Humblebragging

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APPLEJACK: (writing) …. with love from your favorite mares!

TWILIGHT: What’re you doing, Applejack?

AJ: Writin’ out Christmas cards for all our bloggin’ friends!  Didja know that ES never sent any out yet, and that’s so typically RUDE of him!

TWILIGHT: AJ!  It’s too late to send out holiday cards now!  You know how slow the mail is normally… and it grinds to a halt in December!  We’re gonna have to…

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TWILIGHT: Ummmmmm…. excuse me!

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TWILIGHT: Could security please come and remove this furry beast from our set!!!

Oops.  Removing the trespassing cat and apologizing to my ponies….

TWILIGHT: Thank you!  Now, as I was saying…. we’re gonna have to send out virtual cards this year!

AJ: Like, over the internet?  How much do those stamps cost!?!?

TWILIGHT: Silly filly… we can use Evil Squirrel’s blog to send out a holiday newsletter to all of our devoted fans!

AJ: A newsletter?  What’s that?

TWILIGHT: To the computer we go!!!

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TWILIGHT: This is an example of the traditional American tacky holiday newsletter!  It’s a way for hipster families to brag about their children and all of the shitty things they did during the past year, while making themselves look a whole lot cooler than everyone else.  This is accomplished with totally useless information like the number of diapers changed, and self-important back patting like noting that they had to clean the shitstains out of environmentally friendly cloth diapers all year long rather than just throwing that nasty ass greenish brown baby mess into a landfill.

AJ: So we’re gonna spread the spirit of the season by telling everyone how many diapers we had to change?

TWILIGHT: Well…. in a way.  We’ll just brag about the fucked up things we did at the Shelf this year!  There should be no shortage of boring, unreadable milestones we accomplished this year that nobody who follows this blog could give a shit less about.

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TWILIGHT: You take the camera and get me some good photos of the gang while I open up Photoshop and create a newsletter that will be the envy of the World Wide Web!

AJ: I’m on it, Sugarcube!

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The Sponkies stayed active as usual, participating in every team sport and activity their busybody mother could possibly sign them up for.  Sparklepony’s dreams of being a soccer mom were dashed when the youngsters instead took a liking to Aussie Rules Football.  That didn’t stop her from being that beastly parent on the sidelines that everyone hates, though….

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SPARKLEPONY: Run over those lousy defenders, Sponkies!!!  Give that kid the squirrel grip!!!  HEY REF!!!  Call a foul on that loser that just tried to tackle my daughter!

SLIDER: Sorry ma’am… no blood, no foul.

SQUIRREL MOM: I’m worried about our boys playing this rough sport!  Oh dear…. is that our son’s spleen laying on the 20 yard line?

SQUIRREL DAD: Never fear, honey!  We can always make more!

We’re quite proud of our career student Troll for finally finding employment!  He was a smashing success on his first and only day on the job as a door greeter at Mecca.  He only managed to scare half of the customers’ children, and remained on guard at all times for any theft…

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TROLL: Excuse me sir… but can I see a receipt for those items?

SNUGGLE: How’s this for a receipt? (The bear extends his furry middle finger to the Troll)

TROLL: Good enough for me… have a nice day, sir!

Rainy…… well, poor Rainy lost her rain gauge again, and wasn’t too keen on having her picture taken.  So we didn’t push our luck to get any juicy accomplishments out of her.  Though we are happy to report that her emissions are now in compliance with all EPA regulations!

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RAINY: Someone’s going to be treated to a GREEN Christmas if I don’t get my gauge back!!!!

While Fuzzywig’s prized mutt Fleabag was expelled from obedience school and still barks 25 hours a day, at least we are happy to report he has now learned how to shit on the newspaper!

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FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Dammit, you lousy mongrel!  I hadn’t finished reading that yet!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: And right on the Stoner Astrologer’s horoscope I wanted to check out….

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I told you to shit in the neighbor’s yard from now on!  BAD DOG!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

At this moment, we’d like to take the time to honor our dear possum Buster, who sadly left us this year….

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Again….

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And again….

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And again….

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Sigh….. and….

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Well, you get the picture.  RIP Buster.

On a happier note, we all stayed active this year by playing the most awesomest game ever created (for about two whole months until it got boring as hell), Pokecritter NO!

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SHADOW: You’ve been trying to catch me now using that stupid eye-straining phone for months on end now, Mr. Fox.  You know, one of these days, it’s going to turn you into a zombie!  What do you have to say to that, vulpine?

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MR. FOX: …………………….

We couldn’t possibly leave out our visit from Bashful, who as you can tell from the enclosed photos really enjoyed his time on the Shelf!

Halloa down there!

Laundry Day!

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Trash Day!

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Skunk Spray Day!

We are probably most happy to announce that our littlest filly, Tina, has been taking dance classes this year.  Despite being the youngest student at the performing arts school, Tina’s natural talent allowed her to exceed all expectations and she was invited by her teacher to dance in a professional setting so that the whole world can see what a dancing child prodigy she really is!

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TINA: Dancing is so much fun!!!! Especially when people throw money at you!  Thanks, Mistress Mitzi!  Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!

MITZI: Work that pole, Teeny Weeny!!!  You’re gonna be, like, a pole dancing superstar!!!

PINKIE: Are you sure she’s 18?  I could have my strip club shut down if…..

