The Big Night


T’was the night before Christmas
And all through the shelf
Not a critter was stirring
Not even an elf

Buster was hung
By the outhouse with care
In hopes that his nasty smell
would stay inside there


The Sponkies were nestled
All snug in their stable
With visions of vegemite
Smeared out on the table


And Mitzi in her negligee
And the Troll in his luck
Had just settled down
For a good winter’s….


TROLL: Hey, Mitzi!  What rhymes with “luck?”

MITZI:  It’s, like, way too late at night to be doing anything hard like thinking!  Give me some smoochies instead!

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter….


Fuzzy staggered from his bong
To take care of this matter

Away to the window
He stomped to his pup
Pried open the window
And screamed…


FUZZYWIG: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dammit, it’s 4:20 in the morning!!!  Some people are trying to mellow out around here!

But what to his wandering
Eyes should appear?
But a miniature race car
And eight tiny……. ponydeer?????

FUZZYWIG: That’s it…. time to keep off the grass for a while.  (Turns back towards the kitchen) I got a hankering for some chocolate crispy Santas right now…


More rapid than Amtrak
His unicorns they came
And he cursed and he shouted
As he called them by name….

On Derpy!  On Tina!
Get the fuck moving Pinkie and Dashie!


On Twilight! On AJ!
On Luna and put that damned phone away Scratchy!!!


SCRAT: Hey, wait a minute!  What about me?


SCRATCHY: You’re not in this story, Dude!  They made you up for a totally different song.

LUNA: Begone, red nosed mutant!  Or I’ll see to it you’re fed to my pet Bumble!

To the top of the shelf!
To the top of the wall!
Now get the fuck moving
Before I make glue out of you all!!!!

As he picked up his bag
And with the grace of a klutz
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came
Landing in a fireplace full of nuts


SANTA: Dammit!!!!  Would it kill critters to leave their fucking front doors open for me on Christmas Eve?

The stump of a pipe
He held tight in his yellow teeth
And the ashes sparked a brush fire
In one of the wreaths.


SANTA: When you’re a centuries old legend like I am, you can tell the no smoking laws where to get bent!

A bundle of  junk
He had flung on his back
And he looked like a con artist
Just opening his pack

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And he filled all the stockings
Like a miserly jerk


SANTA: Since George somehow managed to stay on the Nice List this year, I guess I’ll give him that brand new cell phone he wanted.  What?  It was brand new back in 2006!


SANTA: Rainbow Donkey gets the Kevin Eubanks cassette because….. well, someone has to get it since it’s Evil Squirrel’s favorite gag gift to use in these stupid plays.


SANTA: You better fucking believe I’m getting that skunk some damn air freshener for her stocking!  I think she’s singlehandedly responsible for the hole in the ozone layer…


RAINY: Excuse me, Mr. Santa, but I don’t believe that’s what I asked for.  I specifically requested some RAIN for my rain gauge!

SANTA:  In the immortal words of St. Mick…. you can’t always get what you WANT.  But if you shut the fuck up some time, you just might find you get what you NEED!

RAINY: That is NOT RAIN!  And you, Mr. Santa, have just been put on my Naughty List!


SANTA: (Through the pungent green mist) COUGH! HACK!!!!  That’s it!!!!  Christmas is canceled!!!  I’m getting the fuck outta here!!!

And extending his finger
While holding his nose
And giving a nod
Up the chimney he rose!

He staggered back to his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle…..

To his team gave a….

Ummmm…… team???


TINA: I win again with my nut flush!!!

SANTA: What in the name of polar bears and penguins living together to do lazy ass ponydeer think you’re doing!?!?

PINKIE: We’re playing reindeer games!  Like, duh!

SCRATCHY: OK…. next round!  Seven card stud, sixes and nines are wild!

SANTA: Put those cards away and get back to that sleigh right now!!!  Don’t make me…

LUNA: Make you what?  We have photos of your last night out with the guys.

DASHIE: Be a shame if Mrs. Claus saw ’em….

SANTA: What the….. (starts sweating in the below zero weather) what are you talking about!?!?

AJ: Show him, Sugarcube!

Twilight gets out her cellphone and shows Santa a certain incriminating photo…..


SANTA: How did you……..??????

SCRATCHY: You shoulda let poor Rudolph in on your game.  He wasn’t happy, and we follow his Instagram account!

SANTA: Alright…. maybe those other two billion kids across the world will just have to wait a bit longer for their presents.  But no cards!  I always lose my ass at poker.

Santa squeezes in to the circle of ponydeer and pulls out a set of dice….

And I heard him exclaim
As he joined in the party
Happy Christmas to all!
And to all a good………………


SANTA: YAHTZEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to The Big Night

  1. I will read it to Phenny tomorrow :o) I hope Buster will not end like the goose we had outside for a night once…. alfred hitchcocks berds were hungry and I’m afraid they are still alive …

  2. What an interesting Christmas story, a different version, but not bad. In every blog I see that elf with socks with white and red stripes he is evil. Here in Finland he is unknown, what is his story?
    Merry Christmas to everybody there!
    Kosmo and his family

    • He wasn’t a part of my Christmas upbringing, but supposedly the “elf on a shelf” is popular with many others. He’s basically Santa’s snitch… the parents point out to their children that the elf will tell Santa if they’re being good or bad. So naturally, most of the kids who grew up with an elf on the shelf hate their guts and think they’re out to set them up. Plus, they do look pretty creepy. My elf (Seymour) was a gift from Bacon, so he’s known to have once associated with the evil Don Juan!

  3. draliman says:

    Ha, great fun!
    I had a nut flush once, but it turned out I was just sitting on a hot water bottle…

  4. ROTFL. Best wishes for the best Yahtzee games in 2017!

  5. chattykerry says:

    What stuff are you taking and can you send me some, please? Teddy and I go to bed each night with a negligee and vodka. Merry Christmas!

  6. Well that little story certainly sets a tone for the holiday! You explained what everyone in your entire Squirrels Nest got from The Claus Man but what about you? The Leader of the Wacky Pack? Surely there was SOMETHING in that Walmart bag for YOU???


  7. One size fitz all!

    You need five dice for Yahtzee. How sad that I know that.

    I think Garry and I were naughty again because I don’t think Santa will be stopping. It was nice that the Shelf Gang ended the (day?)(evening?)(lunch?) with a nice group game.

    Merry anything you celebrate! or not. Whatever 🙂

    • I am celebrating…. a night off of work. It would be nice if it attached to my weekend, but whatever. I doubt Santa will be paying me a visit tonight either, but that’s OK. I’d rather not have 2 AM visitors….

  8. gentlestitches says:

    I should have packed vegemite with the Sponks when they flew over. I hear it isnt as common there as here. ❤

  9. Merbear74 says:

    You are so disturbed. LOL

  10. JackieP says:

    You have a very….um…..different mind. But I think it’s funny. Says things about me….. 😉

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    I agree with everyone! Your flipp’n Nuts!! What great “rhyming” you did! and No, it’s not rimming!! lol…Have a good one Bill!!

  12. Trisha says:

    This version is much more interesting than the original!

    • I think most Christmas stories would be made better with my naughty Santa. Now that I’ve knocked this one and Dickens out, I’ll have to see what holiday tale I can skewer next Christmas!

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