next!

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DOG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SANTA: HEY!  Who allowed that mutt in the store?  This isn’t PetSmart!

FUZZYWIG: He’s a service animal, as far as you should be concerned, and he would like to visit with Santa.

DOG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll be over in the recreational drug department when you get done, fleabag…

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SANTA: Ack!  Get down you mangy beast!  Do you know how hard it is to get dog hair out of my fur coat?

DOG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SANTA: Stop humping my leg!  Looks like Santa needs to get you a blow up bitch for Christmas…

The dog tackles Santa and starts licking his face off…

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DOG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SANTA: HELP!!!!  SECURITY!!!!

Seymour rescues his co-worker from the overly playful pooch before Santa can be slurped to death…

SEYMOUR: Next!

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PEPPER SKUNK: Come on, little stinker!  Time to go sit on Santa’s lap!

STINKER: Mommy…. Santa scares me!

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PEPPER: Oh, come now!  There’s nothing to be afraid of!  It’s not like Santa’s a clown or a politician or anything scary like that…

With some convincing and violent shoving, Stinker finally makes it into Santa’s lap.

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SANTA: Hello there, little one!  What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas…. besides some deodorant?

STINKER: I…….. um…… (Stinker sniffles and holds back tears as she won’t even look at Santa) I don’t know….. uhhh….

Stinker jumps off Santa’s lap and runs back to her Mommy who takes her to the snack bar for an ice cream for being such a good girl…

SEYMOUR: Looks like you scared the piss out of her, Santa.

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SANTA: (Looking down) DAMMIT!!!!  I didn’t know you were being literal!  Even the stupid dog managed to keep his bladder in check.  Now I’m going to spend my break down at the laundromat washing my suit… and you better believe this is going on Mecca’s tab!  I’m outta here!

SEYMOUR: Well, it looks like Santa’s cabin is closed for the day… he has important business to attend to back at the North Pole.  Sorry, kids, but you’ll have to go home now…. wait…. no….. NO!!!!!

One child jumps the line and demands to see Santa….

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MITZI THE BIMBOCORN: Santa Baby!!!!!!!

SANTA: Aren’t you just a bit too big to be believing in Santa?

MITZI: Like, no way Sugarplum!  You’re never too old to stop believing, and this big girl’s never too old to not want some more toys!

SANTA: Ummmmm, I don’t deliver the kind of toys you’d be interested in, ma’am.  Why don’t you…

MITZI: Can I, like, use my neon pink highlights to guide your sleigh tonight?

SANTA: Guide my sleigh….. are you nuts!?!?

MITZI: (Giving her best pouty face) PWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAZE????????

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SANTA: Aw, fuck it!  This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!  I’m glad Mrs. Claus is away visiting her mother all week.  To the North Pole, Mitzi the Pink-Haired Bimbocorn!!!!

Insert annoying Rankin Bass shrieking sound coming from Mitzi’s glowing pink hair here…

MITZI: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Bad Santa

  1. oh please can I make a wish to your santa too???? please please please…

  2. draliman says:

    At least it all came good for Santa in the end 🙂

  3. Quirky Girl says:

    A pony can ask for a pony if she wants to, Santa!

    Oh, and I’m fairly certain that slapping the shit out of children is generally frowned upon.

    Geez, what a crappy-ass, sorry excuse for a mall Santa! 😛

    • Who knows what good deeds that Santa would have gone on to do had he not somehow wound up in my clutches to be corrupted. I do know I’d pull up a chair and make some popcorn if he were a real mall Santa though… it would be fun!

  4. Me thinks you gots too much time on your hands!! LOL! I hate this time of year….. I like the “meaning” of Christmas, I just hate all the commercial crap and who can outdo who in gifts and drama and.. and.. and.. 😒

    • I loathe the commercial aspect of Christmas as well, and the custom of forced reciprocation of gifts. Unfortunately, that’s my own personal deal with the Devil since my job security depends on others to buy as much useless shit as possible. If nobody bought anything for Christmas, I’d really end up with a lot of time on my hands!

  5. What a true story of Santa and children just thinking of toys, more these, thank you.

  6. Trisha says:

    Wow, Mitzi the Bimbocorn really gets around! I wonder if Santa would have gone with her so willingly if he knew she’d hooked up with a troll recently? Oh well, he might need the after glow of a good time to get through the season. 🙂

    • it should be obvious by now who my favorite actors are for SCT by now, and it’s funny how Mitzi’s become one of my favorites since even I was a bit embarrassed to display her. My Mom bought her for me back when Rainbow Donkey was first becoming popular on my blog, and I just gave her the biggest eyeroll imaginable. Who knew I had just received one of my stars? I have a feeling she’ll be “getting around” a whole lot more before I run out of ideas…

  7. Merbear74 says:

    I hope Santa uses a stocking on his stovepipe…

  8. JackieP says:

    Um, I’m with Mer on the stocking bit. LOL I got nothing after that one…..

  9. I hope Mrs. Santa doesn’t visit this blog and find out what Santa is up to while she’s away……..I think she could probably MELT the North Pole with just one stare-down with Mitzi the Bimbocorn!

    Pam

  10. From Monty Python, my annual favorite Christmas song:

    (Chorus)
    Ho ho fucking ho,
    What a crock o’ shit,
    We all work for Santa Claus,
    We’ve had enough, we quit.
    Cos we do all the fuckin’ work while he stars in the show,
    Stick yer Christmas up yer arse, ho ho fucking ho.

    I’m Rudolph and I quit.
    Just who’s he think he is?
    That little fat cunt sat back in the sleigh,
    crackin’ that fuckin’ whip.
    And me stuck up the front, with these other useless cunts,
    Stick yer Christmas up yer arse, ho ho fucking ho.

    (Chorus)
    Ho ho fucking ho,
    What a crock o’ shit,
    We all work for Santa Claus,
    We’ve had enough, we quit.
    Cos we do all the fuckin’ work while he stars in the show,
    Stick yer Christmas up yer arse, ho ho fucking ho.

    And what about us elves,
    we’ve had enough as well,
    workin’ in that freezing factory, it’s cold as fucking hell,
    we work until we drop, with our bollocks freezin’ off,
    stick yer Christmas up yer arse, ho ho fucking ho.

    (Chorus)
    Ho ho fucking ho,
    What a crock o’ shit,
    We all work for Santa Claus,
    We’ve had enough, we quit.
    Cos we do all the fuckin’ work while he stars in the show,
    Stick yer Christmas up yer arse, ho ho fucking ho.

    Read more: Monty Python – Ho Ho Fucking Ho Lyrics | MetroLyrics

    it sort of says it all, y’know?

    • Damn, I wonder if I could get the brass at Mecca to have that one put in the Christmas song rotation that’s no doubt coming very, very soon. I doubt it, but it’d be worth a shot…

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha Ha Ha….Holy shit! War and Peace isn’t that long…love it.

  12. chattykerry says:

    That is my new favorite Christmas tale…thank you!🎄

  13. My wish for this year is to put the whole thing off for a year. I’m too worn after the election and wondering who’s in, who’s out and my brain is numb from hurting from thinking about it.

    • Given the amount of Black Friday stuff sitting in our backroom at work, I don’t think the retail industry is going to let us take this Christmas off. Or next year’s….. or any year’s!

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