MITZI: She totally is!  Besides, age is, like, only a number!  At least till you get to 29… then it’s, like, forevah!!!  Stick that tushie out some more, baby!!!

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RAINY: A-HA!!!! I found it!!!!  What do you think you’re doing to my precious rain gauge!?!?

TINA: I’m totally working your rain gauge, beyotch!

MITZI: Ain’t she a total pip?

RAINY: Give me back that rain gauge now, you preteen hussy!!!

Rainy pushes the stripper in training out of the way and takes back her gauge, hugging her prized possession to her body, and then….

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RAINY: What the….. where are all these singles coming from!?!?

MITZI: Dude!  The audience totally luvs you! ❤ ❤ ❤

TINA: Yeah, you just MADE IT RAIN!!!

RAINY: This…. (grabbing at the dollar bills that have been showered upon her) is NOT RAIN!  But damned if it isn’t an easy way to make a living…

Rainy, Tina and Mitzi continue to strut their stuff on the rain gauge… milking the preverts in the crowd for every last dollar they took out of their kids’ lunch money…

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AJ: Wow, Twi, that’s an awesome newsletter!  You totally captured the essence of the holidays there!

TWILIGHT: I know, right?  Let’s post this shit and see how many people unfollow ES after reading it. (Clicks the Publish button)

AJ: Work it, baby!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Humblebragging

  1. I love it… and I wish it would be the christmas movie of the year…. is Buster related with Kenny from southpark?

  2. Piglove says:

    OMP! Hilarious my evil friend. Now this is a news letter worthy of sending out and posting. By golly yes! And to say my little tyke made it – WOW! Totally touched for sure. XOXO – Bacon

  3. JackieP says:

    Now that’s an honest Christmas newsletter! hahahaha! I need a rain gauge to make it rain money. Wait, that means I’d have to “work it” and I haven’t done that in years. Hm, second thought, forget it.

  4. draliman says:

    It’s been a busy year at the Nest!
    America should take a leaf out of the UK’s book and abolish the $1 note. Our lowest denomination note is £5. Pay day for strippers! Rainy could buy all the rain gauges she could ever want.

    • LOL, I already covered that subject (I believe it was what originally inspired my infamous stripper photo), and I don’t see us stubborn ‘Murricans getting rid of the One anytime soon. It really is a waste… but I think people would just as soon do away with coins altogether than eliminate the one dollar bill…

  5. Merbear74 says:

    Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

  6. Now if all those Christmas letters I get were THIS full of “the year that was stuff” like THIS, I might not throw them away before opening the envelopes. I can smell a “newsy newsletter” a mile away but this is a grand “flashback” (oh no not the 60s again!) of all the fab things that happened in ES-land this year and I like it. YEssssirrrrreee. Thanks for reminding us of all the fun and wacky stuff that happens around here. Can you top this in 2017? Can’t wait to find out!

    Pam

    • Well, this isn’t quite the definitive look back at 2016 at The Nest…. I actually do make a real post about that around the end of the year… and it should be chock full of interesting memories. This is more of a disturbing picture of one of what one of my Friday morning brainstorms looks like when I’m surrounded by strange critters, and am trying to find ways to exploit them for sick humor!

  7. Oh how exciting. Aussie rules footy! They are turning into tough little buggers!🏈

  8. Quirky Girl says:

    Looks like the critters all had a productive year, over all.

    But I have to say, that pony scene with the makeshift poll borders on disturbing. Oh, great. Now I’m picturing twerking ponies…

    • I don’t know if it’s as disturbing as the infamous “Peep Show” photo that used Easter candy in those roles… but yeah, seeing once-innocent ponies dance around a rain gauge with freakishly large money being thrown at them can lead to strange nightmares…

  9. Y’know, it just occurred to me that having a blog is like having a DAILY family newsletter. This is going to give me nightmares now.

    If you can have nightmares, can you also have daystallions?

  10. Bwahaha! That really is representative of ‘howliday’ newsletters. Yours though especially made me snicker than the drivel I usually get.

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    And insane you are my friend! LOL….Awe, I wish all stupid Christmas letters were like yours…the ones I get are…We stayed and ate at a 4 Star Hotel…. and flew to Germany and stayed in a real castle…Who the F- Cares!! I want the dirt, not bragging rights!! Love your Squirrel Nest! 🙂 T.

  12. Ally Bean says:

    Sometimes I feel like I need the Cliff Note version of your stories. Your mind is too twisted and complex for me, I fear. So you had a good year? 🙂

  13. LMAO! I swear there are days when I truly think you have just a tad too much time on your hands. But in the meantime, the rest of us are entertained! I hope you had a Merry Christmas and will have a fun and eventful New Year oh evil one! 😀

    • Styx once wrote a song about my life titled something like that! I do have way too much free time on my hands, and it would be real dangerous if I actually used more of it to my advantage!

      • It went something like this:
        Sitting on this barstool talking like a damn fool
        Got the twelve o’clock news blues
        And I’ve given up hope on the afternoon soaps
        And a bottle of cold brew
        Is it any wonder I’m not crazy? Is it any wonder I’m sane at all
        Well I’m so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it
        I go out cruisin’ but I’ve no place to go and all night to get there
        Is it any wonder I’m not a criminal?
        Is it any wonder I’m not in jail?
        Is it any wonder I’ve got
        Too much time on my hands, it’s ticking away with my sanity

        I knew this song way before you did… I promise! And I can so relate! 😉

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